Wedding Anxiety - Priest's Comment

LegacyUser

Basically I suffer with anxiety, have done for a long long time but only recently got diagnosed and started on medication.

The meds help me generally with my nerves but I still struggle with interfacing with others.

I'm getting married in the near future and this evening we had our rehearsal.

My Priest has obviously picked up on the fact that I have some sort of difficulty, but doesn't know I have anxiety. Have only met with him a couple of times before this evening.

He's a lovely lovely man, so down to earth and very funny but at the rehearsal when we were up at the alter in front of our Family and immediate Bridal Party he sort of made a point of saying directly to me "Now I know you don't like looking at people but... you have to look at people on your wedding day" and he said it very loud so everyone could hear, it wasn't like he whispered it to me.

I just thought it was a bit insensitive. I was really enjoying the evening up to that point, and I think it made my family a little uncomfortable too judging by their faces

I'm still pretty much overthinking it at this point, even after the meal etc.. I really wish he hadn't said it.

I'm wondering would I be way out of order to have a little meeting with him before the wedding and in the nicest possible way just explain to him that I suffer with anxiety and that I'm not generally being rude when I can't hold someone's gaze.. I'm just crippled with anxiety and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour.. and that maybe we won't make a feature of it at the main event.. just in case.. cause it would really ruin my day.

Any advice?

charlietheminxx

You poor thing! I am sure he wasn't being deliberately insensitive and probably thinks you're just a bit shy but it still must have been very uncomfortable all the same.

Definitely take him aside and explain your anxiety and how big a deal it is for you to be having a wedding in front of so many people. Most celebrants will have come across it before and he will probably be understanding and compassionate.

It's your wedding day, make sure you enjoy it!

Lux23

Face your fears Op, use your wedding to do so. I've had terrible anxiety over the years and hiding from it only made it worse. You can and will overcome it! I don't agree with the other poster that you should be asking for special treatment from the priest, you're an adult and you're responsible for your own feelings and reactions.

LostinKildare

What a jerk. What a rude thing to say.

I wouldn't say anything to him, just try and brush it off as what it was, an insensitive remark.

Your wedding guests know and love you and are there to support you on your big day, not to see you "perform." Be your lovely self and they will be delighted for you. And congratulations!

Tokyo

I'm going to go against the above and say that I don't think the priest was being rude, or trying to be rude. The priest isn't to know that you actually do suffer from social anxiety, and has probably had dozens if not more couples pass through his church, with all sorts of issues, concerns and pre-wedding jitters, and it sounds like he uses humour and lightheartness to get them through the day.

You said yourself that 'he's a lovely lovely man, so down to earth and very funny', and I think that his comment was part of that package - unfortunately this comment in particular hit a nerve with you because of your anxiety. I don't think there is any harm in letting the priest know that you suffer with anxiety and that you are not generally being rude when you can't hold someone's gaze - more than likely he'll be apologetic, and will make suggestions on how to deal with it on the day. But to label him as being a jerk and insensitive is a bit much, I think.

ravima

A possible helpful suggestion??? if you are talking to/looking at someone, then fix your eyes on the other person's nose/chin. You can stare all day at that. If you try to make eye contact, it is nervewracking and only lasts seconds.

enjoy the wedding and the rest of your life with your chosen one!!

descheness

If he's as lovely as you say he is, I wouldn't think he would mind if you brought it up to him! Do whatever makes you feel best because in the end it's your wedding day and not anyone else's!

_Whimsical_

OP I'm sure he didn't mean to be insensitive, in his head it probably sounded like some gentle encouragement to engage with everything on the day so you can enjoy it to the max.

However it's your day, you're the one that has to feel confident and enjoy it so forget his comment, forget what he thinks and what everyone but you and your husband will feel on the day. Don't be forcing yourself to make eye contact with people you don't want to,just do what comes natural and easy. Most people there will already know you and they won't be expecting you to be Miss Centre of Attention and delighted with it if that's not your personality. Avoid putting pressure or anxiety on yourself around the social aspect of it. In a years time when you look back on the day you won't be thinking "Well thank God I drove myself to near breakdown to be smiling at the neighbours" , you'll be thinking of the special moments between your husband. You can manage all those moments with him and that's what matters so just concentrate on that.

catonthewire

Forget about his silly comment....

