Nothing for mothers day

phasing

Really want honest opinions here. Told my husband not to get me any expensive flowers for mothers day as we can't afford them. Woke up mothers day to nothing, not even a Happy mothers day. No card from the children (they are small), no mention of the day at all. I made breakfast, brought the children with me while I did a food shop (I hadn't taken anything out of the freezer for dinner as I though we'd head out somewhere), Made dinner, minded the kids for the day and then washed them and put them to bed. He still never mentioned it. I said why no mention of the day and he said you told me not to get any flowers. He is now not speaking to me as I ruined my own day. I suppose there could have been a misunderstanding when I said no flowers but to ignore it altogether IO think is wrong. I know it isn't the biggest thing int he world but I can't help feeling hurt. Now he isn't even talking to me - I shouldn't have said anything to him.

Am I wrong to be hurt?

Dog of Tears

phasing wrote: »

Am I wrong to be hurt?

Yes, it's a stupid Hallmark holiday.


However - is the day you describe typical?
Do you get that little assistance from your husband usually.

If so, I'd be more worried about that than the lack of a Mother's Day card tbh.

phasing

I'm starting to realise the lack of assistance is more usual than unusual. He works shift and I think he has gotten into a habit of having his days to himself. Normally I try to have things sorted throughout the week so when we are both off together we can have quality family time with the kids not cleaning bathrooms etc.

Yeah it is a hallmark day but he knows I'd love a homemade card from the kids.

catonthewire

Okay, a lot of people view it as nothing more than Hallmark, but imo when children are small the onus is on the Dad or Mum to encourage small children that their parents deserve a little treat on days like this.....

Expensive flowers, sweets or meals don't matter, he could have helped them acknowledge the day......
Honestly, it appears that you run the house single handed.....explain to him how you felt, then work out a plan to share the load, and how to set a good example for the kids....

Rachineire

No I don't think your over-reacting.

Yes its a hallmark holiday, but so what. its a good chance to show your loved ones that you appreciate them and everything they do for the family.

I am a fan of these holidays not for the commercialism but for the symbolism behind them.

I knew this year we didn't have the money for any flowers or meals out or even a card- but my husband helped my two year old make me a card and my little boy scribbled all over it and that was enough for me. I was happy that he took the time to sit down and write a lovely message and put a bit a thought into it.

I think a little thought to even say happy mothers day thanks for being a great mom would have gone a long way in this instance.

Also he sounds like he needs to pull his weight around in the house more. My husband I are are both working and for the majority of time since our son was born he was on shift work. He still helped out with the chores and cooking dinner and helping with our son. being on shift work is no excuse. In fact he might have more time for a weekly shop or dinner prep or to straighten up the house while he is alone at home during the day.
marriage is a combined effort as is parenting! you didn't make those children by yourself!

best of luck op.

Matteroffact

I think you gave him the impression that you didn't want to bother with Mother's Day and men are not that concerned with this sort of thing. Sorry OP but I would not blame your husband, but yourself for saying don't bother. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you either, he was just doing what he thought you wanted.

santana75

Matteroffact wrote: »

I think you gave him the impression that you didn't want to bother with Mother's Day and men are not that concerned with this sort of thing. Sorry OP but I would not blame your husband, but yourself for saying don't bother. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you either, he was just doing what he thought you wanted.

Yeah I agree. OP to a man what you did was tell him you didnt want anything for mothers day. He obliged and now youre annoyed at him which is ridiculous. You need to be very clear and specific about what you want and dont want, otherwise theres always gonna be misinterpretation. I would be angry if I was him aswell to be honest because from his point of view you told him not to get you anything and now you're moving the goalposts and claiming you did want something. Thats just nonsense and expecting a man to be a mind reader. I would be very very annoyed if I was him.

Neyite

santana75 wrote: »

Yeah I agree. OP to a man what you did was tell him you didnt want anything for mothers day. He obliged and now youre annoyed at him which is ridiculous. You need to be very clear and specific about what you want and dont want, otherwise theres always gonna be misinterpretation. I would be angry if I was him aswell to be honest because from his point of view you told him not to get you anything and now you're moving the goalposts and claiming you did want something. Thats just nonsense and expecting a man to be a mind reader. I would be very very annoyed if I was him.

She didnt say she didn't want anything, she said to him not to go buying expensive flowers because money is tight. There is a big difference. He didn't acknowledge the day at all.

There are thoughtful things you can do that dont cost a penny or buy into commercialism. A handmade card. Writing a poem with the kids. Breakfast in bed. Do a cleaning blitz. Insist they put their feet up with a cuppa. Or, give her a kiss and tell her what a great mum you think she is. All small things that would mean far more than a wilting bunch of dyed flowers that are not worth the money.

