Physical Affection is Tough

LegacyUser

Hi, unreg atm.

I find physical affection or physical contact tough to deal with. I like my personal space and have boundaries. It's only really become a problem in the past few years. Until I was around 16 (when I last kissed someone), hugging and kissing wasn't a problem but now it is. I get anxious just hugging people sometimes, and have even had panic attacks after some people hugged me.

I've my second date with this guy next week (going to the zoo and dinner) and I'm afraid that he'll try to hold my hand/hug/kiss me. I feel like it's weird to say that just handholding or a kiss (even if it's on the cheek) is saying that we're going too fast, because really that's nothing.

I'm 22, (23 soon) if that makes a difference? I went to counselling last year for stress and general anxiety. I said it to my counsellor and she said I like my space so it's nothing to worry about. I think it could be though. I know people will say "he'll understand if you say you're not ready to go that fast," but if on the second date I'm not willing to hug him or just hold his hand, will that scare him about how long it may take us to go further? Handholding is kid stuff, what seven year olds do with their 'boyfriends.' It should hardly have me stressed, right?

We were acquaintances before our first date, and text/call each other every day (this date took a while to plan because of busy, clashing schedules). I don't want to scare him, but I don't want to push myself either. What should I do?

blatantrereg

Just explain it to him.

He probably will be okay with it. If he's not able to be okay with it then he's just not a good match for you. You clearly need someone who is able to be understanding of it.

If you don't explain then he'ill probably assume it is something to do with him himself. You are unlikely to be physically able to force affection before you're comfortable with it - it will make you more tense if you try to. If you flinch at physical contact from him and don't explain he might interpret it that his adavnces aren't welcome at all.

In terms of tolerating physical affection you might find it easier to give rather than receive affection.

tara73

hmm, honestly, I would say it's a difficult one and the counsellour who said it's nothing to worry, you are how you are, is a useless one and not woth a penny.

the question is, why are you scared about physical contact? do you know it? did anything bad happened in childhood or further in your life?

I would really try to work on it, search for a more helpfull and professional counsellour to find the reasons for your anxiety, because it will effect your life and possible relationships. if even holding hands makes you feel uncomfortable, there is no loving, intimate relationship possible at the moment and very little to none want to sustain such a relationship.

I agree with the poster above, if you're ready for it, best thing would be to tell your date about your issues, but also that you're trying to work on it (counselling) and solve it. there's the risk it drags him away, but then you know he's not the right one.

strobe

I couldn't agree more with Tara. Isn't that the exact opposite of what you pay a counselor for?

"So counselor, I have this issue that's negatively effecting my life."

"Ah sure that's just the way you are. That'll be 90 euro please. "

honey79

blatantrereg wrote: »

Just explain it to him.

He probably will be okay with it. If he's not able to be okay with it then he's just not a good match for you. You clearly need someone who is able to be understanding of it.


.

Really good advice I had this problem didn't tell him and it was always on my mind I'd panic as soon as he came near me I didn't tell him and relationship ended before it started really my doing , I needed to deal with it myself before I could deal with telling someone else when I did meet someone else I told him and he was really good about it , Now I'm fine with affection it just took time - speaking to someone about it really did help

December2012

Actually I wouldn't say it. I don't think second dates are times to bring up issues.

I would look into why you're so anti touching.

And maybe try and train yourself to be less averse. For example, go for a manicure. The manicurist will be touching your hands for a specified smount of time and for a specified purpose.

Maybe you're just not used to physical touch? Do you play sport? Go for massage?

Have you any sensory issues?

LegacyUser

tara73 wrote: »

the question is, why are you scared about physical contact? do you know it? did anything bad happened in childhood or further in your life?

I would really try to work on it, search for a more helpfull and professional counsellour to find the reasons for your anxiety, because it will effect your life and possible relationships. if even holding hands makes you feel uncomfortable, there is no loving, intimate relationship possible at the moment and very little to none want to sustain such a relationship.

OP here. Thanks everybody.

