Still had box with TWO previous EX girlfriends stuff

lucylulu

Hi there,

I've been with my boyfriend for the past two years, very happy together we want to get married etc. I was recently at his home place. He had mentioned to me that he keeps little memories that we have shared together in this box. So when i was in his room I said "aw do you want to show me the box".
He brings down the box to the sitting room and I open it to find my letters I have written, cards, a receipt from our first date. How cute. I delve deeper to discover that in fact there are other cards, pictures, love notes from his two previous girlfriends. These pictures included one with the ex girlfriend sitting on his lap one was a selfie lying in bed.
One of these exs had been texting him on occasion, Christmas, new-years, birthdays until recently when he asked her to stop because I started to feel strange about this. By her texts she seemed to be trying to start up a conversation. Her little love notes was in this box.
Basically he saw I was obviously disturbed by him giving me a box full of this stuff and he said he would get rid of their stuff saying that he has no need for it anymore.
I just want to know if anyone has ever had this type of experience. why did he keep them things? now I feel like I'm the crazy one asking him to get rid of this stuff. HELP

dory

I think it's normal enough to keep things. It's also normal for you to want him to get rid of those things, especially a selfie in bed. I think the fact that he showed you means it's not a secret. Did he have any problem with the idea of throwing them things away?

lucylulu

Hi Dory,

Thanks for writing back, no he didn't at all. He's probably going to do it as soon as he gets a chance. Just horrible I really didn't want to have those images embedded in my mind. I just don't want to feel crazy by asking has he got rid of all the stuff. I suppose I should appreciate his openness but I feel like there can be a fine line. I think I'm more sensitive about seeing it as he had recently told his ex to stop texting. He even felt bad about doing that saying that she didn't he anything by it. I guess only time will help to erase the images!

Dog of Tears

TBH your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive idiot.

Not sure what why he would have thought that was appropriate.

Stench Blossoms

Could he have possibly forgot they were there?

lucylulu

well he said he didn't realise they were there, but I find that hard to believe. If I was handing him a box full of stuff like that I'd be fully aware. Anyway I wouldn't keep stuff like that after a break up, never mind handing it to my current boyfriend. Very annoying.

TerrorFirmer

lucylulu wrote: »

I guess only time will help to erase the images!

He didn't do anything particularly wrong from what I've read, it certainly was no secret. Fair enough if they were raunchy, hardcore photos or something, but saying that only time can help erase images of someone sitting in your ex's lap is ridiculously dramatic. He's a grown man who's had previous relationships and that's perfectly fine.

The reaction that to keep these items is somewhere very 'abnormal' is in itself strange.

I do have stuff from my serious exes, photos, some cards, that sort of thing. I keep them in a box as well, for the very innocent reason that they're from two people who were a huge part of my life at one time.

If someone told me I 'had' to dump them I'll them to get lost. I would never dream of asking someone to throw out their diaries/photos/letters/whatever else they might have.

lucylulu

Hi Terror Firmer,

Thank you for your perspective. Maybe my reaction is a bit strange but it was probably because I didn't expect to be handed a box full of his memories from his previously relationships. He had never said this before, my understanding was that this box was a box with our memories from our relationship.

So you think i'm abnormal for feeling uncomfortable with him having these items???

TerrorFirmer

I think it is abnormal to believe that he should not have them. You asked - why did he keep these things? There is nothing wrong with keeping them.

If he's ever given an indication that he wasn't over his exe's, or pined after them, or something of that nature, that would be different, but he hasn't, and it all seems very innocent to me.

Yes handing them to you in a box without a word or two mentioned about other stuff being in there is a bad judgement call, but again, from your post it does sound innocent and just down to a poor call.

All in all I don't think he's done anything wrong, certainly nothing weird or strange in his keeping these items, and it's common enough.

manonboard

Hi OP.

Id like to agree n disagree in different aspects.

I think you were in the wrong to ask him to stop texting his ex.i also think you were wrong to have the stuff disposed of if im reading this right.

Whilst i understand exs can trigger jealousy n insecurities. You emotionally manipulated him into changing his behaviour and contact with his friend (the ex). Its very dangerous precident. I know you may think its not like that but thats how all people who do that feel.
I know you didnt mean it in a malicious intent n im sure you love your boyfriend alot.. but it seems like you made a decision that he should change in order to suit your feelings. Rather than you addressing your insecurity and trust issue.
Loving someone is about accepting someone in totality.. everytime u want the other person to change is basically saying you love him except for this part n that part. Then he'll change to suit ur insecurities n be less free to be himself.. n hed love you so much more if he can always be himself.. youd be such a rare gem if you can facilitate that.

i keep memory boxes n photos on fb. Asking someone to wipe away evidence of thier past is very restrictive n almost like hiding reality.. it made him who he is n if you love him. You need to fully accept that.. without fear..or else you just fear a part of him.

Its normal to feel the way you did but normal just means common.. not good r healthy.

If i was you. Id set up a night for you both indoors n you could have a nice dinner and go through all the box together.. hear his tales of excitement n his crazy ideas for his never to be had future with these exs. Youd get to enjoy n love him so much more n itd bring you closer together rather than starting a trend of hiding/excluding.

Sure hope that aids you in some ways. All the best.

lucylulu

Ok Thanks Terror Fimer. Maybe you're right. No he has never pined over his exes. Ever. He's happy with me. I do agree with you that perhaps a bit of a heads up would have been nice, but overall I suppose it is innocent.

