Cutting Out My Narcisstic Mother

Bunsbun

I have decided that I can no longer have my mother in my life.

I am 9 weeks pregnant (surprise) and was due to get married later in the year. When we found out about the pregnancy, we decided to postpone the wedding. I will be as big as a house by then and we can't celebrate the day the way we wanted. We have a number of other things going on too so the pressure was all getting too much. We realised we'd be going ahead for everyone else and not for us. Most people were cool with this. Even close relatives who are travelling long distance. Everyone that is, except my mother.

She threatened to holiday to Australia to see my sister, leaving the care of my chronically ill father in my hands. She said that now the wedding is cancelled, she's so depressed, has nothing to live for and feels like dying. She managed to briefly change our minds due to the power of her manipulation. But a few days later, we said we couldn't go through with it.

On Tuesday, I got a call to say that she now wants to announce my 9 week pregnancy to everyone and tell them that the wedding is cancelled. I asked could we wait the 2.5 weeks until I am 12 weeks pregnant. She then accused me of being so selfish and how could I do this etc. I instantly felt under so much pressure not to miscarry in order to save myself from a possible very public miscarriage.

On that day this happened, I was running my business (single handedly) and the pressure just got too much. I drove myself to the Mater and just burst into tears when i got there, asking to be admitted. They sent me for free counselling, which really helped. In the session, I blurted out that I need to cut my mother out of my life. The therapist understood.

When i came home, I googled 'cutting your mother out of your life' and found a very interesting article of a woman who did exactly that. I was brought to her website and I read her material on her own experience of her narcissistic mother. The similarities were frightening and I read more. It was like she was writing about my whole life.

For the 32 years I have been on this planet, I have been consistently emotionally abused by my mother and father. I always thought it was just my dad as he was diagnosed as mentally ill. I healed a lot of my relationship with him through counselling in my 20's following a severe depression diagnosis and a failed suicide attempt.

I have lived a life believing I was inherently bad or defective. My father has called me fat, an ugly pic, a drama queen, mad, an antichrist, a pushover, an idiot, the list goes on.

My mother has no boundaries, no empathy, makes everything about her, invalidates my feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, opinions and the very essence of who I am.

They have put the lion's share of the family's guilt, shame, anger, frustration and problems squarely on my shoulders since I can remember. I was told it was all in my head, i'm imagining it. I have until this day thought I was neurotic and deeply flawed.

Both of my sisters live abroad. So I am the only one here to be dumped on, abused, ridiculed and relied on. I've had enough. I realise that I will never have the life I deserve as long as this woman is in my life. My dad is a low threat now because he is so ill and lives in a nursing home. But my mothers demands of me are suffocating and extremely manipulative.

She has tried to drive a wedge between myself and my fiance too. He is wonderful and has been a huge support to me throughout all of this.

I now must make a choice between my sanity and providing my mother with her much needed narcissistic supply. For me and for my baby, I have to choose us. I will not allow my child to be poisoned by her either. I see what she does with my sister's kids and it's horrible.

And so the time has come to cut her out. I have tried reasoning, counselling and low contact, but nothing works with her. I am merely an object for her use. I realise that I may lose my entire family if I cut her out but it's now a risk i'm willing to take. I will end up ill if I don't get out of this. I have already made bad choices and have been mentally so persecuted by all of this. I was sexually promiscuous since age 14 in an effort to find love, I picked the wrong partners (til now - fluke, really.), allowed friends, co-workers, strangers to treat me appalingly, developed anxiety, OCD and depression. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry for rambling but it feels so good to get this out and finally see this for what it is.

I would love to hear from people with similar stories on how they cut an abusive parent from their lives. How they coped with the judgements, the attempts at manipulation, the grief, the stress. All of it. I would really appreciate it if you would be kind enough to share your experience.

Thank you.

nc19

All I can say is do it.

Just because she gave birth to do doesn't mean she owns you.

It's quite simple really, if your life will be better off with her not in it then why put yourself through it?

I imagine it will get worse when the baby arrives

jimmycrackcorm

What exactly is stopping you from dealing with your mother? I take it you don't live at home, so you can have as little or as much contract with her as you chose.

