Old Friend

LegacyUser

This has been playing on my mind for a while. Hoping to get some opinions on my little problem.

Before Christmas, I met an old friend by chance. I was delighted to see her. We were friends in school. I have always struggled to keep friends in my life. I used to be kind of a negative person, but I'm working on it, and while I don't have loads of buddies, I have a fantastic family and one or two people I can rely on and really have great relationships with. No best friend though. I have considered a very small number of people my best friends over the years, but always knew I was not theirs. This person was definitely my best friend when I was in school. However, I know I wasn't hers. She's lovely, so had loads of others and that was always ok with me, as I know I'm really not best friend material.

Anyway, it had been a good few years since I had seen her when we met last year (in our 30s now). She seemed happy to see me too. We became Facebook friends and promised to meet up soon.

My problem is, I am kind of intimated to meet up with her. She's a lot more successful than me, has what I would call a dream job, something I know she has always wanted to do.

I was probably always a little intimidated while we were friends at school. I don't know if intimidated is the right word. I have a tendency to try too hard, while it always seemed easy for her to be nice and get on with people. I was just drawn to her, as she is so genuine and easy going, it would be hard not to be her friend, and I honestly never heard anyone say a bad word about her.

She's married and has a tonne of friends, and I just feel like, she wouldn't get anything out of meeting up with me.

I don't know if I feel inferior or something, it's just I can't see how she would have room in her life now for me, and I feel like I have very little to show for all those years we haven't seen each other. She is a lovely person, and I doubt she would even think these things of me, but maybe I'm still kind of intimidated by her now, or whatever I perceive her to be.

So, I'm holding back. I am scared of putting myself out there, and asking for a meet up. I'm afraid that she'll meet up with me and not like who I am now, or be disappointed with me or something.

Part of me really wants to connect with her again, but something is holding me back, fear of rejection?

Can I get over this negative feeling? Should I just bite the bullet and meet up with her? I'm afraid it will be a bad experience for me if she doesn't reciprocate (is that the right word?). All those negative feelings I worked so hard to overcome might return.

I should also say the ball is kind of in my court, as she now lives in my home town, which I visit regularly, but not there all the time. So it's kind of down to me to make the effort to arrange a meeting.

Am I better off to leave her be, or should I meet up with her, and face my fears? Am I obsessing over nothing?

Thanks for any replies.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

A few lines stand out in your post, as you have pretty much summed up the answer to your own issue.

So, I'm holding back. I am scared of putting myself out there, and asking for a meet up. I'm afraid that she'll meet up with me and not like who I am now, or be disappointed with me or something.

Part of me really wants to connect with her again, but something is holding me back, fear of rejection?

Yes you are holding back, because you are afraid to put yourself out there in case this person judges you, or decides not to meet up at all. But the question you have to ask is if this is any worse than the way you feel now?

At the moment you are full of apprehension. You are worried bout his this person thinks of you. You are measuring yourself against her other friends and putting yourself down in the process. You are measuring your own position in life against what she has achieved. But the thing is, at the moment you are worrying about unknowns. You have no tangible reason to believe that she would think any of these things, but if you don't face your fear and ask her, then you're always just going to wonder.

As you said, you have the perfect excuse - she lives in your home town and you have chatted about meeting up - so next time you are heading home, drop her a message to say that you will be home visiting family if she'd like to meet up for a coffee while you are there.

But you need to bear in mind that it just may not work out, and that she might say no for reasons that are absolutely no reflection on you. 'Sure we'll have to catch up sometime' is a great Irish-ism that often simply doesn't get followed through on. Or you've mentioned that she's married, so she may not feel comfortable meeting up with a guy she hasn't seen since school (asking her and her husband to meet for a pint sometime might be an idea). And if that's the case, fair enough. If that happens, then it's not a judgement on you - you asked to meet up, purely from the point of view of friendship, and she didn't follow up on it, for whatever her own reason may be. But at least you asked, instead of mulling it over in your head all the time.

Stavro Mueller

The one thing that's coming through to me in your post is how hard you are on yourself. I doubt you'd meet many people in your life who'll hammer you in the way you're doing to yourself. If she's the lovely person you say she is, she's not going to judge you because of where you are in your life now. If she has loads of friends, my guess is that she's an outgoing person who gets on with people. Why do you think she won't like to reconnect with you? She liked you when you were in school, you appear to have got on well when you reconnected, she doesn't appear to have swatted away the chance to meet up.

In short, I think you should meet up. Having said that, it might be worth stopping and thinking about where you would fit in the grand scale of things. You're in your 30s so you don't need me to tell you what friendships are often like when you get to this stage. Even if you find yourself reconnecting with her in a big way, you're never going to be besties. She's got her husband for that. Seeing as she has loads of other friends, you're going to be "a friend" rather than a close friend (if that makes sense?). Maybe if you stop thinking this is an audition, it might go better for you. Taking her down off that pedestal would be a good start. Maybe if you go into this thinking you've got other friends and that she'd just be a nice extra friend/acquaintance it might go better?

Starokan

Meet her, life is not a competition and what you can glean off facebook is very rarely an accurate reflection of what and where a person is at in their life. She could have any amount of things going on that you both may have in common.

This is a great chance to start afresh with someone, its just two old friends meeting, if you talk about your lives tell her the truth be it negative or positive. Perhaps a lasting friendship will develop or perhaps through her you may meet other people, either way its worth doing regardless of the outcome, if you wish friendships to be in your life you have to put yourself out there. Do nothing and your missing an opportunity

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify, I am female btw.

I guess you are right when you said I summed it up in my own post. But after your replies, I do feel like I should go ahead and ask her if she wants to have coffee.

I tend to be hard on myself, and I also tend to idolise people around me that I perceive to be better than me. I'm currently undergoing CBT for some of my issues, and a lot of what the posters have said is in sync with that.

I think I just needed it reinforced, that I have to put myself out there and not make assumptions about things that I have no evidence for.

Thanks everyone, this has really helped me.

Dellnum

Yes, ask her would she like to meet up with you for coffee but don't be surprised if she is not available and don't take it personally. If she is married I am sure her weekends are pretty full. Also, if she agrees to meet with you for lunch or coffee don't be surprised if this never happens again and don't take that personally either, that's the way life goes. Your gut instinct tells you that this girl has a pretty full life already and you seem to know already that this meet up may never happen, but no harm in getting in touch with her the next time you are going home and just ask her would she like to meet you. If she makes excuses and doesn't tell you to get in touch the next time you are home, then just forget about it.

I know that this is a post about this old friend and the insecurity you feel.

But I think that actually that's not the problem here. The problem is that you don't like yourself.

And while you can't control what anyone else thinks about you, you can learn to really like yourself.

I think you should focus on that.

shaymus27

Your friend sounds like a lovely woman.

I may not phrase this well, but many nice people who are comfortable in their skin enjoy being there and being nice for everyone, not just successful, glamorous people. She sounds like she has real class and quality and thus would probably value everyone for who they are, not what they are.

You obviously suffer from low self esteem and may not be aware of your own good qualities. If your friend wants to meet up with you, it may be because she remembers possibly how nice you were, how modest you were, how you weren't bitchy, how you never betrayed her like maybe some others did, how trustworthy you were, how sincere and honest you were, how you were genuine and not pretentious like so many. Chances are she will have a respect for you that you may not have fully managed yourself.

If she doesn't meet up, it may be because (as another posted) she may simply not have the time due to having kids etc. Don't take it personally as a rejection of you.

If you do meet up, you will probably have a great time and be glad to have met up with an old friend and will laugh to yourself about how you built it all up in your head.

Best of luck.