Did I make the right decision?

Quiet Girl

Ok so this is gonna be a long one! I was going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We had a lot of fun together always going out to gigs and planning weekends away etc.

He has a 5 year old son which I was always completely understanding about. I would only get to see him once a week as he worked mad shifts and would spend a lot of time with his son, fair enough.

However after a year he still hadn't introduced me to his son and as far as I knew the child didn't even know I existed. So I sort of mentioned it in passing that we should arrange a day out or something- he said he needed more time to be sure about us before that happened.

So after a couple of months he still hadn't mentioned anything. He also has quite a close 'friendship' with the child's mother- they are always texting and one day I read his messages ( I know I shouldn't have but I was curious) I seen there conversations were rarely actually about the child and she would send him drunken selfies an stupid pictures. I said to him as I got so frustrated by it- he completely flew off the handle said I was over reacting. He also said he still wasn't ready to introduce me to his son.

I would see him at the weekend, stay at his place and then the next day when he was taking his son I would have to disappear and basically pretend I was never there and not leave a trace of me being there.

After a year and ahalf of being together and having to deal with this situation I just had enough so I ended things- I love him so much though and I feel so miserable since I ended it. I would just like some opinions really on whether it was the right decision given the situation I found myself in with the relationship?

DeltaWhite

OP that actually sounds real sad and upsetting to me I cant speak for your ex, I don't have kids so I'm not really sure what's right or wrong in those types of situations. But a year and a half sounds like a long time to not have met the child! Again I don't really know what the general consensus is on meeting the child of a partner!

Can I ask though, how did he react to you telling him it was over? Did he even protest about it? Did he just accept it straight away and that was that? By the way, I think you made the right decision, regardless of what was going on, if you were unhappy and hurting, then that would be reason enough for me to end things! Just my 2 cents.

ratmouse

I think you made the right decision too OP. Along with his son, you should be the most important person in his world and should be seen to be part of it in every possible way.

Quiet Girl

Thats also another point, when I ended it he said some really horrible things to me and then said ok, if that's what you want and he hasn't tried to fight for me or ask for me back or anything, so maybe that's why I'm feeling so miserable also! It just hurts because I was willing to give up any thing for him and I truly loved him, still do! Thanks guys I just needed to hear that I made the right call!

DeltaWhite

That sounds really hurtful sorry you're feeling miserable OP, there's honestly nothing worse. Just from how he behaved when you broke up with him, I definitely think you made the right decision. How long ago since you broke up and have you had zero contact with him since then?

njs030

It does sound like he wasn't sure of your relationship and didn't see it as being long term.
Did his ex know about you? If not it could also have been because he didn't want to rock the boat if they get on well.

Given his reaction you probably did the right thing, though I don't think that him not fighting to get back with you means he doesn't care, maybe he respects your decision, or if he's not intending to change things it would be pointless to get back together

nozipcode

Forget about him, he's not worth it. He should be running back to you.

Let me guess; the sex was amazing.

meeeeh

If I was single no man would meet my kids before I could imagine my future with him.

I can understand your ex's reluctance especially if his son is only five. That being said I don't think you were in his long term plans and I think you were right to walk away If you wanted something more.

zeffabelli

Yes you made the right decision.

He and and his ex have not hit that neutral footing yet....whether the relationship is full of hate or full of affection or a mixture of both...if it's not in the neutral area...you are looking at trouble.

He may not have wanted to introduce you to the child because he did not want to rock the boat with the mother.

Or because the child is in an oedipal phase and would react really badly to seeing his mother outsted and the parent trap dream destroyed.

Other possibility is he is using his son as a way to hide behind commitment issues. That happens too.

I am single and no one is going to meet mine unless there are impending wedding bells, which is likely never.

Either way, no one is worth this.

Not G.R

Quiet Girl wrote: »

he hasn't tried to fight for me or ask for me back or anything,

Why would he? You've just confirmed all his fears he had about you meeting his son. He was obviously afraid his son would become attached to you and you might walk. And now for one reason or another, you've walked.

Dixie Chick

Not G.R wrote: »

Why would he? You've just confirmed all his fears he had about you meeting his son. He was obviously afraid his son would become attached to you and you might walk. And now for one reason or another, you've walked.

Bottom line, 100% correct. One reason is that he didn't commit to her, but I think if he takes that viewpoint there is no one ever going to stay as self respect will kick in at some point with most people who aren't being committed to.

However OP for what its worth I think you were right to do as you did. I think he may repeat these patterns with other partners as he doesn't seem moved on from the ex fully.

Quiet Girl

DeltaWhite wrote:

That sounds really hurtful sorry you're feeling miserable OP, there's honestly nothing worse. Just from how he behaved when you broke up with him, I definitely think you made the right decision. How long ago since you broke up and have you had zero contact with him since then?

It's been a few weeks now, no contact since although it has been tempting to text him! Thanks for all the advice I also appreciate the advice from the other perspective of someone who has a child, I'll take it all on board!

Quiet Girl

notjustsweet wrote:

It does sound like he wasn't sure of your relationship and didn't see it as being long term. Did his ex know about you? If not it could also have been because he didn't want to rock the boat if they get on well.

No she did not know about me, I thought she did but when I read the messages she was talking about him being single which really hurt tbh

zeffabelli

Quiet Girl wrote: »

No she did not know about me, I thought she did but when I read the messages she was talking about him being single which really hurt tbh

She probably has feelings for him, and he does not disabuse her because he is afraid of 1. the blowback and 2. that he wont be able to manipulate her as well if he collapses her hope. (Im deducing the feelings part from what you said about the texts and pictures) and he will miss all the attention she gives him.

iusedtoknow

I think you made the right decision, but it also serves as a warning in the future. The kid's well being will always come first

A friend of mine at work has a 5 year old girl and 3 years ago split up with the mother. While sad, they realized that it was healthier for them to split up, however they completely co-parent. One will drop the child to daycare/school - the other will pick them up etc. They are on pretty friendly terms and both dote on their child.

He recently ended things with his girlfriend as he didn't want to rock things in the childs life too much and she was pushing to meet the child and spend time with her . The child is aware her parents don't live together, but that is pretty much it - she's happy. He didn't want to start introducing his child to someone as it could rock her world completely. He was right to do it. The child comes first, and that is always going to be the case.

Perhaps if you had met at a time when the child was a bit older, it could have worked out. I do however think you ultimately made the right choice to end it

nozipcode

Quiet Girl wrote: »

It's been a few weeks now, no contact since although it has been tempting to text him! Thanks for all the advice I also appreciate the advice from the other perspective of someone who has a child, I'll take it all on board!

A few weeks?! Wow, you've done well to not get in touch by now. Keep it up, if he was worth it he'd of been in touch by now. Forget him and move on. You sound like a sane sorted individual and there are others out there more deserving of your time, love and attention.

njs030

Quiet Girl wrote: »

No she did not know about me, I thought she did but when I read the messages she was talking about him being single which really hurt tbh

Oh well now that's another reason why you couldn't meet the child.

I think he was probably trying to keep everyone happy, obviously he has to have a relationship with his childs mother and the friendlier it is the easier it is all round.it doesn't necessarily mean he wanted to be with her, but he was probably too scared to risk having access problems.

You're better off out of the situation if he's not prepared to give you a proper place in his life after so long.

Mind yourself.

retro:electro

He didn't want you to meet the child op because then the mother would find out about you. He obviously wants to appear single to her for whatever reasons, maybe to keep her sweet or maybe there are still feelings there. Either way he did not show you the respect of officially acknowledging the relationship. Onwards and upwards.