Big argument

scruff22

Need some impartial and objective advice on a big argument myself and my fiancé at the weekend, we've both tried to explain each other's point of view to no avail. I will try to be as balanced as I can.

Myself and herself are living apart most of the week (which is tough) as I moved away for work. We got engaged 3 weeks ago, and had arranged to meet up with some of our friends for drinks last weekend. My fiancé had a stressful week in work and had thought she had been coming down with something so she stayed at home on the Friday night, on the understanding that she would come up to me in the morning if she was ok.

On Saturday morning I got a text to say she was fine and would be up at lunchtime. When she arrived up it was clear that she was in terrible form and the first thing she said to me was that 'I should have stayed at home.' That terrible form remained for the day.

We went to visit some mutual friends (male and female) that evening who we had planned to go out with that night, but they let us down and decided to not go out in the meantime. However, a couple of my male friends (including one of my best mates who was home from abroad for the weekend) still intended to go out.

When my fiancé realised that she would be the only girl going out, she decided that she didn't want to go out. Admittedly she was very tired, but would have overcome that if some of our female friends had been going out.

Given that we had already arranged to meet up with our friends, I felt I should keep my word to them and that if my fiance was so tired then she could have an early night and that it wouldn't be a big deal. We could still spend some time together on the Sunday.

This started a big row, with the accusation being that I was basically abandoning her while I went out on the piss. We rowed for about an hour until it became obvious that neither of us agreed with the others point of view and she was so annoyed that she didn't want to look at me. So I went out as pre-planned. This has upset my fiancé a lot and she is extremely annoyed with me.

A couple of previous/planned occasions informed my thinking and seemed to me somewhat hypocritical in the current situation. A similar situation occurred a number of months ago when I travelled down to my fiancé who was going out to meet her friends. I had been exhausted but still went on the night out, and would have gotten an earful had I protested my tiredness.

A further planned night out is happening in a couple of weeks where again I am travelling down to my fiancé, who is going out with her female friends while I stay in.

I was fine with both of these occasions but it just seemed to me that when the tables were turned there was suddenly a different interpretation.

This is obviously not a great start to being engaged and I understand that this has cause a lot of hurt but I'm not sure that I have done anything wrong - is it a case of women are from Venus and men from Mars or am I being insensitive?

MrWalsh

I think she is annoyed because you broke plans, ie, both of you doing something together that evening. You chose to go out rather than spend the evening with her after making plans together.

Your examples, where you actually went out - had she been annoyed if you didn't go surely that is consistent with the situation above, ie, changing plans?

And a planned night where you stay in and she goes out is also consistent with the above surely, ie, made plans don't change?

I dunno, seems consistent to me!

mada82

To me it's sounds like she was being unreasonable.

You made plans to go out, she changed her mind.

scruff22

Thanks for the advice. Sure, I get what you are saying, but our plans also included other people, including my friend who was home from abroad. If I say I'm going to do something I generally try to stick to it.

I'm not sure about the staying in together part either, her argument was that she was exhausted so she was going to bed either way!

LegacyUser

Maybe she was very tired etc but she you both had made plans to go out that night and then she turned around and changed her mind at the last minute. I don't see why she got angry with you for going out without her especially when you had made plans to meet up with your friends. So are you saying when you go down to see her you have to go out with her friends or else there will be row?

ziedth

I dunno maybe it's just me but if something as easy as this causes such a big issue I'd be a little worried. Myself and my wife have had a few blues over the years Where I have gone out when I admittedly should have stayed in and times where she was probably being unreasonable. Each of these times by the next day we'd be over it.

what I'm saying is OP things are gonna come along (particularly in the lead up to the wedding) that are going to be allot more hardcore then getting an earful for going on the sauce with your mates ya know? Leave it go.

FWIW I probably would have done the same as you in the sane situation but I feel the second night out when you don't see her during the week is pushing it.

MrWalsh

scruff22 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Sure, I get what you are saying, but our plans also included other people, including my friend who was home from abroad. If I say I'm going to do something I generally try to stick to it.

I'm not sure about the staying in together part either, her argument was that she was exhausted so she was going to bed either way!

If she was going to bed either way then I don't get what her problem is?!

orthsquel

I would guess that since she travelled up to meet you at your place when she wasn't well (even though she said she would travel when she was better, however it would have meant not spending time with you), and then plans changed and you continued on with your plan she probably regretted travelling all the way to see you when she could have stayed at home, or might as well have from her point of view, given that ye didn't get to really spend time together. Or that instead of her travelling at all when she felt off form, that you didn't offer to travel down to her. She probably felt abandoned depending on what the living circumstances you have are, a strange place that isn't home without all your creature comforts isn't the best place to find yourself when you're sick.

