How to Regain his Attention?

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time boards user here going anon.

I'll keep this short and sweet with a little bit of backstory. I'm in my early 20's, not long out of a very serious long term relationship. Met a guy through friends. He did a good bit of chasing, asked me for my number several times before I gave it to him, text me a few days later when I didn't reply to his previous message, etc. He asked me on a date and after about 2 more weeks of flirty banter I agreed.

We went on two dates within a few days of each other and I was hooked, which was ironic seeing as at the start he was far more interested in me than I was in him. We haven't slept together, but we have had sexual contact, and while I would by no means consider myself inexperienced in that department, he is on a whole other level and I find it intimidating. Its almost like I melt in his company and I can't say no to him.

Since we went on our second date I feel like he's lost interest, his texts are a few words long compared to the essays he was writing before and he's putting in very little effort, only talking about physical contact and not asking me about ME, which he had always done before.

He has referred to "next time" we see each other several times but as of yet he hasn't specified when this will be.

He has me in a corner and he knows it. I need to regain some of the control here because its all on his terms and he has an upper hand, I feel. I know its my own fault for giving in so quickly (I wouldn't normally be like that at all..But the man is gifted!) and I regret it cause I feel like I may have given him the wrong impression.

How do I get back his attention? My first instinct is to stop replying to his texts and calls for a few days..But I don't think I'll be able to resist and I'm afraid I'll push him further away.
He is the first man I've had any interest in since my ex and I feel helpless. It feels so unfair seeing as it was him who did all the chasing and now I'm the one sitting at home looking at my phone every 2 minutes!

Any boardsies have advice?

TIA

Dog of Tears

wrong impression wrote: »

My first instinct is to stop replying to his texts and calls for a few days.

What?

You seem to be more concerned about playing games than developing a mature relationship.

wrong impression wrote: »

He has referred to "next time" we see each other several times but as of yet he hasn't specified when this will be.

Why don't you ask him out?
You don't have to sit around waiting for hiom to do all the chasing you know.

Maybe he finds you too much 'work'.

The Princess Bride

wrong impression wrote: »

.....he is on a whole other level and I find it intimidating. Its almost like I melt in his company and I can't say no to him.........

He has me in a corner and he knows it. I need to regain some of the control here because its all on his terms and he has an upper hand, I feel. I know its my own fault for giving in so quickly (I wouldn't normally be like that at all..But the man is gifted!) and I regret it cause I feel like I may have given him the wrong impression.

How do I get back his attention?

TIA

I'm not quite sure as to why you'd want to get back his attention, to be honest.

I don't think I'd be at all comfortable in a relationship with someone where I feel intimidated, or where my partner wants to have the upper hand,have things on their terms? That element of "control" would have me running far away!

For the record, I don't think you gave in too quickly-2 weeks of communication before a date? Not quick at all.

Perhaps ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship where someone is controlling?
I've been there, it's not pleasant.

Oryx

Stop looking at your phone. Get out and live your life exactly as you did before he came along. Thats how YOU regain control of YOU. Let him do what he wants. Tbh all this talk if intimidation and control does not sound like the start of a healthy relationship. Back away and regain some perspective.

Rubberchikken

tbh i'd say walk away.
just from your post i get a feeling he's not worth your time.
maybe he's just playing you. maybe he's realised that you might want to be a little bit more serious than he or even you thought.

some guys love the chase but aren't interested in anything else. you have to decide if that's what you want from this guy.

good luck

Call me Al

Rubberchikken wrote: »

tbh i'd say walk away.
just from your post i get a feeling he's not worth your time.
maybe he's just playing you. maybe he's realised that you might want to be a little bit more serious than he or even you thought.

some guys love the chase but aren't interested in anything else. you have to decide if that's what you want from this guy.

good luck

Totally agree with this, and especially the bit underlined.
Only you can decide if you are ok to settle for this kind of behaviour from anyone. You'll be on the back foot and never know where you stand with a person who behaves like this. Are you happy with that?

Personally the mental gymnastics would have me exhausted. Life's too short to be wasting it on a guy who doesn't seem to be taking you seriously unless it suits himself.

Littlekittylou

I have zero sexual interest in controlling men. Quite the opposite actually.

Whatever your sexual kick is you can find someone emotionally mature to be with.

We haven't slept together, but we have had sexual contact, and while I would by no means consider myself inexperienced in that department, he is on a whole other level and I find it intimidating. Its almost like I melt in his company and I can't say no to him.

He is just looking for a f**k buddy.

But it's perfectly possible to find amazing sexual tension with an emotionally mature person who is also into YOU , now what would that feel like?

