Bossy SIL. Move on?

LegacyUser

Long term contributer to this forum. First time starting a thread (I think).

My husband has a milestone birthday coming in May. He has been adamant all along he wants to keep it low key, just a meal with his family and a weekend away ourselves. To make it more special, and as we have a landmark anniversary coming up also, I've booked 4 days away in a couple of cities. He will be thrilled!

We are not loaded. A lot of outgoings, two kids, and I went back to study and changed career a few years ago, so I am not earning a full wage yet, but getting there.

His sister (who is generally a loving person, but the boss in his family) set up a family what's app group this week (most of the siblings and spouses) to suggest a weekend away in May or early June in a European capital city where his other sister lives. That sister wasn't included as they wanted to firm up arrangements and then see if she was going to be in town.

We simply have too much expense coming up to do this (a conference in the UK and competing in a sporting event in the UK at our own expense soon) and it would not be a cheap weekend. It's also way too short notice. We politely declined and hoped they all had fun!

Next message said 'oh come on. It would be a lovely present for someone with a birthday in May'. I was a little surprised but my husband reiterated that all our holidays were planned and that it just wasn't doable.

Then came this: 'Poor xxxxxxxx. She has lived in xxxxxxxx for 7 years and you haven't visited her once. How many times has she stayed with you in that period? More than once I'm guessing. Poor xxxxxxxx'.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. This was said to the whole group of 8 people. If it was a member of my family I would have lost the plot. My family have things out, apologise and get over it. His family are the complete opposite. They never say anything to each other and any small thing is a big deal.

I replied with a firm 'seriously, we can't go, and that's that' and I left the group in case I was tempted to say more. My husband thinks I am reading too much into it, but I am pretty outraged still, a week later.

I'm finding it hard to let this go. I'm so furious with her for chastising us in front of the whole family for not visiting his sibling, for not thinking about the massive wealth disparity between us and them and reading between the lines of why we can't go, for not contacting me to see if I have something planned for his birthday instead of backing me into a corner and nearly forcing me to spell it out.

We will be spending a few days in each other's company at Easter at his parent's home and I am going to find it hard to bite my tongue. I suppose I am wondering what others would do. Would you just move on or should she be told (despite potential for a family meltdown) that she overstepped the mark big time.

Shrap

Anon2day wrote: »

I'm finding it hard to let this go. I'm so furious with her for chastising us in front of the whole family for not visiting his sibling, for not thinking about the massive wealth disparity between us and them and reading between the lines of why we can't go, for not contacting me to see if I have something planned for his birthday instead of backing me into a corner and nearly forcing me to spell it out.

Hmm. If it's any help to you, I think I'd feel equally as upset. I would probably message her privately, or phone her (if you think you can keep your temper) to say to her that you found that really awkward and you feel that if she has something like that to say to you, then she might in future say it in private.

I'd also say that you have saved for and booked a short break for you and her brother as a surprise, and that's why you a) can't afford to go anywhere else, b) can't explain why not in public on the family chat thing, and c) that her brother has insisted on having a quiet birthday. I'd also say that you're sure the other sister will understand, but that when this meet up with her is arranged, you'll contact her and explain this to make sure there's no hard feelings (this will indicate to the pushy sister that actually, it's none of her business).

Then say that this message is to clear the air between you, as you've been quite upset that she seems to think you're being selfish.

Well, that's what I'd do anyway, but you're the best judge of how well that'll go down with pushy sister. If you do message her, make sure you write it and don't send it. Then come back to it later and take out any passive aggressive stuff that might have sneaked in, and rewrite to make it as light/fluffy/diplomatic as is humanly possible! Maybe do that twice, then send!

Ps. I know the feeling. My own SIL is quite the career woman and she used to view me as the no-hoper black sheep till I stood up to her.

Tigger99

I wouldn't tell the sil about the surprise holiday as I wouldn't trust her not to say it to your husband.

I really think talking to her about it won't go well. She's not your sister and will likely be more defensive. Her message about not visiting the sister wss so tactless and insensitive that I doubt she has the cop on to listen to you. Honestly I think her comment just reflects badly on her and makes her look petty.

Perhaps if it is raised by her, I'd say, "oh my goodness I was so surprised at your message, especially to that many people. I cringed to be honest." All said with a bit wide smile. Kill her with kindness because I think anything else will just backfire.

Yeah I think if you try to approach her privately she'll still gossip and drag everyone else into it for an audience.
I would keep my mouth shut and ignore her. If you can anyway

Shrap

Tigger99 wrote: »

Perhaps if it is raised by her, I'd say, "oh my goodness I was so surprised at your message, especially to that many people. I cringed to be honest." All said with a bit wide smile. Kill her with kindness because I think anything else will just backfire.

Actually yeah, that's a much better suggestion. Looking back on my post, I clearly don't take my own advice about passive aggression! Perhaps I'm not as over my own sensitivities about my SIL's comments as I thought!

bee06

I'd leave your husband deal with it. It's his sister and every families dynamics are strange to an outsider. I know my husband finds how my family related to each other weird and vise versa.

ABajaninCork

I feel your pain, OP. I'd be blanking her now. You've said what needed to be said, and have left the WA group. If she can't understand simple English, then that's her problem and not yours...

Leave it at that!

LegacyUser

Op as you have left the group just ignore her, don't cause a fuss. What she said in that message actually made me cringe, she's no tact and sometimes with people like her the easiest option is to say nothing, because if you end up confronting her then she will probably make a scene and turn it into a big thing. Then you have everyone taking sides etc. At Easter sweet talk her but remain firm and calm about your decision of not going away on this trip.

skallywag

This person is being pushy and playing the guilt card in order to get her own way, but I don't really see anything in it that would get me overly annoyed. Most families tend to have such a character.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the variety of responses everyone! I'll cherry pick from them all. I have imagined many passive aggressive approaches in my head, but thankfully they remained there!

Think I'll stay quiet for now but if she brings it up at Easter I will answer along the lines of the suggestion by Tigger. Keep it light but firm also.

Feel better for sharing!