family issue

Vahevala

Morning all,

I was looking for some help & advice. I am 37 years old, I have been chatting on and off to a guy that I met originally on social media and we have become really good friends. We have also chatted on skype both on normal calls & video calls, regular phone calls and we have become closer. I have decided to take the plunge and go over to meet him in the UK for a few days as we know so much about each other and get on well. I have also spoken to his parents on a few occasions.

I told my parents that I was going and they are not that happy. They want to have his home address and they even told me not to post about it on facebook as I have a family friend on there who they probably don't want her to know about it. It is my bloody facebook, not theirs. It is my life and I feel like I am still being treated like a child.

Recently I believe they asked my brother to phone me about it and more or less interrogate me about him, his background etc. Bearing in mind my Brother never contacts me, last time I heard from him was at Christmas time. They seem to think knowing someone online = serial killer. All I wanted was for them to feel happy for me, support me in my decisions.

I feel so angry about it all.

Stavro Mueller

I can understand to a certain extent why they'd be concerned. If you were a close friend of mine and had confided that you were going, I'd be happier if I had this guy's address and that you texted to say you were ok when you got there. Just as a precaution, mind. After that I'd step back. One of the pieces of advice routinely dished out about online dating is that you meet the guy in a safe public place and tell someone.

Regarding your family, I assume they've been treating you like a kid all your life. I think in this case you shouldn't have told them exactly why you were making the trip. Made up a white lie. Could you not have just confided in a close friend and left it at that? You can't change the way they view you but you can control what they know about you.

Neyite

Wanting to know his real life details like his name and address = reasonable.
Wanting you to not post stuff on your facebook because someone they know might see it = unreasonable.

For some people in this world still, the internet is a dangerous place of scams and predators just looking for their next victim. Recent events in the news which we wont mention only reinforces this view. Some older folk view anything related to technology as something to be wary of, to be fearful of.

I've met up with some friends from Boards in real life many times. At first, my mother was a bit freaked and imagined all sorts of gruesome scenarios, but calmed down when I explained we knew each others addresses, send Christmas cards, and stay in each others houses on a regular basis. But she understands now that these are real friends, and normal nice people.

Some people are still reluctant to admit they met their partner online because of this wariness. If your parents are Catholic, then you could tell them that its no different from Knock Marriage Bureau that was very successful in pre-internet days, or other dating agencies and traditional matchmakers in villages that set up meetings for potential couples. I imagine those who applied to that particular dating agency did far less background checks on potential partners other than assuming that because they were regular mass-goers, that we do these days over the internet. In fact, in lots of ways, we can dig up information on google about someone in a way that they never could, when dating.

I do think though, the mature thing is to give an address of where you will be staying, and details of who you are meeting, and details of when you are expected back. My mum will forward on her iteniery whenever she goes anywhere. I leave details of my trip with my partner, he does likewise, or when I was single, with my best friend/flatmate. I'm in my forties and still do it. It's common sense to me.

zeffabelli

Vahevala wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote whole post.

Ok...thing is nowadays this is how people relate to each other, through technology, so I see where you are coming from.

On the other hand, it is still very anonymous so I can see where they are coming from too.

No not everyone on the internet is a predator, but it makes it much easier to lie and defraud when its refracted through this medium. So I can see where they are coming from too.

I had once developed a relationship on the internet (same as you phone, skype etc) whom I later met and got involved with and the person later disqualified the entirety of it due to it not being real. It gave him permission to act without emotional accountibility. The whole thing was fake, but it felt real to me.

You just never know.

I think they are right and to protect yourself you should give someone else the persons address, but even moreso you should make sure you have your own place to stay independent of this person you are meeting.

I think giving family and/or a friend or two details of where you're going is standard enough meeting anyone from online and it's something i do myself.

For the rest, they'll calm down once you're there and ok. It's not about treating you like a child, it's about them expressing their own fears about the Internet and what they would or would not do themselves. Ultimately they care about you and want you safe, which is a good thing.

Not posting it on Facebook though, that's a bit daft i think.

freshpopcorn

I'd understand your parents being concerned because of events in the news in the past week. So I'd understand them wanting to know his address.

Stavro Mueller

I think you should leave someone (of your choosing) your travel details for the reasons outlined above. I don't see any problem with that.

