Might Like a Friend Who is a Player? Not Sure!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one (not that it'll make a difference, really).

I hadn't met anybody I liked since last September, and that never went anywhere (I thought the guy hadn't an interest in even being friends with me. Turns out he's just extremely shy and quiet. We're now acquaintances [getting there!], but I've no romantic feelings towards him anymore). People often say to me "you'll find someone eventually " and the likes. I'm finding it so disheartening.

I'm 21, never had a boyfriend as I have had my fair share of issues (had an abusive parent). I'm working through them but I want to get myself out there at this stage.

Thing is, at the moment I like a friend. He's a complete player and a charmer. He's kissed a few of my closest friends (and made advances to go further - they all refused). Now I'm not sure if I like him or not.

When we first met, I'll be honest, I did like him. That was months ago. We see each other fairly often, and lately whenever I know I'm going to see him I've found myself wanting to make the extra effort. I'm not sure why. I've also found myself making more of an effort to make plans to see him, and when I get home after seeing him I'm usually unusually happy because we had fun.

He's very flirty, complimentary, etc. But as I said earlier though - he's a player. I don't think I feel anything for him, but the way I always want to look my best has me confused. I've had times where I'll say to myself that I don't like someone and then it'll hit me that I was just denying it for the fear it could be something. That was when I was afraid of having a relationship though. I thought I was past (or mostly past) that?

As I said, he's a complete player. He's made a move on me a couple of times, and I think the fact that he's a player might have me denying it to myself that I like him? I don't want to start to like him, only to find out he's got another girl or two in the wings (or that I'm the 'other woman,' either). He's very affectionate. He makes an effort in that sense (always gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, friends say he just hugs them, but I think I'm better friends than they are with him by now probably). I'm not the affectionate type so I just hug him.

I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to rant to someone. I don't know how I feel and I'm confused.

Also, please don't say I'm stringing him along or something. I'm not. He hasn't a clue how I feel, and neither do I! I'm not vocal about that sort of stuff unless I'm really, really into someone.


TLDR;
I think I like my friend who's a complete player, but I'm not sure. I could be denying it because I know he's a player or because I think we could go somewhere (have done the latter).

strobe

What makes you call him a player? The fact that he's hit on a good few women? That just means he has a penis, and the confidence to make a move on the girls he wants to make a move on (where as some other guys wouldn't have that confidence but would be making just as many miles on just as many girls if they did), not that he's a player.

Do you know that he has been playing any of these girls? Has he cheated on anyone? Anything like that?

Just sounds like your average, run of the mill, single guy to me.

pookie82

goingunregatmyah wrote: »

I hadn't met anybody I liked since last September

People often say to me "you'll find someone eventually " and the likes. I'm finding it so disheartening.

I'm 21, never had a boyfriend as I have had my fair share of issues (had an abusive parent). I'm working through them but I want to get myself out there at this stage.

These parts jumped out at me. Are you sure you're not just "deciding" to like this guy in your eagerness to meet *someone*?! Anyone????...

The only advice to give anyone in this situation is to have a chat with him at some stage to sound out how he feels about you.

If he's young and working his way around your group of friends he may not be the best "bf" material going.

There's nothing to say that enjoying his single life and scoring lots of girls means he'll be insincere if he meets someone he really likes. But I'd wonder if you're just trying to find anyone, really, to have an interest in. If you're not even sure that you like him, I'd hold back for a bit and wait until you meet someone who really knocks your socks off, and preferably hasn't been with most of your mates first.

LegacyUser

Tried to post part of this earlier from my phone but it didn't work.

My best friend said to me he had a girl one night when we were out, which is the same night he tried to bring another friend home. Heard a few instances of that (but then again, it could be all hearsay).

Pookie, tbh I'm kind of wondering that myself.

Should probably add after sleeping on it and reading over what I wrote, that the whole point of this is that I just really get the feeling he likes me (even though I made it clear long ago I didn't like him). I've had friends asking what's going on there just after five minutes with us. We both do volunteer work at a dog shelter so we see each other weekly, and have tons of mutual friends/acquaintances.

Another part of my head is wondering if he's just interested because he sees me a challenge as I was firm with him in rejecting his moves before (where as my friends were like "yeah, sure what the hell.")

Should probably add that the last guy who I liked who liked me back, was like that. He knew I wasn't going to sleep with him easy and manipulated me emotionally a lot to the point I was pretty much wrapped around his little finger. When I wouldn't agree to going back to his place a few times, he completely went cold on me each time and from that I stopped seeing him. I found out later that he already had a girlfriend (and *another* girl on the side). It really knocked me as I trusted him so much.

I feel like this is some sort of teenage drama. Jesus. I should have just left posting! I'm 21 for crying out loud!

dudara

goingunregatmyah wrote: »

Tried to post part of this earlier from my phone but it didn't work.

FYI - It did work, but because you are posting anonymously, the posts were sitting as unapproved until a moderator could review. I've left this post stand and I've deleted the three earlier attempts. In future, please wait some time to give a moderator time to review and approve.

dudara

strobe

21 is still very young (sorry if that sounds condescending, not meant to be), and considering your age, and your issues, from your childhood and the previous guy, perhaps you shouldn't be in such a rush to get into a committed relationship right now. By all means head out, have fun, meet guys, have fun with them, and if you happen to hit it off really really well with one of them and you two are right for each other and a relationship develops, all well and good. But maybe that shouldn't be your goal right at this moment.

