I'm in love with my friend

emmajane787

Long story I’ll cut this as short as possible

Whilst living in NZ I become really good friends with this girl we moved in together with others and I suddenly started to have feelings for her, I always knew I liked girls as well as boys but never felt the way I did about a girl like the way I felt with her.
We become very flirty and close and one night we were both drunk and we kissed a few times.. we never brought it up again. She was still very close with me we use to sleep in the same bed some nights cuddling laughing etc.
I tried it again with her one night drunk but she rejected me and just laughed it off.
It came to a point where I felt like I needed to confront her about how I was feeling cause she was all i was thinking about and I wanted more than friendship with her, I never had the courage to say anything and I guess deep down I knew she didn't want anything as she soon become quite distant and less touchy and flirty and chatted to me less and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

I got a job transfer which meant I had to move to a diff city.. she encouraged me to go, it was so hard leaving her and I felt very miserable and all I could think about was her..
Few weeks later and she starts seeing this guy, it killed me when she told me but I had to be a friend in the situation and let on I was happy for her.
I went back for a visit a couple of weeks ago and it was horrible, it killed me and up setted me known that she was after getting serious with this guy and things had just changed so much since the last time I’d seen her and lived with her.
She opened up to me about the relationship and talked about maybe ending it and moving to the city I was in cause she felt she wasn't happy where she was, I was so excited and happy. few weeks passed and she was happy again and going strong with the guy so is staying put where she is. Again I felt miserable over this, cause I was after been looking forward to having her back around me again.

She flew down the other night just for 2 days to see her cousin who was travelling, I met up with her for dinner and drinks and tells me she is moving in with the guy and things are pretty serious with them. Not just saying this cause how I feel about her but the guy is a di*k and is obvious just using her and is going back home to the uk in a few months so I know it most likely won’t last. Putting that aside its killed me when she told me how serious they where and moving in with him.

Both our visa’s are up in august and we decided months back ago that we would go to Aus together but she never really wants to discuss plans there and is just like we’ll sort it when the time comes.

Basically I’m in love with her, I sit by phone all day waiting for a text or call, I look back on pics form when we lived with each other of nights out etc and when I talk to her lately I just get upset cause it’s all about her new life with this guy and it’s not the same chats and laughs we use to have. I myself have a great group of friends where I am now but just can’t seem to find the happiness I felt when I was living with her and hanging out her. It starting to bother how obsessed I'm after becoming over all this cause I know deep deep down that we’ll never be more than just good friends but I guess part of me hopes that one day it might happen and I keep thinking if she was the way she was with me when we first met there was defiantly some kind attraction and want at some point and maybe that will come back to her one day..

The obvious thing I know people will tell me to do is cut her out of my life but I can’t do that, she’ll wonder why and putting my feelings aside she’s an amazing friend and someone who has been there for me through a lot.
I guess what I’m looking for here is some advice on how I should not be so obsessive over this and stop feeling miserable over how happy I was when I was living with her and has anyone been in a similar situation or what should I do here?

Thanks

ColeTrain

The bottom line is she is not into girls. No matter what you do, that more than likely will never change. She will always just see you as a friend. You have to accept that.

It's impossible to remain friends with someone you love. If you remain friends and text/call each other a lot, you're only hurting yourself.

It is hard to do but cutting contact and moving on really is the best thing for you here. It doesn't matter what she thinks either, you have to do what's best for yourself.

emmajane787

ColeTrain wrote: »

The bottom line is she is not into girls. No matter what you do, that more than likely will never change. She will always just see you as a friend. You have to accept that.

It's impossible to remain friends with someone you love. If you remain friends and text/call each other a lot, you're only hurting yourself.

It is hard to do but cutting contact and moving on really is the best thing for you here. It doesn't matter what she thinks either, you have to do what's best for yourself.

Thanks. Given that she we use to sleep in the same bed cuddling and flirting and she defiantly led me on and we kissed would that not maybe suggest that she is maybe bi and maybe less comfortable about than I am.. possibly afraid?