Concentrate on YOU and your Partner, simply relish every moment of your special day....

Every time you begin to feel anxious, turn to your partner and smile...

Ps...Good luck with the wedding...

BlueFairy

Hey there, like the other boardsies here I think that the priest probably meant no harm. I find that people who don't understand anxiety can sometimes try to help you out of it in ways that are well meaning but inappropriate. He also probably had no idea that it would upset you so much and continue to upset you for so long, most priests are in the habbit of making you wedding a pleasant experience for you. I imagine he was just trying to give you a bit of courage for being the centre of attention on your wedding day.

The extent to which it upset you, and the fact that it's still on your mind, is very much a part of anxiety. Obsessively going over the things that worry and bother you, being unable to let that stuff go, is normal with anxiety problems, I've been there myself. It's great that you've finally gotten a diagnosis and treatment, you're on the way to feeling like yourself again!

The medication will help you a lot, but I think it might be a good idea for you to look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy too. It will help you look at how your thoughts drive your anxiety, and teach you to stop the obsessive patterns of thinking. It's one of the best treatments for anxiety, have a chat with your GP about it or look up therapists in your area.

Best of luck on your wedding day, I'm sure it will be wonderful

LostinKildare

Ok, calling the priest a jerk was a bit over the top, sorry. I felt a flash of anger when I read the OP.

I do still think it was both rude (to my mind, it's condescending to tell another adult how they should behave, for appearances' sake -- as if you were a child!) and insensitive (he may not know the extent of your anxiety, but clearly he could see you have trouble holding another person's gaze --- that's not nothing, and a sensitive person would not loudly draw attention to it, embarrassing you and increasing your discomfort).

But most likely, like most people, he was being thoughtlessly insensitive, not maliciously so. He put his foot in his mouth; we've all done it, try not to let it put you off your game. If you feel nervous on the day, as a poster above suggested, look over at your husband, your parents -- those you love best.

Dark Phoenix

mike_ie wrote: »

I'm going to go against the above and say that I don't think the priest was being rude, or trying to be rude. The priest isn't to know that you actually do suffer from social anxiety, and has probably had dozens if not more couples pass through his church, with all sorts of issues, concerns and pre-wedding jitters, and it sounds like he uses humour and lightheartness to get them through the day.

You said yourself that 'he's a lovely lovely man, so down to earth and very funny', and I think that his comment was part of that package - unfortunately this comment in particular hit a nerve with you because of your anxiety. I don't think there is any harm in letting the priest know that you suffer with anxiety and that you are not generally being rude when you can't hold someone's gaze - more than likely he'll be apologetic, and will make suggestions on how to deal with it on the day. But to label him as being a jerk and insensitive is a bit much, I think.

I agree with the above. I think sometimes when people suffer with issues such as anxiety / social anxiety / self consciousness / lack of confidence theres a tendency to refuse to own their own actions and problems. As a result anyone who doesnt acknowledge it or treat them in a special way or anyone who challenges it a bit gets labelled as 'insensitive' etc.

The social anxiety you suffer is your problem not anyone elses. You cant expect people to walk on eggshells around you for fear of upsetting you. You need to own and be responsible for your own behaviour and your own issues. It is not your fault you have those issues I understand that, but its not fair to put it as anyone elses fault either.

Id suggest that if your social anxiety is this bad its worth seeking treatment for it of you have not already.

It sounds like the preist could see that you struggle a bit with eye contact and was genuinely just trying to help. I;d argue that if it is such a worry for you coming up to your wedding to have to look people in the eye and speak to them - would a smaller wedding be less stress? I;d hate to be planning a wedding if it entailed something I was dreading.