I would stubbornly refuse to entertain any talk of what can or can't go onto my Facebook page though. I think that's the overprotective family mode gone into overdrive. I'd say they might also feel a bit sensitive about having to explain why you're suddenly in the UK should something appear on Facebook. It's like the stigma of admitting that you're online dating if you think about it. It's up to you whether you choose to post about your trip or not. If it was me I'd be very reluctant to post anything about the trip because it's such early days.

This may be an opportunity to take a look at how you relate to your family. I wonder are you telling them too much? Is your relationship with them still very much of a parent child one? On the other hand it is hard for parents to completely forget that you're not the little girl they raised over 30 years ago. While I think your parents were a bit heavy-handed in their approach, I think their hearts are in the right place.

Big Bag of Chips

Would you be posting it on Facebook anyway? Would you not be waiting to see if a relationship develops before you go announcing it on Facebook? Do you now just want to post it on Facebook because your parents told you not to?!

Also, I don't see any problem with letting your parents know where you are going. Yes, you are an adult, but as an adult you have already given them a few details, why dig your heels in now and refuse to let them know where you will be?

To be honest, I know you don't want them treating you like a child, but making a point, "just because", is a bit childish.

IlmoNT4

Your folks sound like my folks...As annoying as it is, especially at our age, its like being a child eh!. They dont want anything bad to happen to you. I found with my folks when telling them about things like this, they dont see the good stuff, they just see danger to their daughter. While you see potential partner, exciting start in life, they see their precious daughter getting into a dangerous situation.

Heres how I deal with my folks. I tell them where I'm heading and I cut them off at the pass by telling them that I'm well aware there is a safety concern so I'll be staying at this hotel and I'll text them when I arrive. My folks flipped out when I went traveling for 6 months on my own... At one point I was coming home in a body bag, Mam was in tears at the thought of me dying etc. In the end, just to make my mam feel better I agreed I'd text her every day and she had a rough idea where I was going. I made a promise to them that I would not go off on my own and would go with tours and groups where ever possible. Grand, everyone was happy. Off I went had a great time and my folks could sleep at night.

For you OP going to meet someone that you havent met before, you do need to take reasonable precautions. You probably already know this but

-Do stay in a hotel/B&B and not with him. At least have somewhere to stay so if you meet face to face and you feel funny or weird about him you have some where to go
-I would let my folks know where I was staying, and the guys details. I know it sucks, but there are really awful scary people out there and your priority is to stay safe.
-Meet him in a public place, like a cafe or a restaurant. Dont let him collect you at the airport. Make your own way to and from the meet up place
-If you have mates in the UK, and they are close by, let them know your in the area and see if they are free in case you run into trouble

I know this all sounds over the top, but you just never know. And if he turns out to be a great guy and you hit it off, no harm no foul. Folks are happy and you have a safety net for yourself.

Best of luck and hope it all works out for you.

jimd2

First of all, you are 37 years old and secondly what you write on FB is your own business. Post what you want there.

I can understand their concern but they are not treating you as a 37 year old. However, unless there is a history of them interfering I wouldnt be having a fall out over it.

One question, in the first instance would it have been more appropriate for him to make the trip over to you?

Stavro Mueller

All I wanted was for them to feel happy for me, support me in my decisions.

I read back over your original post and this caught my eye. I wonder are you jumping the gun a bit with this guy? Chatting on Skype and by phone are no substitute for meeting him in real life. Hopefully things will work out for you but you really can't say for sure. Especially not at this early stage. There's always a risk that you'll find him less appealing in real life and then you'll be back to square one.

Also what may be in the back of your parent's minds are the thoughts of you leaving to move to the UK. That's a bridge to cross if you come to it but it's something to ponder.

Toots

OP how long have you known this guy? If it's not that long, then maybe your parents are concerned that you're jumping in with both feet and could end up getting hurt emotionally, or going over to the UK to see a guy who you don't know all that well, and potentially ending up in an unpleasant situation.

Vahevala

Thanks everyone for your posts, I appreciate it.

I have known this guy around 5/6 years so we have got to know each other quite well. Today, it got to a really low point, while on the phone to my Parents, I had my Mother begging me not to go and imploring me not to go over and over, my Dad saying that he would prefer me not to go. Telling me that they will be worried sick until I got home. A very uncomfortable phonecall I have to say.

