Boyfriend being messaged by another girl

TREX1080

I am worried about my situation and am looking for some advice.
My partner is being messaged, on a weekly basis by a girl. They used to work together and have stayed in touch.

The messages range from ordinary stuff like "how are you doing", to very flirty. She always messages him first and she does the flirting in the messages. My boyfriend doesnt seem to 'take the bait', if I can put it that way. They seem to have the same sense of humour and they make each other laugh a lot. Also- she is extremely attractive- feel I need to mention that

I dont think he should be messaging her at all. And when she sends those flirty messages I feel he should say, "I have a girlfriend" or "dont message me like that".....or something to that effect. But he doesnt.

I feel that, if he wasnt interested in her, he would ignore the messages or bring me up in conversation.....but he never does....and I am worried that he is not 100% happy with me.

I havent talked to him about this.

Am I over reacting ?

lifeandtimes

Honestly yes you are over reacting

First off you can't chooses who he messages and doesn't, that's his business
Two from what you be said he doesn't take the bait and they make each other laugh so I don't see the problem
3 I'm not sure how you are seeing these messages but I assume your boyfriend let's you see them and if he does that shows his trust in you,if he doesn't show you and you "snoop" as it were I'd be even more inclined to belive that he's 100 percent committed to you because as you said he doesn't take the bait

The fact you mention she's really attractive shows a bit of insecurity that you need to get over and realise your boyfriend is with you

To me he sounds like a decent bloke who just happens to have a friend who makes him laugh,whether that's a boy or girl should be irrelevant

MrWalsh

Why don't you talk to him about it?

Tokyo

It does sound like a serious overreaction on your part - despite what people say, it is possible for a guy and a girl to be friends and nothing more, and it sounds like that they've continued their friendship after the period in which they worked together. Many of my friends are female, some are in relationships, others are married, and we still keep in touch on a regular basis. They're my friends, and always will be. In this case it sounds like your insecurities about this person - "she is extremely attractive" - are very much coming to the surface here.

I'm curious how you have such knowledge of the content of his messages though? Did he show them to you? If he has, then it would seem obvious that he doesn't think there is something to hide? Or have you gone through his phone unbeknownst to him to read his messages? In which case you have completely violated his privacy, which for me at least would be a deal breaker....

Katgurl

As others have asked, how are you seeing these messages?

Also, can you be specific as to what constitutes flirting via text? I have a fairly flirtatious nature, am friends with guys (as well as girls) and we would have a bit of jokey banter. I would find it very bizarre if I received a text saying "I have a girlfriend". But if she is propositioning him then yes, he should be telling her to stop.

Meauldsegosha

TREX1080 wrote: »

Also- she is extremely attractive- feel I need to mention that

This sentence speaks volumes. Your boyfriend isn't at fault here. You feel insecure and you need to address that.

bee06

Agree with everything said already. And to add what seems like flirting to one person is just friendly banter to another. You can read things into comments that mean nothing because you are jealous.

TREX1080

Hi all,

Thanks for all of the replies.

Yeah his fb was logged in and I looked through his messages.

In terms of the messages. She is basically telling him she wants to be with him, telling him she misses him, saying she is thinking about him. To me anyway its very flirty.

He responds with smileys and then might ask her about work......but its what he is not saying that bothers me. He is not asking her to stop or when she asks him is he busy at the weekend (perfect opportunity to say 'i am going to x with Marie (fake name)' or 'we are going here/there'.....he doesn't.

Maybe she would stop if he asked her to.

I think I included that detail about her being good looking more for context. But also yes, I do have some insecurities about how I look.

pipelaser

TREX1080 wrote: »

Hi all,

Thanks for all of the replies.

Yeah his fb was logged in and I looked through his messages.

In terms of the messages. She is basically telling him she wants to be with him, telling him she misses him, saying she is thinking about him. To me anyway its very flirty.

He responds with smileys and then might ask her about work......but its what he is not saying that bothers me. He is not asking her to stop or when she asks him is he busy at the weekend (perfect opportunity to say 'i am going to x with Marie (fake name)' or 'we are going here/there'.....he doesn't.

