Totally lost

LegacyUser

Hi, not really sure where to start and appologies if this is long:

So I've been with my BF for two years now, we have always been long distance (different counties) and don't live together. We were supposed to move into our own place by the end of the year but he kept going out every weekend with his friends so no money was saved on his part, he makes more money than I do so I can't afford to pay everything myself I need him to contribute. I've tried speaking to him about it but he just slags me off (which he knows gets on my nerves, there's a time and place) without actually discussing the issue at hand. He decided to go back to college this year which I think is fantastic but I wish he had consulted me about it first seeing as it's goimg to cut our time together less now and means it'll be a further 3 years before we can move in together.

Another major issue was he had promised to take me on holiday to another country which at first was a surprise but he let it slip so we started saving for that, however his friends offered him a trip which was even further away and he accepted without asking me first which meant our trip was cancelled. His friends did not ask me to come on this trip even though all their girlfriends are going. I asked my BF about this and he said I was over reacting and that of course his friends liked me, I said then why wasn't I asked? And he got angry saying I was starting an argument over nothing. Any time I tried to discuss it with him he'd just get angry and accuse me of "starting sh*t" so I just dropped it because there's no point talking to him.

My grandmother passed away this week and because he had college interviews I told him not to miss them so I was on my own at her funeral, I know that is not his fault but Tonight I asked him to come to a concert with me and he point blank refused, like he says he misses me all the time but never actually wants to do anything with me. He got really angry again and to be honest I'm at a total loss of what to do, I can't talk to him about anything because 1 he'll start slagging me because he thinks it's funny, or 2 he'll get really angry and everything will be my fault. We're both in our mid-late 20s.

dee_mc

Everything your boyfriend is doing suggests that he wants out of the relationship.
To be honest it sounds as though he's behaving as badly as possible in the hope that you will break up with him.
You need to sit down and have an honest chat with your boyfriend about what you both want, although to be honest if I were you I would just cut my losses because I would want and expect to be treated with more respect and regard.

ColeTrain

He seems very inconsiderate to put it lightly.

One thing that stood out for me was you said that his friends didn't invite you on the holiday, even though all of their girlfriends were going? The fact is, it was your boyfriend that didn't invite you! If he wanted you there then you would have been there. That's bad enough but the fact he went and didn't care that it effectively cancelled your holiday together is unacceptable.

I would cut my losses with him because he doesn't seem bothered about you. You deserve better.

melon_collie

Hi OP. From what you have stated I would recommend that you leave this guy. He comes across as being childish, gutless and non caring. The 3 things I would say from reading your post would be:

1. He should have invited you on holidays with his friends if all their girlfriends were going. And I think that if he did really care about you he would have asked you regardless of what his friends said/thought.
2. In terms of your grandmothers funeral, regardless of what I was doing in terms of work commitments or interviews, etc. I would make an effort to be with my girlfriend/wife at either the funeral or wake, especially if you were close to her or were really upset over the death.
3. The fact that he is getting angry and laughing at you when you try to discuss things with him, shows to me a complete lack of respect toward you.

He tells you that he loves you but doesn't show it. He sounds to me to be full of sh1t. The fact that you have been seeing each other long distance is convenient for him as he doesn't have to see you all of the time and he can do his own thing the rest of the time. I'm sorry I have to be so honest with you but you deserve the truth and deserve better.

Best of luck

pookie82

Honestly, I think the death knell of any relationship is repeatedly raising concerns and being accused of starting fights and being needy/dramatic in return as a default response. It shows a complete disregard for your feelings or opinions.

This guy is acting like he's single. He spends far more time with his friends and gives them priority over spending any sort of time with you. That's one thing when it's just confined to socialising, but holidays, too?

Cancelling your holiday to go off on a couples' holiday where you're not invited is quite low, never mind accusing you of being dramatic when you dare to question why you're not on the list.

Do you think he'd put up a fight even if you threatened to end this? Something tells me he might be playing that despicable game of "if I just show I don't care enough she'll end it for me."

giggle84

dee_mc wrote: »

Everything your boyfriend is doing suggests that he wants out of the relationship.
To be honest it sounds as though he's behaving as badly as possible in the hope that you will break up with him.

Completely agree with this, sorry OP. Your boyfriend is a @rsehole plain and simple. You deserve better than that.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies, I was beginning to think I was losing the plot!

I spoke to him this morning, I asked straight out if he wanted to be in this relationship and he said yes but is sick of the arguing. I explained why I was upset but of course I'm "over reacting". He just doesn't get why I'm upset at all and there's only so many ways I can explain it. His friends are organising the trip and booked it for him, but the fact they didn't ask me as well is what is upsetting me but he doesn't get that at all.

He did say he'd make more of an effort but I've heard that so many times I won't be holding my breath.

howamidifferent

It's over in all but name OP. He just wants you to make the call....
Dont wait around...Do it.

strobe

The only realistic reason as to why I could think a guy wouldn't invite his girlfriend on a holiday he was going on with a bunch of other couples, in particular one that meant he would have to cancel his planned holiday with her, is because he wanted to be single while on the holiday, along with everything being single on a holiday entails.

How often do you actually see each other?

LegacyUser

He says I am invited but it took me getting upset over it to actually get that response.

Normally see each other during the week or weekends, work/schedule permitting, lately it hasn't been as often as my grandmother was quite ill before she passed away so I had been with her.

orthsquel

It doesn't sound like you and your relationship is a priority.... up until you mentioned you see eachother at weekends or during the week schedules permitting it came across to me like it was an online relationship that nobody but you and him knew about, rather than a long distance one with regular meet ups. I also thought there was an element of "out of sight, out of mind" at play here too.

It sounds like you have different priorities, especially where money is concerned, where you were happy to save up for things like moving in together or trips away, when he was happy to half commit to those ideas, but then just as equally happy to run off with the lads for the weekend or whatever he wanted. He doesn't sound particularly invested in the relationship if moving in together isn't a shared goal with shared saving for it and I think the only way it ever will happen, is by you pestering him to move in as a matter of obligation akin to how you are now invited on that holiday with him and his friends and their gfs.

tbh him trying better or trying harder probably isn't going to cut it..... and I don't think you should settle for the relationship as is on that note of him trying harder to meet you half way on things, because he either will without having to be dragged to doing it, or won't because he just isn't that interested. He and you might have a future, but very much as separate entities, as that is how he seems to view himself, rather than as part of a couple in a 2 year relationship.

I don't really see any reason why you should remain in a relationship with someone that really isn't that interested or that pushed about moving your relationship forward and I think if you went on that holiday with him, his friends and their gfs, I don't think it will go well at all.

You deserve better and deep down you probably know that..... put the money you've set aside for a nice, fun holiday doing something you've always wanted to do, but as a single woman rebooting your life.