Advice on anxiety

marklynch065

Hi guys I'm completely new to this! Just looking for some advice on an issue. I'm trying my best to over come my social anxiety. It's something I've been dealing with for years now and I would love to feel more confident in myself. On the surface I may appear confident at times but other times I imagine I'm awkward. I really beat myself up over it. I try to be positive and make a point of being nice to people. I was bullied all throughout school and as a result I became shy and reserved despite the fact that I think I'm bubbly and outgoing at heart.
I know my social anxiety arose from all the years of bullying. I'm 25 now and I have good friends/ social life but still lack self esteem. I've had occasions when I'm out and about and fear people are judging me. I know it's ridiculous but ny natural inclination now is to assume others are mocking me.
I dress well and have been told I'm goodlooking and always try to present myself well in public but I have noticed on occasions people laughing in my direction. I've also gotten dirty looks off complete strangers for no apparent reason, this is rare tho.
Every day I try to challenge myself in overcoming my anxiety but last night I was in a pub waiting for some friends to arrive and was texting one of them all of a sudden some drunkin idiot pretended to grab my phone from me and said "I wouldn't bother" then walked back to his mates laughing. I've no idea what he meant by that remark perhaps he saw me standing alone and thought I was being stood up I pretended not to hear him but the whole thing sent me into a spiral of anxiety.
Has anyone here ever had experiences with social anxiety? If you have any tips on how to handle it please let me know. Thanks

Valmont

You may get a better response to this post in the personal issues forum. I do know that cognitive behavioural therapy is a popular way of gradually decreasing your social anxiety and there are a lot of books out there that can get you started. I think the idea is to tackle the automatic negative thoughts you have while out and about. When this fellow said 'I wouldn't bother' and you started worrying about what he meant, a 'CBT' approach would have you noticing the beginning of the self-doubting thoughts and learning to swap them for something else or put them out of your head entirely. That's only one way of many though!

marklynch065

Hey thanks a million for your response. Ya I think its definately my automatic thinking regarding social situations. I have good days and bad days but when you encounter idiots like that it knocks you a bit. I honestly believe that anyone that goes out of their way to mock/ridicule others is weak/insecure themselves so it helps me to put it into a perspective. Thanks

Torakx

I had the same issues and still have them to varying degrees, when I remember to be anxious.
Edit: long story, cut short, I learned tohabitually remember, that I remember to be anxious when I am feeling anxious. Because of my new philosophy, I am the master of my experiences, so then decide not to feel anxious.
The rest of the post explains why.

As mentioned above, there are lots of different ways to go about changing our perception of things.
In my journey looking for a way to overcome social anxiety, I have found that adopting a new philosophy was the strongest mechanism for change, for me anyway.
When I started researching psychology and NLP, I started to get more familiar with who I am(psychology) and how I function(NLP).
When I hit on philosophy, I learned how to think in such a way, that I detach emotion and apply logical thinking to whatever I am thinking about.
Which helps me decide on how I want to feel, instead of just feeling.


What brought all this together, was adopting a new way of thinking, a philosophy for MY life(a bit like using CBT on myself), that allowed me to accept myself and eveyone else.
When I run up against people who are abrasive, abusive etc, I do feel like I am standing on a hill looking down at those, who seem to be acting like scared children, or maybe are just playful. And that feeling is one of knowing something about myself. That I fully accept my life and perception, as acceptable and legitimate. If I keep to my philosophy, I feel I can't really be in the wrong. I have respecting others high on my list
This gives me confidence to be who I am and want to be.
It helps me to let go of irrational thinking. Because when I am knowing I am the center of my experience, I don't have any social fears(so I can think clearer and be myself), relating to judgement(people judging me). That no longer applies to me. I can't be judged socially..
As a bonus, because I am now acceptable(now, only because I see it), I can laugh at other peoples perceptions of me. I can't really be hurt that easy. Especially a stranger who doesn't know me. I would normally smile, genuinely amused and curious, what was the game? Is there a good joke there? They are in my experience, as much as I am in theirs.