Maybe she would stop if he asked her to.

I think I included that detail about her being good looking more for context. But also yes, I do have some insecurities about how I look.

That's not on. Bring it up with him. She needs to be told to piss off by either him or you.

lifeandtimes

TREX1080 wrote: »

Yeah his fb was logged in and I looked through his messages.

.

This right her is the problem!

You have looked through your boyfriend messages without his permision and found something you didnt like. I alwasy say never go looking throguh things like this as most of the time people find things they dont like.

THe real problem here isnt the fact hes messaging a woman(who clearly likes him and may have a thing for him) which he dodges and avoids when its brought up, the problem is your own insecurites and trust issues in this relationship.

How are you going to approach this with your bf now? " hey i was looking through your messages and saw XXX was messaging you, would you mind telling her to stop?"

Hes not going to go ok yeah thats no problem, if he had any sense he sit you down and ask what the heck you were doing snooping through his messages?

Turn it around would you like your bf going through your personal messages,even if you didnt have anything to hide(which he didnt)

Id say come clean and see what he has to say about it

TREX1080

lifeandtimes wrote: »

This right her is the problem!

You have looked through your boyfriend messages without his permision and found something you didnt like. I alwasy say never go looking throguh things like this as most of the time people find things they dont like.

THe real problem here isnt the fact hes messaging a woman(who clearly likes him and may have a thing for him) which he dodges and avoids when its brought up, the problem is your own insecurites and trust issues in this relationship.

How are you going to approach this with your bf now? " hey i was looking through your messages and saw XXX was messaging you, would you mind telling her to stop?"

Hes not going to go ok yeah thats no problem, if he had any sense he sit you down and ask what the heck you were doing snooping through his messages?

Turn it around would you like your bf going through your personal messages,even if you didnt have anything to hide(which he didnt)

Id say come clean and see what he has to say about it

Hey thanks for the reply.

I just wanted to get some advice on what I found first and then I will deal with approaching him.

gsi300024v

If he were to read your fb message would you be ok with that, not just the fact there might or might not be flirty ones, would there be anything there you think he'd not be happy to see, maybe giving out about him or his family/friends?
Why have you not asked about it with him, are you afraid he'll go off with that attractive woman?

TREX1080

gsi300024v wrote: »

If he were to read your fb message would you be ok with that, not just the fact there might or might not be flirty ones, would there be anything there you think he'd not be happy to see, maybe giving out about him or his family/friends?
Why have you not asked about it with him, are you afraid he'll go off with that attractive woman?

Nah, there's nothing at all Id mind him seeing.

I just found the messages shortly before I first posted. Want to get others opinions on whether its even an issue/warrants saying anything.

michellie

Am I the only one who thinks this other girl is being inappropriate? Also he should be telling her to piss off.

lifeandtimes

michellie wrote: »

Am I the only one who thinks this other girl is being inappropriate? Also he should be telling her to piss off.

yeah she may be but thats for her boyfriend to fend off, not his girlfriend, by the looks of things he is dodging these advances and his girlfriend shouldnt even know about this.

Same as if they were in a club, should he tell her that some girl was chatting him up and that he didnt lead her on? no need too as he has taken care of it.

plus he seems to get along with her i.e they are good friends, do all girls who have male friends that fancy them tell them to piss off? Nope they friend zone them which is what the ops boyfriend has done

cactusgal

Yes, it was wrong of the OP to read through his messages, but this girl is being totally inappropriate and the bf should be telling her that he's not interested. OP, at the very least, I'd say he just enjoys the attention. Or he may be interested in her. Either way, he doesn't seem too interested in letting her know that your relationship is important, and that's a red flag.

Come clean and see what he says.

TREX1080

cactusgal wrote: »

he doesn't seem too interested in letting her know that your relationship is important, and that's a red flag

This is what worries me.

