Childminder concern

LegacyUser

Bit of a dilemma and I am not sure how to handle it!

I have 2 young children - 1 school going / 1 pre-school....and for the past 3 years, I have had my neighbour as our childminder. Now - she is a neighbour - so extremely 'handy' in the mornings, my kids are happy there - never have an issue with them going in etc etc, and she does treat my kids like her own.

However - on a couple of occasions, I have had concerns. These range from, where she has my kids during the day (school hols) - eg beaches (we dont live near one), not being at home with them when I / OH get back (we are never late), to not fitting my youngest car seat properly (refuses to let us do it) - although I have no real evidence of this - I am 100% certain that at times he travels in a booster he is too small / young for, to, having had drink 'on her' when I collect.

The latter problem wasnt every day - but the 'odd' day, I would get a smell of drink, and on one occasion, I would say she was drunk. She had a run-in with another neighbour - and took to the bottle (although didnt tell me that she had had anything - it was extremely obvious). I was really really concerned about this at the time - but vowed to watch closely to see if it would happen again - and it didnt, to that extent.

So, the other day, my OH is at home with the kids in the afternoon - and he bumps into this neighbour - and he said, she was plastered...and had driven home, with her own kids from school, 10 mins before he was talking to her. My OH is not working at the moment, but has work imminent - and our neighbour was 'keeping her services open' for us to return to her when OH got set up again.
We now both have major concerns about sending our kids back - due to the above. She is extremely sensitive....I had words with her last year about keeping my oldest child out with her until 7.30pm on a school night, when I had said I needed her home by 6...when I rang that time - she never answered the phone. That night - I got around 10 calls from her crying down the phone re she was only trying to help ,she took to the bottle again and - in the end, I ended up apologising to her for having words!

Anyhow - issue...my OH has this new role imminent - so we do need a CM. But I am really struggling with going back to her. Dont get me wrong - she has an awful lot of good points - and really is a good neighbour - but, when her day doesnt go to plan - she is volatile (emotional not agressive), and takes to the bottle. Without falling out with her, bearing in mind she is keeping her 'position open' for us - how do I tell her I am going to look for someone else? Really awkward - but I am not an argumentative person, and hate bad feelings etc - so really dont want to 'fall out' with her....

Any advice?

Neyite

I'd have serious concerns too. I can understand not wanting to set the cat among the pigeons, I'd be a bit harder-hearted myself but if you want to disengage with the minimum amount of aggro then you need to come up with a plausible alternative.

If your youngest is of the age that they qualify for the ECCE scheme, then you can say you are enrolling them in that to avail of the 'free' year. Naturally, since they go to that crèche, it makes sense for your older child to go there too after school.

Or enlist a granny /aunt who needs the work and you couldn't refuse considering its family.

Would it be plausible to say that your partner qualifies for on-site creche facilities at his new work that you'd naturally be daft not to take advantage of that perk of the job? (even if there is no creche, provided that your neighbour might not find out)

You can always quietly change arrangements in a month or so. Failing something like this, you might just need to find your voice and tell her you don't want her minding the children because of her drinking, and cut contact.

pwurple

She sounds unstable. 10 crying phonecalls over you asking her to bring the child home on time? And the potential for drunk-driving children around is scary. It's something I would not consider even risking with my own.

I would line up someone else quickly and quietly, and just mention in passing that your circumstances changed, and this new arrangement suits you better. No need to get into an argument or a slanging match, just be all matter-of-fact about it.

If she is a bit touchy or volatile, she might take offense unless you tread extremely softly, which I know is worrying.


Like Neyite said, a family member, or creche, or even an aupair if you have room. Say you want the children to pick up some language.

Shybride2016

idontwanttobeknown wrote: »

Bit of a dilemma and I am not sure how to handle it!

I have 2 young children - 1 school going / 1 pre-school....and for the past 3 years, I have had my neighbour as our childminder. Now - she is a neighbour - so extremely 'handy' in the mornings, my kids are happy there - never have an issue with them going in etc etc, and she does treat my kids like her own.

However - on a couple of occasions, I have had concerns. These range from, where she has my kids during the day (school hols) - eg beaches (we dont live near one), not being at home with them when I / OH get back (we are never late), to not fitting my youngest car seat properly (refuses to let us do it) - although I have no real evidence of this - I am 100% certain that at times he travels in a booster he is too small / young for, to, having had drink 'on her' when I collect.

The latter problem wasnt every day - but the 'odd' day, I would get a smell of drink, and on one occasion, I would say she was drunk. She had a run-in with another neighbour - and took to the bottle (although didnt tell me that she had had anything - it was extremely obvious). I was really really concerned about this at the time - but vowed to watch closely to see if it would happen again - and it didnt, to that extent.

So, the other day, my OH is at home with the kids in the afternoon - and he bumps into this neighbour - and he said, she was plastered...and had driven home, with her own kids from school, 10 mins before he was talking to her. My OH is not working at the moment, but has work imminent - and our neighbour was 'keeping her services open' for us to return to her when OH got set up again.
We now both have major concerns about sending our kids back - due to the above. She is extremely sensitive....I had words with her last year about keeping my oldest child out with her until 7.30pm on a school night, when I had said I needed her home by 6...when I rang that time - she never answered the phone. That night - I got around 10 calls from her crying down the phone re she was only trying to help ,she took to the bottle again and - in the end, I ended up apologising to her for having words!

Anyhow - issue...my OH has this new role imminent - so we do need a CM. But I am really struggling with going back to her. Dont get me wrong - she has an awful lot of good points - and really is a good neighbour - but, when her day doesnt go to plan - she is volatile (emotional not agressive), and takes to the bottle. Without falling out with her, bearing in mind she is keeping her 'position open' for us - how do I tell her I am going to look for someone else? Really awkward - but I am not an argumentative person, and hate bad feelings etc - so really dont want to 'fall out' with her....