I had also told them that not once have they ever mentioned to me on their holidays away that they go on, have they ever told me where they have been staying or details about their trips.

I remember two years ago, my Brother & Sister were not able to come home for Christmas, so they didn't even consider me so went away for Christmas.

It feels like they worry about me when it suits them

Stavro Mueller

This is as good a time as any to develop the skill of cutting them off at the pass when they start trying to badger you like this. I can understand why they'd be concerned but at 37 years of age you're a grown capable adult and it's your decision to make. A fair compromise to me would be to send a text to say you've arrived safely and another one or two to say everything was OK while you're over there. There is where they should step back and leave you to make your own decisions. You need to make it clear to them that the issue is not up for discussion, you're going and you'll see them when you get back. End of.

Stavro Mueller

Just to add: there may be another agenda at play here. Excuse me if I'm getting into tin hat territory! I get the impression that you're the only one of their children living locally. You also seem to be long term single (guess). Long-term a single daughter is a great thing to have when you're elderly and need help. Is there a chance they don't want you to have a partner or a life that makes it harder for you drop everything and to be close at hand?

Vahevala

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Just to add: there may be another agenda at play here. Excuse me if I'm getting into tin hat territory! I get the impression that you're the only one of their children living locally. You also seem to be long term single (guess). Long-term a single daughter is a great thing to have when you're elderly and need help. Is there a chance they don't want you to have a partner or a life that makes it harder for you drop everything and to be close at hand?

I got out of a bad long term relationship last summer, I was friends with the guy I am chatting with for a long time and we were just friends so we had built up a bit of history & knowledge about each other. My Brother lives in the UK and my Sister lives in another part of Dublin.

I wonder are they worried that I will move to the UK or something, when I was doing my leaving cert, I wanted to research moving to the UK for University but again I wasn't allowed to look down that road...

I think I am just so upset over the call today and the fact that they can't just be happy for me, I went through hell with my ex for years so it feels like my life is starting over, for the first time in 10 years.

Stavro Mueller

Oh I'd say they are definitely bothered about you moving to the UK. Is that what would be on the cards if it worked out with this guy?

Vahevala

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Oh I'd say they are definitely bothered about you moving to the UK. Is that what would be on the cards if it worked out with this guy?

I would consider it in the future, I wouldn't rush into the decision for a while though as it would probably work out better as I am renting and he owns his own place and I guess living expenses would be cheaper. That would be something I would think about a good bit down the road.

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry they've taken the gloss off this. They seem to see you as someone they can control for some reason. Try not to take their words to heart and especially not today's phone call. I hope it works out for you

Big Bag of Chips

You say you know him 5 years. How long have they known about him? And even at that, they may be traditional and think you can't "know" him if you've never met him. Whatever way you spin this to them they are not going to be convinced. And they probably won't be convinced until they meet him themselves.

We can all sit here all day saying your parents should or shouldn't do this, that or the other. But the fact is they ARE worried about you. They probably don't view leaving you on home soil while they go away to be as dangerous as you going to a different country to meet someone off the internet!

Can I ask, what is your problem with giving them his address? Have you a genuine reason not to, or is it the principle of it? And the Facebook thing.. What would you have posted on Facebook? Would you have posted anything? Taking into account you probably have 100+ "friends". If you were going on a first date would you be letting them all know?

I'm not siding with your parents at all by the way. But, you know the finer points of your friendship/relationship with him. You know more about him than they do. If you were going on a date in your local town with some fella, they probably wouldn't be demanding to know his family history. And you probably wouldn't have even told them you were going anyway!

For this one instance where it's something a bit "out of the ordinary", just tell them where you are going! There's no reason not to other than "I'm a grown woman, for God's sake"! And maybe wait until things are established a bit before you announce it to your 100+ friends!

But mostly, enjoy your time away.

Stavro Mueller

A kinder way of looking at this is with your ex in mind. Did your family like him? Did they know what was going on and that your relationship was bad? Did they try to encourage you to end it? Maybe what's driving this is the fear that you're about to repeat the same mistakes again. This time abroad.

IlmoNT4

OP I'm sorry you feel so upset. I know what it feels like. Its doesnt sound like your parents are respecting your boundaries and at this point I think you would be better getting on with you life and your plans to meet this person (obviously being safe etc) . Theres not much point in engaging and talking to them about it if it upsets you, so dont talk to them about it. Find other people in your life you can share these things with.

