What should I do?

LegacyUser

I have had a long time friends with benefits arrangement with a guy whom I trusted completely. We were good friends until last night.

I was in the pub with some friends and he was there. He text me staying he wanted to see me tonight. He then came over and was kissing me and holding my hands and I was delighted coz this was not something we would do in public so I was thinking that maybe we were moving into relationship territory.

As the night went on, his attentions became more aggressive and I had to tell him a few times to cool it and behave himself.

It was the end of the night and I got up to go to the toilet and as I was walking in the toilet doors I heard the bouncer shout his name and tell him he couldn't go into the women's toilet, that's when I realised he had followed me. I rushed into a cubicle and started to try close the door but he was pushing it open but bouncer grabbed him and pulled him out just before he got in and I locked the door.

I could hear a bit of a fuss so stayed in the toilet a few mins but just before I came out I could hear a friend of mine who had already been in the bathrooms shouting at him to get out as he seemed to have attempted to come in again. I came out and was talking to my friend when he tried to come in a 3rd time and my friend pushed him out and was shouting at him. He left and we went back to the rest of our friends and grabbed our stuff to leave.

We went outside and he followed me and grabbed my arm. My mate's boyfriend was about to go mental and kill him and I said I would sort it. I told him to f off and never come near me again and we got into a taxi and started for home.

We were only in the taxi a minute and my phone started to ring and it was him. He also sent me facebook messages asking where I was and if I was coming home with him.

I removed him from facebook when I got home and this morning I had a friend request from him. I deleted it. He requested again and I again deleted it. He messaged me his usual message to me of "story" and "Yeah" for some strange reason. It's like he doesn't realise he scared me or overstepped the mark.

So now I am wondering what I should do. Do I tell the pub to keep an eye and not allow him near me if we are both in there? Do I need counselling coz I thought I was ok but this evening I had my first ever panic attack and am freaked out about meeting him again.

My ex husband tried to rape me and nearly battered down a bathroom door to get at me, I was date raped by an ex and then a friend assaulted me in my house a few years ago so I really can't help but think that maybe it's my fault that I send out some sort of "rape me" signal. A friend of an ex bit my arm once and said he could "taste the sex" off me.

Am really scared and I start a new job tomorrow and am not sure if I can cope.

Littlekittylou

It's like he doesn't realise he scared me or overstepped the mark.

He does. He is scum.

My ex husband tried to rape me and nearly battered down a bathroom door to get at me, I was date raped by an ex and then a friend assaulted me in my house a few years ago so I really can't help but think that maybe it's my fault that I send out some sort of "rape me" signal. A friend of an ex bit my arm once and said he could "taste the sex" off me.

That is what they want you to feel. Just because something bad happened to you does not make you a bad person. It makes you a survivor.

You dictate your boundaries. There is no rape vibe there is no victim vibe.

Tell that guy to go mess with someone else he picked the wrong person.

Tell the pub.

I told him to f off and never come near me again and we got into a taxi and started for home.

Good , how dare he!

freaked out about meeting him again.

Why would you meet him again?? Cut him and everything to do with him out of your life.

I view aggressive men with a cold eye.

Listen you did nothing wrong you are not giving off weird vibes. It can happen to the strongest of people and perfectly nice people of any background, race or gender. Something awful happening does not mean you are a bad person it means THEY is a bad person.

YOU ARE SAFE. YOU ARE STRONG.

You are stronger than him. You hold the power. You can protect yourself. This will not break you. Trust me.

It's not your fault. How could it be? That's absurd. He is pathetic.

No one has the right to treat you like that. You have the right to defend yourself.

Contact the rape crisis center.

Rubberchikken

for starter's he's no friend.
he also has no right to treat you like he did. if he continues pestering you talk to your local garda.

you've definitely done nothing to deserve any of this and don't for one minute think you have.

this guy if not stopped, would have seriously assaulted or raped you. that is not someone to treat lightly.

you need to look out for yourself and realise that a person like this doesn't deserve anything from you.

best of luck with your new job and take care.

Oryx

You dont send signals. You do not cause this stuff. Youve met a series of assholes, thats all.

Don't allow fear to control you. You can defend yourself against horrible men like this. I don't mean in your own or in a physical way, but by using the help of your friends and the gardai. You don't need to be afraid. Talk to a counsellor if you can, you've had a lot of trauma to deal with, it might be an idea to try and work some of it out.

mapaca

OP, none of this was your fault and you are not giving off any 'vibe'. You have met a series of assholes, as another poster said. Take steps to cut this guy out of your life, enlist the help of your friends and the Gardai if needed.