Op, he sounds like he is defensively sulking because he knows he is in the wrong. Would this be a usual reaction of his in a disagreement?

keysersoze1

phasing wrote: »

Really want honest opinions here. Told my husband not to get me any expensive flowers for mothers day as we can't afford them. Woke up mothers day to nothing, not even a Happy mothers day. No card from the children (they are small), no mention of the day at all. I made breakfast, brought the children with me while I did a food shop (I hadn't taken anything out of the freezer for dinner as I though we'd head out somewhere), Made dinner, minded the kids for the day and then washed them and put them to bed. He still never mentioned it. I said why no mention of the day and he said you told me not to get any flowers. He is now not speaking to me as I ruined my own day. I suppose there could have been a misunderstanding when I said no flowers but to ignore it altogether IO think is wrong. I know it isn't the biggest thing int he world but I can't help feeling hurt. Now he isn't even talking to me - I shouldn't have said anything to him.

Am I wrong to be hurt?

Nope diffo not wrong.just because you didn't want spending money that ye just don't have at this moment,doesn't mean that he shouldn't have done something for the day.i would imagine that you would have got more enjoyment out of a simple home made card with the kids drawing and scribbles on it than any hallmark card or flowers.

meeeeh

I think you said no flowers, he interpreted it as don't do anything. I learned from this and some other threads that people apply to these holidays vastly different importance. I really don't care about it (it makes me feel old) and the same goes for fathers day. So if my partner asked me not to get him aftershave or whatever for fathers day it would be interpreted as don't bother with anything. If he would make similar request for his birthday I would still do something small.

Minderbinder

Rachineire wrote: »

No I don't think your over-reacting.


I am a fan of these holidays not for the commercialism but for the symbolism behind them.

Symbolism is one thing but I think people (especially women) need to take a step back sometimes and look at the relationship as a whole and judge their partners on the basis of their everyday behaviour. If your husband has to do something for you or you'll get angry that doesn't really symbolise anything. If he does something nice for you on an ordinary day that's more meaningful in my opinion. I'm not sure women think of it like that however, as they're not as romantically minded as men in my experience.

santana75

Neyite wrote: »

Op, he sounds like he is defensively sulking because he knows he is in the wrong. Would this be a usual reaction of his in a disagreement?

He's not sulking because he " knows he's in the wrong" he's annoyed because the op said one thing but meant another. That's not direct communication. That's not saying what you mean and to do that is to invite misinterpretation. If the op wanted something she should've said, "don't get me flowers or anything like that, just get me a card and we're good". That's saying what you want, that's being direct and I absolutely guarantee you that she would've got the card on the day. But instead she didn't communicate directly, she decided that her husband would read her mind and read between the lines. Say what you mean and ask for what you want, its a simple and honest way to communicate.
The op is the one in the wrong, the husband has every right to be pissed.

phasing

Thanks for the replies. The whole conversation about the flowers was that I said "I don't know what you've planned for mothers day but don't go buying expensive flowers. The cards and time together are more important". I do accept that he might have understood this to mean don't do anything. I am not annoyed just hurt that he didn't acknowledge the day but I see what some posters are saying about him interpreting it as once thing when I meant another.

I do a huge amount of work in the house (if I'm honest I actually do all the cleaning/cooking/washing/shopping/bills - yes I know I am wrong but I hate him getting stroppy and not doing it in the end or I realise the night before that it isn't done at all). I also mind the kids most of the time and bring them to and from the creche, cook for them and make sure they have a good balanced active life when not in the creche. I do this because I love them and I suppose I shouldn't expect to be thanked for doing what anyone should do and take good care of their kids. But he would hate it if I didn't acknowledge fathers day or his birthday. He is great is many ways but I am having a long think about things and I think I need to make some changes. I'm naturally an organiser and I think we just fell into this routine when I was on maternity leave and it has just stayed the same. Honest chat needed.

Mr. Incognito

Neyite wrote: »

She didnt say she didn't want anything, she said to him not to go buying expensive flowers because money is tight. There is a big difference. He didn't acknowledge the day at all.

Nor should he. It's a stupid made up holiday.

Who could be arsed with all that self congratulations.

Be a good mom. Be a good husband. Be a good wife. Be a good kid.

Every day. Not because a card company decided that sales were ****e in March.

Rachineire

mothers day is different in nearly every country. this holiday wasn't started because card sales tanked in march.

I dont understand the annoyance people have with this holiday. being a mother (or a father) is a thankless never ending job. Its one that is immensely fulfilling and brings a lot of joy but it is also one of the toughest things most people will ever do.