In terms of your on going relationship with you parents, work on establishing boundaries where its ok for them to share what they need to share, and you can share what you need to share, without each side taking on each others emotional upset. Ultimately this has nothing to do with meeting someone and all to do with how you feel your parents treat you and you establishing yourself as a adult with your own wants and needs within a new relationship that needs to be formed with them. Right now the three of you are still in Parent /Child relationship mode and thats the part that needs to change, from both your side and theirs.

shaymus27

Don't mix up your response to your parents treating you in whatever way they do and what normal safety concerns you should have.

I fear that you are lumping what seems like good concern for your safety by your parents in with other ways your parents have treated you.

You seem to be kind of rebelling against this correct concern for your safety when you shouldn't be.

You probably should have rebelled against other things over the years but didn't.

Just because your parents have said something which irritates you and probably said it in the same way to you that they have said other things to you that they shouldn't have, doesn't mean you should react against it.

There was another thread on this site where a woman had gone out with someone for six years and had lived with the person. It appeared she did not really know her boyfriend at all. Her boyfriend was having on-line chats with many women.

This woman went out for six years and lived with her boyfriend so if you think you can be completely sure about your UK friend think again.

Could you bring someone with you? If this could turn in to a great thing it would be worth paying their fare and accommodation if you could afford it. Could you get someone over in the UK to meet up with you to meet him?

Do you know for sure where he lives? Not where he says he lives but for sure where he lives?
People sell dodgy cars from outside other people's houses and pretend they live in the house in front of the car. People can be deceitful.

Have you ever watched "Catfish"?

Apologies for over-caution but if people can live with people for years and turn around and say that they never really knew them then you might or might not know your UK friend properly at all.

Matteroffact

Why wouldn't your parents be concerned about you travelling to a different country to meet someone you never met before and could turn out not to be the person you have been communicating with for the last few years. I also feel it is not a good idea to be posting personal things on Facebook for all and sundry to read. So I would agree with your parents here. I would not go as far as to say you shouldn't go but I do think you should let your parents know the address of the place you intend going to, and also let them know how safe you are when you get there. They are showing nothing but concern for you in all of this so why wouldn't you want to ease their minds. Maybe it would be a better idea if he was coming over here to meet you, rather than you going over there.

Vahevala

I am willing to give the address of where I am going, but I don't believe it is right to beg me not to go. I can understand why they would be concerned but begging me not to go is in my opinion a step too far.

I find it hard to meet people here as I am really shy so for me the internet is invaluable in being able to meet new people etc. I tried my best to be open & honest and tell them what I am planning to do, now I feel that it would have been easier, if I had have said nothing and just went.

I haven't been out of this country in 10+ years and I wanted a chance to have a break away. Believe me I know what bad relationships can be, my ex was cheating on me and living with me.

Big Bag of Chips

Well then reassure them. Give them the address. Tell then your phone will be on at all times. Tell them you will contact them regularly etc.

You have to acknowledge that while this is a 5 year "relationship" for you, they know nothing about him. All they know is you are going to the UK to meet someone you don't know. I understand your frustration, but as a parent I understand their concern. My children are still young, but already I am drilling into them that I am their mother. And no matter what age they are I will always,be their mother. That it doesn't matter how old they are, even when they are adults, if they are in trouble or need help they can always come to me and their dad. I know I will have to accept that they become adults and will make their own lives and decisions, but it doesn't mean I don't worry about things they do that I don't understand I agree with. I will of course have to let them go, but don't expect me to be happy about it

Your parents are your parents. You are no longer their "child", but they are your parents. As already said, you can say they shouldn't beg you not to go, or whatever, but they are. You can't control what they do or say. But it's up to you, as an adult, to deal with that and reassure them.

athtrasna

Have you considered booking into a hotel rather than staying with him? It may be a happy and safer compromise.

Especially to have as back up in case you just don't get along or whatever

bee06

Vahevala wrote: »

Believe me I know what bad relationships can be, my ex was cheating on me and living with me.

OP, as well as you going through this bad relationship so did your parents. They saw you hurting and they don't want to see you go through that again so it's natural that they are being cautious and worrying about you. That's what parents do.

