Love him, just not in love with him

LegacyUser

Hi. With boyfriend for 3 years. Both 32 years old. I love him but I wonder if I am in love with him. My issues is I don't fancy him, am not interested in having sex with him and our sex life compromises sex ~1-2 times per month as it's a long distance relationship (in the next couple of months we will be moving in together). I do love him though and I want to be with him. I am not looking to meet anyone else and want some helpful advice/encouragement on how to recover a lost spark, particularly as the lack of a sex life is really hurting him and that is the last thing I want.

ZiabR

I think you need to be honest with him for starters and let him know just how you are feeling at the moment. You say you love him but are not in love with him. He needs to know this before you make a move so big as to move in together.

My advice would be to sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling before you guys sign a lease.

Candy_Girl

You need to be honest with yourself and him, if you don't fancy him then he's just like a friend no?

K_P

This seems like a relationship that's just run its course. If there's no spark or no attraction, then there's no future.

I know you're looking for advice on how to rekindle that spark, and it's not something I have advice on particularly. My thinking is that once the spark is gone, it's hard if not impossible to get it back. The initial mad crazy lust you feel for someone at the start of a relationship will always die down a bit, but you should never have to force yourself to feel an attraction for your partner.

Maybe moving in together will reignite something, but my experience of moving in with a partner has been that it's tough. You could go from loving him like a friend to not even liking him all that much. If you decide to break up, it'll be a hell of a lot harder to do when you're moved in and living together. I know it's not really what you want to hear, but you both deserve to be with people that you love, desire and are attracted to.

Sleepy

The thing he'll most be looking forward to in moving into a new place with you will be "christening" every room in the house/apartment and how you'll be able to have sex every night from now on.

If that thought is filling you with dread or guilt rather than excitement leave him so he can be with someone who actually loves him.

DeltaWhite

Sorry OP, but I really believe that you will be setting you and him up for a lifetime of hurt if you continue this road. This is just based on first post from you.

I dont think moving in together is going to change your sex life either. If you arent attracted to him, he is going to be sorely disappointed when you move in and there is no sex. He is already hurting about it you say? Were you ever attracted to him? What was your sex life like when you first got together? Sorry if intrusive, but when you do have sex, is it in anyway enjoyable for you both? Or is it more like a chore?


Definitely think you need to hold off moving in.. have a face to face talk first.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm going through something similar. Been with my boyfriend 3 years but I feel sick at the thought of being intimate with him and there is no spark in the relationship at all. I'm not sure what to do. Its so tough because I cant imagine parting ways with him, we've shared so much together.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I agree with you logik that he and I need to talk about this and that we should have done this ages ago. Since we started going out, it has been long distance and I feel that meeting up at weekends and on holidays it's been hard to have an authentic relationship. We've always been on our best behaviour and the moment has never been pushed 'to its crisis'. In truth, we have never really fought in our three years together.

Deltawhite, yes I can tell that he is hurt by my response to his advances. Particularly this last year, I just am not into sex that much anymore and he goes a bit quiet and unresponsive afterwards. I questioned him about this and he told me he was upset at having been turned down. At the start of the relationship, I was definitely more into the sexual side of things and although the sex is really, really good (probably the best I've ever had), I'm disconnected from him and haven't felt the strong sense of attraction or want that I did with other partners I've really fancied.

What I want to know is...if I'm willing and able can I rescue this. As in my first post, I don't want anyone else, my head hasn't been turned and I'm not mooning after other guys. Although I don't really fancy him, can I work on this and make this happen? I know that I need to talk to my guy to make him aware (how do I even do this?) that he may be settling for a person who for whatever crazy reason just doesn't fancy him. But from my point of view, I am happy with the relationship. He is in every respect an amazing boyfriend and friend and I really would be the loser if I let him go over just one aspect of the relationship.

Aargh, I know this sounds like a bundle of contradictions.

Neyite

Is it your libido in general, or specifically in relation to him- hormonal contraceptive or other meds or hormonal imbalance can cause sex drive to suffer, so rule out physical causes too.

