Gambling Partner - How do I help

LegacyUser

My Partner is gambling on-line quite a bit. Over the month it amounts to around 250-300€. Money is tight with us, and they know this and they also know that they have a problem. My partner is dependent on me financially and asks me for money on a regular basis, usually something for the kids/groceries. I give them the money not knowing how much is actually for food, some of it is probably gambled away. I go to bed first so the gambling is usually done after that. I have asked them to disable the account online and to stop it, but to to avail. I just feel angry and that I cant trust them with money. I get paid monthly and we are usually struggling for money at the end of the month because of this,

My Partner says they know they have a problem and is trying to stop but cant, they organised to meet someone to talk to who specialises in this area. I was happy about that. They never went.
I checked our bank account this morning and more money went to this website.

I dont know what to do now, how can I help them?

Please help

ABajaninCork

You can start by NOT enabling the gambling any more. You can't do anything to help, unless and until your partner acknowledges there is a problem and ACTIVELY seeks help. Does your partner work? What happens to their money?? What you can and MUST do is protect yourself and your finances.

Either change your passwords on the account so that your partner can't access it, or you get another bank account and pay your wages into that. Take control of the household bills yourself. Ensure the rent/mortgage, utilities and food are taken care of from the account. Any money for the kids - YOU take them shopping yourself or pay for their activities YOURSELF. It might also help to go some Gambling Anonymous meetings to understand what is happening and why.

Other than that - I'm not sure what else I can tell you.

MrWalsh

I think you need to lay out a written down or excel spreadsheet budget each month - with no gambling money - and stick to it. Do not allow your partner access to accounts where the money might just be gambled.

I feel that it sounds very harsh to cut off your partners access because presumably the financial dependence is as a result of being in charge of the house and childcare etc so although the contribution to the "household" is not financial, it is still a worthy contribution.

For that reason I think you cannot cut off ALL money (it seems very controlling to suggest such a thing anyway) - but the budget should allow some personal spending money for each of you to spend as you choose. The rest of the household income must be used as the budget dictates.

Above all your partner needs intervention by a suitable medical or therapy professional but this has to come from your partner.

You need some support too and if there is nothing else available to you locally you could go to an Alanon meeting, many of the same behaviours manifest no matter the type of addiction so you will be supported by people who understand your position there and you will learn how not to enable, how to cope.

I think you also need to think about a time frame in which you are willing to accept progress, there is no point always accepting "i will change" if no change happens. Realistically you need to see the person making efforts to change or you have to think about the future. But for now you need to stop enabling and try to get your partner help.

Big Bag of Chips

My friend went through similar, and what she had to do, and felt terrible doing it, but she had to take away all his access to cash. She gave him "pocket money". He was going to Gamblers' Anonymous though and she was also going to GamAnon.

You know he has a problem yet you hand over cash and don't know where he spends it. Ask for receipts. Be in no doubt that your partner is in debt. Possibly a lot more debt than you imagine. He may well have loans taken out in your name.. My friend's husband had. She worked, he didn't. It took her 4 years to clear the loans he had taken out to cover his tracks.

He lied about big things. He lied about little things. He lied when there was no need to lie. Your partner is almost certainly lying to you and playing down the extent of the problem. Nobody gambles up to €300 a month for fun if the family is struggling. They gamble that much, and probably more, because they have a compulsion. He is trying to catch up with himself. Trying to win back what he lost so that it will be ok, and he won't have to admit to you how much is actually gone.

You need to talk to him. You need to tell him your family can no longer afford it and he has to stop. And he has to get help to stop. If he is serious about stopping he will do whatever it takes. If he's not interested in stopping, yet, then you can't do anything. You can of course take away his cash supply but he will find it somewhere else.

My friend's husband had borrowed off a number of friends, as well as bank loans and credit cards. And believe it or not, when he came back from his first meeting he told his wife he wasn't the worst one there.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about this problem OP. I just want to give you my perspective as a gambling addict and where it took me to.

I was a secret gambler with multiple online accounts and would gamble on anything. For a number of years I was only getting a few hours sleep a night as if I was not gambling it was constantly in my head, I would stay up late at night on my laptop gambling on anything and everything. I had numerous credit cards, loans etc. and would easily gamble multiples of my monthly wage in weekend. I was in deep debt and the only way out I could see was gambling. I was living in my own head and not sharing this was anybody which was affecting my mood and sanity.

Eventually after years of gambling it all came to a head. I was married six months and my wife was talking about our future (children, house etc.) and I knew it was not going to happen but I could not say, so discussions about the future always led to arguments. After a huge row I decided that I had to come clean. On the day that I was going to do it I stayed late in work and walk the longest way home that I could. I am Irish but live in Glasgow, so on the way home I stopped by the Clyde River and stood for a few minutes deciding whether I would throw myself in or not. Instead I went home and told my wife what was happening, it took me a while to get her to believe me. I don't know how I did it, but it is the best decision I have ever made. I thought our marriage was over, had my wife walked out I probably would have continued gambling, but she stood by me.

A week later I went to my first GA meeting and it has changed my life, but it only works because I don't want to go back to the lifestyle that I had when I was gambling. At meetings I get a lot of support and empathy from people who think/act the same way as me, and I can share things that I don't feel that other people would understand. It is now more than 3 years since I had my last bet, and my life and more importantly the lives of those around me are better as a result. I have quit a job I hated and now have one I love. My wife and I have bought our first house and are expecting our first child later this year. I am now in a position where I am responsible and can be trusted. No more running away or sticking my head in the sand. We still have debt and it will probably be 2020 before we clear my gambling debt, but it is being paid and will be cleared.