ShowMeTheCash

emmajane787 wrote: »

Long story I’ll cut this as short as possible

Whilst living in NZ I become really good friends with this girl we moved in together with others and I suddenly started to have feelings for her, I always knew I liked girls as well as boys but never felt the way I did about a girl like the way I felt with her.
We become very flirty and close and one night we were both drunk and we kissed a few times.. we never brought it up again. She was still very close with me we use to sleep in the same bed some nights cuddling laughing etc.
I tried it again with her one night drunk but she rejected me and just laughed it off.
It came to a point where I felt like I needed to confront her about how I was feeling cause she was all i was thinking about and I wanted more than friendship with her, I never had the courage to say anything and I guess deep down I knew she didn't want anything as she soon become quite distant and less touchy and flirty and chatted to me less and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

I got a job transfer which meant I had to move to a diff city.. she encouraged me to go, it was so hard leaving her and I felt very miserable and all I could think about was her..
Few weeks later and she starts seeing this guy, it killed me when she told me but I had to be a friend in the situation and let on I was happy for her.
I went back for a visit a couple of weeks ago and it was horrible, it killed me and up setted me known that she was after getting serious with this guy and things had just changed so much since the last time I’d seen her and lived with her.
She opened up to me about the relationship and talked about maybe ending it and moving to the city I was in cause she felt she wasn't happy where she was, I was so excited and happy. few weeks passed and she was happy again and going strong with the guy so is staying put where she is. Again I felt miserable over this, cause I was after been looking forward to having her back around me again.

She flew down the other night just for 2 days to see her cousin who was travelling, I met up with her for dinner and drinks and tells me she is moving in with the guy and things are pretty serious with them. Not just saying this cause how I feel about her but the guy is a di*k and is obvious just using her and is going back home to the uk in a few months so I know it most likely won’t last. Putting that aside its killed me when she told me how serious they where and moving in with him.

Both our visa’s are up in august and we decided months back ago that we would go to Aus together but she never really wants to discuss plans there and is just like we’ll sort it when the time comes.

Basically I’m in love with her, I sit by phone all day waiting for a text or call, I look back on pics form when we lived with each other of nights out etc and when I talk to her lately I just get upset cause it’s all about her new life with this guy and it’s not the same chats and laughs we use to have. I myself have a great group of friends where I am now but just can’t seem to find the happiness I felt when I was living with her and hanging out her. It starting to bother how obsessed I'm after becoming over all this cause I know deep deep down that we’ll never be more than just good friends but I guess part of me hopes that one day it might happen and I keep thinking if she was the way she was with me when we first met there was defiantly some kind attraction and want at some point and maybe that will come back to her one day..

The obvious thing I know people will tell me to do is cut her out of my life but I can’t do that, she’ll wonder why and putting my feelings aside she’s an amazing friend and someone who has been there for me through a lot.
I guess what I’m looking for here is some advice on how I should not be so obsessive over this and stop feeling miserable over how happy I was when I was living with her and has anyone been in a similar situation or what should I do here?

Thanks

Look, I feel bad for you reading this post, you met someone you connect with then and you fell in love it is almost poetic.... But the feeling was not retruned
Unrequited love hurts, why do you think we have so many love songs and movies about it...

People might say you need to cut her out and the reason they will say this is it will probably stop or hinder your ability to move on.

This is not really a break up, you are in love with someone you cannot have! It sucks...

I would not fixate too much on the current relationship she is in, this is not the reason she is not with you, if she wanted to be with you she would be with you.

Eventually you will move on with yourlife you will meet someone knew, maybe that is not going to be today but I am confident you will be happy!

You gave it a go and you put your heart on the line, it maybe did not go your way but people like you who will take a chance rarely end up miserable.

To say something cliche there are plenty of more fish in the sea!

ColeTrain

emmajane787 wrote: »

Thanks. Given that she we use to sleep in the same bed cuddling and flirting and she defiantly led me on and we kissed would that not maybe suggest that she is maybe bi and maybe less comfortable about than I am.. possibly afraid?

I never had the courage to say anything and I guess deep down I knew she didn't want anything as she soon become quite distant and less touchy and flirty and chatted to me less and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.

Just going by what you posted, she doesn't seem interested.

You also seem to be holding out hope that she might be and that's going to hurt you.

Typer Monkey

Unfortunately OP you are suffering from unrequited love. It happens all the time. I don't think you should be focussing in on the fact that you are both girls, if she felt the same way about you, you would be together. Look at the evidence..she rejected your advances, she's with someone else, she regularly tells you how serious they are, she avoids making future plans with you.

If you can't be just friends with her then you really should limit your contact, for your own sake. if you feel like she'd be confused if you limit contact then you could lay your cards on the table and have an honest conversation with her. Tell her you love her and are tormented by just being friends. Tell her you want to be together properly. You can judge how you go forward from her response.

