Abusive mother in their childhood, did ur relationship w/her ever get better?

HisPresence

Sorry for the long post and bad grammars English. English is my third language

To those who have an abusive childhood, especially with their mother. Can you share your story and your experience, did your relationship with your mother ever mend? Did it ever get better?…. I find the relationship with my mother is beyond mendable.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mom. Mom refused to give me her blessing on my marriage, refused to show up to my simple and quick City Hall/Courthouse wedding ceremony…. She pretty much disown me since I got married, she have not talk to me eversince.

She is the most dictatorship woman and the most ignorant woman too. She took out her anger on her children (me and my older brother)…. I live my whole childhood with her hearing she belittle me, scold at me, and verbally/emotionally abusive to me for 18 years of my life…. Every time mom pissed of at dad, she took out her anger on her children.

She ‘physically’ beaten me with belts. I came to school with bruises on arms, and tears on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. I was only 12 year olds at the time…. The school teachers call the police. Mom said parents in China beat their children alll the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in USA…. Well, she wrong. It went to court for she “Domestic Child Abuse” me, and I was taken to “Froster Home” for few years before I got return home.

The ‘physical abuse” did stop, but the “emotionally abuse” still continue until I left the house…. Even now, when I read all the court papers and police reports log of how she physically hit me, I still find myself tears up.

My mom is a very controlling woman…. When we live with her, she check through our trash, digging through our TRASH like we are her prisoners…. You read it right, she checking/digging through our TRASH!!!…. She goes through our drawers, our room, checking our trash every single day….. I don’t know how can anyone breath living like that, that is why I left home.

I left my mother house when I was 18; when I left, I said it straight to her face: 'Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help'…. I end up in the Homeless Shelter or a while, before I can find myself a place…. I rather live in the Homeless Shelter than live with her, you can obvious see how much I resent her….. And I keep my words, I am 30 this year, still survived without a penny help from her.

Even till today both me and my brother are grown-ups. Both had move out, none live with her for more than a decade….. Yet she still try to control who we date/married, just because she is mommy. The mommy give birth to us so she can CONTROL our whole lives, that is her forever unchanging attitude.

For more than a decade, I don’t live with her. BUT I do come home every two weeks to visit my old father (the father that never abuse me), btw I love my father…. Everytime I came home to visit, my mom would insult me…. Called me Dirty, insulting me , pointing her finger at me, say all kinds of hurtful things because my then boyfriend now husband, who is not Chinese.

Trust me, you know what emotionally abusive are when you find yourself swallow your own tears while eating rice…. Yes, that was me, I swallow my own tears when I sat on the table eat with her…. I never have one good meal eating with my father when have my mom presence….. If it weren’t for my old father, I can’t find the strength to go back to that house…. Even till today, my mother still disown me because I didn’t listen to her; without her permission, I married my husband.

I learn how to flip her off now, Pffffff!! I don’t care anymore, I become NUMB when it come to my mother…. Now if she ever say hurtful things to me, or make rude comments about my husband, I will walk straight out of the door.... I be frank, sometimes I do resent my mother. My relationship with her is beyond repairable.

Now I all I have left is my husband. He is an awesome husband, I have no regret choose him over my mother…. Hubby knows all about this abusive childhood of mine, and he still choose to be with me and married me…. He is an awesome husband, he loving and caring…. Eventhough I have a messed up childhood, life beat me up pretty bad, but now I have my husband, I feel blessed.

There a story someone shared to me, she said her mother died of a heart attack, and she regrets for not being close to her mother..... This is what I’m worried about. I know sometimes I resent my mother…. But I asked myself, what happened when she gone from this world? Will I regret for ignoring her? I know subconsciously I do yearn for a loving mother.

The problem is my mom refused to talk to me, refused to repair our relationship…. I don’t know what to do anymore…. I think the relationship between me and her is beyond repairable…. Perhaps it fate, maybe it Karma…. Maybe in my former life, I was very evil, so this lifetime I have to pay back my sin. That’s why I have to suffer an abusive childhood with an abusive mother, perhaps it all Karma…. But I guess God still love me, give me such an awesome husband.

I guess I just want to hear others story of mother-daughter experience. If anyone have an abusive mother in their childhood. Can you please share how you cope with it, did you break-free?... Did your relationship with your mom ever improve?... Did you ever regret the decission you make? Did your relationship with your mother ever mended?