Any advice?

Hi,

I rarely post on these forums but your post has sent chills down my spine, I couldn't ignore it.

If I was in your position there is absolutely no way in hell I would leave my kids with her again, and I certaintly wouldn't worry about offending or upsetting her.

From what you've posted, she is drinking alcohol during the day whilst responsible for children in her care. This is not acceptable in any shape or form, I am so shocked and horrified at this detail and am sorry you're in a difficult position with regard to her being your neighbour also.

If you proceed to tell her you don't require her to mind your kids anymore what's the worst that could happen? She falls out with you but you find another minder you trust to look after your kids in a safe and caring environment.

Finding a suitable minder for your children is a difficult task I know but from your post, neither you nor your husband trust her to look after your kids properly and once that trust is broken it is incredibly difficult to get back. How do you envisage your day going in work knowing and worrying about your kids in this woman's care?

I understand it's difficult for you given that she's a neighbour also, but think of the relationship you have with her as a business one: she minds your kids, you pay her for this service. The service she is providing at the moment: kids home late, car seat difficulties, and drinking alcohol during the day, is not acceptable and would not be acceptable in any other business relationship.

I would urge you strongly to find alternative, more suitable childcare for your children with someone you can trust.

By the way I am writing this as a childminder and a parent.

I would never ever have kids out late, or in wrong car seat, not to mention never drinking alcohol while working. I can honestly say I never take my eye off them the whole time they're awake. Nap times are for toilet breaks and quick sandwiches, the nature of the job! Families circumstances change as children grow and so it's not unusual for children to move minders. It's a privilege to be entrusted with ghe daily care of someone's precious babies and this lady is just not suitable to mind yours any. longer.

The circumstances surrounding why she is drinking are a completely separate issue and she clearly needs help around this, but you shouldn't feel you "have" to have her minding your kids in order to avoid upsetting her. Her personal life should be separate from her work life.

You have done nothing wrong, she however has and will continue to do so by the sounds of it. Again I'm so sorry you're in this situation but you need to make changes here before your kids are endangered.

Not to make this about me but I'm absolutely fuming for you as a minder: this woman has no regard for the safety of your children, nor her own by the sounds of it.


Edited to add: childminding.ie has a countrywide register of minders available to contact. Also your local childcare committee will have a list of minders and crèches in your local area.

lazygal

If needs be, I would tell work there is an emergency and keep your children at home and find a new minder ASAP. There is no way I would send my children to this person tomorrow if there was even one of the issues you have raised in my mind, never mind a string of them. I would not take the risk.

To be blunt, your children are the number one priority here. If this person had mental or emotional difficulties, sorry but that is not your problem and your children should not have to be around her with all of the risks that go with such issues. You are paying for a service here, you're not obliged to overlook such glaring concerns.

byhookorbycrook

I would pull the kids out ASAP, drink driving ??How would you feel knowing she has had drink and your kids in an accident?

m'lady

I wouldn't give a damn about offending her, these are your children and she's taking the p***. Organise appropriate childcare immediately and I'd go so far as suggesting reporting her for drink driving,maybe the guards could keep an eye. People like this sicken me to be honest.

Jerrica

Alcohol is a deal breaker, and I say that as someone who's had to ban a grandparent from being alone with our 8mo because of alcohol issues. I understand that you don't want to offend someone who lives so close and who has provided you with a service, but this is one of those times you put the welfare of your children first and other people's feelings be damned. It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

TyrionPower

Think about the consequences of you childminders behaviour.

You say that she takes to the bottle, refuses to let you put a carseat in correctly so one of your children may not be secured safetly and you hvae also witnessed her drink driving.

Her behaviour makes the risk of a crash much higher then normal, think about the implications of that for your youngest child who may not be fastented in correctly, think about the consequences of that for you child, for you and for the rest of your family....

now make your decision, simple really

amdublin

There's no dilemma here imo.

Find a new childminder asap. To save the peace make up some an excuse for her and stick to it.

Don't get into confrontation or tearful discussions with her just repeat your excuse/mantra over and over again e.g.
"Now that the children are getting older this arrangement suits us better"

_Brian

Given what you have described I can't understand how you could drop them there even one more day !!

Incorrect fitting seats, tendency to drink, long unplanned trips.

Jesus, ours go one evening a week and I'm considering changing because the TV is always switched on for them

maria34

dont leave your kids with her for a minute any more! even when she does it for free. i had problems with my own dad years back and caught him driving drunk to the shop with my little one on the back. i trusted him, he is my dad. after it i cut the contact and didnt talk with him (also he didnt see his kids) till he got help. he rang me and begged, but that didnt help. and he was my dad, not a stranger. well he is now sober for years phew ... but that is just an example.

are you paying her? i mean is she working for you? if so ... when you go to work are you allowed to turn up drunk, leave earlier etc? nope. so shouldnt she.

another thing is trusting your children with that kind of person. who is more important she or your kids?

ps. if you anywhere near me, id help you out.

pwurple

After thinking about this overnight... what about those other children? The ones who's mum is driving them around drunk.

Do you have a responsibility to mention that to her, or someone else? Maybe her husband. I'd hate to think of them being in an accident because they weren't protected.

Sligo1

pwurple wrote: »

After thinking about this overnight... what about those other children? The ones who's mum is driving them around drunk.

Do you have a responsibility to mention that to her, or someone else? Maybe her husband. I'd hate to think of them being in an accident because they weren't protected.

I was wondering about this too! What can you do on that situation???