Excluded as an Adult...

LegacyUser

Hi there, just want to see if anyone has similar experience to what is happening to me and my husband at the moment. In brief - live in housing estate 10 years, developed a circle of friends, meet up in each others house for dinner/drinks etc....however, about 3 years ago, my husband lost his job so had to take up weekend work...slowly but surely....invites stopped coming (I know he would be working but I was at home)...in my mind I started to try and rationalise it - its all couples...but I know I personally would never leave anyone out... Anyways, a new couple came on the scene and they started to throw dinner parties but never invited me or my husband - I call them 'The New Us'. One of the lads also has a lads night every Sunday in his house.
My husband used to be invited around (he doesn't work Sundays) but in the last few weeks, the invites have stopped coming but the lads night is still going ahead...basically, what I'm trying to say is that me and my husband both feel like we're 6 year old kids who have been left out of the class party (you know the one where everyone is invited except you???)

My husband says he doesn't really care but I do. I'll just be honest about it. I've never been dumped before. I have really good childhood/school/late teen friends who I'm still friends with but the good thing about this group of friends is that we are all local to each other and it was great to just stroll to someones house with the kids for a couple of drinks and chat. Its quite a lonely time.

I just don't know how to deal with it. I've tried to stay friends with them but I just feel like a dope half the time - nearly forcing myself on them. and just to say - we have done nothing on them, they did nothing on us, there was never any issues, we were all very close so its not like they don't like us....or can you just stop liking someone!!! So I would love to hear peoples input...thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you ever invite them to yours? Maybe you have and they don't come, but your post is all about going to their houses or being invited by them.

MrWalsh

It sounds like you guys just didnt fit the criteria for inclusion anymore when you couldnt go to weekend things in the other couples houses. Was it always couples or was there ever individuals who went? Did you ever meet any of the people outside of the house parties, have tea or a walk alone with any of them - were they just friendships of convenience to have parties with couples?

If thats the case, then maybe it wasnt really friendship but simply "couples nights" and when you (as a couple) stopped being available for that it would have looked bad to then invite your hubby to lads nights.

Friendships based on just partying together or drinking together dont tend to be real friendships in my experience, they are simply convenient to a time and way of living. If something changes, then you find youre not welcome anymore.

ShowMeTheCash

As the last poster said, this group does not sound like friends but more so just a group of people that share a similar situation.

Sometimes these groups change or peopel do not "fit".

I do not think you can force these types of arrangements. They are what they are.

If they are not inviting you maybe they simply don't want to invite you.

Katgurl

I'd give it another bash OP and then you know you've done your best.

Organise a dinner in yours and invite them around.

Ask the girls to get together for a walk on Saturday morning.

Get to know the new couple.

Maybe the group was getting too big or they got out of the habit of inviting you.

If you try and they snub your invites then wash your hands knowing that you've done your best.

skallywag

My husband used to be invited around (he doesn't work Sundays) but in the last few weeks, the invites have stopped coming but the lads night is still going ahead...

This part strikes me as odd, i.e. your husband was regularly attending the lads night on Sundays, but then all of a sudden he was no longer invited starting a few weeks ago? Would give me the impression that there is more to this than meets the eye ...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input....some good food for thought there.

Ok. To respond to some of the queries - we have invited them around to ours, we used to take turns having the new years eve party at ours and we would have had them around a large number of times over the years.

It was never really always about the partying in each others houses - we attended each others weddings, christenings, birthdays etc - there was a close connection between some of us. We used to go walking on a Monday night - that stopped (not by me, I still do it with another lady I know)

In response to the lads night on the Sunday - the lad claims that he keeps forgetting my hubbie doesn't work Sundays - maybe this is true but how often do you need to remind someone??

We have a christening coming up soon and we have invited these couples - I am hoping it is the beginning of re-establishing some friendships. And in relation to getting to know the new couple - we have. They're pretty nice people but they have excluded us, not the other way round....

I spoke to a good friend yesterday about it and she kind of reiterated what a lot of you have said. Sh*t got real - hubbie lost job, I had a small bout of the blues after my last baby was born so the 'fun' was gone from our lives for a while - maybe these couples just wanted to keep it light and airy and fun.....I get this. I really do but, as I said before , I had developed what I thought was a close relationship with definitely one of the women.

Its funny because I try and teach my own children about including other kids and also I try and teach them no to worry if they are left out so I really should be practicing what I preach. But, as I said in my OP, I am finding it difficult. And to clarify, I no longer have the baby blues, I'm in good form so its not a factor in how I am seeing things at the moment...

Oh another thing that has upset us (ok, I;m ranting now) - a new scouts club was set up - the two women from my estate plus the new girl who came on board all put their kids in - not one of them thought to say it to me for my wee lad...its too late now to get him in as the waiting list is too long. Its little things like that. I said it to one of them 'Oh if I knew it existed I would have put little johnny in' and there response was 'oh sorry, I should have said it to you...........'.

Anways, onwards and upwards. Lets see how the christening goes......

Big Bag of Chips

Just as an aside to your original issue - the best way to shorten the waiting list for Scouts is to get more adult leaders in The more leaders that are there, the more kids can go.

Put his name on the waiting list anyway. He'll get in when a few kids drop out/move up to the next age group.

LegacyUser

Thanks Chips, emailed them this morning!!!