I've said it to some friends recently (they've always known that I have an issue with even them sitting too close to me), and they've all said "it's just the way you are," or "just learn to let go of that fear." I'm finding that that's easier said than done, as the thought of hand holding breaks me into a sweat. In work we had a training day where we had to do the trust exercise where you fall backwards into someones arms, and I had to fake being sick because 1) I just couldn't trust anyone to catch me and 2) I didn't want to be that close to a friend or co-worker.

My parents were physically abusive towards me until I was four (my grandmother got full custody then), so that could have something to do with it? I'm not sure. She was very affectionate towards me to be honest.

De Oro

How do you feel towards sex in general?

tara73

anon929292 wrote: »

My parents were physically abusive towards me until I was four (my grandmother got full custody then), so that could have something to do with it? I'm not sure. She was very affectionate towards me to be honest.

that's what I was guessing, there's a severe childhood trauma. It definately is the reason ( or one main part of it) although you might feel as if it's not because many grown ups suppress what happens in their childhood if it was a trauma.

it is hard work, but if you want to overcome it, as said, you need a very good counsellor.

blatantrereg

I think taking time to get comfortable with someone and allowing things to progress naturally is what will result in you getting past it. Talking to a paid stranger is less likely to help it.

I agree that getting into too much detail on a second date might be a bit full on. However if he tries to be affectionate and gets a negative reaction he'll take that as being shot down. A single sentence comment would be enough to indicate otherwise. You don't need to get into any detail. All you're doing is saying actually I am interested, I just need to take a little time. It's so he doesn't reach an incorrect conclusion - which most people would otherwise.

jackofalltrades

blatantrereg wrote: »

I think taking time to get comfortable with someone and allowing things to progress naturally is what will result in you getting past it. Talking to a paid stranger is less likely to help it.

To be fair a counsellor is a bit more than a paid stranger.
They're trained and experienced professionals who would have experience with dealing with this kind of issue.
I think given the OPs history it's unlikely that things will just resolve themselves.

OP I definitely tell your date about how you feel about physical affection.
Depending on how affectionate he is, it's high likely that he would try to hug/kiss you on a 2nd date.

gsi300024v

You say you don't want to push yourself, but I'm sure you'd like to be able to hold this guys hand etc? That'll take work and pushing.
But for sure explain yourself to him, it'll help you relax around him if you do rather than have to hide it from him some how. It's not really something by the sounds of it that you can hide.

gsi300024v

How long did you go to counselling? Why did you stop going or are you still going? Sometimes what a counsellor says is different from what we think we here. A counsellor just saying you like your own space when this gets you so worked up doesn't sound great counselling. But you're 23 so you've plenty of time to work on all these things and fairplay to you for seeing these issues and already getting some help.

beks101

I think this is going to take a concerted effort on your part to work through OP. And I do think you will need to push yourself and stop avoiding situations where you might encounter physical contact.

First of all, shop around for a new counsellor who won't belittle or dismiss what is a very real personal issue for you.

Then, push yourself a little in your interactions with others. Hug your friends when you meet them, do those work training courses, go for a massage, a manicure, go visit your grandmother/a close relative and give them a nice long hug.

In terms of the guy, I agree that the second date might be a bit soon for such an intimate conversation. Perhaps you could say something like "I'm a bit sensitive/take a while to feel comfortable with someone new, I really like you but would you mind if we took it slow?" If I liked someone and they told me that, I'd have no problem being patient and not too affectionate right away.

I'm very sorry for the abuse you were subjected to by your parents. I used to be a bit uncomfortable with physical affection too, but what Ive learned is that it's a wonderful way of harvesting intimacy between two people and of expressing love for someone special in your life. I learned that I didn't want to misrepresent my feelings with the important people in my life and now I'll never go a day without hugging and holding hands with my OH or giving a friend a hug or embracing a work colleague who has been having a bad day.

It can be a deeply rewarding and comforting act. Don't neglect yourself of the experience. Work hard to get to the root of it so that it doesn't affect your personal relationships anymore.