You mentioned that she threatened to go on holidays leaving your father for you to look after but I'm confused because you also said he is in a nursing home.

I think you simply need to relax and be assertive; decide that you are at a stage where you are in control of your own life and don't give a monkeys if your mother throws a strop. Let her tell everyone that you are postponing the wedding because you are pregnant, who's going to be upset about that?

LegacyUser

Whats exactly stopping you from cutting contact? Does she live nearby? Does she phone every day? Who calls who and is always making the contact? If its you Op stop doing it. You are pregnant now, so you need to look after your mental and physical wellbeing for the next couple of months.

daisybelle2008

Bunsbun wrote: »

I have decided that I can no longer have my mother in my life.


I would love to hear from people with similar stories on how they cut an abusive parent from their lives. How they coped with the judgements, the attempts at manipulation, the grief, the stress. All of it. I would really appreciate it if you would be kind enough to share your experience.

Thank you.

OP its good you have made a decision that you think is best for you.
Just be careful you don’t end up making a big drama out of this. It might be easy to get addicted to that. Keep up your counselling but I would not be inclined to be dealing with it outside. Googling and diagnosing your mothers narcissism is all very well but don’t get addicted to your victim identity with a focus on your mother as a narcissist and keep alive this issue, you are giving her a lot of power doing that. You are here inviting to ‘share’ stories and experiences of dysfunctional parents, why??

You say you want her out of her life, well sitting around talking, blogging, googling, diagnosing and thinking about her is not removing her from your life. That is her renting space in your head more than if she is there physically....


You have decided to not deal with her, just do that. Move on, be happy, deal with it with your therapist…..just interact with your mother less, keep it that simple, don’t give her power or energy by letting it take over your life.

Bunsbun

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

What exactly is stopping you from dealing with your mother? I take it you don't live at home, so you can have as little or as much contract with her as you chose.

She is extremely persistent. Creates catastrophes around her health that has me running to her side. My sisters project a lot of the family arrangements on to me because I am the only one here. If my mother is unwell, my father's care falls into my hands.

You mentioned that she threatened to go on holidays leaving your father for you to look after but I'm confused because you also said he is in a nursing home.

Because of my father's mental condition, he does not allow the nurses to do things that they would do for other patients. I don't want to go into detail here but he demands these things of my mother and i'm expected to upkeep them when she's away. This results in very regular visiting and time spent with him.

I think you simply need to relax and be assertive; decide that you are at a stage where you are in control of your own life and don't give a monkeys if your mother throws a strop. Let her tell everyone that you are postponing the wedding because you are pregnant, who's going to be upset about that?

I don't want the whole world to know that I am 9 weeks pregnant in case something happens before the 12 weeks. The issue is that she gives me no autonomy over my privacy. By cutting her out, I will regain that privacy.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP its good you have made a decision that you think is best for you.
Just be careful you don’t end up making a big drama out of this. It might be easy to get addicted to that. Keep up your counselling but I would not be inclined to be dealing with it outside. Googling and diagnosing your mothers narcissism is all very well but don’t get addicted to your victim identity with a focus on your mother as a narcissist and keep alive this issue, you are giving her a lot of power doing that.

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my last post. I have spent 32 years thinking I was the problem. I have been in and out of therapy my whole life. It all came to a head on Tuesday when I couldn't take any more pressure. it was from talking to the counsellor and reading up on stuff that I could finally categorise what had happened to me. This is new. It's not something I have been wallowing in by any stretch and I have no interest in being a victim. I feel like I have received a diagnosis for my abuse and it is liberating. There is nothing addictive to me about feeling passive. I have experienced that all of my life.

You are here inviting to ‘share’ stories and experiences of dysfunctional parents, why??

Because I could never understand what was being done to me and why until this week. I feel like I would like to reach out to other people who have also experienced this kind of abuse. I would like to feel understood, not alone and not judged. This is something people do if they've experienced other types of abuse. So why wouldn't I seek this kind of help when the abuse is emotional?

You say you want her out of her life, well sitting around talking, blogging, googling, diagnosing and thinking about her is not removing her from your life. That is her renting space in your head more than if she is there physically....

