feel anonymous at work

LegacyUser

hey,

I come home from work depressed most days because I just don't seem to fit in. I feel invisible in there. It probably does not help that I'm very shy. I try to be friendly and ask them questions about their lives, for example, asking about their weekend and their latest vacation, but apart from one person in there, it is never returned. I got married last month and that one person was the only one who asked about it. I mean, I'm not one to go on about stuff and brag, but even just a quick, how was your wedding/honeymoon is surely not too much to hope for is it?

I share an office with a few others and sometimes people and managers come in from other teams, but they always walk past me and go talk to the others. I'm sure a more confident person would just get up and include themselves in the conversation, but I just don't know how to do that. Esp when it seems like they dont care to chat to me in the first place.
When I left today, I said bye and didnt get a response. Today, a guy form another team came into my office and asked the others to go for lunch but not me. That hurts so much.

They aren't horrible people though. I mean when I ask them about things in their lives, they do chat to me and they seem nice, but its just so one sided. They know nothing about me and don't seem bothered to know. I don't know how to change things.

That clip going around last week where Enda Kenny reached out for Obama's handshake but Obama did not see - that made me laugh cos that is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me, and the awkward looking down at his hand is probably what I would do too haha.

Im sure my shyness has a huge part to play, but in a previous job I felt like I got on well with people, despite being he quiet one. I am no longer in Ireland but in Canada and perhaps the workplace over here is not so good for shy people I dont know
But I dont know how to change things...I had accepted my shyness as being part of me, I don't think I can change it now I'm older.

LegacyUser

How long have you been there OP and do they get many new employees, especially from another country? Maybe they are all a bit set in their ways and not sure how to handle you, especially if you are a bit shy.

Why don't you try to build on your friendship with the one employee you get on with & ask them to go for lunch with you some time. This might open doors for you with the others, however be prepared for it to be a slow process.

If it doesn't work out, you may have to accept that you might not fit in that particular company and would be better off working somewhere else. I have worked in a few companies in my time and definitely some have suited me better than others in relation to getting on with colleagues.

Est28

Every work environment is different but I think you're just answering your own question. You're too shy.

If it's an office or some sort of professional envrironment especially, people do what they can to get ahead and that usually means speak up. And speaking up to those that matter in helping them get ahead.

So really you need to speak up. If there's meetings or other work stuff, have opinions, be heard. Then go talk to more people, introduce yourself.

I work in the U.S. I would think Canada is similar in that the work place is a little cut throat. You have to be very, very forward and make your voice heard, then people take notice of you.

MrWalsh

Theres loads of people like that in my current job. I was quite shocked when I started here. I could literally go for the entire day and have no one in the office speak. Im not shy.

Recently some new staff have been hired and it really changed the dynamic because the new people speak. The culture of some of the older staff is to just say nothing, all day long. Its depressing tbh.

LegacyUser

Hey there, I suppose my advice would be not to take it too personally. It is not because you don’t fit in or are invisible, it is because in life most people are completely absorbed by themselves. I have sat in workplace and at lunch and have at times just observed conversations and not spoken and what I have realised is that most people love talking about themselves. So I kind of just accept that now and ask them about their lives, as you have done, i'm more of a listener than a talker so it kinda suits me to a tee . I have in time built small few good friendships with the people I felt were the soundest and whom know how to have a two-way conversation, friendships an take time so don't feel stressed about them.

I think you just have to continue in making those small bits of conversations , asking people about their lives, saying hello and goodbye, maybe saying you are grabbing a coffee and ask if they want to join (don't be offended if they don't because iy might just not suit them just there and then). I know there are some people I say hello and goodbye to which I get no response too!. But gradually some people will become more responsive to you. Don’t worry about not being invited to lunch, don’t take it personally, the people that were invited are probably just a a tight click and could have wanted to discuss things like they normally would, didn’t possibly think of inviting you, In time, people will. And if you know what if they don’t , don’t loose any sleep over it. I worked in Canada for a liitle while and my impression was that they are not really as open and friendly as Irish people would be, albeit they are nice people.

By the way you seem like a very nice , decent person, so people in your workplace will come to appreciate that too. There is nothing wrong with being a shy/quiet person, and from what it seems you do make an effort so fair play to you. Keep up with the pleasantries and chit-chat, but don’t worry too much about it if you are not getting the full responsiveness that you would like, it is not a case of ‘fitting in’, it is a case of other people being self-absorbed.

All the best.

Rubberchikken

being shy or quiet hasn't stopped you moving to canada, getting married (congratulations btw:), and changing jobs, so you're very capable of getting your point across when you need to.

keep being friendly, chat when you can and see how things go. it could be that older, employees are more set in their ways.
you can't change them and you can only behave as you wish to. you sound like a friendly person so keep doing what you're doing. it'll pay off. take care

LegacyUser

InvisibleEmployee wrote: »

hey,
I feel invisible in there.

OP, I wish I could swap with you. I'm constantly getting "hi's" and "howya's'" and I'm so sick and tired of this. Sometimes I feel stupid when I go out to grab my lunch and i cant walk 10m without saying "hi", "how are you doing", "hows it going"... This really annoys me and I come up with really sarcastic answers to people starting the chat such as "Im excellent!" or "living the dream!". I wish I could just walk in, do my stuff listening music with earphones on, bang the door at 5 and leave. Classic example of "grass is always greener"...