Article: Woman hands back adopted child who develops disability

The_Conductor

The gist of the story is- the woman was allowed adopt a child- as a single adopter (she doesn't have a partner). The child subsequently went on to develop a disability (a serious disability- which was resulting in seizures and eventually was diagnosed with brain damage). This was over 2 years after the child had been placed with his adoptive mother. The mother made a decision that she as a single mother- she didn't want a child who had difficulties- handed the child back- and went on to form a special interest's group to ensure parents can adopt perfect children and that their adoptions 'should be such that they don't face disruptive factors such as serious illness'......

My own thoughts are that this lady- is pure evil. She wants to adopt a perfect child- and if anything goes wrong- sure she can just hand the child back.

Life isn't perfect. People do get ill. I've spend several years myself in hospital- but still manage to function (and indeed work fulltime and have two wonderful little children of my own).

Adoption- should always, and without exception, be in the best interests of the child. This 'adoptive mother' would rather adoption fit her lifestyle- part of which is how she wishes to portray her self as a doting mother to a healthy and happy child.

Shít happens. The whole attitude of this 'mother' is sickening to me.

She 'didn't like being isolated'- as the mother of an ill child- really- does any parent? It breaks most of our little hearts- when our children are ill- and most of us will go to the end's of the earth to try to help our little ones- not try to find an 'out'........ She handed the child back?

I'm sorry that this article has incensed me. I know the article is about a UK case- I'm personally aware of several Irish cases- including one poor child who had the misfortune to be handed back numerous times from a few different adoptive parents. As a kid- some of these cases were pointed out to us adoptive kids- as were the likes of some of the homes- Letterfrack, Goldenbridge etc- the inference being- had we not been adopted- we would have ended up in these homes- and if we misbehaved- that was the alternate.

This 'lady' wants a child to be a fashion accessory- to suit a stage in her life- and to make her look good. The poor unfortunate child- who developed serious illness while in her care- I hope he gets the love, care and attention he deserves- away from monsters like this woman.

The_Conductor

And the article:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2986483/Mother-reveals-gave-adopted-toddler.html

Why I gave back my adopted toddler: Mother reveals heartbreaking decision after she was unable to cope with disabled son... but says she will look after another child

• Thrilled to become mother to little 18-month-old boy
• Taught youngster to walk and say 'mummy'
• Son began having up to 36 seizures a day prompting medical probe
• Tests revealed child had previously undiagnosed brain damage
• Photographer says she had no option but to hand tot back
• Has now set up website Adoption Disruption UK to provide support for others for whom adoption breaks down

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2986483/Mother-reveals-gave-adopted-toddler.html

By Leda Reynolds For Mailonline

Published: 10:13 GMT, 10 March 2015 | Updated: 14:24 GMT, 10 March 2015

Having concentrated on her career up until her mid 30s, Claire Patterson had still not met Mr Right and was conscious that her biological clock was ticking.

With a professional career under her belt and financially stable, the photographer decided she wanted a baby of her own - and decided to adopt.

After sailing through the process, she was shown a video of a little boy who melted her heart. ‘He was sitting down and then suddenly he smiled and that was it,’ Claire said.

‘I didn’t want any child with a disability as I was a single adopter and I couldn’t facilitate that.

‘It said in his child performance report that he was a healthy, babbling baby boy and I was thrilled when I was told I could collect him.

‘It was such a special day and he was going to be my very special boy, I was very excited.’

Claire knew that her child had some mild developmental delay but said she felt optimistic.

‘I thought he couldn’t crawl because he had been in care and thought with a bit of determination and one-to-one care from me, it was only a matter of time.’

Having only seen the video and some photographs, Claire, who is now 40, started to worry when she met him and took him home two weeks later: '‘I was concerned about the shape of his head. It seemed to be very flat at the back, but even then, I didn’t know what was to come,’.

She said looking back, alarm bells should have rung sooner that there was something seriously wrong with her son.

‘He didn’t do anything you would expect a child of his age to do,’ she said.

‘He couldn’t roll over, he couldn’t talk or crawl and had very poor muscle tone.’

She took him to speech therapy and would encourage him constantly, but said he never missed her if she went out of the room and didn’t speak at all, other than one word, ‘mummy’.