I made this decision on Tuesday. I read up about it on Wednesday. It is now Thursday. I get your point but you're being a bit harsh. I'm not 'sitting around' just aimlessly googling.

You have decided to not deal with her, just do that. Move on, be happy, deal with it with your therapist…..just interact with your mother less, keep it that simple, don’t give her power or energy by letting it take over your life.

That is absolutely my intention. In reality, it's a lot harder to do. But this is my goal.

Thanks for your time.

LegacyUser

If you truly believe your mother is NPD then you have no choice. There is no other way but no contact. Narcissicm is far out on a different scale from the "disfunctional" parent.

Your family are her flying monkeys, they through either brainwashing or maybe some are also NPD, are not going to understand.

THey will be used to "hoover" you back in. Stay strong.

The grieving process is not easy. Because you not only have to mourn your mother, but also a mother you never had the grieving process is incredibly complex. This will all be amplified by impending motherhood and once the baby is born, you can anticipate some strong grieving. At no more poignant point will you wish you had a mother to guide you than when you have your newborn.

Keep your baby away from her.

Expect no one to understand, no one will, except others with NPD mothers. No one will until they finally see the wreckage your life turns into by maintaining contact.

Stop asking why your mother does these things to you. You are her scapegoat for all her inner emptiness....there are a million and one reasons for this and too complex for these boards. It's a very complex pathology and very few psychologists will even get it and what it means for you and the child and your fiance.

If she hates you now, just wait till you have the baby...she will call you a child abuser, possibly call social services, start a smear campaign, make you feel **** as a mother.

Drop her if you want to survive.

stuboy01

Exactly like my wife's relationship with her mother. You are not alone in experiencing this.
I know how hard it is to do it but just stop seeing her. It took years for my wife to do it, but one day she just stopped contact.
Her mother destroyed the family, set sisters against each other, made everything about her, went off the rails anytime there was a pregnancy in the family so that she would get attention etc. turns out she had been getting treatment for manic depression for decades without anyone knowing.
Make your decision, as someone above said, don't make a big deal of it if it can be helped. Just stop all contact.

Bunsbun

Thank you all so much.

Since I figured out what was going on with my mother, I just feel an overwhelming feeling of understanding for everything that has happened to me. And it's actually driving me into a spin. I'm so deeply traumatised by all that has happened. To be honest, the last thing on my mind is my mother. My survival is so much more important.

All of my emotions are hitting me out of left field. It's like I finally realise that I do finally have permission to grieve for this abuse. That it wasn't imaginary. That I wasn't just being a drama queen. It's suddenly like there's so much to grieve for as my feelings were constantly invalidated.

She has already destroyed the relationship between my two sisters.

Thanks to the people posting experiences. I was made to believe that I was the problem all of my life. It is so liberating to hear that others have had the same experience. It's awful but at least I can finally say that it's real.

LegacyUser

Bunsbun,

This is a painful process, ignore all glib responses about be happy and move on. It's not that simple to go through this diillusionment.

One thing my father would say to me, was explain to me not to take it personally, that she was incapable of love, that she didn't love me because she couldn't love me, she couldn't love anyone.

It's not you. This is a deep deficit of someone very damaged.

I ended up changing bank accounts, address, phone numbers, anything or anyone that bridged me to her, including family, friends, or anything she could possibly access to contact me, including having given up some inheritance. I have some mild ptsd reactions to any reminder of her, it;s like having a rapist still out there.

And there are a lot of secondary losses. Brace yourself.