This is the terrirtory the animals are master of. Body language and power shifts in the unconscious(humans are unconscious of it for the most part).
They don't get bogged down as much as people when it comes to judgement and irrational thoughts socially speaking.

If you take the example of that guy joking with you in the pub.
The old me, might have been more focussed on that afterwards.Thinking about myself, what issues i might of thought I had.

Now I would consider myself to be the most important person in the room, to me.
Everyone is equally important, but from my "camera view" in this strange world, I am the one experiencing, I will die when me experience is over and so, I am the most important from an individual perspective. The Queen of England could walk in the door and would get a nod maybe. LOL

The guy making that joke, doesn't know me, so it is not personal.
Which means I am not phased in the least. And would probably throw in a joke as well, because I would be relaxed enough to think naturally, instead of the old me, where I would be worried about things that don't apply to my new philosophy. Worried that others are better than me, that I am ranked or classed as something.

I think CBT is one of the best ways to overcome these issues.
For me, I am happy that I went through the journey of discovering these things for myself. I think I live it more deeply and it makes me more grounded. Having a philosophy that accepts everything as it is, seems like a great way to adjust the foundations our past memories and fears are based on.
I do believe that CBT spawned from philosophy in many respects, so I may just be writting a piece highlighting why CBT can be useful

I still get anxiety when thinking ahead of going to places. But I also remember, that anxiety is based on the past and not on the future, which for the most part I can't see into.
When I go to places like that, I switch off the anxiety and live in the moment.
It took a few years of reprogramming my mind, but I am so happy I did.
Either way, you will need to train your unconscious mind, to know certain things through habitual thinking.
For me it was philosophical thinking.
Others might put reminders on doors and fridges, sing mantras.
I would even say learning how to train dogs, would teach nearly all you need to know about dealing with people and your own social anxiety.
Our primal instincts play out everyday, in everyday interactions.
Dogs show a lot of these base traits and are more expressive if you learn how to understand their bodylanguage.
I'm giving this example,because the same body language principles apply to human behaviour.
When you can master dogs, aggressive and nervous, you can handle yourself and others as well.
I could go on with other ways to change your ethos/philosophy/perspective, but I wrote too much already!
You will get there I am sure. You have already started research.

Enjoy a journey of self discovery I would say. You will look back later and smile at your past fears and be thankful you had them.... if you are wise

marklynch065

Hi Thanks a million for your reply. I really appreciate it. I can definately see how when you view things differently it can change your reaction to things. My biggest issue is on how others (strangers, old school friends) view me. I've changed a lot since school but I still worry that others still view me as the shy guy. Not that I'm saying there is anything wrong with being shy I just don't want to always have the reputation as the bullied kid at school. Hopefully I'll get to the point when I'm less concerned by others opinions of me. Thank you

Torakx

People used to see me as quiet and shy. Now they are more likely to see me as quiet and confident.
I learned that from living around animals. Having to remember that I need to own my space physically and mentally. Only then will the dog respect me.
People act the same way. They will try dominate space, social agression, playfull(hunting practice for animals), follow the pack etc etc.
Males and females react differently to different stances and powerplays in body language. I'm not sure if i am tlaking about the dogs or the people now All the same...

You will get there anyway. Can't go wrong once you start getting interested in discovery. You have already won, if you decide you can work on it.
It's just waiting for that unconscious mind to adjust it's perspective. That filter it has up, is stained with misconceptions and "glasses half empty".

Out of curiosity. With a group, you either go through the door first or more likely last?

JuliusCaesar

socialanxietyireland.com has lots of information.

Has anyone here ever had experiences with social anxiety? If you have any tips on how to handle it please let me know. Thanks

In the meantime, have a read of our Charter, and I will move this thread to the Phobias forum, where you will get more answers to your question, rather than the psychological point of view.





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marklynch065

It wouldn't bother me so much if I entered first or last. I feel confident in some ways and not in others. Its more to do with how I'm coming across socially ya kno.