What is he into sexually? Or more importantly what are YOU into sexually? Find out what sex is to him.

Never go down a path of sexual exploration with someone who can't be straight with you.

maybe he's realised that you might want to be a little bit more serious than he or even you thought.

This.

It seems quite clear he is looking for something purely physical. My reaction is to truly genuinely wish him all the happiness in the world finding that with someone else.

You should be direct, be honest. Don't play games. But to be honest I would wager he simply will drop you as some as you are direct. The moment he realizes you want more or that he cannot use you he will move on.

If you are interested in trying new things sexually you don't have to do it with this one guy. This could actually be a positive jump off point for you to learn about yourself that way.

I can't say no to him.

Try some sort of war cry. It works for me.

LegacyUser

OP here. Just to clarify a few things:

By intimidating I mean, as someone who is out of a long term comfortable relationship, I feel he is far more experienced and more adventurous than I am. He hasn't made this an issue but I find it intimidating.

And by control, I meant he is in control, the ball is in his court because I've made it clear I like him and while he reciprocated wholly initially (if not more than me) he has gone a bit cold since our second date. Not that he is a controlling person. He has the upper hand because he knows I'm very interested, whereas before, he was chasing me.

If anything I'm surprised by his sudden change..Before our dates he made it clear that he isn't into casual relationships and that he wouldn't be interested in casual hook ups with me, and that if this was too much for me (having just come out of a relationship) he'd prefer to cut his losses then and there rather than go on the date at all.

I appreciate the advice and I think I'm going to let it fizzle out. Now my only issue is that I left some expensive jewelry at his house the last time I was there, and I don't know how to go about getting it back without making it look like I'm desperate to see him.

We last spoke yesterday, and he didn't reply to my last message. When would be acceptable to get in contact again just to arrange getting my stuff back?

I've been out of the dating game a long time and I'm rusty when it comes to current social norms for stuff like this.

TIA.

LuckyLloyd

'Hi, I left some jewelry at your place last time I was over, can I call over to collect it or maybe meet you somewhere to grab it?'

Then you collect your jewelry and...say goodbye if that's what you want.

Or if you actually want to go on a date then ask him on a date as advised up thread.

I wouldn't spend more time worrying about who has the upper hand or how long you should wait to arrange getting your valuable possessions back!

Rubberchikken

Just send a txt asking when's a good time to call to collect jewellery.
I hope you gave better luck finding someone who deserves you.
Take care

Electric Sheep

wrong impression wrote: »

I appreciate the advice and I think I'm going to let it fizzle out. Now my only issue is that I left some expensive jewelry at his house the last time I was there, and I don't know how to go about getting it back without making it look like I'm desperate to see him .

Snort...Accidentally left it there, of course:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Snort...Accidentally left it there, of course:rolleyes:

Things were going really well when I left it there and I had no reason not to think I wouldn't be seeing him there. It was an accident.

I left an extremely expensive item my elderly and ill mother bought me when I graduated from college there, and I'm so worried that I won't get it back so your smart attitude is neither appreciated nor respected.

In case you missed my last post, I've given up on the prospect of going any further with this man and I'm now concentrating on getting my stuff back before I cut him out completely.

There's no need to be so insulting. But thanks for the smart comment when my confidence is already in bits.

Tokyo

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Snort...Accidentally left it there, of course:rolleyes:

Electric Sheep - the snide, unhelpful comments are unwelcome in the Personal Issues forum, particularly in light of the recent forum announcement. Yellow carded, and don't post in this thread again.

Regards,
Mike

Littlekittylou

extremely expensive item

Well then, if you were texting me I would totally understand you needing to get your item back.

strobe

TBh it just sounds like he's grown a bit tired of always being the one showing an interest. It was him constantly asking for your number, him chasing you for two weeks, him texting you until he got a reply, then two pretty good dates which I'm guessing he suggested both times, him being the leader sexually, and still him always being expected to text first and suggest another date and still do the running. Think for a second if the situation was reversed. You had done all those things and still no initiative from him. Would you not start to lose interest a bit? Think he probably wasn't that enthusiastic? Playing hard to get often reads as just not bothered their arse, or someone that's all about the childish mind games and likes the idea of being chased more than the idea of actually being together. If you actually like him why not show a bit of enthusiasm, there's a fairly big opening lit with huge gigantic neon signs for you to suggest another date when he says "next time we see each other", why not take one of them. Men like to feel like the other person is actively interested, and not just going along for the ride, too.

