Still affected by break-up

LegacyUser

Apologies for how long this is, the first half is kind of 'background' to the mess!

I'm mid/late twenties and last year fell head over heels for a guy who on paper seemed 'perfect'. We had great fun together and I really admired certain things about him (he works with special needs children and spends loads of his free time volunteering with different charities). He spoke really early about our future together, moving in together, getting married and having children etc. and although part of me felt wary of it being too intense too soon, I at times felt completely happy and excited about the future. In ways we were perfectly matched.

I did feel like I got mixed messages though, on one hand he'd say he'd do anything for me but then actually let me down in lots of very small ways. After a couple of hard months I felt he actually wasn't bothered after all and I said we should go our separate ways. I expected him to agree but instead he was devastated and kept trying to convince me if I gave him another chance he'd show me how much I meant to him. Part of me was thrilled to 'give it a go', thinking we could take things more slowly and try to communicate better to avoid miscommunication etc. but even though I tried, we never spoke properly about what had bothered me so much, I tried to explain but he'd get annoyed and just say I needed to 'let things go', that all relationships need work and effort & how childish it was of me to dump him when he'd "done nothing" to deserve it. I just didn't feel he listened to/understood me and became more and more tense and unhappy. I also felt he put me down in subtle ways and was even a small bit controlling.

Eventually, a few weeks before Christmas (which he had half mocked me for liking because it's "just for kids" and he kept saying he doesn't like it) I decided to end things properly. To him it was completely out of the blue and I did feel terrible about that. Initially though, I was mostly so relieved which I think says a lot but after a week or so I did start feeling really sad that it didn't work and I missed him terribly (for all the 'bad' times there had been lots of good ones). I said we shouldn't keep in contact as it'd make it easier for both but he really wanted to (and part of me did too) so we texted quite a bit. I liked that we seemed to be able to be friends after all, it was less intense than before and nice. He started texting a lot when a bit drunk though saying how much I'd broken his heart and was devastated etc.
One evening he got very annoying when drunk and did a few silly/annoying things, turned up at my house, begging me to get back together etc. I had been getting to a stage where I thought possibly we would, but this carry on really annoyed me. I told him to go home to bed as it was a sunday evening and we had work the next day. I didn't hear from him then for a full week (which was a little unusual) so figured that was it, our efforts to be friends must have fizzled.
He then texted after a week asking me to call over so he could explain himself. I eventually agreed and he told me that the previous week, when I thought he'd gone home to bed, he hadn't. He said the next day he woke up in a garda cell and had been taken into custody for his own safety as he was beside a river, saying he was going to kill himself On one hand he kept saying he didn't remember anything, was too drunk, but on the other kept saying after how badly I'd treated him by dumping him out of the blue 3 weeks before Christmas, I'd put him in that place where he wanted to end his life. I was in total shock when he told me, felt terrible for him and so guilty. He was still insisting he wanted us to be friends and because he's quite isolated and doesn’t have many close friends (he’s quite popular but seems to keep people at a distance.) I agreed to staying in touch. I felt so shocked, sorry for him and guilty but after a few days it dawned on me how manipulative it was of him to call me over to tell me that (as well as get lots of subtle digs in about how I’d never find anyone who had loved me as much as him but I wasn’t the great person he had thought).

Eventually after a few sleepless nights feeling very stressed I sent a long text wishing him the best but saying I didn’t want to be friends after all. He didn’t reply which is fair enough but it feels strange to have ended like that. I was still so worried about him even though he’d insisted he was fine now. I contacted his sister and explained as best I could, hoping his family could support him. She was very receptive and said she’d get him to come visit soon (none of his family live here, a few hours away & lives in a house share) and talk to him then and I asked would she let me know how it went. I’m not sure why I wanted her to or what I thought she could say.
Two weeks later she said she hadn’t seen him yet but would the following week & would let me know. I never heard from her and I wish I didn’t but I think about him a lot and wonder how he is. It makes me sad that his family didn’t seem to see any great urgency to this. I don’t know has she still not seen him or just forgot/didn’t want to contact me after. I know really it’s none of my business and out of my hands. I wish I felt more ‘over it’ though. Sometimes I wonder should I write to him explaining properly why I finally ended our friendship & that I still care about him/want the best for him. He can be dishonest at times so I don’t know did he make something up to his sister to make me look bad & now she doesn’t want to be in contact. I swing between being really annoyed at him and worried about him. We live quite close to each-other and work in similar fields so I'll probably see him around sooner or later but don't know what that will be like.