TREX1080

gsi300024v wrote: »

If he were to read your fb message would you be ok with that, not just the fact there might or might not be flirty ones, would there be anything there you think he'd not be happy to see, maybe giving out about him or his family/friends?
Why have you not asked about it with him, are you afraid he'll go off with that attractive woman?

Sorry- I just read the last bit of your message.

I guess I am concerned. Like I said, from reading the messages, it doesnt seem like he is too interested in bringing up our relationship.

I think I am afraid that if I ask....are you interested in her or whats going on there.....- I wont like the answer I get.

I dont want to have to tell him to ask her to stop. I would like to think that he would want to say-I have a girlfriend-dont be messaging me like that....or whatever.

mada82

This is an awkward one.

1 you shouldn't have gone through his messages.

2 he isn't sending flirty stuff back.

3 he hasn't told her to stop. But we haven't seen the messages or know the context or tone.

He is possibly enjoying the attention but not gonna take it any further.

strobe

TREX1080 wrote: »

In terms of the messages. She is basically telling him she wants to be with him, telling him she misses him, saying she is thinking about him. To me anyway its very flirty.

Wants to be with him as in "I want to be your girlfriend" or "I want to be with you sexually" obviously not in that many words. Or wants to be with him as in "I wish we were having the craic in person"?

I dunno Trex, I've had friends, completely just friends, say they wish we were hanging out in person, that they miss me, that they were thinking about me for some reason, it definitely was not flirting. Similarly people ask me all the time if I am busy at the weekend, up to anything on Friday night, whatever, it's just small talk, it's not a proposition of anything.
You say he doesn't mention you? When she asks if he's busy for the weekend, does he lie and make up something that would imply he doesn't have a girlfriend or something? Or does he just say, "nah not up to too much" or something like that? Because the latter is a common enough kind of answer and doesn't necessarily imply anything just because he hasn't specifically mentioned you.

The problem you have is you went behind his back and read his private messages. Like Mike said, that's a deal breaker for an awful lot of people. To come out and admit to having done this you would have to be pretty god damn certain you were sure there was something going on that would make the risk of potentially causing quite a bit of damage to your relationship, worth it.

Based on what you've said, although obviously you've seen the messages and I haven't, so going just on what you've written. It's entirely possible she isn't being flirty at all, and therefore there would be nothing to tell her to knock off.

Can you give a specific example of what you think are quite flirty messages? Say ones that if his mother was to send him you would think "that's a messed up thing for a mother to say to her son". Because what you've said above aren't particularly flirty or anything, they can be things friends say to each other with no flirtatious undertones whatsoever, and it's entirely possible you are just interpreting them as being so because as you said, you have insecurity issues and this girl is extremely attractive.

TREX1080

strobe wrote: »

Can you give a specific example of what you think are quite flirty messages?

I want to kiss you (no explanation needed there)
His response: Dont say things like that

I miss you (sent in the wee hours of the morning)
His response: Smiley face and then he changed the subject

Tell me what you would like and I will send it (He had asked if she was on snapchat)
His response: Wow and a smiley face

I wasnt around to see you off (when he was leaving work)
His response: Keep me in the loop with "name of work place"

strobe

TREX1080 wrote: »

I want to kiss you (no explanation needed there)
His response: Dont say things like that

I miss you (sent in the wee hours of the morning)
His response: Smiley face and then he changed the subject

Tell me what you would like and I will send it (He had asked if she was on snapchat)
His response: Wow and a smiley face

I wasnt around to see you off (when he was leaving work)
His response: Keep me in the loop with "name of work place"

Ah right. Well yeah, telling someone you want to kiss them is pretty cut and dry. I suppose he did tell her not to say things like that though.

The "wow smileyface" thing in response to her offer about snapchat is pretty sketchy though. It's tacit encouragement pretty much.

I dunno, it's a tough one. You're both in the wrong, you for invading his privacy, him for entertaining her advances even if he doesn't seem to be responding in kind.. I suppose I'd guess that the other posters are right and he is getting an ego boost out of this extremely attractive girl coming on to him.

Yeah I guess you've gotta have a serious conversation about trust and boundaries from both of your sides, and there's no way to do that other than to tell him you read the messages and are unhappy in how he has dealt with her, and take it from there.

