Head is wrecked

LegacyUser

So i've been going out with a wonderful girl for 2 years now and we're due to move in together in the next month or so, problem is that recently i've been longing to be single again, I spent most of my 20's being single and to be honest I loved it as I'm quite an independent guy and like my own company. I know the grass isnt always greener and I know that if i ended it now there will be times where i'll regret finishing it as she's great.
I think this has all come about due to the fact that we're moving in together, it is worrying me to be honest and I dont want to hurt her but I know that she will be devastated it I end it, would you end it now or move in and see how it goes?

Tokyo

I think that you need to sit down and ask yourself how deep these feelings and dounts go. It's possible that they are pre-moving-in-together jitters - livign with somebody is a big step in a relationship, and it's natural to think about the what-if's of the sitaution.

However, if you have any doubts that it may be something more than the above, and frankly, statements like "if i ended it now there will be times where i'll regret finishing it as she's great" lend credence to the fact that you may have concerns as to whether you want to be in the relationship in general, then the most unfair thing you could do would be to move in with her under those circumstances, and throwing her life into turmoil in the process.

Think about your own feelings on your relationship. Then talk to her, frankly, about your concerns.

pookie82

Moving in together is no small thing. Logistically alone, it's quite a massive undertaking, from house hunting, viewings, signing a lease, physically moving ALL of your possessions in, kitting it out with equipment you may not already have if you don't live independently yet (tvs/cutlery/kettles etc.), decorating, changing your address, the list goes on and on.

I would seriously advise against it without at least talking your concerns through with her first.

Imagine the embarrassment for her if you turn around a month in and say "actually this isn't what I wanted at all, and I had my doubts before even doing it." That'd be horribly unfair.

She's looking forward to a big new step and a massive move forward and you're going along with it as a "tester"? That's not a nice risk to take.

I'd imagine lots of guys feel like you do when they feel their independence officially "slipping away", and it may just be jitters, but it deserves a frank conversation before you put her through moving in with you.

strobe

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

would you end it now or move in and see how it goes?

There's a third option. Stay together but do not move in together. Just to throw it out there as you don't seem to be considering it.

Is it specifically the thought of living together, and not having your own space, or is that just one factor along with all the other things about being in a relationship versus being single?

LegacyUser

As someone whose younger brother went through a very messy break a few up just 3 months after moving in with his then girlfriend I really urge you to sit down with her and discuss this.
My brother ended up losing a lot of his savings through breaking the lease (deposit gone), months rent paid and he had to leave 2 days into the month, bills, shopping expenses and kitting out the apartment. It's amazing how much you spend in just 3 months, I couldn't believe it as he wasn't living extravagantly or anything like it!!
He ended up moving back home as he couldn't afford to rent by himself and thankfully was in a position to do this.
Please think of your gf in all of this. How would she cope if you were to decide a few months in that it wasn't for you? Would she have somewhere to go?
There are 2 of you in this relationship and both need to be thought of equally as there are huge consequences if it falls apart.

catonthewire

In all honesty, you appear in no way ready to move in with this girl....
It wouldn't be fair to either of you to take such a huge step, if you do move in to spare her feelings then change your mind she will be devastated....

Could you sit down with her, explain that you don't feel ready and suggest taking a break from eachother...
Loving someone means being in love with them, I seriously don't think you are with this girl.....

Idbatterim

Its a difficult situation for you and I sympathise OP, I have been there before myself. Moving in together can be very daunting, especially if you already have doubts. This is my take on it, at this stage I would either break up or move in and see how you get on (effectively pee or get off the pot). You may find that living together is too much for you, that you would like another shot at single life. I think the problem is, that once you get into your head, the grass is greener etc, it is very hard to get it out of your head and things can become a self fulfilling prophecy...

zoobizoo

Is this the first time you've decided to move in with a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is this the first time you've decided to move in with a girlfriend?

Yes this is the first time alright, I stay with her 3/4 nights a week though so should be a problem, We've been arguing a bit lately and I did say to her I worry that if we move in that it could go pear shaped after a few months but she reckons it will be the making of us. Its just the way I feel right now I'm not so sure

zoobizoo

When it's the first time it can be daunting.

Try (if you are going to move in) to eke out your own personal space and time.

If you weren't moving in together, would you still be thinking about ending it?

LegacyUser

Yes its been on mind for a while now, while I love her I actually dont whether i'm in love with her, we get on so well and i've realised that maybe thats not enough.

She's recently hinted at marriage and kids and what 32 year old girl doesnt think of that so she has every right, i've just been thinking that maybe i'm not that guy for her and she deserves to be the happiest girl in the world, at 34 I should be thinking along the same lines but I'm still a 25 year old at heart.

zoobizoo

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

.... while I love her I actually dont whether i'm in love with her, we get on so well and i've realised that maybe thats not enough.

........ but I'm still a 25 year old at heart.

If she said to you later today "Hey, I think we should break up" would you see it as an easy 'Out' and a relief for you or would you be devastated and try to fight to save the relationship?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

If she said to you later today "Hey, I think we should break up" would you see it as an easy 'Out' and a relief for you or would you be devastated and try to fight to save the relationship?

I was only thinking this yesterday, if she said "I think we should break up" i would be upset but i would see it as an easy way out to be honest

zoobizoo

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

I was only thinking this yesterday, if she said "I think we should break up" i would be upset but i would see it as an easy way out to be honest

Right so... don't move in with her and have a "chat".