shaymus27

Bunsbun,
Some of the replies to you have sounded incredibly harsh. They may be correct in what they say but are a bit lacking in sensitivity given the incredible abuse you have suffered through your life.
Society tells people they are supposed to love their parents, family etc. It's hard to cut your parent out.
Despite your age you still relate to your mother in child to parent way. I know women who regress from being professional tough people to a being the child when dealing with their parents. It is the only way their parents will "allow" them to relate to them.
Your mother will never change. You will only ever be able to relate to her on her terms - no consideration or respect for you whatsoever while she continues to abuse you.
You have to cut her out. When you do you will feel better and in time will wonder why you didn't do it earlier.
I can relate to you realising it was never your fault. With me I kept reading that you have to forgive your parents in order to move on. I think that is rubbish. I acknowledged that they had their limitations etc. Ultimately it is the responsibility of parents to do their best for their kids. Yours did the opposite. You need to correctly blame them, otherwise you will blame yourself.
I watched rte today (Thursday 12 March). The show with Daithi O shea and Maura Derranne. At the end of the show was a guy who used to read the news - Micheal something. He spoke about his own mother and mothers in general and what their role should be. He answers questions about bad mothers etc from viewers. Look at it on rte player if you can as his answers I thought were excellent.
My conclusion on my own family is that if I mentally remained part of that family I would still be the person I was when part of that family. Now that I have cut them all out mentally and physically (don't ring etc) I am me. I like me. You won't like you as long as you are part of that abuse. You can re-invent yourself or be your real you by not allowing the real you to be compromised by their insanity. Once they are in your life in any way (in your thoughts, guilt etc) you are compromising you.
You, your partner and baby deserve the best of you. Not a compromised you.
Cut her out completely. No going back no matter what happens. Don't listen to siblings who may want you to go back.
Look forward to a happy life with your partner and baby. This is your life now, not the old one.

jopax

Hi op, I just wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy. I can't add much more to the great advice you got from the posts which understand your situation.

Just try to stay strong for your new family, that has to be your priority.

I don't think you will be able to just forget about her but you will certainly be able to move on with a better life without her.

Keep up with the counselling too, you will need the support as it will be tough enough emotionally.

I wish you & your chosen family all the best. Stay strong & be happy.

Taltos

Mod Note:
Can I remind posters that our charter is there for a reason. It is not only to protect OP's but posters as well.
PM'ing especially is just not on. Unfortunately we have some real life cases of people attempting to take advantage of others using this function.

So serious are we about this we even created a separate sticky on the topic and generally posters who ask others to PM them get a minimum of a red/infraction and in certain circumstances can result in threads being closed prematurely. Not to mention some posters having permanent bans from here.

The reason for this mod note is it's been brought to our attention that a poster has engaged in this activity in this thread. Please guys, read our charter and if you can't post in agreement with that please don't post.

Thanks
Taltos

deisemum

Bunsbun first of all congratulations on your pregnancy.

I cut my mother out of my life nearly 12 years ago and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.

I've got 8 siblings and my mother has always played one off against another. It was a few years after I cut her out of my life I came across a thread on another site about bad mother daughter relationships and someone posted a link to daughters of narcissistic mothers. It was a lightbulb moment and mirrored so much of what I had put up with from my mother.

My mother is still up to her usual **** stirring amongst my other siblings, she hasn't changed and she never will. She's a very cold person. She did approach me nearly 2 years ago at a family funeral but I just wouldn't entertain her fake ****e.

I'm very happy with my life now, I've got 2 almost grown up children and we've got a very happy and close family life something I didn't have growing up. I'm so proud of my sons and how they're maturing into lovely young men so find it difficult to think there are parents who have to knock the good out of their childrens lives.

Bunsbun you're pregnant and in a matter of months you'll be a mum and have your own family. Your focus should be on your new family and cut out anything and anyone who threatens your family happiness. One thing I've come to realise is that there are a hell of a lot of negative and toxic mother/daughter relationships and a lot of people who haven't experienced such dysfunctional relationships cannot understand how bad they can be.

Your mother has spent her life abusing you and having the power to abuse you, for your own sanity I'd recommend cutting her out of your life but be prepared for your mother to up the ante when she starts to realise you're no longer going to play the victim role and she's losing her power over you but stand firm and have your husband on board to support you if you feel you're starting to weaken. Your sisters will probably be dragged into it. It will probably get worse before it gets better.

freenow

OP, I have been NC with my NPD mother for almost a year. It was a terrifying decision to make because of the past abuse and the fear I still had about my mother. My hands shook as I typed that e-mail (we live in different countries) and my heart hammered whenever I opened my e-mail account for days afterwards. Her reply stated that she couldn't promise to be there for me when I changed my mind. Breathtaking, really.

Like you, finding out about narcissism was bittersweet. Suddenly I could see that the aching self loathing that I had for myself my entire life, the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I was flawed in some way, was not real. And as I found out more and more about this type of parent almost every painful experience of my childhood could be explained. At least I knew it wasn't me that was broken!

