Should I give him a chance?

LegacyUser

So, both in 3rd year of college studying the same thing. Been kind of with each other with the last 3 years, but not at the same time. He was always my best friend nicest boy in the world and we get on so well, not the type I'd normally go for looks wise but it has never bothered me. He's always been mad about me and has always said it, we've been unofficially together since September and haven't been with anyone else. We were completely open with each other and all our feelings were on the table. We had been exclusive about a month, until he got with two of the girls in my class while I was there, saw it happen went home and cried. He has been crying to me since, grovelling for me back. Now I didn't get mad at the time, I am devastated though. My friends will think I'm so stupid if I do take him back. Theyre always telling me how I can do so much better (he's not great looking), but he has always been so good to me and has treated me so well. I'd love to be able to cut all ties with him but I can't. He basically cheated, once I would have forgiven him for, but he knew I had gone home upset before the second girl. Basically, I know what I want but what I want and what I should do are different.. should I give him a chance?

strobe

When you say you've been completely open with each other, you've told him that you basically don't find him attractive?

Honestly I think you should probably go your separate ways. You don't fancy him. He's probably picked up on that (how could he not?) and so he's seeking that from other girls.

Can't see it ever lasting tbh.

Potatoeman

What does unofficially with someone but still exclusive mean? If youre exclusive then whats the difference.

ladygirl

Sounds like you've also been screwing him around more than you realise. You know he is crazy about you but keep him unofficially but exclusive - what even is that????

In the real world your either on or off... Apart from that your f**k buddies who are both free to do what they want..

Considering you weren't official - I wouldn't even consider it cheating - I would say he got sick of being your lapdog and did something for himself.. Aside from this I would say you don't fancy him so move on.

skallywag

oncegal wrote: »

Theyre always telling me how I can do so much better (he's not great looking), but he has always been so good to me and has treated me so well

So he is really good to you, treats you fantastic, but your friends are still actually telling you that you can do so much better.

Perhaps finding new friends may be your best plan of action?

I would keep away from him if I was you, you clearly think of yourself as much superior to him in the looks department, a point which I am sure will consistently return in the future as a source of conflict.

LegacyUser

oncegal wrote: »

not the type I'd normally go for looks wise but it has never bothered me.

If it really didn't bother you, you wouldn't think to mention it, but you did. Twice. It sounds like you've been stringing him along thinking he's not attractive enough for you, but you haven't been honest and fair by letting him go either. You're not committed enough to him to put aside what you think of his looks and what your friends think, but you want him not be with anyone else either. To be honest, that's a ridiculous approach to relationships and shows little respect for the fella. He shouldn't have "cheated", but then you didn't create the conditions for a committed relationship either.

I think you should give him a chance, a chance to go and find someone who'll value him enough to be honest and fair and not have questions about him because of how he looks.

The Princess Bride

oncegal wrote: »

.......not the type I'd normally go for looks wise but it has never bothered me.
.......My friends will think I'm so stupid if I do take him back. Theyre always telling me how I can do so much better

Nowhere did the OP say she didn't fancy her boyfriend.She clearly says he wasn't her type -that her friends think she can do better- clearly nothing about not fancying him.

Regardless.
OP. It doesn't matter what your friends think-he cheated twice when you were supposed to be exclusive- that's the issue.All the crying and grovelling won't condone this behaviour.

Was he on the same wavelength as you in relation to the exclusivity? If so, then he choose to cheat, not once-but twice.
Not acceptable.

MrWalsh

oncegal wrote: »

Been kind of with each other with the last 3 years, but not at the same time.

How were ye with each other but not at the same time?

oncegal wrote: »

we've been unofficially together since September and haven't been with anyone else.

Whats unofficial? That you pretend you are not with him is it?

oncegal wrote: »

We had been exclusive about a month, until he got with two of the girls in my class while I was there, saw it happen went home and cried.

Was this in October or recently? Were you still pretending not to be with him?

oncegal wrote: »

My friends will think I'm so stupid if I do take him back.

You cant base who you go out with on what your friends think!

If I understand your post correctly (and Im not sure I do), you were only secretly with him so he probably got tired of being a dirty little secret and wanted to show you that other women liked him and werent afraid to be with him in public.

I think unless you are willing to drop the game playing theres no point in going back with him.

