Inlawtrouble

LegacyUser

Hi There
I would really appreciate some advice.
I moved to my partners home town 5 years and I feel like everyone hates me there. Its a very clicky village. His family just ignore me and I had trouble before with his sister and I tried to forgive and forget and move past it. She basically made up things and constantly ignored me , I confronted it to try to solve the problem but it blew up in my face and I came out the worst end of it.
His family have never made any effort with me. I used to get along great with his mother, but not so much since the issue with his sister as they are attached at the hip.
I ve told my partner I don't want to live there anymore. I have no friends there , very lonely. I have made some friends through work from outside of there but it is just not enough.
I want to start a family and I know I wont get the support I will need from his family.
I have looked for jobs in my hometown for my partner and there are none. So now I am faced with this dilemma. should I knock us on the head altogether?
I don't want but I am happy when I think of a future with out his family in it. Its not an option for us to move. I have stayed 5 years and fooled myself into thinking that it will get better and it never will. I have told myself I don't need friends or support I am strong enough to do it on my own with him but I am not.
I wrote a post here 3 years ago saying I was unhappy there etc and people posted saying join a club etc. I have done all that and I meet people I get on with , but I just long to have someone to pop around for a cup of tea to like I can at home and I will never have that there. !

I am actually thinking of throwing away my future with my partner now for the sake of getting out of that place and never having to look back and meet his family again.
I cant say they have done anything wrong to me lately , just simply ignore me. They will be polite and talk when we bump into each other but that isit. I don't exist to them and I never will.
My partner has tried to talk to them before and ask is there a problem and they say no- sure we talk to her when we meet her etc. Its either bull or they are the most ignorant people ive ever met.

When I told him I was moving the first thing I felt was relief.. I cant go through this loneliness anymore.. its not all the time. I go through these stages and then I talk myself through it and tell myself I can do it and try to imagine things better... but they don't get better....
Please help.. should I through away my relationship over this.. I am in my mid thirties.. im no spring chicken..

Queen-Mise

Is your partner willing to move?

LegacyUser

Partner or no partner you have put up with it for five years! Also just because they are his family doesn't necessarily mean that you should become friends with them, maybe they just keep to themselves.

At this stage I think you should start applying for jobs in the place you think you will be happy and go from there. Also stop thinking about the fact you are in your mid thirties, if the relationship is not meant to be its not meant to be.
Whats the point in living in a place where you feel lonely, miserable and depressed. If you have been living like this for five years its not likely to get better.

freshpopcorn

That's life I'm afraid. All aspects of your life can't be good.
Some people enjoy there working life.
Some people hate where they work.
Some love where they live.
Some hate where they live.
Some get on well with family.
Some don't get on with there family.
You say it's not an option to move?
I find television shows people constantly popping around to one another houses for cups of tea etc. This doesn't always happen . Most of my friends live miles away. So I rarely see them. Same with my relatives.
How can you find more friends build friendships. Invite people from work around for a meal. Or maybe neighbours.
Volunteer at the local gaa, tennis, any sort of club/charity.
Maybe you could organise rubber aware parties/ann summers Parties.

MrWalsh

Sounds horrible.

Did you live with your partner before you moved there? Or did you move there to live with him?

Its a tough one for me to relate to because Im not from a small town or in a small town but if you are lonely and hate it there after trying it for 5 years I think you should definitely look at moving elsewhere, with or without your partner.

LegacyUser

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Is your partner willing to move?

Yes but only if he get s a half decent permanent job.. I am from 3 hours away and although it is big there is nothing happening there . thanks for your reply x

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

That's life I'm afraid. All aspects of your life can't be good.
Some people enjoy there working life.
Some people hate where they work.
Some love where they live.
Some hate where they live.
Some get on well with family.
Some don't get on with there family.
You say it's not an option to move?
I find television shows people constantly popping around to one another houses for cups of tea etc. This doesn't always happen . Most of my friends live miles away. So I rarely see them. Same with my relatives.
How can you find more friends build friendships. Invite people from work around for a meal. Or maybe neighbours.
Volunteer at the local gaa, tennis, any sort of club/charity.
Maybe you could organise rubber aware parties/ann summers Parties.