Shrap

Oh boy. This is a classic. You're left "holding his life in your hands", as he so dramatically explained to you in the most manipulative way possible. OP, I suggest that instead of feeling guilty, you should feel angry. Very angry. He has dumped this sh1t at your door because your grown-up approach to the relationship revealed him as an immature control freak, and he didn't like it. The lack of a reply to your last message, plus the lack of reply from the sister (she was probably given a blow by blow account of what a b1tch you've been!) is a traditional way of leaving you guessing/worrying/thinking about him endlessly. Worked, didn't it? I'd be angry at that, personally.

Don't spend another minute worrying about him, I'd say. He sounds far too self-obsessed to actually do harm to himself, IMO, but if he did (and I truly don't believe it) then you've already gone way over and above the call of duty to try and help him. Standing at the side of a river looking for attention is a very VERY different thing to throwing yourself in. As is calling over and telling your ex about how crappy they made you feel, but you're fine now thanks, to actually having a problem.

Now you haven't fallen for the massive sob story and got back with him, and you've allowed him to get all those snide digs in about how you're the big bad b1tch and he's the poor misfortunate loving guy who you'll never be able to match, I'll bet he's busy feeling even more justified about how you were the one who screwed him over and ramping up the bitterness so he can feed off that, ready for the next woman to deal with. He sounds like he'd rather dine off a massive drama than take on board any of his own actions, so I reckon you'll be ignoring each other on the street/at social occasions/at work from now on.

Forget about it. Chalk it up and something to bear in mind the next time you meet someone (this stood for me) is that he's got a screw loose/fatal flaw until proven otherwise. That way you won't be too hasty, or fall for the declarations of undying love too soon.

ahnow

I dont believe for a second this lad tried to commit suicide. Not for a second! I think you've dodged a really nasty and manipulative person, and well done you for figuring out something wasn't right so early. Imagine you didn't listen to your gut, he'd have really gotten under your skin in a few more months, with his snide digs. He sounds absolutely horrible. There's nothing worse than someone who refuses to look at their own role in a situation and shifts all of the blame onto the other person.
I don't think so! Once he's out of your system, and it might take a short while, you'll be feeling great again without this loser bringing you down. Dont feed into it anymore. Cut all contact, when you find yourself wondering about him or his sister, stop yourself, distract yourself, because he's a manipulative waste of space, and he seems like the type that would've become quite abusive down the line.

(Also: Christmas is deadly craic?! What's he on about?!)

strobe

Definitely don't write to him or contact him. Leave the guy be. You'll only be wrecking his head by getting in contact again.
Don't contact his sister again either. You've expressed your concern to her, now leave it. It's not her place to report back to you about her brother, and not your place to expect her to.
You ended the relationship, twice (three times if you include ending the 'let's just be friends situation, which was definitely the right thing to do), you don't get to keep popping your head back in for a look around, let it be.

njs030

Definitely let it go, I agree with strobe that this man is far to self-obsessed to take his own life.
Though even if he did you have given him every chance to make your relationship work and he rejected them all in favour of continuing his behaviour.

Please don't contact him again, it's nothing to do with you now and its up to his family to deal with it. You're new in his life compared to them and you don't know if this is a stunt he's pulled before.
Sadly it's none of your business anymore, and in your best interest to forget him and close the door on him for good.

Saralee4

You have decided that you do not want to be with him so it is up to you to stay away and go no contact.

I know you were just concerned about him but you need to just walk away.

Contacting his sister or sending him a letter about how much you care is just going to give him mixed messages. Even when you are clear that you don't want a relationship with him, he is too emotionally involved to be able to handle you to both staying friends.

The best thing you can do is have no contact whatsoever. You do not need to feel guilty about this because you would actually be doing what's best for him.

He will have to deal with his issues himself and he can hopefully move on from the situation and learn from it as can you.

ivytwine

I suspect that the sister knows what he's like and that's why she hasn't been in contact.

OP you REALLY dodged a bullet with this one. On the surface he seems too sweet to be wholesome and so it proved. No wonder you're upset though, the subtle digs and manipulations have a real way of ruining your confidence and leave you doubting yourself. Mind yourself and be kind to yourself, it's not something you're going to get over overnight. It's ok to feel sad.

PS. Never trust people who say "Christmas is for kids"!