Good luck.

Edit: I suppose one alternative is you could have the conversation with him in general terms. Mention to him that a guy in work or whatever started getting a bit flirty with you so you had to tell him to knock it off and that you have a boyfriend, and then steer it round to letting him know you'd expect the same if he was ever in the same situation. And then see if he get's his sh1t together with the situation with your one.

But that requires you lying to him (small enough lie, but still) and then checking his messages again. Which probably isn't a great way of going about things I guess.

TREX1080

Thanks for the advice Strobe.

I know snooping into his private messages is wrong but to be honest, if this is what is going on, I don't give a damn if its a deal breaker or not.

SO7378

gsi300024v wrote:

If he were to read your fb message would you be ok with that, not just the fact there might or might not be flirty ones, would there be anything there you think he'd not be happy to see, maybe giving out about him or his family/friends? Why have you not asked about it with him, are you afraid he'll go off with that attractive woman?

TREX1080 wrote:

I just wanted to get some advice on what I found first and then I will deal with approaching him.

TREX1080 wrote:

Hey thanks for the reply.

TREX1080 wrote:

The messages range from ordinary stuff like "how are you doing", to very flirty. She always messages him first and she does the flirting in the messages. My boyfriend doesnt seem to 'take the bait', if I can put it that way. They seem to have the same sense of humour and they make each other laugh a lot. Also- she is extremely attractive- feel I need to mention that

TREX1080 wrote:

I am worried about my situation and am looking for some advice. My partner is being messaged, on a weekly basis by a girl. They used to work together and have stayed in touch.

TREX1080 wrote:

I dont think he should be messaging her at all. And when she sends those flirty messages I feel he should say, "I have a girlfriend" or "dont message me like that".....or something to that effect. But he doesnt.

TREX1080 wrote:

I feel that, if he wasnt interested in her, he would ignore the messages or bring me up in conversation.....but he never does....and I am worried that he is not 100% happy with me.

TREX1080 wrote:

Am I over reacting ?

TREX1080 wrote:

I havent talked to him about this.

I think you just need to talk to him, i can understand were your coming from, at the end of the day you both are a couple so if one of you looked at each others messages there shouldnt be stuff there like that, especially to make you feel the way you do.. Your both together you should be able to look at eachothers stuff ... If it was a guy(for instance) texting my gf like that i wouldnt tolerate it and id say it to her and how i feel.. Every couple is different but ive been in this situation before and believe me i have insecurities also xD so talk to him.

jimd2

TREX1080 wrote: »

I am worried about my situation and am looking for some advice.
My partner is being messaged, on a weekly basis by a girl. They used to work together and have stayed in touch.

The messages range from ordinary stuff like "how are you doing", to very flirty. She always messages him first and she does the flirting in the messages. My boyfriend doesnt seem to 'take the bait', if I can put it that way. They seem to have the same sense of humour and they make each other laugh a lot. Also- she is extremely attractive- feel I need to mention that

I dont think he should be messaging her at all. And when she sends those flirty messages I feel he should say, "I have a girlfriend" or "dont message me like that".....or something to that effect. But he doesnt.

I feel that, if he wasnt interested in her, he would ignore the messages or bring me up in conversation.....but he never does....and I am worried that he is not 100% happy with me.

I havent talked to him about this.

Am I over reacting ?

I should be asleep but this annoyed me so I will give my opinion.

You shouldn't have read his message but now that you did you found that she is up to stuff no way she should be up to. And your bf is either to thick, too quiet, too besotted or whatever to do anything about it.

So you do something about it.

Contact her and tell her you know that she what she has been saying and messaging to your boyfriend. You don't have to say how you know. Spook her. Tell her that she will 'regret' crossing you etc.

Put the wind up her big time.

TREX1080

jimd2 wrote: »

I should be asleep but this annoyed me so I will give my opinion.

You shouldn't have read his message but now that you did you found that she is up to stuff no way she should be up to. And your bf is either to thick, too quiet, too besotted or whatever to do anything about it.

