think my relationship is over

LegacyUser

Hi ladies
wanted to post this here rather than in RI, and going anon for obvious reasons

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years. In a lot of ways, he's amazing, and we have also ben through a lot together. I am moving abroad for work, and though it is only an hour on a plain from Ireland to where I'll be working, he refuses to move with me, even though he currently has no job.
This is what's made me see that our lives are moving in different directions, there are other reasons for me thinking of ending it, such as his parents early tolerating me, and me not feeling important at times. Despite us living together for 4 years, there is no talk of marriage, he says he doesn't believe in it, but will do it some day, because he knows i'd like it. Am I wrong to want him to marry me because he loves me and not because he knows I want it?
I feel like I've already checked out of the relationship mentally, though part of me would love to give us a try and see how we go when I move away. I just can't help feeling and wondering is there someone better out there for both of us? I thought we would always be together, as I love him so much and can't believe it has come to this. I can't believe I feel this way.
Any advice would be really great, or even anyone who has ever been in and come through a similar situation?
Thanks

dee_mc

Do you actually think he doesn't love you? Because I would have thought if a person who didn't believe in marriage said that they would marry their partner because it was what their partner wanted, that they were basically saying they loved her enough to do it for her? Just a thought.
Re not moving with you, has he elderly parents, or kids from a previous relationship, or some other strong tie to Ireland that might justify his reluctance/refusal to leave the country? I'd see his refusal to go with you as a deal breaker otherwise.

Carlos Orange

Did you discuss moving to another country before you accepted the job?

seventeen sheep

I think it's a huge ask to expect someone to move countries to suit you. Even if it is only an hour away on a plane (make that at least half a day each way, taking into consideration being on time for check in for the flight etc.)

LegacyUser

Hi
Just to answer some questions
Firstly, I know he loves me yeah, course I do. I just wish he wanted to marry me because he wanted to do it, not just because it's what I want.
There are no kids or anything like that, as far as I see it, it could be an opportunity for him to find employment as well, but for no reason other than he doesn't want to, he is not coming, says he doesn't know if he ever will. He knew I had applied for the job, but because I'd applied for so many, and due to the fact that we'd gotten so comfortable together, I think he thought I would never go, that I wouldn't be able to leave him, so what if i get the job wasn't really a conversation that was had. Now i'm going, and tbh I can't promise him either way if I will come back after some time there, because I don't know. Like I say there are other factors at play here as well.
Thanks for replies.

Meauldsegosha

feelcrap wrote: »

Despite us living together for 4 years, there is no talk of marriage, he says he doesn't believe in it, but will do it some day, because he knows i'd like it. Am I wrong to want him to marry me because he loves me and not because he knows I want it?

Feelcrap wrote: »

I just wish he wanted to marry me because he wanted to do it, not just because it's what I want.

Do you listen to your partner and what he wants? He doesn't believe in marriage but he is willing to go through the ceremony for you and you still don't seem happy about that.

Stavro Mueller

Did you discuss this with him before you applied for the job? Or indeed, when you accepted it? Moving to the UK(?) for work might not be a big deal to you but it obviously is for him. Just because he isn't working doesn't mean you can call the shots on this. I can understand why he wouldn't want to move. For starters the dole over there is less than it is here. Maybe he's a home bird who doesn't want to live abroad, he might not want to be away from his family and friends.

Why would his parents barely tolerating you be an issue? These things happen and couples can get over it. It usually involves not living near them and having a supportive partner though.

I'm wondering are your thoughts on the marriage or lack of a reflection of other doubts you may be having? I'd keep an open mind about what he has to say about it though. Maybe he genuinely doesn't believe in marriage but is happy to go ahead with it for your sake. (As an aside, once you co-habitate for a few years, you're as good as married in the eyes of the law). On the other hand, he might be just saying it to keep you sweet and has no intention of ever tying the knot.

I feel like I've already checked out of the relationship mentally, though part of me would love to give us a try and see how we go when I move away. I just can't help feeling and wondering is there someone better out there for both of us?

There's more to you wanting to move than this job, isn't there? Are there problems in your relationship here that you think will go away if you both moved abroad? Despite what you're saying here about loving him, you also seem to have doubts. That last line seems to be undoing everything else you've written. Why is it that you feel that there's someone better out there for both of you?

LegacyUser

Hi all
OP here.
Thanks for all replies.
I have done a lot of thinking and talked to my partner and happy to say we are definitely going to try and see how it goes. I realise that I am selfish expecting him to move countries for me, and that plenty of people have done the long distance thing so hopefully we will be able to make it work. I know I have some work on myself to do as well, as I know sometimes I have a bit of a victim mentality which isn't fair to my partner or anyone, and as this is something I don't want to take forward I think I will try seek some professional help.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time

ABajaninCork

OP. I think you're right. From what you've written, I think your relationship is dead in the water. It's nobody's fault, but I think you've just outgrown each other, and want different things. You're moving away for work and new experiences. He wants to stay here. Nothing wrong with either choice.

I'd tell your partner as quickly as possible, if that's what you want. Then look forward to the next chapter of your life.

Minderbinder

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Do you listen to your partner and what he wants? He doesn't believe in marriage but he is willing to go through the ceremony for you and you still don't seem happy about that.