Pentecost

Princess Bride, she said "he's not great looking" sounds like she doesn't fancy him to me. Agree with those above that if you're not attracted to him at this stage then it won't last. It's pretty superficial of your friends to be telling you to get rid of him just based on looks however.

Mr. Incognito

Looks fade. A good heart stays.

Your friends sound like idiots.

You werent a couple.

You werent his girlfriend.

Go be with someone you arent looking down your nose at.

He deserves better.

LadyAthame

oncegal wrote: »

We had been exclusive about a month, until he got with two of the girls in my class while I was there, saw it happen went home and cried. He basically cheated, once I would have forgiven him for, but he knew I had gone home upset before the second girl. ..............

but he has always been so good to me and has treated me so well.

The first part of that contradicts the second.

Don't get back with him.

'If I understand your post correctly (and Im not sure I do), you were only secretly with him so he probably got tired of being a dirty little secret and wanted to show you that other women liked him and werent afraid to be with him in public.'


This was really disrespectful. Look the two of you have an unhealthy dynamic. You both need to stop hurting each other. You should never keep someone a secret that is not on.

If you are with someone you treat them as best as you possibly can cheating or hiding someone or whatever probably means the two of you need to work on yourselves as people a bit.

The other posters are being harsh on you though. He cheated and they are inferring a lot from your post that I don't even see. He was the one who cheated.

Unofficially together just means you were hanging out and had not yet said it as in dating. You said you were exclusive for a month and during that month he cheated twice. This is why I feel you need to really be clear on the importance of monogamy in relationships.

You said looks wise he had not been your usual type but it didn't bother you.

You know I think when you are with a guy or a guy is with a girl you have to feel that they are the most attractive girl/guy in the world to YOU. If you don't it doesn't work.

blueb

give him a chance

LegacyUser

LadyAthame wrote: »

The other posters are being harsh on you though. He cheated and they are inferring a lot from your post that I don't even see. He was the one who cheated.

Unofficially together just means you were hanging out and had not yet said it as in dating. You said you were exclusive for a month and during that month he cheated twice. This is why I feel you need to really be clear on the importance of monogamy in relationships.

You said looks wise he had not been your usual type but it didn't bother you.

You know I think when you are with a guy or a guy is with a girl you have to feel that they are the most attractive girl/guy in the world to YOU. If you don't it doesn't work.

He didn't cheat, they weren't going out. He's been mad after her for years and was straight up with her about it so the reason they aren't a couple is obviously because she didn't want them to be.

She said they'd been 'exclusive about a month'...they would have been 'exclusive' for years if she actually wanted to go out with him. So obviously she's been happy enough not going out with him and instead getting off with other blokes for the past few years. And then he has enough of being treated like a dirty secret and gets with some other girls...and now he's a cheater? Lol...if you want to go out with someone do, if you don't then don't...don't expect them to be strung along for ever in the background until you find someone you do want to go out with and then ditch them. Stringing someone along is cruel. She has no right to expect him not get with other girls when she hasn't been willing to go with him herself.

LadyAthame

Strungalong wrote: »

He didn't cheat, they weren't going out. He's been mad after her for years and was straight up with her about it so the reason they aren't a couple is obviously because she didn't want them to be.

She said they'd been 'exclusive about a month'...they would have been 'exclusive' for years if she actually wanted to go out with him.

I am pretty certain she has said they were exclusive when he cheated??? Not necessarily some people take time to get it together.

I am not saying she is perfect or whatever.

If a guy went off with other girls while we were officially dating I would not be able to LOOK at him let alone be with him. I would want to end it because otherwise I would end up despising him. In fact I would probably already despise him.

I would say end it because she is only going to get hurt and end up truly hating this person and that would be a shame.

In fairness I would not behave like the OP to this guy. But if you cheat on me you are dead to me romantically. I would have to remove myself from the situation.

I have no time for cheaters. He did it twice in FRONT of her, that's awful. He did it to hurt her. He is horrible.

I agree the secrecy is just wrong too. But that is more evidence that they should not be together. You should be very OPEN about relationships and be proud of your partner etc. I agree on that.

I just think if she gets back with him there will be more drama.

LadyAthame

If he was not actually with this girls while you were exclusive op then technically he did not cheat. It just goes to show why monogamy or a mutual understanding of where you are is important though.