So you do something about it.

Contact her and tell her you know that she what she has been saying and messaging to your boyfriend. You don't have to say how you know. Spook her. Tell her that she will 'regret' crossing you etc.

Put the wind up her big time.

I completely get where you are coming from. But what about next time (I am just trying to think worst case senario here). I dont want to think that I have to fend off women for him. He should be doing that himself, if you know what I mean.

njs030

TREX1080 wrote: »

I completely get where you are coming from. But what about next time (I am just trying to think worst case senario here). I dont want to think that I have to fend off women for him. He should be doing that himself, if you know what I mean.

Don't contact her, she doesn't even know you exist and isn't doing anything wrong here. You have no right whatsoever to contact her (and why another poster thinks threatening her is ok is beyond belief!!)

Your boyfriend is the person in a relationship with you and the only one that owes you loyalty, though I think you could find it an awkward conversation if you start insisting on him being loyal to you when you aren't giving him trust.

While I can see her messages are somewhat flirty his responses aren't at all and he seems to steer conversation back to neutral ground. The issue here is that you clearly don't trust him to have read his messages in the first place, that's a much bigger problem than a few silly messages.

What would you like to happen? Do you want him to cut contact with all women? Or just the attractive ones? Or just the ones who send messages you think are flirty?

Maybe working on your own self esteem and trust issues would help?

TREX1080

notjustsweet wrote: »

Don't contact her, she doesn't even know you exist and isn't doing anything wrong here. You have no right whatsoever to contact her (and why another poster thinks threatening her is ok is beyond belief!!)

Your boyfriend is the person in a relationship with you and the only one that owes you loyalty, though I think you could find it an awkward conversation if you start insisting on him being loyal to you when you aren't giving him trust.

While I can see her messages are somewhat flirty his responses aren't at all and he seems to steer conversation back to neutral ground. The issue here is that you clearly don't trust him to have read his messages in the first place, that's a much bigger problem than a few silly messages.

What would you like to happen? Do you want him to cut contact with all women? Or just the attractive ones? Or just the ones who send messages you think are flirty?

Maybe working on your own self esteem and trust issues would help?

There are pics of us together on fb, so I think she could/probably does know about me.

No, I dont want him to cut contact with all women. Of course not. I guess what I would like to happen is that when he gets messages like the ones I posted, he would stop replying or mention me- the messages are on going.

In my opinion anyway I dont think that his replies could all be described as "not flirty at all" and her telling him she wants to kiss him is defo not "somewhat flirty"......but I dont think I can look at this objectively- so I appreciate everyone opinions on this of course.

njs030

TREX1080 wrote: »

There are pics of us together on fb, so I think she could/probably does know about me.

I guess what I would like to happen is that when he gets messages like the ones I posted, he would stop replying or mention me- the messages are on going.

In my opinion anyway I dont think that his replies could all be described as "not flirty at all" and her telling him she wants to kiss him is defo not "somewhat flirty"......

I said somewhat flirty as one or two messages in an on going conversation where she's clearly told to back off isn't much to go on. The last one he didn't react at all.
It's possible he knows the best way to deal with her idiotic behaviour is to let it slide instead of giving her attention!

The thing is op it doesn't really matter what anyone here says because you have already decided it's a problem.
I can imagine your poor mind is in overdrive and all kinds of scenarios are running through it so maybe it is best to deal with it once and for all. I think if you could explain how you feel And he listens it might ease your mind?

My concern is that you snooped into his private conversations and will have to own up to that, are you prepared if he decides that's a deal breaker? Or if you talk it out are you going to be tempted to snoop again to see if he's doing what you want?

At worst he will see your lack of trust as the end, at best he will be very careful to protect his privacy from you and your relationship will be different.

maniac2003

TREX1080 wrote: »

There are pics of us together on fb, so I think she could/probably does know about me.

No, I dont want him to cut contact with all women. Of course not. I guess what I would like to happen is that when he gets messages like the ones I posted, he would stop replying or mention me- the messages are on going.