LegacyUser

Sorry dudara. When I pressed submit, it came up with an error saying I couldn't follow the thread because I wasn't logged in, and didn't say that the post had been submit for review! It didn't redirect me either (just stayed on the page where I wrote the post), so I took it as it wasn't going through as I wasn't logged in.

strobe, I guess you're right. I'm just scared that I'll never find someone too. I know it sounds crazy because I'm fairly young and all that, but my parents had me when they were my age, and a lot of the women in my family (Mam, aunts, etc) ask why haven't I met someone, try to push me to get with friends (suggesting I date them) and ask why I haven't got a boyfriend when more of my friends are men than women. They've been asking for a few years am I gay (and they're dead serious about it), and tell me it's okay if I am. Then I feel like I just haven't got time on my side and everything. I just don't know.

LadyAthame

Strobe said.
'Just sounds like your average, run of the mill, single guy to me.'

Some people are not looking for an average single guy they are looking for a special guy. Just like some guys are looking for a special girl. Or at least someone special to them rather. And someone who sees how special they are or at least is special to them.

OP You are approaching this from a sense of need and low self esteem and that is not good.

Ask yourself not if you like him but will he hurt you? Will he be able for a loving relationship? Will he be good and healthy for you?

If you are jumping on him just because you feel no one else is around that is not fair to you nor is it flattering to him.

'As I said, he's a complete player.' ' He's a complete player and a charmer.'

You keep saying this over and over. It's standing out in your mind. It seems you have deep misgivings.
Strobe said.
'Just sounds like your average, run of the mill, single guy to me.'
__________________

Each to their own though. It's not a moral judgement or anything. You have to go with someone you feel comfortable with. He could be trustworthy he might not be. But it is a sign that he takes relationships a little more light hearted than some other people might. We are all wired differently. A casual approach to relationships and sex can be treacherous for some women and not for others, that's all. Some people are more sensitive to it. Maybe she is not looking for an average guy but a special guy. That is not to say he will not be special for someone at all. I hope I'm explaining well.

Personally I would not like to be with someone who had kissed some of my friends. That is my preference.

I do realize though that a lot depends on character.

Some people can do casual relationships and some can't.

Op try not to worry so. I think you might have some self esteem issues to be so worried.

Being a player if you don't hurt anyone is fine. But it's fine for some and not for others.

strobe

goingunregatmyah wrote: »

strobe, I guess you're right. I'm just scared that I'll never find someone too. I know it sounds crazy because I'm fairly young and all that, but my parents had me when they were my age, and a lot of the women in my family (Mam, aunts, etc) ask why haven't I met someone, try to push me to get with friends (suggesting I date them) and ask why I haven't got a boyfriend when more of my friends are men than women. They've been asking for a few years am I gay (and they're dead serious about it), and tell me it's okay if I am. Then I feel like I just haven't got time on my side and everything. I just don't know.

Ah here, don't be minding that ****e now. I'm sure they don't mean any harm really but they're from another generation. When they were your age it was not at all uncommon to meet a guy at 20, married by 21and bang out your first kid before you turned 22. It's a different world, their experience just doesn't apply.

Honestly if I could give one piece of advice to myself at your age, or anyone else for that matter, it'd be don't go out looking to get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. It'll just mean getting into one with someone you don't really like that much, and that will always end badly. It'll also mean you'll be far more likely to stay in a relationship you're not happy in, or where you aren't being treated as you should be. It's also not very fair on the other person.

It should always be the case that you meet a specific guy you're crazy about and that's crazy about you, and therefore you want to be in a relationship specifically with each other. These are the good relationships, and the only ones with a hope of lasting and you being happy in long term.

Look pretty much everybody, everywhere feels the same as you before they have their first relationship. That 'holy crap, what if it never happens?' feeling. But at 21 you're only really getting to the age now where the opportunity to meet guys where a proper relationship being on the cards start presenting themselves in a real way. Before that, a huge number of the relationships people get into are based in a large part on that whole 'I just want to be in a relationship, as it hasn't happened yet, so this person will do' kinda thinking. And there are exceptions, but they rarely go anywhere. So, really don't think anything of the fact it hasn't happened before this point.

Men aren't in short supply. We're everywhere. Like rats. The world's not going to run out of supply any time soon. There's nothing wrong with, and in your 20,s definitely no risk in, taking your time to meet one you really, really like, and really really want to be I'm a relationship specifically because of them being them.

IlmoNT4

For what its worth what jumped out at me from your post is that you had an abusive parent which can often have a legacy of low self esteem. You are very young OP and if you have been abused, it would be a good time to go and work on yourself so you dont end up with the wrong people. Often abused people are attracted to people that remind them of their abusers or they try and recreate the same emotional place they were raised in.

I would go to therapy and work through that and your shyness.... once your self esteem is up and running you'll naturally gravitate towards people who you like and who wouldnt abuse you.

I think you have concerns about this guy, so let him off.... My advice for any 21 year old is to stay single and enjoy your life, go traveling, do the college thing and stay out of heavy duty relationships. If sleeping around isnt your thing, then dont do it. If you dont want to be with someone who sleeps around, then dont be. At your age its all ahead of you. Don't waste time on things and people who will make you unhappy. When it comes to people and things happening, if it doesnt make your day, then its not for you.