See what she says.

Maybe you're too young to settle down and commit to anyone.

kylith

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

I was only thinking this yesterday, if she said "I think we should break up" i would be upset but i would see it as an easy way out to be honest

Honestly, I don't think you should move in with this woman. I think that you should break up with her. If you would see her ending it as an easy out then I don't think you are really invested in the relationship.

You want to be single and she wants to get married and have children. Unless you can see yourself wanting that in the next couple of years I feel that you would be leading her to believe that you want something that you don't, wasting reproductive years that she could better spend finding someone who does want the same things as her.

GalwayDub

I feel for you OP. Unfortunately I found myself in a similar circumstance. She was 4 years older (32) than me and we were going out for 2 years. When we moved in together, I had reservations but put it down to jitters. However after 7 months together I realised I didn't want to settle down though I would like to start a family but not for a good few years.

You say you wouldn't be hurt if you broke up now. If you feel like that this now think what it would be like in 4 months time.

Have the chat with her, it may be hard but in the long run it would be worse if you're not fully comittted. My ex was devasted but I know I did right in the long run.

gsi300024v

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

Yes this is the first time alright, I stay with her 3/4 nights a week though so should be a problem, We've been arguing a bit lately and I did say to her I worry that if we move in that it could go pear shaped after a few months but she reckons it will be the making of us. Its just the way I feel right now I'm not so sure

See what you wrote here, "I stay with her 3/4 nights a week though so should be a problem", did you mean to say shouldn't be a problem?
What has it been like with past relationships? HAve you ended them? How long is this relationship been going? How long have the others? What do you think of when you think of being single? Being single at 34 is quite different than at 25, lots of your same age friends must be married and starting to have kids? Not saying you have to, just that the people you went out with at 25 probably rarely go out now.
Have you lots of like minded single non-married friends or are most married or living with someone?
It is a bit step moving in with someone, but it can also be amazing.But it sounds as if you almost live together now but get to keep some of your independence too. Do you live with friends? Where does you gf live? With friends? Or her own place that you'll be moving into too?

gsi300024v

GalwayDub wrote: »

I feel for you OP. Unfortunately I found myself in a similar circumstance. She was 4 years older (32) than me and we were going out for 2 years. When we moved in together, I had reservations but put it down to jitters. However after 7 months together I realised I didn't want to settle down though I would like to start a family but not for a good few years.

You say you wouldn't be hurt if you broke up now. If you feel like that this now think what it would be like in 4 months time.

Have the chat with her, it may be hard but in the long run it would be worse if you're not fully comittted. My ex was devasted but I know I did right in the long run.

Was it good then that you moved in, it made you see you were not right for each other, if you'd not moved in it might have taken longer to find this out?

tinz18

gsi300024v wrote: »

Was it good then that you moved in, it made you see you were not right for each other, if you'd not moved in it might have taken longer to find this out?

This was my logic when I moved in with my boyfriend. I figured I'd rather know two years into the relationship whether we could live together, than invest more years into the relationship and discover I couldn't stand it. Luckily I've dropped on the can stand side, but I have a good few friends who couldn't, and they are still glad they found out sooner than later.

However OP since you're already having doubts about the relationship I think you owe it to your girlfriend to sit her down and tell her before moving in with her. In my opinion you should only move in together if both of ye are 100% invested in the relationship- otherwise when the inevitable issues that come from living together come up, its going to be a hell of a lot harder to get over them as one person won't be sure if they want to get over them.

ShaShaBear

You need to break up with her. Every year that goes by for her thinking you are committed is one year less she has to meet the right man and start a family. Knowing you want an easy way out, it would be utterly selfish and cruel of you to move in with her, only to dump her anyway and put her through all the hurt and upset that you don't even think you'd feel, as well as realising she's wasted 2 years of her life with you!

kylith

gsi300024v wrote: »

Was it good then that you moved in, it made you see you were not right for each other, if you'd not moved in it might have taken longer to find this out?

The problem with 'do it and see' is that if it doesn't work out then you have problems with breaking leases, finding somewhere else to live, sorting the finances.

If you think the relationship is sound then it's worth a shot, but if you don't... well personally I wouldn't risk locking myself into a lease with someone if I had doubts about the relationship.

pookie82

Thegrassisntgreener wrote: »

Yes this is the first time alright, I stay with her 3/4 nights a week though so should be a problem

I assume you meant to type "shouldn't" be a problem here.

FYI: "staying over" with someone 3-4 nights a week is NOT an indication of how you'll pan out living together.

Sharing and running a household amounts to a hell of a lot more than sleeping over. When you're sleeping over you don't have arguments about who takes out the bins, whose turn it is to cook dinner, whose account the electricity direct debit should come out of, who paid the gas bill this month, who's taking the car for the weekend ... you have no idea how you'll gel as a team when it comes to the nitty gritty of sharing a house with someone.

Having read the rest of your responses, though, moving in with this girl could be the biggest mistake of your life. I would advise against it.

If you're not ready to break up with her at the moment, at least be fair enough to put a halt to her moving in plans, and explain why. If that conversation ultimately leads to the break up, so be it.

If she's 32 and wants a family, for the love of god let her go to meet someone who'll give that to her and don't fanny about any longer with thoughts of "seeing how it goes". Your comment about feeling a semblance of relief if she ended it spells disaster for this relationship, to be honest.