LadyAthame

HisPresence wrote: »

I guess I just want to hear others story of mother-daughter experience.

Hi OP i had a wonderful mother and father but i have been in an abusive relationship.

I do know of people with hard relationships with family. I think it's a healing process I think at some point you cut ties.

'Now I all I have left is my husband. He is an awesome husband, I have no regret choose him over my mother…. Hubby knows all about this abusive childhood of mine, and he still choose to be with me and married me…. He is an awesome husband, he loving and caring…. Eventhough I have a messed up childhood, life beat me up pretty bad, but now I have my husband, I feel blessed.'

I can't tell you how much this was a joy to hear you broke the cycle. It's what every victim of abuse dreams of having. A caring loving supportive positive partner who accepts you and knows you are worthy.

'There a story someone shared to me, she said her mother died of a heart attack, and she regrets for not being close to her mother..... This is what I’m worried about. I know sometimes I resent my mother…. But I asked myself, what happened when she gone from this world? Will I regret for ignoring her? I know subconsciously I do yearn for a loving mother.'

I think you find what you yearn for in your future family etc .... unconditional love is something innate ... my mantra has always been i was born with my heart for a reason. You were too. I do know of adults who found partners later where they got to exchange unconditional love. I think it's healing.

I think of people in this way the best part of your mother loves you but that part was the potential she had that never came to be in the way she lived.

'Perhaps it fate, maybe it Karma…. Maybe in my former life, I was very evil, so this lifetime I have to pay back my sin. That’s why I have to suffer an abusive childhood with an abusive mother, perhaps it all Karma…. But I guess God still love me, give me such an awesome husband.'

Wonderful people have bad things happen. I know after abuse the most important thing to hear is that you are worthwhile.

The most important thing is not to repeat the cycle you will be a wonderful wife and mother with a wonderful husband.

'There a story someone shared to me, she said her mother died of a heart attack, and she regrets for not being close to her mother..... This is what I’m worried about. I know sometimes I resent my mother…. But I asked myself, what happened when she gone from this world? Will I regret for ignoring her? I know subconsciously I do yearn for a loving mother.'

The death of an abusive mother might be said to be a complicated grief. The survivor is left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete her relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of her grief.

Overcoming the legacy of toxic parents and UNLEARNING their lessons and values is long. I have four dear friends who have gone through this. No parent is perfect. We all know that. It's not about demonizing parents. It is about learning to recognize incidents in our lives that adversely affect our behavior and our emotional well-being.

Your mother taught you love was conditional from her or even rare. you can break the cycle. You can heal. You can reclaim yourself. You have made a start by choosing someone who showed love and learning to show love and not becoming your mother.

I don't know if your relationship will mend.Seek professional help from someone who understands emotional child abuse. The most lasting damage an abuser creates is the set of plausible half-truths that are bad ideas about life or entrusting of themselves.She taught you these things to her advantage subconsciously.Many abusers sabotage their children's lives in ways that last a lot longer than the abuse itself. Ask yourself 'did her view on life work for her? Was she happy? ' I doubt it.

Question everything the abuser taught you,Love is always love-hate" can set you up to repeat the situation with new people in your life. The toughest question for self is: Am I following my abuser's example? Do I treat people that way? You have found a way to break the cycle.

It was not you it was her weakness. Being able to love and being sensitive is the greatest human strength.
Learn a healthier confidence.

The possessiveness is characteristic of abusive parents. All people are possessive to some degree it's the extremes it goes to. Some who loves you understands you are not a thing ...you are not a prize or an ornament you are a person with feelings and preferences and you deserve to feel good about you.

Abused children dream of finding the love to answer the need it's out there ...in the person who tells you that it was all in you in the first place that you are amazing because of so many reasons but mostly just because you are you.



Someone once told a friend of mine it's never too late to have a second childhood The second one depends on you. I don't really understand what that meant still fully. I think it means What if it's not too late to create new memories and have a second childhood?

And relearn things about people and life and YOU.

I know there must seem like there is a deep dark angry wound and maybe i seem naive but i really think abused people have the potential to be perceptive wonderful people because they feel for others.

You are not continuing the cycle and abusing others i think the fact that you have learnt to love and accept love in return is a life accomplishment.