I don't see any harm in having one day set aside to show appreciation- even if you do nice things for each other on a daily basis well sure one more nice thing to say i appreciate all you do wouldn't kill would it?

Neyite

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Nor should he. It's a stupid made up holiday.

Who could be arsed with all that self congratulations.

Be a good mom. Be a good husband. Be a good wife. Be a good kid.

Every day. Not because a card company decided that sales were ****e in March.

I agree he could be a good husband every day, but he cant even manage that either by the sounds of it. She does ALL the cooking. ALL the cleaning. ALL the childcare, the creche runs, the extra curricular activities. ALL the laundry. Really, he shot himself in the foot by not getting the kids to do a bit of a scribble on a card that costs €1.50 and bringing her a cuppa in bed. Because now she is wondering exactly what her husband contributes to the relationship since he cant be arsed to acknowledge that she does it all.

Celebrating Mothers day is NOT a new thing. I was making a card and making my mother breakfast in bed in the 1980's, or cleaning the house for her as a nice surprise when she got up. I've pointed out that he could have done something nice without giving a single penny to greedy corporations cashing in on Mothers Day, if he felt that strongly. Or, communicate that distaste to your wife and let her know that you will be treating it as any other day.

Just like SHE can when its his birthday, when its Steak & Blowjob day, Fathers day, All Ireland Final Day, The World Cup, Paddys Day, Christmas Day and all the other disgustingly commercialised days that Big Bad Corporations try and entice people to spend loads and loads of money and people enjoy celebrating.

DeltaWhite

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Nor should he. It's a stupid made up holiday.

Who could be arsed with all that self congratulations.

Be a good mom. Be a good husband. Be a good wife. Be a good kid.

Every day. Not because a card company decided that sales were ****e in March.

With all due respect, that's how you feel about it. You don't know if the OP or her husband feel like that so I think how you feel is irrelevant.

Definitely feel that a communication issue is at play here OP. But that's the least of your problems. Does he even acknowledge everything you do at home in general?

phasing

I don't want to get into bashing him as there isn't anything to gain from that but I am looking at things differently now. He would not be happy to have an occasion ignored and expects gifts at Christmas, birthday, fathers day, etc. He has said don't get me a card for X but would still expect a present and a fuss. He knows me and he knows I would have appreciated some acknowledgement on mother day. To be honest no he doesn't acknowledge what I do any day of the year and his sisters have had words with me about it. I'm a bit sensitive over it as I've had them telling me I'm a doormat for years. I hope I'm not a doormat I was just trying to do everything efficiently and have nice free time together. I'm hurt that he chose to stop speaking to me rather than talk about it. I'd never treat him like that. I do try to be open and communicate everything.

From now on I will check that he has understood what I meant to avoid this happening again. But knowing him like I do I think he hadn't organised anything or any flowers to cancel (I said it to him on Saturday afternoon) and he is having a bit of a sulk cause I said why didn't you acknowledge mothers day.

milli milli

phasing wrote: »

He has said don't get me a card for X but would still expect a present and a fuss. He knows me and he knows I would have appreciated some acknowledgement on mother day. To be honest no he doesn't acknowledge what I do any day of the year and his sisters have had words with me about it.

I'm a bit sensitive over it as I've had them telling me I'm a doormat for years. I hope I'm not a doormat.

Op, so your husband knows that you would have liked the day to be acknowledged, but yet he didn't bother doing anything.
He also expects his days to be acknowledged and a fuss to be made of him - but he won't reciprocate.
He doesn't appreciate anything you do everyday and it sounds like you are doing EVERYTHING.

What exactly do you see in this man? What is he contributing to your life?

With the greatest respect to you OP, you do sound like a doormat.
You are doing everything for him, running the house, looking after the kids, probably making homemade cards for this oaf.
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a good-for-nothing oaf.
And then he starts fighting with you even though it was your day that was ruined.

This man doesn't respect you. You need to take a good long look at your life and figure out why you let yourself be treated like this. You need to put the foot down.
Men (or people in general) don't respect women who don't respect themselves. He thinks you're a pushover and knows you'll put up with it.

I'm very sorry if this reply sounds harsh OP. It's just not acceptable how a husband can treat his wife like this.
Please have a good talk with him and please work on respecting yourself.
Best of luck

strobe

phasing wrote: »

I'm starting to realise the lack of assistance is more usual than unusual. He works shift and I think he has gotten into a habit of having his days to himself. Normally I try to have things sorted throughout the week so when we are both off together we can have quality family time with the kids not cleaning bathrooms etc.

phasing wrote: »

I do a huge amount of work in the house (if I'm honest I actually do all the cleaning/cooking/washing/shopping/bills - yes I know I am wrong but I hate him getting stroppy and not doing it in the end or I realise the night before that it isn't done at all). I also mind the kids most of the time and bring them to and from the creche, cook for them and make sure they have a good balanced active life when not in the creche.