It's difficult but you'll get through it. You need to take some action though as wishing and hoping and overthinking is driving you crazy.

Shrap

emmajane787 wrote: »

Thanks. Given that she we use to sleep in the same bed cuddling and flirting and she defiantly led me on and we kissed would that not maybe suggest that she is maybe bi and maybe less comfortable about than I am.. possibly afraid?

Maybe, but OP...it makes no difference. She's with someone, and regardless of whether he's right for her or not, she's clearly committed to the relationship. I'd say this to anyone who's in love with an attached friend....you're holding yourself back by pouring over and over the possibilities of your fantasy world. You HAVE to wean yourself off this attraction, because it's going nowhere fast.

I'd also suggest that if this Australia trip together does come up, you will be travelling with someone who doesn't know you're in love with them, and that would fall under false pretences for me, in a friendship. Like with all unrequited love situations, you can't be friends with this person until you've gone off them - whether through falling in love with someone else, or just through time and distance. Hard luck OP It's tough, but it happens to most people at some stage in their lives...

Wompa1

emmajane787 wrote: »

Thanks. Given that she we use to sleep in the same bed cuddling and flirting and she defiantly led me on and we kissed would that not maybe suggest that she is maybe bi and maybe less comfortable about than I am.. possibly afraid?

Went out with a girl who ended up cheating on me with a girl and leaving me. She was studying psychology, she told me she was straight, she was curious during the phase when every girl was kissing a girl, it was the thing to do. She said she tried and it didn't feel right...yet this happened.

She then sent me some study that suggested women exeperience sexual fluditity, meaning they go with the breeze, basically.

I don't know how true that is but it might explain why she was kicking the tires by kissing you and being flirty but then ended up with a guy. It was an actual legitimate study but I've learned over the last few years that psychological studies are usually BS. So take that for whatever it's worth. You could be right. Maybe she's Bi but prefers men for some reason.

cloudatlas

If you can't cut her out then you have to move on, join groups try to meet other women, get back on the horse so to speak and distract yourself. Mooning over her is not helping and as you said yourself it is making you miserable, she will never want you with or without this guy in her life you have to accept that.

Stavro Mueller

I get the impression that this girl may have messed around with you because she was curious and possibly experimenting a bit. To make the jump from that to bi-sexual may be a bit much. I think that her rejection the second time and her becoming quite distant, less touchy, flirty and chatty says as lot. She possibly realised that she had bitten off more than she could chew and had on her hands a female admirer. The messing around may have satisfied her curiosity about women and/or convinced her that it would be men all the way from now on. I think she knows how you feel about her and she does not want to go there.

This job transfer you got - you say she encouraged you to go. The cynic in me is thinking she wanted you gone because she didn't want to be dealing with a wannabe lesbian lover. Knowing that one of your friends fancies you but you don't fancy them back is an awkward feeling. It happened to me and I just couldn't stay friends after that.

Most people will tell you that once their friends start settling down, their friendships are never the same again. Even without the lesbian issue lurking in the background, it's likely that you and her might not have the same sort of friendship now that she's in a relationship. As for this boyfriend of hers, don't bank on their relationship ending in a few months time. If it has got to the moving in stage it may be more serious than you want it to be. Plans can change so don't be surprised if he stays on or she moves. Regardless of what happens, you are very much on the outside here.

What I've noticed here is your inability to read the signals of what your friend's *not saying*. It's very easy to build up that fantasy in your head - that this guy's simply a romantic interlude and that somehow you'll get her back. Don't bank either on that trip to Australia happening. She's fobbing you off for two reasons. The first being she's waiting to see what pans out with her boyfriend. The second being her not really wanting to go with someone who she knows has the hots for her. I'm squirming just thinking about it.

My feeling is that this friendship is going to fizzle out of its own accord. It's starting down that road already from what I can see. If your friend and her boyfriend stay together that process will accelerate. If not I can't see things ever going back to the way they were. There's too much water gone under that bridge.

R.D. aka MR.D

This might sound a little bit harsh but I think that you are being unfair to your friend and her boyfriend. You are not this girl's friend, you are in love with her.

If I read it correctly, you never actually came out and told her your feelings so presumably she is thinking that you and her are friends. If you can't just be her friend and she doesn't want to be with you then you need to get yourself out of her life.

However, if she knows that you are in love with her and she is leading you on, well, that's not very nice. Why would you want to be with someone so cruel?