Hugs sorry for going on.
xx

eviltwin

I grew up with an abusive mother. I come from a family of 4 kids, two girls, two boys. My younger brother was treated like royalty, he could do no wrong. Myself and the others were hit daily, constantly put down and treated like dirt by her. She put me in hospital once, my sister twice. My sister still has scars from the abuse. I was kicked out at 18 and I've never spoken to her since, I'm 38 now. My sister has forgiven her and my younger brother thinks she's amazing so I don't speak with them any more. My older brother and I are close but we don't talk about it, he's badly damaged by it all.

I think I have come through okay, I think what helped was I moved into my boyfriends house and his mother took me under her wing. She's my mother in law now and I think I have a closer relationship with her than my husband, she's shown me what a mother should be so I don't feel I've missed out on having a mother figure.

My mother is very old now, I still see her around from time to time and even though she is frail and probably quite vulnerable just the sight of her terrifies me. My husband and kids are great support. I can't make peace with her but I don't mind so much as she isn't ever going to bring anything positive to my life. I would like to improve my relationship with my siblings but it won't happen while she is still around.

LadyAthame has some great advice there. Don't ever think your mother was karma. One thing I've learned from having my own kids is that its actually not that hard to be a good parent, you just have to love them. I work really hard to make sure my kids know everyday that they are loved and cherished so I have my mother to thank for that I suppose.

I hope if you do decide to make amends she is willing to meet you halfway. If that doesn't happen and she dies without a reconciliation don't regret anything. You will be mourning the mother you never got a chance to have as much as the one you grew up with. Good luck xx

zeffabelli

OP...is your mother foreign and living and raising her kids in the west?

I have seen this a million times before...the clash between old world parents raising new world kids.

In the old world you don't choose your spouse without family approval...a complete condradiction to the indivualisms of the US. Ive seen people disowned over this. I could give you a million more examples.

Though your moms behavior is extreme and painful...there could be some of that going on here.

HisPresence

zeffabelli wrote: »

I have seen this a million times before...the clash between old world parents raising new world kids.

In the old world you don't choose your spouse without family approval...a complete condradiction to the indivualisms of the US. Ive seen people disowned over this. I could give you a million more examples.

Sadly, but this still happening eventhough we are in the year 2015 already.

My whole family immigrant from China to USA when I was 12 years old. I am 30 this year, so I pretty much grow up in the west; almost twenty years living in the U.S already.

But my mother still is a very rigid/traditional Chinese culture woman. She is controlling, emotionally manipulating, and physically/emotionally abusive to her children... Things like beaten/hit your kids in China is normal. Things like verbally abusive, belittle, put down your children is normal in China too.

But you see, in USA you cannot do that to your kids. You beaten your kids and they come to school with bruises and red slap marks on their face, that is "Domestic Child Abuse" It is against the laws in America.

My mom beaten me, and belittle me throughout my childhood. The verbally abuse and belittle did resulted me growing up as an Adult with low self-worth and low self-esteem.

When I left her house at the age of 18, I leave all the abuse behind me, I forgive her... I'm 30 already, but as a daughter I do want my mother to give me her blessing in my marriage. Because in my Chinese culture, have parents blessing is very important.
When she disown me and refused to give me her blessing; it make me feel like a part of myself is missing.

I have no regrets married my husband, he is an awesome awesome husband. I married him with nothing; without an engagement ring, without a wedding ceremony, without a honeymoon. And I have no regret.
There was no point of having a wedding when pretty much nobody on my side of the family going to show up. You know what I mean? Both of my father and mother refused to show up to give me their blessing, so to me there is no point of having a wedding reception.

He is an AWESOME husband, and I have NO regret choose him over my abusive/ignorant Chinese mother who disapprove him solely becuz of his skin color... Marriage is great so far despite our hug cultural difference.
Pretty much what I'm missing in my life is a loving mother. Subconsciously, I do yearn for a loving mother and a loving childhood though.

I'm Chinese (Asian), and my husband is Black (African), now you see why my mother refused to give me her blessing? It pretty obvious that she discriminate against him due to his skin color.
But her disapproval doesn't matter anymore, we are married now. We went through alot to be together, and I'm happy we make it... It just hurt when my mother say things like when I have kids, don't ever bring the Dirty grandchildren back to see her. She called me Dirty too and I am her own daughter.