Having adopted him in 2011, Claire had persevered and the little boy learnt to walk.

However, having been to visit her parents in the Lake District in October 2012, Claire’s world began to disintegrate.

‘I’d just pulled into a petrol station in Preston when I turned around and he was in the back of the car and started to jolt - he was having a seizure. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.’
Claire took many photographs of the little boy in the two years he spent with her, including this one

Claire took many photographs of the little boy in the two years he spent with her, including this one

Unfortunately, it was the first of many seizures which eventually resulted in him going to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London.

‘He had neurological damage, or brain damage, and had been born that way,’ Claire said.

‘He was having 36 seizures a day and his epilepsy was a symptom of something much bigger. He didn’t know who I was.

‘At one point we were sleeping downstairs with a bag packed, always ready for the ambulance. His seizures were out of control.

‘He had breathing difficulties and once was in a coma. At one point it was thought he might even die.

‘It was very, very stressful and I had reached the end of my physical and mental strength.’

Claire said she felt she had no option but to call social workers who she said agreed with medics that he could no longer be cared for at home.

‘It was a heartbreaking decision, I loved him,’ she said. ‘It’s certainly not something I took lightly at all, but I had nothing more to give and had to hand him back.’

However, Claire said that although social workers had agreed she couldn’t care for him, a legal ‘care order’ is needed to hand a child back which she says implies the parents are at fault as they cannot look after it.

Claire said she was so incensed, she went to court to win a ‘no fault’ ruling, thus ensuring there would be no negative reflection on her, crucial if she wanted to adopt again.

‘I had to give him back through no fault of my own, and I wanted a record of that,’ she says.

Now Claire has launched a website called Adoption Disruption UK to provide support for others for whom adoption breaks down.

‘Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and parents have no choice but to return their children, whether they are babies or teenagers,’ Claire said.

‘More needs to be done around care orders as it’s not always the fault of parents that they have to hand their children back.’

Claire said that the little boy is now living in a home environment where he is cared for by four people around-the-clock.

Currently embarking on a new adoption journey, Claire hopes to be approved to adopt another child in six months’ time.

‘I’m hoping to have a child between three and six years old,’ she said. ‘I’m very hopeful for the future and through my website, I hope I can help support someone who might be feeling as isolated as I did,’ she added.

anncoates

The_Conductor wrote: »

Currently embarking on a new adoption journey, Claire hopes to be approved to adopt another child in six months’ time.
.

_Brian

While this should never ever happen even once, it's worth saying that this type of case is very, very much on the minority.
The overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are regular parents, in for the life long journey of family life no matter what that brings with it.

To think this lady, or any other who fails to fulfil their responsibility as an adoptive parent would he considered again is a travesty.

galljga1

anncoates wrote: »

How you could 'hand back' a child after 2 years is beyond me.
On the other hand, I have two perfect children so cannot say how I would cope with a child with a disability. Just would, I guess.
And then, there are some days when I want to hand back my two little darlings.

galljga1

_Brian wrote: »

While this should never ever happen even once, it's worth saying that this type of case is very, very much on the minority.
The overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are regular parents, in for the life long journey of family life no matter what that brings with it.

To think this lady, or any other who fails to fulfil their responsibility as an adoptive parent would he considered again is a travesty.

I have no problem with her being considered again.

To consider is to think carefully about (something), typically before making a decision, hopefully the correct decision will be made.

volchitsa

Just trying to be fair here, could anyone outside of a hospital or medicalized centre of some sort look after a child with brain damage who was having over 30 seizures a day? Perhaps it wasn't so much because she had adopted him that she put him back into care as that he was a child who couldn't be looked after in a non-medicalized setting? Some people leave their disabled biological children in various sorts of care homes, don't they? What's the difference?

The_Conductor

_Brian wrote: »

While this should never ever happen even once, it's worth saying that this type of case is very, very much on the minority.
The overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are regular parents, in for the life long journey of family life no matter what that brings with it.

To think this lady, or any other who fails to fulfil their responsibility as an adoptive parent would he considered again is a travesty.

I'd add to this- many Irish adoptive parents actively seek out children with known issues- who they know will not get the care and attention they deserve in their home countries, in order to give them a better life.

