Why do i base my sense of self-worth on whether i'm with a girl or not?

LegacyUser

This is a big problem for me to be honest and it has been since my first relationship. I guess I've always struggled with loneliness, being a shy guy and an only child. On the one hand i'm used to it more than most but on the other it makes me uncomfortable being lonely as often as I am.

It feeds into my relationships with women. I become jealous, insecure, and needy. I keep thinking stupid things like "oh she hasn't replied in x amount of time, maybe she doesn't want to be with me".It's like my sense of self-worth starts to depend on whether I have a woman in my life.

It even becomes the case with casual flings. I had one recently and when the girl went a bit quiet I got depressed and assumed she was off with other men. But so what if she was, it's not like we are in a relationship. She also lives very far from me. But I get down and depressed when I have no woman texting my phone or calling me. I adopt this forever alone attitude. Instead of accepting things at face value and saying "that was an enjoyable fling, I had a great time" I go all deep and emotional and think, 'why couldn't it be more? why am I just destined to be alone? I miss her so much. I'll never find the right woman'.

The annoying thing is that i'm an interesting person and I have other things i'm passionate about than being with somebody. It's not like I spend all my time craving to be with a girl. but when a girl does come on the scene, that fear of being alone in case it ends causes me to turn into this ridiculously insecure, serious person who can never enjoy myself fully because of the possible damage being alone again will do to my self-worth. I'm not even sure what can be done to overcome this. I guess I thought here might be a good place to post.

Lux23

Why have flings then? Why not actively look for more if that's what you want?

manonboard

Hi Op.

Firstly if i may, fair dues to you for having the courage to look into yourself in such an objective and truthful manner. It invokes great fear in many to contemplate those types of thoughts n it drives huge amounts of behaviour for nearly everyone.
Trying to fix loneliness with people or relationships ends up being compulsive n full of ddesperation. A real easy rule of thumb is that desperate needy behaviour is a psychological need being threathened.

Your story reminds me so much of my own history. I struggled with it for years. Validation n self esteem from approval from others.. deep rooted by cultural conditioning and insecurities of self devaluing conclusions i formed in my unsuccessful teenage years.

If you fancy tackling the root cause of the issue. May i suggest a book called awareness by anthony de mello. Its also on youtube for free listening. Scary stuff but ive yet to meet a sane person who would argue the truth of the words.

Your needy desperate behaviour is very likely as you already identified, looking for inner needs in the outside. Its like a drug.. put it in front of you and you lose your marbles wanting it.. then fear not having it.. then change to keep it n get more.. its a harrowing existence in my view. Far better to learn not to need it.. and have it anyways. Its a rich part of life with much pleasure if you stop fearing not having it.
All comes down to acceptance of oneself in totality and a decision to stop searching for happiness in others. When you do that.. enjoying relationships n flings becomes much easier n you end all the stupid conflict from needy behaviour. Both inside n out.

An alternative is to get in a relationship without resolving the issue n go through the same ups n downs as most others. Its not for me.. full of conflicts.. jealousy..worries.. yuck.

Self esteem is much healthier when its derived from within. It becomes practically untouchable n unrelated to success or gains. Your 100% useful to you.. and thats the only thing you need to compare yourself to when considering your worth. 100% all the time OP. Even when u fail r are wrong.. 100% of you helping you the best you know how.

All the best. N good luck with yourself.

Ray.

Virgil°

Lux23 wrote: »

Why have flings then? Why not actively look for more if that's what you want?

Bit of an odd post, doesn't really address the OP's issue at all.

OP i was quite like you a handful of years ago. And those lonely fears caused me to stay in relationships that weren't healthy for me.

It's great that you say you have other passions. But if they're passions that have you sitting in your room every night then they won't do a huge amount to help you overcome this.

I found that i changed completely after moving in together with housemates and joining sports and clubs that had me meet other active people who were interested in doing things. It really counteracts that mopey little voice in your head to get moving and exercising. It doesn't have to be mainstream sports like football, just anything to get you out.

I also set up another little voice in my head now that cuts the depressing guy off after a set amount of time . "Ok we're done being miserable here" and then i force myself to do something productive.

Being in a relationship should add to an already happy routine. And being in one in your current state is only a temporary fix. Once you find yourself being content in your own skin these fears in a relationship will subside and you'll be able to relax better.
It's ok to feel upset and lonely for a bit but don't allow it to pervade your every thought.


All the best OP.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. to the poster who mentioned that its good having interests but not so good if im in my room all the time. you pretty much described my life perfectly. i play guitar, love football, love reading but its all stuff I can do alone in my room. obviously not play football - but watching it. i guess it just hurts me that ive spent so much of my life alone that when someone comes along the thought of going back to that existence is literally the worst thing that can happen to me. i fear it so much that i stay in unhealthy relationships for too long (in my first one we fought a lot and hadn't had sex in over a year by the time it ended). And ive yet to be in a relationship in the 3 years since that ended. due to the exact same fear as before. that my self-worth will sink to ground zero as soon as the relationship ends. but as i mentioned, even with flings my self worth has been effected. the same fears kick in every time i get remotely close with a girl now. its horrible.

Virgil°

lowselfesteem1 wrote: »

thanks for the replies. to the poster who mentioned that its good having interests but not so good if im in my room all the time. you pretty much described my life perfectly. i play guitar, love football, love reading but its all stuff I can do alone in my room. obviously not play football - but watching it. i guess it just hurts me that ive spent so much of my life alone that when someone comes along the thought of going back to that existence is literally the worst thing that can happen to me..

Listen, don't sweat it. I've been exactly there(and for no short period of time!) and when you fill up your life with stuff that includes getting out of that space then the threat of breaking up doesn't become this gaping abyss of loneliness waiting for you. Forget about dating for a bit.

So you can play guitar, fantastic. Join a band.
Football , join a 5 aside astro league.
Those are just two possibilities.
Don't sit there thinking about doing it. Actually ****ing do it! Whatever you do don't spend a moment more than you need to sitting alone in your room, go for a run if you've no other choice.
It'll be slow progress but if you work at it I truely believe in a few months time you'll look back and won't recognise yourself.