Torakx

I think I know what you mean.
A lot of the time I am overly aware of other peoples reactions to things.
I can easily get into a spiral of thinking, where my wondering if I am seeming nervous, goes in a loop, because i think I must appear nervous, now that I have focussed on it, and it can spiral into even more nervousness and blushing.
That is the thing I learned to break, that habit of thought. To realize in the middle of it happening, that I am acting and feeling this stuff, all because of my own thoughts about how I am viewed by others.

That door question I asked was a bit vague. I was just thinking about personality types at the time. Natural leaders usually go first or last, with animals and people. And if you happen to be a leader in disguise (quiet and waiting for all to leave before you go, or letting all through the door first), it would be one more new thing to discover about yourself that can be used as a positive motivator.
If you can find all those things you think are flaws in yourself and start to rethink what they give you or cause you to do that can be positive.
A sort of pros list instead of a cons list. You will find that after a while, you will begin to take your own observations to heart.
I have a gap in my teeth that I used to find very embarrassing, as an example. The pro side is that I have a crooked smile that adds character
Especially when I am relaxed in company.
Being forced to deal with that phobia has made me very strong when it comes to reigning in my paranoia and self esteem.
This issue you have, I see as an opportunity that many will never get in their lives. An opportunity to be forced to take control and strengthen your will. When you come out the other end, you will be standing on mountain.
I wanted to add some funny masters of the universe symbolism in there, but I'm too tired :P
All the best anyway. feel free to message me if you are curious about some of the topics I found most helpful for dealing with my anxiety.
A lot of it at the beginning was learning how I functioned. The later stage, building a new way to function.
My anxiety was social and related to illness(nervous system), so I had a double whammy
But a better opportunity again to improve..
I almost thank the person that knocks me down a peg, they make me stronger when I can get back up.

househero

Go to the gym, take regular exercise, eat (really really) healthy, get good sleep and magically your body treats your brain better. You are better balanced more able to handle crap and above all quit drinking as it makes you paranoid like almost every other drug. I'm betting you don't (know how to) look after yourself.

If you treat your body like sht, your body treats you like sht.

Ctrl Alt Delete

Just to offer an alternative viewpoint (prob not as empowering of a story though). Behavioural therapy never worked for me but I have come to deal with my anxiety through medication.

I have a prescription for 25mg of Quetex and it works great for me, some days I wont take it at all and can go out and spend all day outside, interacting with people without feeling an ounce of anxiety. Other days I take just 1, other days I'll take 4 throughout the day.

For me though whats important is that while I cannot deal with my anxiety without medication, the tablets have empowered me to be able to deal with it and manage it in a way that I can function normally.

bigtomm

marklynch065 wrote: »

Hi guys I'm completely new to this! Just looking for some advice on an issue. I'm trying my best to over come my social anxiety. It's something I've been dealing with for years now and I would love to feel more confident in myself. On the surface I may appear confident at times but other times I imagine I'm awkward. I really beat myself up over it. I try to be positive and make a point of being nice to people. I was bullied all throughout school and as a result I became shy and reserved despite the fact that I think I'm bubbly and outgoing at heart.
I know my social anxiety arose from all the years of bullying. I'm 25 now and I have good friends/ social life but still lack self esteem. I've had occasions when I'm out and about and fear people are judging me. I know it's ridiculous but ny natural inclination now is to assume others are mocking me.
I dress well and have been told I'm goodlooking and always try to present myself well in public but I have noticed on occasions people laughing in my direction. I've also gotten dirty looks off complete strangers for no apparent reason, this is rare tho.
Every day I try to challenge myself in overcoming my anxiety but last night I was in a pub waiting for some friends to arrive and was texting one of them all of a sudden some drunkin idiot pretended to grab my phone from me and said "I wouldn't bother" then walked back to his mates laughing. I've no idea what he meant by that remark perhaps he saw me standing alone and thought I was being stood up I pretended not to hear him but the whole thing sent me into a spiral of anxiety.
Has anyone here ever had experiences with social anxiety? If you have any tips on how to handle it please let me know. Thanks

I havent got to reading the responses yet.....but, this is a great start...openness seems to be a huge part of anxietys shadows...
i thought you wrote a piece from your heart, though whatever that guy in the pub said, will only make sense to you until you wanna shake it off for what it was..nonsense