Thanks!

lucylulu

Thank you so much manonboard, I know I know it is my own issues. Maybe I should tell him to keep them. You're very right it is like denying the reality, when it's not necessary. I did tell him I felt bad for asking him to stop texting her back. I dunno it's my problem not his. I just didn't want to see the pictures and cards.. "Love you forever". I suppose I'm jealous in a way that I wish I was his first girlfriend. I need to get over it we're together two years. He's mad about me and I am for him too. I suppose if it wasn't for those two relationships he wouldn't be the man he is today.

manonboard

lucylulu wrote: »

Thank you so much manonboard, I know I know it is my own issues. Maybe I should tell him to keep them. You're very right it is like denying the reality, when it's not necessary. I did tell him I felt bad for asking him to stop texting her back. I dunno it's my problem not his. I just didn't want to see the pictures and cards.. "Love you forever". I suppose I'm jealous in a way that I wish I was his first girlfriend. I need to get over it we're together two years. He's mad about me and I am for him too. I suppose if it wasn't for those two relationships he wouldn't be the man he is today.

Im a big fan of putting a positive spin on things which bug me.. it changes the feelings.. 'previous relationships helped him iron out all the ****ty habits he had so hes better to be with now '

good on you OP. Takes strength to learn from our mistakes.. especially when its such an socially accepted form of mistake!
Hope your feeling better.

zeffabelli

lucylulu wrote: »

Thank you so much manonboard, I know I know it is my own issues. Maybe I should tell him to keep them. You're very right it is like denying the reality, when it's not necessary. I did tell him I felt bad for asking him to stop texting her back. I dunno it's my problem not his. I just didn't want to see the pictures and cards.. "Love you forever". I suppose I'm jealous in a way that I wish I was his first girlfriend. I need to get over it we're together two years. He's mad about me and I am for him too. I suppose if it wasn't for those two relationships he wouldn't be the man he is today.

Doesn't everyone believe it is forever at the time?

You don't like it because it reminds you could end up as a box of memories one day.

I love you. I don't love you anymore. I never loved you. The usual story.

I think it's nice that he has the maturity to acknoweldge they had meaning for him, and he doesn't have to do the "I never loved you" part of the story.

LegacyUser

At least it appears he has been open with you, i.e. he told you about the texts from ex and said he said he would stop communicating with her. He said he would get rid of things from his ex. I doubt he meant for you to see them. He may / may not get rid. But it's in his past. Don't we all like to keep some keepsakes from our past. I think he loves you , he loves you in his present, they are his past. I wouldn't worry about it. And yes I have come across letters/photos from a previous boyfriends exes. But I prob have letters and letters from exes floating around in my house too (in shoebox or bottom drawers). Don't fret if you feel otherwise secure in your relationship

skallywag

I see nothing at all wrong with him keeping the stuff though it was quite thoughtless of him to show it to you in that manner.

Floppybits

skallywag wrote: »

I see nothing at all wrong with him keeping the stuff though it was quite thoughtless of him to show it to you in that manner.

I have to disagree that it was thoughtless, he probably forgot what was in the box. The OP asked to see what was in the box and he showed here without a second thought. How worse would it have looked if he had said "Just let me look in the box before I show you " as if he had had something to hide. Like others have said we all have stuff from previous relationships knocking around somewhere, I know I do and if my wife found them or asked to see them I would say "sure here ya go" and I wouldn't go through it either before she looked as that would just look like you are trying to hide something.

giggle84

The only issue I would have with this is that the stuff from the exes is in the same box as mementos of your relationship and he gave it to you as if it was normal to show it all to you. I'm sure it was a bit of a shock cos you were expecting love tokens to do with you and found photos of exes! So I don't think your reaction is totally crazy but I don't think he should have to destroy anything, maybe just keep it in a different box on top of the wardrobe or something!

El_Duderino 09

Dog of Tears wrote: »

TBH your boyfriend sounds like an insensitive idiot.

Not sure what why he would have thought that was appropriate.

Are you 15 by any chance? That's fair enough if you're expecting your partner not to have a past. Their partner's past experience makes them the person they are now. You can't have one without the other.

OP he didn't make a secret out of having partners in the past. I's normal to feel a bit jealous towards his partners but it's your responsibility to keep your irrational jealousy in check. It's your problem, not his.

He tried to share his past with you and you rejected it. That's a d1ck thing to do when you think about. Forget getting married until you grow up a bit. What if he makes new work friends... den den den... with a girl?

Shrap

OP, I appreciate that you got a little weirded out by his mementos and texting exes, and I'm happy to see that you recognise this as your own insecurities and not something that he should stop or deny or get rid of to suit you.

Just to add a little more perspective here. My bf (we're in our 40's and 50's) has a tattoo on his back with his most significant ex's nickname around a heart (cheesy, I know!), and a box full of photos with various ex's including this one - their life together at that time. I'd be lying if I said that the first time I saw her photos and art work that she made him, my own insecurities didn't rear up, because they did - but like you, I fought them down and it's all good now.

How would it be, to be with an adult who never in their lives had properly loved anyone else/had their heart broken/found out what to do or not to do in a relationship? At my age I don't think I'd have the energy to be with someone who didn't already know about the pleasure, the pit-falls and the pain.

My ex-husband was so controlling and insecure and made such a big deal about my "stuff" relating to my past, that to my shame I threw it all out. I still think about those photos/mementos and regret that I can't show my future grand-kids such a huge part of my life. That's one of the reasons he's an ex-husband.

LegacyUser

It wouldn't bother me that he has them at all but I think it's really weird that he keeps all that stuff together with stuff from your relationship,

Bodhi

Its his past but since he didn't make too much of a fuss to get rid of it then I wouldnt worry to much about it.

Taltos

Closed thread since they've closed their account the OP cannot contribute to their thread anymore.