Where to start

LegacyUser

I have 3 children a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship and twin boys who just turned two. My bf of 7 years is completely overwellemd by the twins. I think he may also suffer deprecion. For the last two years I have tried what I could so he would see the joy in his family. But he hates it. I have tried so hard and done the majority of work involved. He does a lot too, don't get me wrong. But I just can't any more. It's like he is his own worst enemy. He smokes weed. When he's got his smoke even if only in the evening he's fine and lovely and even happy but when not he's moody, cold and unhappy. He's dragging me down. I am not enjoying my children as much as I could . I love him dearly but his love seems conditional and maybe even fake as it depends on a high. I don't know what I am asking or what to do. My life and with it my lovely family is falling apart.

Rubberchikken

you need to decide what is best for you and the children.it sounds like you're doing the work so would being a single parent be any harder? that's a decision only you can come to.

if he wants to do something to turn this around, he should start by talking to a gp and go from there.
good luck

Stavro Mueller

He needs to kick that weed habit of his for starters. I don't care what anyone says about it being non harmful and better than alcohol. It sounds like it is a real problem for him. Also, what use is he as a parent if he's spending his evenings stoned? If he is suffering from depression, there may be a connection between his habit and his moods. Really, your first port of call should be to get him to his GP. If he won't go, then you may need to take some hard decisions.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your replies. I don't know how I would manage financially and time wise without him. We both work full time and he does all the drop offs to the child minder. It's the on off thing that bothers me most. He's kicked it before and while it was tough he managed. However now he occasionally smokes for maybe a week and then stops and that's where it gets ugly with him being cold and mean after being off it for a day or two. He doesn't smoke heavy any more ever really. I have asked him to see a GP but he won't. He seems to just want to feel sorry for himself. I honestly believe that I may have to end this but I have tried to talk about that and he just will not engage. Why can he not love us without weed.

Stavro Mueller

That's the nature of the beast unfortunately. Maybe it would be worth contacting your GP yourself and getting advice as to where to go next. Maybe he/she can give you some advice. Ultimately though, your boyfriend is the one who has to want to give up smoking pot. Drug use can turn people into incredibly selfish beings.

Abruptly stopping or no longer using marijuana after a prolonged phase of marijuana use can lead to the following withdrawal symptoms:

Irritability
Insomnia
Poor appetite
Anxiety
Depression
Agitation
Cravings
Mood swings

http://www.addictions.com/marijuana/

ABajaninCork

I've seen what weed does to people. And it's not pretty. You see - a relative of mine once said : 'Weed agrees with some people. Other people - it would send them mad, as the body doesn't agree with it'. That's something I'd 100% agree with.

Can you try to talk to him again? Choose a time when it's less stressful for you both. Tell him straight, either he gets help or he stands to lose his family.

If it comes down to it, and you have to kick him out? It'll be tough, no doubt about it. But you can cope. You've already shown that.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP you say he does all the drop offs to the child minders, can you be confident he's not stoned when he's driving with the kids?
Cos there's no way in hell I'd stay with a man who'd my kids in danger like that.

LegacyUser

I am absolutely confident that he's not stoned when dropping off the children or minding them. He would at most smoke two joints after they are in bed nowadays. As I deal with pretty much all the night wakings he's no threat to them Then either. I don't go out so he's never alone with them in the evenings.
I know this sounds so wrong but I sometimes wish he would just smoke every evening instead of this on off thing and then I just could gather my strength, sort out my finances and try to deal with leaving some one I love. I just don't understand how he can't love our adorable little toddlers. They adore him and yes, are hard work but pretty good little boys. if it comes to crunch time, I just don't think I have the strength in me to leave him or will I end up just putting up with it over and over again.
I think speaking to my GP is great advice. And I will also speak to him again during one of his sober phases after initial moods are over.

Mark Tapley

Often people with depression will self medicate with drink or drugs. This does not help with any underlying issues. In fact the depression can be worse when sober. If he cant be content without the weed he should consult a doctor.

LegacyUser

Mark Tapley. You hit the nail on the head. Well I gathered all my strength and told him that he has to get help. He said he does feel guilty for his feelings and I told him he has to take any chance he can to find happiness and potentially keeping this family together. I told him he either decides to smoke and I will draw my concequences or no more weed is coming into this house and he speaks to his GP. He said he'd make an appointment tomorrow (kind of doubt that will happen). I think I will do the same for myself. I promised myself I won't cry but I didn't manage not to. I just really love him so much. I hope we can sort this. It's going to be a long road isn't it?

LegacyUser

Well he never made an appointment and now he's gone out to his friends. He needs a break which I understand. He inevitably be smoking again and bringing stuff back and he'll then be happy and nice until he runs out and back to square one. I am heartbroken. He doesn't give a sh*t about us. I can't stop crying. Why does he do this.

Stavro Mueller

allovertheplace wrote: »

Well he never made an appointment and now he's gone out to his friends. He needs a break which I understand. He inevitably be smoking again and bringing stuff back and he'll then be happy and nice until he runs out and back to square one. I am heartbroken. He doesn't give a sh*t about us. I can't stop crying. Why does he do this.

Sorry to read this but I'm afraid I'm not surprised. One of the reasons he does this I'm afraid is because he knows there are no consequences. If he was genuinely concerned about losing his family then he would've done something about it by now. It's funny that you're going on about him needing that break. I think you've been way too soft on him to be honest.

Others may disagree but I think you're going to have to leave. Not just for the sake of your little twins but for that 10 year old you have. What sort of environment that poor girl is growing up in; a pot smoking wastrel in the house, an upset mother and a miserable environment. If you talk to a solicitor you should be able to work out some sort of maintenance and survive financially.

Emotionally, I can't see how much worse it would be for you on your own. Unless this man changes his tune you're almost a single parent anyway.

ABajaninCork

I'm so sorry to read this, but not surprised. Dry your eyes. Save your tears for your kids and not this loser.

You've been more than nice and more than understanding. The poor lamb needs a break. So do YOU!! Whilst he's been having a nice relaxing stoner break, you've been working, running the house and minding the kids. What did he do?? It's clear he doesn't respect you and doesn't respect your kids.

I think it's time. Tell him to pack and go. You've got your hands full with three kids including twins. You really don't need another one.

You can do this! Good luck to you...