In my opinion anyway I dont think that his replies could all be described as "not flirty at all" and her telling him she wants to kiss him is defo not "somewhat flirty"......but I dont think I can look at this objectively- so I appreciate everyone opinions on this of course.

You need to contact this woman directly its the only way for you to move on from this.

mada82

Contacting the woman directly is the worst possible thing to do.

You've read his messages and don't like what you've seen.

If it bothers you that much tell him you went through them and aren't happy.

Be prepared for a big fall out though. As mentioned previously some people will see this as a deal breaker.

How long are you together?

TREX1080

mada82 wrote: »

Contacting the woman directly is the worst possible thing to do.

You've read his messages and don't like what you've seen.

If it bothers you that much tell him you went through them and aren't happy.

Be prepared for a big fall out though. As mentioned previously some people will see this as a deal breaker.

How long are you together?

Yeah, I am prepared. I know snooping was wrong and I will accept the consequences (although that's prob easier said than). We are together almost two years, long distance.

Baron Kurtz

michellie wrote: »

Am I the only one who thinks this other girl is being inappropriate? Also he should be telling her to piss off.

Not at all. Spot on. Plus, yer man is enjoying this attention. He needs to sort it.

jimd2

notjustsweet wrote: »

Don't contact her, she doesn't even know you exist and isn't doing anything wrong here. You have no right whatsoever to contact her (and why another poster thinks threatening her is ok is beyond belief!!)

Your boyfriend is the person in a relationship with you and the only one that owes you loyalty, though I think you could find it an awkward conversation if you start insisting on him being loyal to you when you aren't giving him trust.

While I can see her messages are somewhat flirty his responses aren't at all and he seems to steer conversation back to neutral ground. The issue here is that you clearly don't trust him to have read his messages in the first place, that's a much bigger problem than a few silly messages.

What would you like to happen? Do you want him to cut contact with all women? Or just the attractive ones? Or just the ones who send messages you think are flirty?

Maybe working on your own self esteem and trust issues would help?

I would bet a pound to a penny she knows the the OP exists.

Sometimes a good jolt to the senses is what works to someone who thinks that they can offer themselves on a plate to another persons boyfriend.

She played dirty, now you do.

also its obvious that the OP has no problem with normal contact with female friends, none of us do. But this behaviour is waaaay beyond the line and needs to be cut out.

ThatFatGal

Hi Op,

I've been in a similar position as you are and I know how head wrecking it can be - especially when you're bf is being all nicey nicey and not doing anything about advances from another woman.

You probably know yourself that you're insecure but who isn't! We all can be insecure at moments like this but I think you should come out of the dark clouds and just say to yourself that you're so much better than this.

I really recommend that you talk to your boyfriend about this. Does he make you feel like you're his No.1? If he doesn't, you shouldn't even be with him.

Do you trust him? (Obviously you don't!) If you don't trust him, what is it that caused this mistrust?

Tell him that you know about the girl who's fb messaging him and that you feel really uncomfortable about this girl contacting him. Whether he does anything about it is entirely up to him. And at the end of the day, if you're uncomfortable with the way he's dealing with this girl, then you probably shouldn't be with him. You can't tell him who he can be friends with and if his boundaries mean that he keeps up with this kind of carry on, I'd move on.

It's all about what you think is acceptable in a relationship and if it's not ok with you, then this relationship isn't probably right for you.

gsi300024v

I suppose you get treated how you let people treat you.
So you don't feel great about yourself so you are afraid if you bring this all up he might leave, but would you prefer to stay in a relationship were you are not treated how you deserve to be treated? It's not that black and white anyway, not like he will leave because you brought it up. It's obviously annoying you. That'll impact on your relationship.
Bring it up is my advice, he might be clueless in seeing why it would annoy you.

Gerry T

you have to bring it up with him. Tell him how you feel about him, apologise for reading his facebook and say if he wants to be with this woman then he can go. But tell him your not comfortable with him entertaining this other woman's flirting and that he has to put a stop to it. He's effectively leading that other woman on and that's wrong.