Did you have counselling after your previous experiences? Because you can contact your local rape crisis centre for help anytime, even years after the event.

I hope your first day at work goes well and wish you all the best. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Take care.

Hannibal Smith

No matter how many times you face a situation like this, it's not your fault. It's the person who cannot stop when told to that is to blame and there's nothing wrong with you.

I think it would be a good idea to go to counselling. The path that you're going down with your thinking isn't a good one.

I certainly wouldn't contact anyone who put me in fear like that again.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all so much for the replies and the support. I just feel like I am being overly dramatic or something coz he didn't actually do anything to me but I am now scared that he will.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Why would you meet him again?? Cut him and everything to do with him out of your life.

This is kinda impossible as we live in a small town. We share some very close mutual friends and it is inevitable that our paths will cross again. One of my best mates is his close buddy and it freaks me out to think that I might have to avoid socialising with my friends. I won't let him have that power over me.

I also have something belonging to him that I borrowed some time ago and need to give back. When I went to his house to borrow it he practically dragged me to the room to have sex and even though it had not been on the agenda in my mind I gave in to it coz I was kinda like "why not" and I think looking back I was kinda scared of rejecting him in case when I would want sex I wouldn't get it. I also now wonder if I was scared he would force me if I didn't give in and feel that I haven't returned this item as subconsciously I was worried that he would expect sex even if I wasn't wanting it. I will give the item to a mutual friend and get them to return it. I had considered dropping it at his house when I would know he is in work but my friends have told me I shouldn't go near his house and I think they are right. He might think that I was looking for him and think his behaviour was acceptable.

Work went good and actually distracted me from the whole thing but as soon as I read the replies on this thread it all came back in waves and it has taken me a bit of time to settle down to reply.

As for counselling....I had some while my marriage was breaking down and the counsellor basically made it all out to be my fault so I didn't bring up the attempted rape.

I have had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a PTSD episode but didn't deal with any of the other sexual assaults in those sessions as I didn't feel they were relevant but maybe I will get in contact with my doctor and see about getting referred now.

I feel bad about making a big issue out of this as having been at the receiving end of real sexual violence I feel this almost trivialises it but the feelings of fear and upset over what happened won't go away.

Hannibal Smith

I have had a long time friends with benefits arrangement with a guy whom I trusted completely.

This is how you opened up the thread. From your last post it doesn't seem as if you trusted him altogether.

I've never been in a friends with benefits situation, so I don't know what the rules are per se. But if you don't want to have sex with some one, no matter who it is, you are perfectly within your rights to say so. You've had a run of horrid situations but there is a world of respectful blokes out there who would never cross that line. So always say no if its not what you want and if you feel like you can't say no to a particular guy, end it.

Like every profession, some counsellors are sh*te at their job. I tried one once regarding a situation not too dissimilar to yours and she looked at the clock the whole time.

If you don't think its the avenue for you thats fair enough... Just get out of the blaming yourself mindset, trust your judgement and don't go with it if its not what you want.

derrick.bl

Hope you are feeling well.
I agree with the other replys. You should not have anything more to do with this guy and it is a good idea to have the item returned through a mutual friend.
The guy is wrong and should know better than to act that way.
Even if you lead him on, he did the wrong thing 3 times or more, so that tells you he needs to be kept away.
Nobody can say how you acted because nobody was there but if you are behaving like any other person, I don't think there is anything you have done to make a guy think you like it when they act this way.
From what you say, He is wrong and you did nothing to make him think you did. Sounds like he is into a control thing and expects a girl to follow his lead.
He has a problem so keep him away from you.
Just try to act normally in any situation involving men. If you are wondering all the time then just pay attention to yourself for a bit because you are probably more critical of you than anybody else would be.
While, men can be confused about women and if a woman is up for sex, Basically, most men are to scared of being accused of that type of behavior that they try to make real sure it doesn't happen.
If one seems interested and you are not then just tell them honestly, no, I am not interested or just fib and say you have a boyfriend.
There is a lot a person could tell you but not in one typing.
I hope I didn't repeat myself to much but I am stressing that the guy is wrong and you should not doubt yourself.