While this 'woman' wouldn't qualify to adopt in Ireland- the 'handing back' of children is unfortunately something that has happened on a not infrequent basis in an Irish context. Think of poor Tristan Dowse. I wonder where he is and how he is coping now? He must be 14 or 15 now- at least his mother managed to get him back. Thats just a high profile case that was in the media- there are hundreds of cases that never feature- many featuring men and women walking down the street, in their 30s/40s/50s- who very often even their closest friends don't know they're adopted- or the trauma of their early childhood (and indeed later childhood and teenage years in some cases).

It is something we have brushed under the carpet- and hope it never emerges..........

anncoates

volchitsa wrote: »

What's the difference?

Maybe it's just the phrasing of the article but it's like she's returning damaged goods for a new model. It doesn't seem like a mother putting her kid into much-needed care but still being his mother and there for the rest of the kid's days, more like, well, this didn't work out, ciao and on t the next - hopefully perfect - acquisition.

_Brian

volchitsa wrote: »

Just trying to be fair here, could anyone outside of a hospital or medicalized centre of some sort look after a child with brain damage who was having over 30 seizures a day? Perhaps it wasn't so much because she had adopted him that she put him back into care as that he was a child who couldn't be looked after in a non-medicalized setting? Some people leave their disabled biological children in various sorts of care homes, don't they? What's the difference?

I've no problem with people using medical services to support them as parents, be it short or long stay. But if you make a conscious effort to go out and become a parent then there is no going back just because times are getting tough.
I've no doubt that if she availed of the proper supports then she could have remained a good parent to this child and supported it through it's illness.

Wanting out and to have a "perfect" child instead is shallow thinking, none of us are near perfect, it's not in human nature to be perfect. Part of living involves getting by and pulling together as a family, not running for the hills at the first hurdle.

The_Conductor

volchitsa wrote: »

Just trying to be fair here, could anyone outside of a hospital or medicalized centre of some sort look after a child with brain damage who was having over 30 seizures a day? Perhaps it wasn't so much because she had adopted him that she put him back into care as that he was a child who couldn't be looked after in a non-medicalized setting? Some people leave their disabled biological children in various sorts of care homes, don't they? What's the difference?

The difference is she handed a child of almost 4 years- who knew no parent other than she- back to social workers- because he didn't suit her lifestyle or choices.

Most parents would seek- and be given- considerable help with a child, in her position. In the UK- depending on where she lives- the NHS might have several people helping out around the clock.

This poor child lost the only parent he knows- alongside being institutionalized. He was treated as a disposable commodity- by a woman who now wants a perfect child to replace him- as she doesn't want the hassle of dealing with a poor child who has developed a longterm disability while in her care.........

Yes- parents do sometimes have to place their children in settings where they can receive more appropriate care- however- they don't abandon them there- wash their hands of their parental duties, and go back to the Adoption Authority (or try for a new baby themselves)- to replace the unsuitable child with one who better fits their intended purpose.

This woman wants a child- to fit her lifestyle. There is zero cognisance of what is in the best interests of the child- its all- what is in this woman's best interests........... She admits as much in the article- have a read of it again........... A perfect child- is part of the lifestyle choice this woman wants. This poor boy- does not fit her lifestyle- QED he is disposable, because he is adopted- and can be handed back........?

eviltwin

If she can't cope then it's probably for the best. Taking care of a disabled child is hard going and I won't judge anyone for not feeling they can do it. Lots of parents walk away from their kids, she's not unique. Hopefully he gets a family who are able to cope emotionally with his disability.

The_Conductor

Eviltwin- the simple fact of the matter is the child is now 4 and a half. He is unlikely to be adopted by another family. The vast majority (aka over 98% of adoptions) are of children under 18 months of age. Totally aside from the child's disability- which he developed while in her care- purely on age grounds, he is unlikely to be adopted again.

eviltwin

The_Conductor wrote: »

Eviltwin- the simple fact of the matter is the child is now 4 and a half. He is unlikely to be adopted by another family. The vast majority (aka over 98% of adoptions) are of children under 18 months of age. Totally aside from the child's disability- which he developed while in her care- purely on age grounds, he is unlikely to be adopted again.

That's unfortunate but most parents don't want the hassle of an unwell child. Can you blame them? I feel sorry for the child and sad the woman felt this was her only option but she's not evil. Are parents who walk out on their kids evil? Are parents who put their kids up for adoption evil? It's hard work looking after kids with needs, she was a single parent and we have no idea what supports were available to her.