It's not all roses though. After the initial rush of telling my mother that I no longer wanted a relationship with her I have been dealing with a lot of grief and anger. I have also "lost" most of my family as they are all still in touch with my mother and understandably they don't want to rock the boat. However, I have never been close with my siblings as we were all set against each other as kids anyway, so I can kind of accept that.

NC was absolutely the right choice for me, as low contact was still enough for my mother to continue her campaign of abuse. Just be prepared OP for life to become a little more difficult at first as your mother will probably engage other family members in trying to reel you back in. My own mother told everyone that she simply had no idea what her crime was and that she was baffled about my decision to go NC. Clearly a lifetime of abuse so subtle that I would never be believed if I told anyone, was not worth mentioning!

I understand your desire to compare experiences. It's not about wanting to revel in being "victims" but rather make sense of a lifetime of abuse that is done in such an underhand way that almost no-one believes us when we tell them.

It sounds as though you have not come to this decision easily. I hope that once you have gone NC you can begin to find yourself, the real lovely person that I am sure you are. I am now recovering from a life threatening eating disorder, and going NC with my mother was the final strand in letting go of the abuse and starting life on my own terms again.

Wishing you all the best!

Neyite

Op there is another long-running thread on mumsnet. If you Google 'but we took you to stately homes' I think you'll find lots and lots of women who have has similar experiences and are dealing with the ongoing complexities of cutting out toxic family.

There comes a point when you reach your limit. A lot of the time when we become parents it puts the spotlight on the job our own parents did with us, and that's where you are now. You do need to guard your own emotional and mental health during pregnancy. if that means cutting out your parents, then it's something you need to consider.

Dracula!

I cut my NPD father out of my life 15 months ago. When I told him I didnt want him in my life anymore I told him I wanted him to take it like a man and not come at me sideways through one of my brothers and my sister. What did he do ? He started bad mouthing me to them. Trying to damage my character. Saying he hadnt done anything wrong and I was cruel( He was extremely violent and cruel in my youth). My brother then deicided to go all out attack on me just after the birth of our second child before xmas. Saying my dad was great and I was playing the victim even though he lives as far away from my dad as he can. That relationship is now broken down. I had a very difficult xmas.

My advice would be that when you do cut someone out be prepared for the ripples in the pond it creates. I had to make a choice to not invite 2 siblings to the christening of my second child since the fallout.People take sides. Some see me as a victim and some see me as standing up to a bully. This quote has helped me recently in relation to the damage an NPD can do and spread " it's easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled."

I would like to add I have been seeing a psychologist for a number of years but not currently. Best of luck to you your a strong one !! Believe it.

RentDayBlues

You're about to become a mum, cut her out before she becomes toxic for your child. This behaviour will not change, only you can effect change.

beyondbelief67

I cut my mother out of my life 18 years ago, I'd tried to do it before then and really wish I'd stuck to my decision sooner.
She was seriously toxic abusive and violent.
Not only to me but my father too.
From as far back as I can remember, probably about 3. I was told I was stupid, gormless, ugly, and too thick to ever become a worthwhile human being, mixed in with how she wished she had never had me, it really made me feel full of confidence !
When my father passed I was 16, and couldn't wait to leave I was an only child and saw no reason to stay any longer, so left as soon as I could, of course burdened with guilt of being utterly cruel for leaving so soon.
I had my first daughter shortly after and during a brain storm decided all children deserve to know their grandparents, as I adored mine.
So I let my mother back into my life, big mistake, she tried taking over, even wanted to adopt her, because my marriage was rocky, telling me I wasn't a fit mother spreading lies about my husband.
I refused and a few years later I was remarried, but my mother refused to come to the wedding, I shouldn't of got remarried, shouldn't be having another baby.
Even wanted me to get an abortion, she went to the lengths of organising it, and trying to give me the cheque to pay for it !
It was then I decided maybe best to cut communication all together, especially when I saw how she was with my newborn son, yes I should of walked away when she tried to arrange the abortion, but I wanted to believe she would regret wanting to do that when she saw the baby.
But no, she refused to hold him even while I made a bottle for him and he was crying.
And once again tried asking to keep my daughter.
I told her she was never seeing her again or me, and walked out of her house
Within a week I had a letter from her solicitors saying she was going to claim access under grandparents rights.
We left uk shortly after, the only time I regretted my decision was when I couldn't go to my grandparents funerals as relatives didn't want a bad atmosphere or argument, and although I knew I'd not argue I couldn't say the same for my mother
My relatives also cut ties as they felt I had been cruel but they didn't know the full extent of why I had done it.
But when she passed I'd expected to feel nothing due to so long passing and but it still hit me, but more for what should of been, and my children not getting to know a grandmother like I had.
I never regretted what I did as I know she would of only put a wedge between the children, and made my son feel inferior too, this was proved when she left everything to my daughter in her will.
But I only wish I had done it sooner than what I did.
Once it was done I felt able to breath freely and walk tall for the first time ever.
Good luck, and stay strong, you've a new family now enjoy it never let anyone spoil it or the love you have.