Wompa1

It shouldn't be this much of a headf*ck so early on. Get your Jewellery back and then leave him alone.

Littlekittylou

Wompa1 wrote: »

It shouldn't be this much of a headf*ck so early on. Get your Jewellery back and then leave him alone.

Agreed get your Jewellery thing back and move on.

Did you ever think that while you are giving this absent person all your thoughts you might be missing something really amazing passing you by?

It didn't work. It sounds like it's no one's fault it just didn't spark into anything concrete. That happens. Wish him the best and move on.

Don't let something real pass you by for something that's not.

Find someone who wants you as much as you want them. Find someone where communication is clearer and easier between you.

beks101

Ugh, your posts have just reminded me why I hated dating so much.

Sounds like the chase was over and he lost interest. Think about your actions and how he responded to them. Chase chase chase like a dog with a bone when you were slow to react to him - long and persistent texts when you didn't reply, repeatedly asking you out when you wouldn't give an answer, talk of how much he liked you and wanted something serious before you had even made up your mind about him.

Then you give in to his whims, go on a few dates and fall for him and he won't even reply to your text messages? After two dates? How can you expect to have any kind of a meaningful relationship with someone like this, when their interest in you is based on winning your attention for their own ego boost?

Maybe he did initially like you, but what I've found is that when someone seems like a "challenge" or something we can't have; sometimes we convince ourselves we want it more than we do. Maybe he's a player or maybe he's just immature; either way, if he's not responsive to you after 2 dates and his expressions of interest have turned into no more than sexual comments and how much he wants to fcuk you etc, what more do you need to know?

He sounds like the very definition of hot and cold and I suspect the way you get this lad's attention again is by disappearing off the radar and acting like he doesn't exist, but in all honesty do you want to live your life that way? Aren't you worth a little bit more than that?

I've dated a lot of men in my time and the one lesson I've taken from it all is IF THEY ARE INTERESTED YOU WILL KNOW. You won't be left hanging on text messages or be left without their company for too long.

Call him up and tell him you'll be stopping by to collect your stuff at Xpm tomorrow. Then go and get your jewellery, be polite and curt but don't stick around and don't get into any emotional conversations. You have no future with this chap.

fits

strobe wrote: »

TBh it just sounds like he's grown a bit tired of always being the one showing an interest. It was him constantly asking for your number, him chasing you for two weeks, him texting you until he got a reply, then two pretty good dates which I'm guessing he suggested both times, him being the leader sexually, and still him always being expected to text first and suggest another date and still do the running. Think for a second if the situation was reversed. You had done all those things and still no initiative from him. Would you not start to lose interest a bit? .

I cant disagree with this post enough. I know this kind of guy. As others said if its this much of a headache already, its going nowhere. Take back control. Get your jewellery and move on.

LegacyUser

OP here again, thanks for all the replies.

Taking the advice I was given I decided to give him a wide berth for a few days while I gathered my thoughts and planned how I was going to get my stuff back.

As I suspected, he was like a dog with a bone. The second I stopped showing interest he was all over me again. Constant phone calls and texts at all hours.
The icing on the cake was when a friend tagged me on FB in a picture with a male friend, in which we looked very close. The day I was tagged in it, he rang me (I didn't answer) and left me a voicemail saying he was going to call to my house as he wanted to see me. I received about 4-5 more texts that day alone begging me to meet up with him.

I do believe he liked me at one point but it seems its all about the chase for him, which he proved to me when I started ignoring him. I have no interest in such childish games so I arranged to meet him to retrieve my jewelry and sent him on his merry way.

Thanks for the replies..I'm new to this game and maybe I needed some tough love to gain perspective. I appreciate those who took the time to reply to me.

stop animal cruelty

you go girl!!

strobe

Hmm.

Well you've made your decision, hope it works out. Still think in future if you knock the playing hard to get silliness on the head you'll avoid having to ask yourself or others 'how do I regain his attention?' again as frequently. Be straight with people and they'll be far more likely to be straight with you, not to say this guy wasn't. Show your interest in people, and they'll be far more likely to stay interested in you. If you like someone, don't gamble with pretending you don't, people don't like that, it doesn't feel good.

Best of look going forward.

In this case it's hard to know.
It could have been a guy who was only interested in the chase
Or he could have been genuinely interested but you just didn't reciprocate, pick up on his hints at another date, and then you're with someone else on fb and he's dying to know wtf is going on.

Either way in the future i suggest you put in more effort and if someone is hinting at a 3rd date having arranged the first two then respond on it. For your own sake as much as anything else, so you're not always sitting around waiting to be told where to go and what to do.