Stavro Mueller

In recent months there have been quite a few threads started here from deeply unhappy men trapped in celibate marriages/relationships with women who won't have sex with them. For both your sakes, don't go down that route. If you are thinking the way you are now, it's madness to be even thinking of moving in together. What is it that you think will change? You are thinking like someone who believes an iffy relationship can be changed by a ring going on the finger or by having kids. All that moving in together will do is make it harder for either of you to leave. Think of the logistics if nothing else. I can't see it doing either of you any good mentally either. You'll both experience a bad relationship and your poor boyfriend's self-esteem will be affected.

The only thing I can suggest is to visit your GP and check that you're medically OK. Just in case your not wanting sex is to do with low libido and a medical issue. Other than that, I think you are like a lemming heading towards the edge of a cliff. I can very much understand why you want to fancy your boyfriend again but I fear you are asking the impossible. Is there any way you can call a halt to this moving in together? I hope one of you isn't leaving a job for this. You need to talk this out with him and see where it goes from there.

zeffabelli

don'twanttohurthim wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. I agree with you logik that he and I need to talk about this and that we should have done this ages ago. Since we started going out, it has been long distance and I feel that meeting up at weekends and on holidays it's been hard to have an authentic relationship. We've always been on our best behaviour and the moment has never been pushed 'to its crisis'. In truth, we have never really fought in our three years together.

Deltawhite, yes I can tell that he is hurt by my response to his advances. Particularly this last year, I just am not into sex that much anymore and he goes a bit quiet and unresponsive afterwards. I questioned him about this and he told me he was upset at having been turned down. At the start of the relationship, I was definitely more into the sexual side of things and although the sex is really, really good (probably the best I've ever had), I'm disconnected from him and haven't felt the strong sense of attraction or want that I did with other partners I've really fancied.

What I want to know is...if I'm willing and able can I rescue this. As in my first post, I don't want anyone else, my head hasn't been turned and I'm not mooning after other guys. Although I don't really fancy him, can I work on this and make this happen? I know that I need to talk to my guy to make him aware (how do I even do this?) that he may be settling for a person who for whatever crazy reason just doesn't fancy him. But from my point of view, I am happy with the relationship. He is in every respect an amazing boyfriend and friend and I really would be the loser if I let him go over just one aspect of the relationship.

Aargh, I know this sounds like a bundle of contradictions.

Thing is.....you may love him....but he is feeling rejected over and over again....and this attrtition is not going to be good for him...and therefore not the relationship...and therefore not you either.

It's one aspect of the relationship, but it's an essential one.

fits

Im going to add in a different point of view. Long distance relationships are weird. You can get very disconnected from your partner. When you add that to the normal ebb and flow of relationships and libido it can lead to a lull. I wouldnt write it off just yet. A few weeks after you move in together go for a weekend away and do whatever you do to feel sexy..and see how you go fron there.

However if you know definitely now that youre not attracted anymore well maybe you shouldnt move in.

pookie82

fits wrote: »

Im going to add in a different point of view. Long distance relationships are weird. You can get very disconnected from your partner. When you add that to the normal ebb and flow of relationships and libido it can lead to a lull. I wouldnt write it off just yet. A few weeks after you move in together go for a weekend away and do whatever you do to feel sexy..and see how you go fron there.

However if you know definitely now that youre not attracted anymore well maybe you shouldnt move in.

I dunno ... my experience of long distance is that you can't wait to get your first second alone when you DO meet up and you tear the clothes off each other.

I would have thought the "meh" feelings towards sex only start to build when you move in together and it's available every day!

OP yes, there are a couple of things you can try. Firstly make sure it's not a medical/chemical issue. Examine whether something like a contraceptive pill or other medication you're on might be the cause of a loss of libido. You say your head hasn't been turned and you don't want anyone else ... so the issue seems to be more about your lack of sex drive in general than your lack of a drive with HIM.

Try the weekend away, bring lingerie, dress up, make an effort to feel sexy, go for dinner, do something romantic, see if there's any spark. But I would do this BEFORE you move in together.

Moving in together is no small feat, I assume you'll be signing leases and physically moving for days/weeks. It's a big risk and a lot to rewind if you find 3 weeks in you're flogging a dead horse, and very unfair to him.

Although you can't imagine your life without him, that's normal after a few years. We're generally creatures of habit who resist change; I know I am! That doesn't mean you should stick to a sexless relationship and make that your fate for life. It's not fair to either of you.