Matteroffact

You know this guy for 5/6 years and you have never met him yet. I just feel that the fact that he never offered to come over here in all that time speaks volumes. I am sure your parents are also looking at it this way too. Also, you are not long out of a long term relationship and your parents could think that you are vulnerable at this time. Your parents are looking at the big picture and trying to prevent you getting hurt. If you travel to the UK to meet this guy and he doesn't turn out to be what you had hoped how will that make you feel. You really do not know him that well as chatting on line can be much different to meeting in person. I would definitely stay in a nearby hotel rather than at his place, as then you have a lot more security and privacy. I would not blame your parents for feeling that you are being naive in this situation. Now everything could work out fine but there is no harm in taking precautions and looking out for yourself.

cactusgal

Matteroffact wrote: »

You know this guy for 5/6 years and you have never met him yet. I just feel that the fact that he never offered to come over here in all that time speaks volumes.

Completely agree with this. Could not agree more. If you must be the one to make the effort and travel over to him, definitely stay in a hotel.

Vahevala

The reason I hadn't met him up to now was that I was in a controlling relationship where I was not allowed to have friends or go anywhere.

He had offered before but due to the relationship I was in, it would have never been possible. He offered to come over this time and I decided to go because it is so long since I have been away and wanted a change of scenery.

Stavro Mueller

Vahevala wrote: »

The reason I hadn't met him up to now was that I was in a controlling relationship where I was not allowed to have friends or go anywhere.

I wouldn't have any particular issue with you not having met him until now. What people are asking is why you were the one to make the first trip? It may mean something, then again maybe not .

I think that controlling relationship of yours has a lot to do with how your parents are reacting now. I'm not sure you're understanding this too well. You didn't saw whether they tried to get you out of there before you broke up with your ex. While you were with him they would've felt helpless and also would've wondered why you wouldn't leave. I've seen threads here from people in awful relationships who just can't cut the cord. I sometimes think "I'd love to lock you into a room, take away your phone and leave you there until you come to your senses"

Your parents may be doubting your taste in men after what happened with your ex. Incidentally, did you go for any counselling after your relationship ended? I'm not suggesting this guy in the UK is anything other than genuine but for your own sake you do need to be careful. If you fell into a controlling relationship before, who's to say you won't find yourself in one again. Not necessarily with this man but with any man.

IlmoNT4

OP, go but be safe and keep your head screwed on, that means

-staying in a hotel
-meeting him in a public place
-making your own way to and from that public place
-dont go off with him, as in dont get in a car with him or go some where private with him etc
-Telling people who you are meeting, when, where
-Staying in contact with someone you know
-Taking a black taxi back to where you are staying etc

If this is meant to be , then take the time to get to know someone. If you hit it off, and this guy is who he says he is, then he can come and see you and you both can take it from there. Simple

You mentioned that you are shy. Its much easier to chat to people online than it is in real life, and my concern for you, is that you land in the UK and find yourself in a situation you dont like or is dangerous. Forget the parents aspect of all of this, this is about you being responsible for yourself and your own safety.

Heres the thing, would you go off and meet a fella from Dublin who you met off the internet, go over to his house and stay? No, not a chance.
If I go on a date out, I always tell my sister where I'm going and who I'm meeting and where. I text her when I get there to let her know if the guy is ok and then I text her when I go home. I had a horrible incident in a wine bar, where my date got very touch feely and aggressive and I had to ask the bar man to call me a cab and walk me to the cab, mean while this guy went mental, roaring and shouting. It was horrible and very scary.That was upsetting but I was in Dublin and knew exactly where I was, knew I could call on the bar man to help me, knew I could be back in my home by taxi and had my family to call on if things were bad. You'll be vulnerable in the UK, especially if you are shy and not a traveler. I'm not trying to scare you, its good to go and do these things but do them safely.

SpaceTime

The key piece of advice is that you shouldn't be depending on any stranger for accommodation in a situation like this.

Meet in a public place like a cafe, restaurant or bar.

Don't get very drunk.

Ensure someone else knows where you are and that your mobile is fully charged.

Make your own assessment of him in real life in the normal way. You have to be able to read body language etc etc

If you get a bad vibe, go with your gut instinct and make an excuse and leave (by taxi as you can't be followed)

Personally, I don't see any big deal about online vs bumping into someone at a pub but, like anything you should take some degree of precaution and not put yourself into any kind of risky situation.