Have you ever thought of starting a blog?
it can be just for yourself and dont worry about readers..you can even lock it privately..
but it seems easier to spot the areas in your life when you write about them..
this is an all too important topic that ppl like you/me and all the you/me's that are bringing it to light are taking responsibility for basically the "unsaid" in my opinion....thank you for bringing light to it! we can be in the same boat at times

marklynch065

Thanks again for your advice. Ya its frustrating at times because I know my natural personality is to be bubbly. Great to hear others experiences. You seem to be doing very well yourself. I'd say its more common of an issue than many would think. Thanks again

marklynch065

Hi thanks for your response. Theres probably some truth in what your saying but i don't treat myself like ****. Social anxiety for me came about from relentless bullying its quite hard to shake away the effects of that with diet alone.

marklynch065

Hey thanks for your reply. Its great you managed to get control over your anxiety. I'm defo going to look at the behaviour approach. I can function quite well normally and many probably don't even think I'm anxious but it can be draining. Did you try your behaviour approach for long?

whodatwhodat

Hi OP

I stumbled across your post today and decided to sign up with an account so I could reply to you.

You pretty much just described me and my situation. I'm a 25 year old guy with a good job, good income, not bad looking, great friends and a steady relationship. One issue though I get pretty bad social anxiety.

The anxiety can crop up when walking to the shop for a pint of milk or when waiting on a bus. It can happen in the middle of a meeting at work or can even hit me when i'm lying in bed at night.

When I walk down the street i'm mostly at a heightened awareness of my surroundings (are those group of lads laughing at me, why did that woman look at me funny, do i look weird, etc). It's emotionally draining most of the time.

For me, the reason is the same as you. I was incessantly bullied in school. Before and even during my school years I would happily be the first to talk in a group or present in front of the class... and even though I haven't a note in my head I used to sing in front of people. I didn't seem to mind what people thought of me or how I was portraying myself. People say it's part of growing up when you're more aware of how you look to people but I know my heightened awareness is certainly not what most adults experience.

The good news is that I'm doing something about it. I initially went to speak to my doctor about this but found that he didn't seem to understand what I was going through. I've since been to another GP who understood me completely and advised me that many guys my age and with my profile go through the same thing. He has advised me that my first port of call is seeing a psychologist for CBT. This is something I am starting from next week.

Perhaps this is something we can get through together. Good luck!

marklynch065

Hi thanks for your reply. Definately helps to talk about it good to hear others experiences. It can sometimes feel like everyone is functioning perfectly when in truth we all probably stuggle with these anxieties to varying degrees. I guess we have got to keep pushing ourselves easier said than done tho I know. Thanks for your advice

marklynch065

Hi thanks for your reply. We very similar stories. Its so frustrating when in public and feeling like your center of attention. Its ridiculous I know but its just an automatic response I guess. I find myself checking myself constantly. Most definately I feel its something that can be beaten but I feel support is needed. You so lucky to be beginning your treatment congratulations. I may do something similar myself. Social anxiety prevents us from reaching our full potential in life. Theres a very good book called feel the fear and do it anyway that helped me a bit. Heres to hoping we get over our anxieties. Best of luck

Torakx

I'm not sure if you mean me or not.
If so, I noticed changes happen gradually and more frequently as I discovered more ideas and ways of thinking differently.
I would guess about a year of philosophy at most, just reading a bit here and there during the evening or maybe while having a coffee out in town.

In that time, I had taken on board a lot of what I read and began to change my view of reality.
My signature on each post, is a constant reminder that I need to be flexible and patient, with myself, others, everything.
Similar phrases to this, struck a cord with me and I took them on board and tend to try live by these new concepts that I feel are right for me.

The key for me in the last few months has been to constantly apply duality to positive and negative moments or thoughts.
If someone complains about a negative expereince, I willautomatically search the positive version, almost like a game now. Can I find the positive side.
This way I now choose which version of each scenario I want to live with.
So I guess if reading into philsophy, I would reccomend reading about duality and in psychology or NLP, reading about attachment.

allthedoyles

healthy eating and natural food supplements like chia bia seeds etc