But what kind of attitude is that? The least he could do is feign enthusiasm like most other men. It's her dream day and he's basically pissing all over it. And when men say they 'don't believe in marriage' that generally means they don't want to get tied down to one woman. He's a child and afraid to commit. He's even afraid to go to the UK for crying out loud. He couldn't even try going for a few weeks? What a waster!

OP I'm sorry but unless he changes his mind closer to the time (which is possible) then forget about him. If he let's you get on that plane alone, he doesn't love you.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, am I right in saying this isn't your first, or even second or third post about your relationship? Some of the details seem very familiar.

You need to consider if you actually want to be in this relationship, or if you just want to be in a relationship.

I feel like I've already checked out of the relationship mentally

If that's how you feel, and if that is how you have been feeling for a number of months then you are not being fair on him by dragging this on. Why would you want to marry someone who you're not completely happy with? Do you think being married is going to make everything different? Your life/worries etc will all still be there. And you will have added a marriage that makes it more difficult to leave a relationship if you figure out that it's not really what you want.

Often when a person finally ends a relationship it has been building up for months. Thinking about it. Rethinking. Wondering what you can do differently/what he can do differently. Trying to "put up with it" because you are used to the relationship and don't want to go in to the unknown of being without him etc. You have been thinking all these things for quite a while now.

I really think you need to be completely honest with yourself first, and then him.

ShaShaBear

To be honest, it sounds more like you don't really want to be in this relationship any more. Checking out mentally, not even sure if you'd move back (so, it's not cool for him to refuse to move with you, but it is totally alright for you to refuse to move back to him?) - it all sounds very like you want to have your cake and eat it too. If a man is willing to do something he is against to make you happy, that is love. You want him to go the extra mile and actually ENJOY doing something he is against to make you happy?

Big Bag of Chips

Just on another note, OP, all the things you have said in this thread - mentally checking out of the relationship, the title "Think my relationship is over", etc it's all negative language. Turn it around. Would you be happy being in a relationship where you partner thought/said those things about their relationship with you?

It's not nice and it sounds like you are looking for someone to say that you should end it.

I think you should end it. Not because of your bf or any perceived "faults" you think he has, but because you're not fully committed to the relationship anymore. If you were then you wouldn't have so many threads listing out the so many reasons why you "think your relationship is over".

LegacyUser

Hi again

big bag of chips, you are right, I absolutely would not like it if anyone thought that stuff about me, and know that I have been wrong to be so selfish and self centred even.
I really would like to try one last time before just throwing away 7 years, so hopefully with a change in attitude I can look at things differently.
I have read other replies as well and appreciate all points of view.

zeffabelli

lot of thinking done wrote: »

Hi all
OP here.
Thanks for all replies.
I have done a lot of thinking and talked to my partner and happy to say we are definitely going to try and see how it goes. I realise that I am selfish expecting him to move countries for me, and that plenty of people have done the long distance thing so hopefully we will be able to make it work. I know I have some work on myself to do as well, as I know sometimes I have a bit of a victim mentality which isn't fair to my partner or anyone, and as this is something I don't want to take forward I think I will try seek some professional help.
Thanks again to everyone for taking the time

Thing is....he didn't agree to a long distance relationship either. You are revolutionising things...you know that right?

whatdoicare

He sounds like hes checked out himself tbh
Why wouldn't he move to be with you, he has no job so no reason to stay, its only the UK not China! If he has no job he should be jumping at the chance to travel and maybe find new opportunities!

The marriage thing would be a relationship ender for me, either he wants to be married or he doesn't. Marriage isn't a fictional story, you cant decide you don't "believe" in it, you get married for romantic reasons but also for practical legal reasons (like next of kin, fathers rights etc) dangling the whole "oh, I might get married someday just to please you" line is a load of guilt tripping bs ie "You cant leave me, I've given you a vague commitment that may or may not happen".
Does he believe in children too?

His family also sound like an absolute thrill to be around, Id run a mile if that was me! I know people can get through in law problems but if you can avoid it, do. Life is hard enough without dealing with that nonsense. Hed want to be a very special man to put yourself through that but looks like he isn't, so don't bother.

My advice, drop him, go to your new job in the UK and have an amazing life! Why tie a dead weight around your neck just for the sake of it?

Stavro Mueller

Why is your partner unemployed? If he's not actively job hunting and genuinely wants to work, that would be a deal breaker in my book.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly it really seems like you're doing what a lot of 'go-getters' do and impose your own narrative on the situation, regardless of facts. By that I mean, if you really discussed this job opportunity at length, then you'd have known and been prepared for him not going with you. I think more than anything you're looking for a change, you don't like his family not liking you, you don't like that he won't move with you, you've checked out mentally from the relationship. It's almost like you resent him for not being the person you expect him to be, and in some unconscious way you blame him for his family's attitude towards you. It's good that you're getting help, but really it just seems like you're unhappy in the current situation and want to go abroad to get away from it. Let's face it, you talked vaguely about job opportunities for him, but did you even search for some that he might be able to do? Because that's kind of on you, because of you want to go abroad, shouldn't you bring some incentive to your partner to go?

As for the marriage thing: he doesn't believe in marriage, but he'd do it for the security, this isn't unusual. In fact, it's practical. It actually shows that he loves you enough to go through with something he doesn't necessarily believe in for a secure life with you. He loves you enough to do it, just because he doesn't share your outlook doesn't mean that it isn't done out of total love and devotion.