Hi Thanks for all the posts.
I have joined the groups etc and met people but in this part of the country people are notoriously clickqey. I do get on with people but its not the same. I am ok on my own , but I cant bear the thought of having kids here.
When I get lonely here I feel so isolated because I have no where to go and I mean no where ! Thanks for your response but I have done the clubs, gone to events etc, meet nice people and talk to them but its just not friendship

LegacyUser

MrWalsh wrote: »

Sounds horrible.

Did you live with your partner before you moved there? Or did you move there to live with him?

Its a tough one for me to relate to because Im not from a small town or in a small town but if you are lonely and hate it there after trying it for 5 years I think you should definitely look at moving elsewhere, with or without your partner.

I moved there to be with him. He will move with me but he cant get another job where I am from that is the problem. Ill have to go without him if I go.. and I don't know if I want that. if his family made one bit of an effort it would change things so much but they wont......

MrWalsh

Inlawtrouble wrote: »

I moved there to be with him. He will move with me but he cant get another job where I am from that is the problem. Ill have to go without him if I go.. and I don't know if I want that. if his family made one bit of an effort it would change things so much but they wont......

The problem is that you can't make other people behave the way you want them to. Even if they were nice to you now you probably wouldn't trust it and you wouldn't actually be any better off. You KNOW what they're really like, so even if they made some effort, you'd remember that.

What about if ye both moved elsewhere entirely?

Meauldsegosha

Inlawtrouble wrote: »

I moved there to be with him. He will move with me but he cant get another job where I am from that is the problem. Ill have to go without him if I go.. and I don't know if I want that. if his family made one bit of an effort it would change things so much but they wont......

Why do you have to move to where you are from? You could move to somewhere new to both of you.

tara73

inlawtrouble wrote: »

Thanks for your response but I have done the clubs, gone to events etc, meet nice people and talk to them but its just not friendship

sorry to say, but I find this odd. It could not be many, but from my experience, if joining a club, there are always some people I can relate to and will be friends. I mean, you know it's not that they all come flying in your arms, did you made an effort too? did you invite them for coffee and cake sometimes, for your birthday or anything?

from reading it, to me it actually feels like you are sabotaging yourself and you are not open enough and not making enough effort or will power to find real friends, because you miss your family and want to have a reason to go back.
it's understandable, but as some other poster wrote, it can't be rosy posy on all fronts. if your OH's family is strange and don't want contact with you, so be it, you obviously won't change them by now, but why care anymore?

if you have kids, there will be other mums in town you can get in contact with?

I don't know, it all depends also how big is the city?/town you're living in. if it's really small, I understand it could be very hard to find likeminded people but as said, it depends on you if you're open enough, it's always possible.

m'lady

OP I think your putting too much emphasis on the lack of effort from his family, rather than perhaps looking at your own actions/feelings. Seriously how is having a coffee/chat with people not friendship, or at least the mere begining of it?

I moved counties about 7 years ago and at first thought I was never going to make friends, but it does happen gradually, you don't become best mates with people overnight when your an adult. Now? I have a number of friends and I would dread having to leave here!

Try and be a little more positive and you will be surprised how you will come across to people. I wouldn't be concerning yourself with the inlaws as I don't think that's the problem, in my opinion. What part of the country are you in?

MrWalsh

What kind of your relationship does your partner have with his family?

Is he hanging out with them without you?

What kind of expectation would you have of them - if they were behaving as youd like them to?

freshpopcorn

My only worry us that if you did move to another town you'd face the same problems again. I.e you'd net friendly b people but find it hard to make friends.
This is my opinion now. When we are children, teenagers, at college we have no commitments to an extent. So whenever we want to chat to our friends we can almost drop over because we are always free. But when we start working/sstart a family people sort of give this up to an extent except for a few times a year. Which would generally be a planned get together.
Even when you start a family you'll become friendly with other mothers and yell help one another out but it mighn't be the same friendship you had as a kid.

Flippyfloppy

If you don't get on with them now , living in a small town with them & starting a family will be a nightmare. They will be demanding to see the baby etc! You'll have to move! I always find it interesting that in the States for example long distance is considered to be different states, but in Ireland long distance can be from limerick - Dublin.

Even try living in different towns and see what happens? Youve lived somewhere you're unhappy for 5 years give yourself a break. You don't have to put up with it, you don't have to have bad aspects of your life.