A huge % of meeting up with dates now occurs online and a very tiny % turn out weird. You always run the risk of meeting a dodgy character on or offline.

zeffabelli

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I wouldn't have any particular issue with you not having met him until now. What people are asking is why you were the one to make the first trip? It may mean something, then again maybe not .

I think that controlling relationship of yours has a lot to do with how your parents are reacting now. I'm not sure you're understanding this too well. You didn't saw whether they tried to get you out of there before you broke up with your ex. While you were with him they would've felt helpless and also would've wondered why you wouldn't leave. I've seen threads here from people in awful relationships who just can't cut the cord. I sometimes think "I'd love to lock you into a room, take away your phone and leave you there until you come to your senses"

Your parents may be doubting your taste in men after what happened with your ex. Incidentally, did you go for any counselling after your relationship ended? I'm not suggesting this guy in the UK is anything other than genuine but for your own sake you do need to be careful. If you fell into a controlling relationship before, who's to say you won't find yourself in one again. Not necessarily with this man but with any man.

I think one would need to know more of the family background here.

If its a controlling family, then likely to be led into controlling partnerships.

Some families give you automatic stockholm syndrome

SpaceTime

Basically a good relationship isn't controlling it's mutually supportive and fun.

It's worth always stepping back and assessing where a relationship is going before any Stockholm syndrome scenarios kick in !

Vahevala

My parents knew nothing of my past relationship or how bad it was. They say to me now: oh you should have got out of that relationship years ago but yet never offered to help me at the time or even question the relationship.

Yesterday, I tried to ring my Mother to discuss it, she didn't really want to converse with me about it and seemed like she couldn't get off the phone fast enough.

I offered to go because I haven't left this country in years, I wanted a break, wanted the chance to visit another country. I haven't been away in 10+ years.

Stavro Mueller

Oh I'd say they saw more than you think they did. People are slow to interfere in other people's relationships. If they'd said anything at the time what would you have done anyway? Dug your heels in? Regardless of what they did or didn't do, they know the truth now. It may be why they're worried about you this time round.

I think you need to let this lie now. There is absolutely nothing you can say to your parents that will make them any happier about your upcoming trip. They're going to be unhappy about it from the moment your plane takes off until it lands again back in Ireland. All you can do is promise to keep in touch and take the precautions that have been outlined by others here.

At 37 years of age you don't need your parent's approval anyway. You've learned to your cost that letting them in on your plans has caused you nothing but heartache. Why did you tell them in the first place? Were you looking for validation?

athtrasna

Vahevala wrote: »

I offered to go because I haven't left this country in years, I wanted a break, wanted the chance to visit another country. I haven't been away in 10+ years.

Then please stay in a hotel. Even book in there for the first night or two to see how things go. Do not go and stay with a guy you've never met. It's really not safe!

athtrasna

athtrasna wrote: »

Then please stay in a hotel. Even book in there for the first night or two to see how things go. Do not go and stay with a guy you've never met. It's really not safe!

Plus it's nice to get away and be in a hotel in luxury all for yourself for your first trip in a long time, not as a guest in someone's home

Vahevala

Even if I didn't tell them, our flights coming back land in Dublin at a similar time so there would have been a major risk of bumping in to each other at the airport.

I told them stupidly because I wanted to be honest and I regret it now. It caused no end of drama.

la cienega

OP you seem reluctant to take on any of the advice offered here tbqh. I've met people from the Internet before and always stay safe - by letting friends and family know where I'm going, staying in my own accommodation, knowing my own way home etc. In fact I met a friend in the States after knowing her for eight years online. We both met in Chicago (not her home city) and stayed in the same hotel, with separate rooms.

Maybe your mum was eager to get off the phone with you because you are frustrating and worrying her. Yes you haven't been away anywhere in ten years but that's no reason to just throw caution to the wind like this. Especially when meeting someone IRL can actually be awkward and completely different from your online communications.

Vahevala

Just to let you know that I decided not to go in the end. The guy seemed to be messing me around, I had put up with some crap for a while where he would go off drinking, deny he was out drinking and then ignore all my calls and there seemed to be a pattern for this and he never wanted to change.