In terms of advice I agree with what a lot of other posters have shared. Him getting help depends on him wanting it. Multiple times at the end of the day I would say to myself never again and mean it, but do the same again the next day. He need to directly acknowledge his problem and take steps to address it. Words are meaningless. You are going to have to be hard and direct with him. As a compulsive gambler I would lie and try to manipulate people emotionally to get what I wanted. If he is going to gamble when he has money then he can't have money. If you take financial control then he does not need money for anything. You cannot believe a word that he says. He needs to be accountable. If he is gambling online then K9 or Gamblock can be installed on devices to block access to gambling sites.

He also needs to take steps to talk to someone to sort out his head. GA worked for me. Some people are put off because they associate it with god etc. From my experience it can be as religious or spiritual as you want, nobody has tried to shove any of that down my throat. But there are alternatives available. More importantly for you, you need to talk to someone. My wife doesn't go to GamAnon but I know countless other people who have benefited from it. The purpose there is not to talk about the gamblers but to help people who are affected by gambling addicts.

Best of luck OP. I shared my story to illustrate that it is possible to address this issue if you both want to. It does rely on him wanting to change and doing something about it. If he doesn't then you are going to have to make some hard decisions.

Meathlass

Your partner can ask the online gambling company (if they're based in Ireland) to block their account.

Of course this won't solve the underlying problem, as unless they want to change they will just find another way to gamble.

Stop giving your partner money and block access to your account if they have it. If something is needed for the house or kids you buy it.

ceadaoin.

Meathlass wrote: »

You can ask the online gambling company (if they're based in Ireland) to block your partner's account.

Of course this won't solve the underlying problem, as unless they want to change they will just find another way to gamble.

Stop giving your partner money and block access to your account if they have it. If something is needed for the house or kids you buy it.

You can't ask the company to block someone's else's account. If he calls them and informs them he has a problem then they will close the account and not allow him to open another one, but it has to come from him.

Meathlass

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You can't ask the company to block someone's else's account. If he calls them and informs them he has a problem then they will close the account and not allow him to open another one, but it has to come from him.

Sorry, yes, that's what I meant to say. Obviously they can just go to another company afterwards so it has to come from them and be genuine.

ivytwine

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You can't ask the company to block someone's else's account. If he calls them and informs them he has a problem then they will close the account and not allow him to open another one, but it has to come from him.

Yes but....

If she does contact the company they will suspend his account, and when he next contacts they will tell him they had a contact from a concerned relative and probe him for issues.

I'm not sure if that will work though OP as there may be a row between yourself and your husband if you go down this road. Unfortunately if he tells the company that he doesn't have a problem they will have to unsuspend the account- the ultimate decision has to come from him.

ivytwine

Apologies Zippie, of course, you're right. Just going by the company I work for- that would be our own policy. We'd be strict. We pick up on new accounts in as far as practicably possible- we did have one PG person who set up a new account in a different name and address but we even found them eventually. Generally speaking new accounts would be found within 24hrs and closed, with any deposits- if they got that far- returned.

Our policy on third parties would be to not divulge any info but suspend the account, and explain why we have done so to the acc holder. Ultimately though if the acc holder says the third party overreacted or it was a prank etc we would have to reactivate the account. We do have to take the account holder's word on it.

We do exclusion periods also. Finally we would have a proactive policy and are trained to spot certain phrases and so on and we can permanently close an account if we feel it's in the customer's best interests without their consent.

Each company is different however.

ivytwine

God that's terrible. I do know that one of my colleagues tested our rivals- dropping in the phrases etc- and he was ignored by the staff of that site.

You do have to contact us directly but once you do it's all over in less than 5 minutes. Not to say we're perfect- there are eff-ups like in any company- but generally our policy works quite well.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this, but from a personal point of view I am quite glad to close some accounts permanently. People who are under stress with an addiction can be quite unpleasant to deal with- it's the addiction talking of course- and it's often a relief to have them close the account. There's huge relief on the gambler's part too. Having dealt with lots of those queries the customer is usually very relieved to have closed their account.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note: Although previous posts have been informative, please keep in mind that the OP posted looking for advice on a specific problem.

Jon Stark

Sometimes when someone is suffering from an addiction, the only thing that can wake them up is drastic measures.

OP, you need to ask yourself how much longer you're willing to passively stand by while your partner not only destroys his own life but yours also. Your pleas for him to seek help are not only falling on deaf ears but he's lying to you, as all addicts do.

It's all well and good telling him to seek help but he's taking you for granted, and that's why he has no motivation to seriously seek help. He's thinks you're always going to be there to bail him out or forgive him.

A partner of family member with an addiction is an absolutely horrific thing to deal with and you have my absolute sympathy OP. It's important that people in your position look after your own mental wellbeing so if he continues to avoid facing up to his problem and hurting you, you need to consider leaving him.

3DataModem

I work in the gambling business.

I strongly advise that you encourage the person to actively seek assistance.

The most useful method can be to self exclude (most allow eg 6 months self exclusion, or permanent) from their services.

It would also be useful to encourage them to restrict access to payment methods that enable online gambling (eg debit and credit cards, PayPal).

Best of luck. They are lucky to have someone supportive like you.