The_Conductor

eviltwin wrote: »

That's unfortunate but most parents don't want the hassle of an unwell child. Can you blame them? I feel sorry for the child and sad the woman felt this was her only option but she's not evil. Are parents who walk out on their kids evil? Are parents who put their kids up for adoption evil? It's hard work looking after kids with needs, she was a single parent and we have no idea what supports were available to her.

I have two young children- and a spouse who has been seriously ill (oesaphageal cancer). I know what its like to juggle things and succeed against improbable odds.

This woman has plainly stated that adopting a child was a lifestyle choice.
She has also stated that she handed the child back and would like one fit for purpose- and expects to have a fit child assigned to her imminently.......

So- yes- I do genuinely think this 'lady' is evil- yes, I do.........

The child developed their disability while in her care- this did not suit her lifestyle- QED- she hands the child back- and asks for one who doesn't have problems........

Children are a disposable commodity to this 'lady'.......

Read the article again- it was all to do with perceptions- she was in her thirties, her biological clock was ticking, she was getting comments about being childless- she hadn't met Mr. Right- so she decided to adopt as it was handier. The child was lovely and she loved him- but he got ill- so she handed him back, so she could get a replacement who wasn't as problematic........

Oh- and poor her- she's had an awful time- now she is going to set up a website so others whose adoption experiences aren't what they were expecting can sit down and compare notes with one another.......

Raising a child is rarely a walk-in-the-park. Issues do arise. There was a separate interview in The Times with this lady yesterday (the UK Times that is- not the Irish Times)- where she suggested that the child had abandonment and attachment issues- which were her main motivating factor for handing him back (and not the disability). As a single mother- she was not equipped to deal with this- and feels abandoned by the adoption process, and indeed the UK government.

Wake-up call- many many adopted people have similar abandonment/attachment issues. When I was adopted- I refused to allow any woman feed me for months- my adoptive father had to. I had a long list of other issues- none of which are unique to me either.

Yes- adoptive parents are handed a baby and expected to bring the baby home and live happily ever after. Yes- the baby may even at a ridiculously young age- react badly to the whole process. Yes- there is a lack of supports to parents.

The glaring anamoly in my eyes- aside from the 'lady' handing the child back- when she couldn't cope- was that she was deemed a suitable home for an adoptive child in the first instance- and indeed, expects to be given another child imminently.

Coping with illness- and the responsibility of bringing up children- is hard. Its 10 times harder when you're on your own.

After this case- I'd be arguing that they need to revisit their rules for prospective adoptive parents in the UK- and I'd suggest they ban adoptions by single people- as particularly in this case- the woman in question was not in a position to take on the responsibility being a parent entailed. Maybe things might go swimmingly for her- if she gets her 'perfect child', maybe not.

Life is not perfect. Things do go wrong. This child has been abandoned. The child had psychological issues- before their disability was recognised- they certainly have a whole new realm of psychological issues following their abandonment by their 'mother'..........

kathy finn

children dont come with receipts. its not like buying a dress if it doesnt fit take it back, what if this child became ill when it was 9 or 10 would she take it back then. adoption is not about finding children for families but finding families for children, she should never be allowed to adopt again.

Moonbeam

That is heart breaking:(
Though in the UK it can happen that people put their kids up for adoption because they are not "perfect" so I can not say I a entirely surprised.
I think handing him back and getting all treatment necessary even if it involved residential care are 2 very different things.
I seriously hope that she does not get any more children and if she ever has any herself that she can love them no matter what.

Moonbeam

http://www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/the-curious-case-of-tristan-dowse-26512267.html -The Tristan Dowse case.

_Brian

Moonbeam wrote: »

http://www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/the-curious-case-of-tristan-dowse-26512267.html -The Tristan Dowse case.

Still gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach reading that !!

gabsdot40

I try my best in life not to be judgemental but I wonder what she would have done with a birth child who was born with or developed a disability or illness. Would that child have been as easy to give up.
She uses the excuse that she made it clear during her adoption assessment that she was not going to be able to parent a child with a disability but it's a bit lame really
However I'm sure it's been difficult for her but my sympathies are with the little boy now without a family again.