I guess I put up with it because I thought it is better off than being alone, it is hard to cut ties but I know it wouldn't have worked. He was into the pub lifestyle and I really wasn't. I do feel a bit lonely now though I am going to work on making new friends and trying to just enjoy my life & focus on the things that I need to do, carry on losing weight being one (lost over 5 stone 9lbs so far!)

Stavro Mueller

Oh dear. Still if that's the way he behaves then you did the right thing. I can understand why you'll feel lonely because you were friends and he was a big part of your life.

Before I go any further let me congratulate you on your amazing weight loss. Well done you!!! That's some achievement and hopefully it will do your confidence some good.

You know, even though you've called off the trip it might still be a nice idea to treat yourself to a holiday or a mini break. Just for a change of scene. Just a thought

Vahevala

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Oh dear. Still if that's the way he behaves then you did the right thing. I can understand why you'll feel lonely because you were friends and he was a big part of your life.

Before I go any further let me congratulate you on your amazing weight loss. Well done you!!! That's some achievement and hopefully it will do your confidence some good.

You know, even though you've called off the trip it might still be a nice idea to treat yourself to a holiday or a mini break. Just for a change of scene. Just a thought

It was happening over and over but I put up with it because I didn't want to be lonely but in the end I was because he kept ignoring me.

Thank you so much I am actually planning to go to the UK to see family instead. I am just going to try to focus on the future

Neyite

You've got a great awareness of your own self worth, and what you are happy with in a relationship and what you aren't. You cant go far wrong with that.

Vahevala

It's so hard, I miss talking to him so much, feel pretty low right now.

beks101

Glad you made the right decision for yourself OP.

For what it's worth, I think you sound very very vulnerable. Everything you've posted so far points to a real lack of self esteem, self worth, self confidence, perhaps as a result of the controlling relationship you previously went through.

At 37 years of age you shouldn't be seeking the approval of your parents like some incapable teenager. You're a grown woman with an independent life and should be secure in yourself and self aware enough to realize what's right and what's wrong for you.

I love my parents more than anyone on this planet but if I were to seek their approval on my life decisions we'd have no relationship to speak of! They're great for advice but also a bit older, conservative, very traditional old fashioned and live in a very different world, some of the ways of my world are just completely unrelateable to them. If I was going on an online date, regardless of who it was, I'd dress it up as a white lie to them if I was even going to mention it, and keep my close friends in the loop in terms of the who and what and where of the situation, it would be the only way to save them the worry and save me the hassle!

And on top of that, you seem to have built this guy up far far too much, without it having any real-life basis. Talking to someone online and getting on with them in the outside world can be two very, very different things and yet you were contemplating the cost-saving benefits of moving to the UK and moving in with him, without having met the guy? Perhaps he became a bit of a crutch for you because you haven't built up your confidence and emotional strength since your previous relationship. That's something you definitely should work on in the months ahead.

Congrats on the weight loss Sounds like you're already making big positive changes in your life and this is the path you should continue on.

LadyAthame

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I'd understand your parents being concerned because of events in the news in the past week. So I'd understand them wanting to know his address.

We have all had our eyes opened to internet safety and you need to be careful.

It was happening over and over but I put up with it because I didn't want to be lonely but in the end I was because he kept ignoring me.

And on top of that, you seem to have built this guy up far far too much, without it having any real-life basis. Perhaps he became a bit of a crutch for you because you haven't built up your confidence and emotional strength since your previous relationship.

I agree with Beks101. Focus on you and start seeing other people :-) Well done on your weightloss.

Focus on people who actually want to be in your life. You deserve way better treatment than what he was giving you.

LegacyUser

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that OP. It would drive me insane if my parents tried to impose themselves on my life like that, so I hate to say it, but maybe they were right in this case. Not about everything; just about being cautious about someone who you don't know in real life. I hate saying that! - but maybe they're more perceptive than you think, and could see that you were feeling a bit vulnerable and lonely, and were worried for you.

Onwards and upwards though! You had the courage to stop a situation that didn't feel right for you, and much respect for doing that. I do think your parents were quite heavy-handed about it; but maybe lesson learnt, in that you don't need to share quite so much with them, but maybe they're not always wrong in their concern for you (even though they went about it in a less than ideal way!).

All the best for the future OP, I hope you enjoy your weekend and come back feeling refreshed and happier.