Not sure if to go on holiday...

LegacyUser

Wish to remain anon for this, thanks for reading.

My friends who I've known a long time were throwing out ideas of maybe going on a girls holiday this summer. We're all late 20's and we are all in relationships bar one. I was all up for it at first but over the last few days I actually don't think I want to put myself through it

One of my friends (single) is the main reason. While I love her to bits, she really p!sses the rest of us off without even trying. She is a serious hypochondriac and it's at the stage where she ruins plans for us every time we have something to do. We're all fed up, and she knows well how we all feel. But yet here I am, unsure of what to do.

I personally do not want to spend a full week of my time and hard earned money in a sunny country trying to relax, only to have her ruin it for me. We went away years ago and I cant even keep track of the amount of times she snapped at me and the others during the week. She is extremely unhappy in her own life so it makes her very snappy and negative. I only see her once or twice a week and that's enough for me.

I just went through the death of a parent and I really want time to relax and unwind. Now I am at a loss as to what to do now. Originally there were 5 of us going, but 2 have dropped out for their own personal reasons. I think I may have to aswell because I just don't think I cant keep my temper in check with her for 7 days. I wouldn't want an otherwise normal friendship to end if we were to have a massive fall out on holiday, which would definitely affect our group as we are all so close!

I realise I might not look like the bestest friend in the world here, but I do love the girl, it's just that being with her for one whole week might push me to snap, and I am not that person even when I'm going through grief! I just don't feel that I can tolerate her behaviour for that amount of time

Tokyo

It seems pretty straightforward to me OP - if you don't want to spend a week with this person, then don't go. Some friendships work better in small doses, and going along because of some sense of obligation is just going to adversely affect the friendship, if you force yourself into a situation where you're just going to resent being around her (rightfully or not). There's a resonable chance that your other two friends 'personal reasons' may have a lot to do with this person too.

Tell her that you can't go - considering that you have just suffered a loss, you can be somewhat truthful about the reasons why - say that in the aftermath of all that, you need time alone to relax and unwind.

LynnGrace

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

Nothing much to add to what mike has said really.

It can bring the worst out in people being away from home, and from what you have said, she sounds like fairly hard going.
I'd say it now, so that nobody else is counting on you going, or before any plans are put in place. If two have already dropped out, it would mean more exposure to the company of the negative one, also.

Most of all, take care of yourself, and have a nice break somewhere, in due course. It can be a tough time. All the best.

Katgurl

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you should mind yourself here and not go on the holiday if it is going to cause you stress.

dee_mc

Yep I'd have to agree with the others, don't go on the holiday, but do book a little break for yourself, even if its only a weekend in a spa or something - everyone needs a bit of stress relief and/or pampering, particularly when you're grieving.

ChannelNo5

OP i'm interested to know why you felt the need to point out that this 'friend' is single? Is this the problem as you see it?.. Does she want to go out on the pull and the girls in couples don't? I'm trying to understand why she irritates you so much?

She may feel excluded at times from you and the other girls 'club' as she sees it if she is the only single one? If you really do like her as much as you say, could you not take one for the team and have a night out being her wing man?

Having said that, you are looking for different things out of a holiday so it would not be advisable to go away with somebody who you don't feel you could live with for a week. Definitely pull out of the holiday and go somewhere for a quiet week with one like minded friend or your partner

LegacyUser

ChannelNo5 wrote: »

OP i'm interested to know why you felt the need to point out that this 'friend' is single? Is this the problem as you see it?.. Does she want to go out on the pull and the girls in couples don't? I'm trying to understand why she irritates you so much?

She may feel excluded at times from you and the other girls 'club' as she sees it if she is the only single one? If you really do like her as much as you say, could you not take one for the team and have a night out being her wing man?

Having said that, you are looking for different things out of a holiday so it would not be advisable to go away with somebody who you don't feel you could live with for a week. Definitely pull out of the holiday and go somewhere for a quiet week with one like minded friend or your partner

Thanks all for the replies The reason I pointed it out is that it is the one thing in her life that makes her so miserable but she wont do a THING to change it! We all try get her to go out and socialise, we actually go out very often just the girls, we never bring our bfs and she just refuses to come. So what do you do when you try to help someone and they just refuse the help for years? It's not that she irritates me, I love the girl, but there's only so much one can do for their friends.

I usually have a lot of tolerance for people in general but lately I cant. I've really tried my best with her, telling her to go for a full medical so she will stop being a hypochondriac, I've tried encouraging her to go online dating, I've even offered to go out just me and her for cocktails and see if I can help her meet someone out but it's a brick wall I'm up against. So she's stuck in the same miserable circle all the time and it does upset me. I've even suggested she go for CBT or counselling as that can be very helpful to some. Nothing works so I suppose I'm frustrated with her!

ChannelNo5

HeadWreckingFriend? wrote: »

I usually have a lot of tolerance for people in general but lately I cant. I've really tried my best with her, telling her to go for a full medical so she will stop being a hypochondriac, I've tried encouraging her to go online dating, I've even offered to go out just me and her for cocktails and see if I can help her meet someone out but it's a brick wall I'm up against.

OK well this clarifies things somewhat. Nothing for it you're going to have to give up the boyfriend and become single! This will probably make her a bit happier!!

But seriously, the reason i asked is because I've been there and in the end i kind of had to cut the girl loose. I really liked her and we'd been friends a looog time but i became exhausted and frustrated with the situation. You can't help somebody that doesn't want/isn't ready to be helped. and i'd be damned if i was going to spend a week of my hard earned time and money to have my head wrecked.:(

tinkerbell

OP, I dunno why you are even bothering with her so? She doesn't sound like a friend at all, she just sounds like a royal pain in the ass. I'd cut her her loose - what's the point wasting your time on someone who just sucks the life out of you? And I would definitely NOT be going on holidays with her. Let her wallow in her own misery - don't you get dragged down to it as well.

Est28

ChannelNo5 wrote: »

OP i'm interested to know why you felt the need to point out that this 'friend' is single? Is this the problem as you see it?.. Does she want to go out on the pull and the girls in couples don't? I'm trying to understand why she irritates you so much?

She may feel excluded at times from you and the other girls 'club' as she sees it if she is the only single one? If you really do like her as much as you say, could you not take one for the team and have a night out being her wing man?

Having said that, you are looking for different things out of a holiday so it would not be advisable to go away with somebody who you don't feel you could live with for a week. Definitely pull out of the holiday and go somewhere for a quiet week with one like minded friend or your partner

You sound like you're projecting your own issues on the OP.

Op, don't mind this... the single part highlights what this friend is like. She's unhappy and drags everyone down. I've had friends like this and I've had trips like this.

Here's the thing I've learned in life. Real friendship goes both ways. It's not about her being single and you not, or vice versa. Thats not a factor for true friends. But people make it an issue. To me these aren't real friends. We all have a habit of keeping "friends" just because we've known them so long or whatever. Posted here about a few friends of mine like that a while back.
Was a lot happier realizing I was just dragging myself down with them. I don't have a blowup with them, just made them less of a priority and did my own thing.

Surely the other girls feel the same about her. I'd say either don't go and have a little get away yourself or just organize the girls trip without her. She won't be happy doing what you girls want anyway.