To be fair if he is working full time doing shifts, and you are not working full time (guessing based on the fact you mind the kids and take them to crèche and back?) then it's only fair that you do do most, if not all, of the housework / childcaring. You can't expect him to work full time and split the housework, when you don't do the same.

zeffabelli

Mother's day is one of those days where you may not think it has meaning, but when it is NOT noticed, then the mother will notice.

Like you take for granted the dressings on a dinner plate, they may not seem important, but when they are not there you notice.

I'm not sentimental by nature, but I get nothing for mother's day, the other parent never acknowleges it, and the child is too young to do something independently. And no matter what way you cut it, the silence is read pjoratively.

You stink as a mother. I don't appreciate you or the work you do. You are not worth bothering with even though every other mother is getting flowers and a thanks.

ceadaoin.

strobe wrote: »

To be fair if he is working full time doing shifts, and you are not working full time (guessing based on the fact you mind the kids and take them to crèche and back?) then it's only fair that you do do most, if not all, of the housework / childcaring. You can't expect him to work full time and split the housework, when you don't do the same.

So the OPs husband works full time and then gets to enjoy free time on his days off with no expectations of childcare or housework. When does the OP get the same? It sounds like she is constantly run ragged doing everything without a break. I don't think the housework should be split exactly 50/50 if she isn't working but when he is there, the husband should pull his weight. With regards to child caring then that should be 50/50 when he isn't working. They are his kids too and working full time doesn't absolve him of all responsibility.

Carlos Orange

ceadaoin. wrote: »

With regards to child caring then that should be 50/50 when he is there. They are his kids too and working full time doesn't absolve him of all responsibility.

I don't really agree. How it works is up to peoples individual relationships and the discussion they had when they decided to have kids. Having kids based on unspoken assumptions is a recipe for disaster.

Littlekittylou

It was incredibly disrespectful not to make an effort on Mother's day.

So you are the stay at home mother. That's fine. He works full time outside the home and you don't, that's fine too. But you should both appreciate the other's roles.

phasing

Thanks for all the replies. Some are hard to read but it's the wake up I need. I work full time too 8.30-5.00 Monday to Friday. He works very hard for us but in the last year the lack of help has gotten worse.

ceadaoin.

phasing wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Some are hard to read but it's the wake up I need. I work full time too 8.30-5.00 Monday to Friday. He works very hard for us but in the last year the lack of help has gotten worse.

Ok well his attitude is even more unacceptable given that you also work full time. Sorry but he is treating you like a doormat. I would be sorely tempted to prove a point by stopping doing his laundry and dinner and just look after yourself and the kids. He doesn't lift a finger to help you so why should you do anything for him. And to not even show a bit of appreciation for everything you do to make his life easier,I'm angry on your behalf op!

It's time for a serious talk with him.

strobe

phasing wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Some are hard to read but it's the wake up I need. I work full time too 8.30-5.00 Monday to Friday. He works very hard for us but in the last year the lack of help has gotten worse.

Ah right then in that case it's very unfair of him to be leaving everything at home to you. Have you let him know you're unhappy about it and would like him to do more at home?

phasing

Sat down and had an honest talk. I explained how I felt and he put his side. To try to get the work more even we are going to look at the jobs and divide them up based on his shift and my working hours. I actually think he got a shock when I showed him the list of all the jobs I do and what is my responsibility. Loads more talking needed but that was enough for tonight.

Minderbinder

i find it bizarre that he can do nothing at home, expect the op to do all housework and mind the kids but its the lack of a piece of paper on mother's day that breaks the camel's back. op you are absolutely right about him not meeting his responsibilities and this talk should have happened a long time ago. but i also feel sad and worry about women like you who feel you need to do everything for some lazy child-husband. i worry that things might change for the time being but slowly revert back to the norm. you need to be stronger and not let things build up like this where you shoulder an unfair amount of responsibility.

if he got you a mother's day card, would you have said anything and continued as you were?

i'll never understand women, but whatever the reason, well done for having that difficult talk and i hope in the future your husband will show you more appreciation.

xxtippchickxx

i can relate to this my first mothers day i got nothing he bought himself an xbox game the day before,i took the baby to my mams that day for dinner dad had cooked let him fend for himself,when everyone asked what i got for my first mothers day i said he bought himself an xbox game that he was the one that acts the woman in our relationship :D i had our son on fathers day last year the day before i got him an airsoft gun that he was looking for but couldnt afford it,needless to say he be getting nothing this fathers day this year ill get myself summit hell know than next year