zeffabelli

Congratulations on taking this courageous step. I read that on average it takes 7 times to leave an abusive relationship, with trauma bonding with a parent, it probably takes many more and some never get out.

Now that you are aware of what your mother is, and there will be a ripple effect as another poster mentioned, NPD mothers do like their attention, and a rejection from a daughter and a future grandchild is no better fodder for a story in which she can make herself a victim and you a demon. I would be very suprised if there were no lash back from you and the family.

One of the many tough things is to also be aware of the maladaptive traits you pick up after years of micro traumas, or complex traumas. Remember your main model was an NPD mother, and as a result there are some behaviors one develops to survive this sickness.

It has often been annotated about NPD grandmothers "baby stealing." By this I don't mean outright abduction (necessarily), what I mean is seduction. They lure the child away mostly by a two armed tactic, demeaning you by attrition while also spoiling the child. Your authority and autonomy will be destroyed and your child will be seduced. You will hear your mother say things to your own child like "you can call me Mum," you will hear your child say things like "I love grandma more than you." You will lose your child, you will lose your motherhood. Or the child will be treated with utter contempt. Both options are a vengeance against you. I cannot emphasise this enough.

It is sad that you are starting out a pregnancy facing a loss like this, but also you are so lucky that you realise this now, before it's too late and you find yourself tied up in a family of knots and poison that you can no longer control.

Dracula!

I just wanted to add well done to everyone on this thread that has had to go through dealing with a parent like this and getting the courage to cut them out. It takes a lot of courage and it's something most people don't understand. You are not alone. Thanks to everyone that has shared it's really been beneficial to me personally.

RentDayBlues

Dracula! wrote: »

I just wanted to add well done to everyone on this thread that has had to go through dealing with a parent like this and getting the courage to cut them out. It takes a lot of courage and it's something most people don't understand. You are not alone. Thanks to everyone that has shared it's really been beneficial to me personally.

On this, one of the things you will come across is other people astonishment of how you could cut your mother out, "but she's your mother" is a line I got frequently. No one can understand how destructive a bad mother can be if they've never experienced one.

beyondbelief67

RentDayBlues wrote: »

On this, one of the things you will come across is other people astonishment of how you could cut your mother out, "but she's your mother" is a line I got frequently. No one can understand how destructive a bad mother can be if they've never experienced one.

Yes I got that to, as over the years I had to explain why my mother wasn't at special events, christening, birthdays etc
Invariably I would get oh it can't of been that bad or I'm sure you will make up soon, blood is thicker than water, as though we had only had an argument.
No one could believe unless they have been through it too just what it's like.
But one thing I found is you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, and this becomes so important when you have no family.
But in the end it's worth it to not feel sick at the thought of having to visit, or end up feeling bad for simply being alive when you visit, the present that wasn't good enough or expensive enough, the restaurant for birthday meal that wasn't up to standard, the clothes you wear, your hairstyle, anything to push you down that bit more etc then crying for weeks after, and dreading the next visit, even praying to be Ill so you don't have to go again.
Truly good luck to anyone still going through this, and know if you do escape for want of a better word yes it's tough at first listening to the bad mouthing, but in really nothing feels as good as knowing your out of it and don't have to go through it anymore.