My husband is working 12-14 hours everyday, so we can have enough money for a house down-payment, to buy our house. My husband did not do anything to deserve my mom discriminate against him.
Mom she just so ignorant to the point that she does not even want to know his name, let alone his jobs, his life or who he is as a Person.

Thank you for all replies, noted and greatly appreciated.
I don't know if I can ever mended the relationship with my mother, but eversince I got married, she refused to talk to me. I pretty much phone home now to talk to my old father.

zeffabelli

HisPresence wrote: »

Sadly, but this still happening eventhough we are in the year 2015 already.

My whole family immigrant from China to USA when I was 12 years old. I am 30 this year, so I pretty much grow up in the west; almost twenty years living in the U.S already.

But my mother still is a very rigid/traditional Chinese culture woman. She is controlling, emotionally manipulating, and physically/emotionally abusive to her children... Things like beaten/hit your kids in China is normal. Things like verbally abusive, belittle, put down your children is normal in China too.

So this is normal for her? Not to belittle what you have gone through, but can you reframe so that you understand that this is what she knows? This is normal for her.She came to the US later in life after all her values had already been formed? Immigrants regualrly wrestle and struggle with transformation.

HisPresence wrote: »

But you see, in USA you cannot do that to your kids. You beaten your kids and they come to school with bruises and red slap marks on their face, that is "Domestic Child Abuse" It is against the laws in America.

My mom beaten me, and belittle me throughout my childhood. The verbally abuse and belittle did resulted me growing up as an Adult with low self-worth and low self-esteem.

Yes it is illegal in the US. And no it is far from what is acceptable in the US and the values you are growing up with in the culture outside of the home.

This is why you have a clash of meaning systems.

HisPresence wrote: »

When I left her house at the age of 18, I leave all the abuse behind me, I forgive her... I'm 30 already, but as a daughter I do want my mother to give me her blessing in my marriage. Because in my Chinese culture, have parents blessing is very important.
When she disown me and refused to give me her blessing; it make me feel like a part of myself is missing.

Yes, and love and approval are not the same thing. When you marry you marry the family too. You don't marry in isolation. The US is highly individualistic and in my opinion sticks its head in the sand when it comes to marriage and the wedlock of not two individuals but of families.

HisPresence wrote: »

I have no regrets married my husband, he is an awesome awesome husband. I married him with nothing; without an engagement ring, without a wedding ceremony, without a honeymoon. And I have no regret.
There was no point of having a wedding when pretty much nobody on my side of the family going to show up. You know what I mean? Both of my father and mother refused to show up to give me their blessing, so to me there is no point of having a wedding reception.

That's sad and Im sorry about that. Neither of you are accepting each other's values. This happens sometimes.

HisPresence wrote: »

He is an AWESOME husband, and I have NO regret choose him over my abusive/ignorant Chinese mother who disapprove him solely becuz of his skin color... Marriage is great so far despite our hug cultural difference.
Pretty much what I'm missing in my life is a loving mother. Subconsciously, I do yearn for a loving mother and a loving childhood though.

A friend of mine had to lie about his heritage and say he was Italian marrying into an Italian American family. Greek American girls often have to marry into Greek families. It happens all the time!

HisPresence wrote: »

I'm Chinese (Asian), and my husband is Black (African), now you see why my mother refused to give me her blessing? It pretty obvious that she discriminate against him due to his skin color.
But her disapproval doesn't matter anymore, we are married now. We went through alot to be together, and I'm happy we make it... It just hurt when my mother say things like when I have kids, don't ever bring the Dirty grandchildren back to see her. She called me Dirty too and I am her own daughter.

My husband is working 12-14 hours everyday, so we can have enough money for a house down-payment, to buy our house. My husband did not do anything to deserve my mom discriminate against him.
Mom she just so ignorant to the point that she does not even want to know his name, let alone his jobs, his life or who he is as a Person.

Thank you for all replies, noted and greatly appreciated.
I don't know if I can ever mended the relationship with my mother, but eversince I got married, she refused to talk to me. I pretty much phone home now to talk to my old father.

It sounds like you have forgiven her for all the abuse but that you still want her approval.

You are not going to get that because you deviated from her values....independence is not easy...it comes with costs...and sometimes that cost is a connection and approval of our families, especially when they have an entirely different meaning system to the ones we hold.

Sometimes families can behave like cults too.

Do you want her unconditional love or do you want her unconditional approval?