What to do?

LegacyUser

Hey,

I'm sure there are posts like this on here all the time, basically I've started having feelings for a friend I've known for quite a while. To give some background, I drunkenly tried things on with her a few years ago and she told me she just saw me as a friend, so I left it at that. Since then I've had girlfriends and spent a while travelling Europe so I pretty much forgot about the whole situation.

I hadn't thought about it too much until I saw her for the first time in a while on a night out a month or two ago. We still get along well and over the last few times we've met I've been having feelings for her, and I'm not really sure what I should do. On one hand I feel like some of her behaviour has been quite flirty, and I'd hate to miss an opportunity like that, but on the other I feel like I would be disrespecting what she said to me before if I made any moves.

milli milli

hopping34 wrote: »

I drunkenly tried things on with her a few years ago and she told me she just saw me as a friend.

Unless her feelings have changed OP, then if you tried it on with her again, you could face another brush off.
If the thoughts of that doesn't bruise your ego too much, then maybe you could chance it again.
But as you said, you might disrespect her feelings by trying it on with her.
It's a tricky one but chances are she still sees you as a friend and if she didn't the onus would be on her to 'show' her feelings.

Also she may be being flirty with you, because she knows you like her and could be using you as an ego boost. So don't rely on the flirtiness as a green light.

giggle84

milli milli wrote: »

It's a tricky one but chances are she still sees you as a friend and if she didn't the onus would be on her to 'show' her feelings.

Also she may be being flirty with you, because she knows you like her and could be using you as an ego boost. So don't rely on the flirtiness as a green light.

Totally agree with this OP. If she's interested she'll probably be aware that you'll be reluctant to get shot down again so if she wants something to happen she'll have to make the move. And she may just like the attention.

Katgurl

I'm afraid I'm with the others OP and as a girl who was recently in this situation can I add another possible perspective. You were friends before when you stated your feelings but remained friends (am I right?) so she probably feels entirely safe in being very chummy verging on flirty because you've had that conversation and both moved beyond it with your friendship intact.

Sorry but I would not suggest approaching the topic again, if she likes you she will let you know.

strobe

When you're into someone/ have feelings for them/ find them sexually attractive, you have a tendency to read things as flirty, as that's the part of your brain that's engaged when you're in their company.

"I just see you as a friend" is a nice way of saying "I don't find you sexually attractive".

But I dunno. Fvck it. How you view someone isn't always fixed in stone. It can be a transient thing dependant on a lot of factors. I'd say tell her you think she's a little ride (or words to that effect) and she how she reacts. No declaration of undying love or talk of having always held a flame for her or any of that ****e. And don't get hammered and lash your tongue out in her general direction or anything. Just let her know you think she's hot and her reaction will tell you what you need to know. It's not a marriage proposal. It's always a nice thing to hear even if you're not interested, as long as the person doesn't take the response badly if it's not what they were hoping for. Sure fvck it, it's not like you're best buddies and joined at the hip. You just run into each other when out on occasion. Fly a flag, she how she reacts. But if she doesn't give you clear and unequivocal reciprocation, let it go, and shrug it off, don't make a thing out of it.

LegacyUser

Hey folks, OP here again. Thanks for the advice everyone, basically confirms what I thought anyway, I'm just awful at reading these situations and wanted to ask others before deciding to leave it in case I missed out on something. Strangely enough, even though it's obviously not what I'd like to hear I feel a lot better about it all, so thanks again!

tara73

I wouldn't do anything. Actually, you have feelings for her, so I wouldn't even meet up with her because it'll cause you hurt in the longrun.

if things changed with her and she developed feelings now too, it's her part now to communicate it, not yours.

Tresra

Tell her that you have no interest in her romantically anymore, and to tone down the flirtatious behaviour as it's inappropriate.

quadrifoglio verde

Op would you rather look back in 20 years time saying I wish I'd asked her on a date but she's now married etc.

If you like her and think she might like you ask her on a date, what's the worst than can happen. She says no?
At least you won't be tormenting yourself for years to come when she's no longer single wondering why you didn't ask her on a date.

The friendship might suffer marginally in the short term, but no where near as badly if you make a drunken pass on her or end up resenting her future partner.

Or do I fall into the small category of people who believe that friends aren't off limits romantically :pac:

giggle84

quadrifoglio verde wrote: »

Op would you rather look back in 20 years time saying I wish I'd asked her on a date but she's now married etc.

If you like her and think she might like you ask her on a date, what's the worst than can happen. She says no?
At least you won't be tormenting yourself for years to come when she's no longer single wondering why you didn't ask her on a date.

I posted above and said she'd make a move if she was interested.. but this post has got me thinking! Here are 2 personal experiences in this area:

1. A couple of years ago a very good friend made a drunken pass at me. I brushed it off and pretended it didn't happen, it was awkward for a while but got back to normal. But if he tried it again I would be really uncomfortable and it probably would affect our friendship.

2. Six months ago a guy I was friends with through work told me (while drunk) he had feelings for me. I was shocked because both of us were just out of relationships and I reacted really badly, not sure why but I did. I avoided him for a couple of weeks but felt terrible about it, especially since I actually fancied him! Next time we were out I flirted with him, he took this as a green light and made a move. We're still together and very happy :-)

So really every situation is different. If she's a really good friend it might not be worth the risk, but if she's more just in the same group as you and the worst that can happen is it's a bit awkward for a while, then maybe go for it!

strobe

giggle84 wrote: »

I posted above and said she'd make a move if she was interested.. /quote]

Ah I really couldn't agree with that. Look at the amount of threads that get started on here by girls that fancy guys like mad and are absolutely head over heels for them, but won't make a move and want to know instead how to get him to make a move. And look at the amount of responses posted in those thread by girls along the lines of 'just move on, if he was interested he would be the one to make a move, you're wasting your time'. It's a regular occurrence. I'm pretty sure if you could do a search in relationship issues a search for "I'm a big believer that if a guy likes you he'll make a move" would throw up a few hundred hits.

Even in this day and age there are still a lot of girls that just don't believe a girl should make a move on a guy and it should be up to him to do so, and that he absolutely will if he likes her, and therefore if he doesn't there can be no explanation other than he isn't interested. Thankfully that way of thinking is changing a good bit more but it's still prevalent amongst a good few girls and still advocated as some kind of axiom by a good few more. As a guy you just can't work off the assumption that a girl will ever make any kind of a move if she likes you, even if you feel you've made your feelings about her petty clear.

giggle84

strobe wrote: »

giggle84 wrote: »

I posted above and said she'd make a move if she was interested.. /quote]

Ah I really couldn't agree with that. Look at the amount of threads that get started on here by girls that fancy guys like mad and are absolutely head over heels for them, but won't make a move and want to know instead how to get him to make a move... As a guy you just can't work off the assumption that a girl will ever make any kind of a move if she likes you, even if you feel you've made your feelings about her petty clear.

Yep that's fair, that's why I rethought my original comment.