I could be completely wrong though.

cloudatlas

' is it a case of women are from Venus and men from Mars' Don't be silly.

I also think she was being unreasonable and a tad controlling, she was having a bad day and she wanted to drag you down with her. You mention that this has happened before, are there any other examples of sulking and controlling behaviour. If there have been then perhaps you have something to think about?

pookie82

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a second and try to maybe write the situation from her eyes - not because I think either of you are necessarily "right" or "wrong", just to give a bit of perspective:

"I don't live near my fiance and only see him once a week at most. I had a horrendous week in work and was under a lot of stress, to the point where I felt it was making me ill. I told him this and stayed put on the Friday night, but on Saturday, despite waking up in awful form, I decided to drive to see him anyway as it was the only chance we'd have to hang out that week.

We visited some friends who were supposed to come out with us that night but cancelled. I was just as well pleased at this point, as I'd told him I was having a bad week/day and wasn't in the form and didn't fancy going on a session with a gang of lads, which generally is a little more energetic than if a few females were in their company.

Being so tired and in bad form, I explained this to my fiance. He insisted he was still going out with his mates and I could just go to bed. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should have noticed how down/stressed/sick I was and forgone the night out with the lads to stay in with me? Granted I was tired but it would have been nice to both get an early night, maybe watch a movie in bed, and have some quality time together to help me unwind, given I had traveled to see him".

Could the above be how she sees it?

If so, there's not really a strict "right" or "wrong" here. You chose to value you commitment to your mates over the change of plans which swayed her. It's not a crime to not want to break a promise to them. But you *might* have considered, being so unwell and tired, that she'd like some company too and not be sent off to bed while you go on the beer.

strobe

I'd just forget about it. In a few days she'll probably feel like a gobsh1te for flipping the lid over something so stupid. Any chance the reason she is feeling unwell is because she's getting her period? She probably already does feel daft tbh, but the trenches have been dug and the battlements are in place at this point. Just drop it, and suggest she does too if it comes up again, she probably wants to do just that, as it's not worth you two fighting over it.

woodchuck

Was this your engagement party by any chance?? I think really think this is an important point to put everything into context. Even if it wasn't an 'official' engagment party, you had just recently gotten engaged and arranged to meet up with a lot of friends... so I would certainly see how this could be viewed as a celebration of your engagement by your fiance. If that is a possibility, then I can understand her annoyance to be honest. From her perspective that would mean that the two of ye planned to go out and celebrate your engagement together, but she wasn't feeling up to it and instead of staying by her side you decided to go off on a night out anyway without her.

You say she was in terrible form. But from what you said it sounds like it's because she had a bad week in work and was feeling under the weather. If it was me, I'd probably feel a bit abandoned too to be honest. It's a bit of an overreaction if it wasn't a celebration of your engagement that was planned, but if it was... then I think she had a right to be somewhat upset.

Dellnum

I think that maybe the mistake you made OP was that you informed your fiancee that you were going out and didn't ask her would she mind first.

Dixie Chick

Ara to be honest, I think ye both need to just put this behind ye. She wasn't feeling well, therefore was going to be ratty anyway and probably needed the rest. You didn't want to break plans with friends so went out. Its really not that big of a deal and certainly not worth talking about the following Wednesday! Maybe ye are both under strain because of distance and this is just magnified

scruff22

I get your point, and I agree that that is probably her point of view and can understand that. Although it wasn't the case that I insisted I was going out or that she should go to bed.

In addition to the row about going out we also had a row earlier on in the day- on reflection I'd imagine the row was an inevitable side-effect of the ****ty week she had had, but it felt like I was getting the brunt of this although I had no hand in it.

pookie82 wrote: »

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a second and try to maybe write the situation from her eyes - not because I think either of you are necessarily "right" or "wrong", just to give a bit of perspective:

"I don't live near my fiance and only see him once a week at most. I had a horrendous week in work and was under a lot of stress, to the point where I felt it was making me ill. I told him this and stayed put on the Friday night, but on Saturday, despite waking up in awful form, I decided to drive to see him anyway as it was the only chance we'd have to hang out that week.

We visited some friends who were supposed to come out with us that night but cancelled. I was just as well pleased at this point, as I'd told him I was having a bad week/day and wasn't in the form and didn't fancy going on a session with a gang of lads, which generally is a little more energetic than if a few females were in their company.

Being so tired and in bad form, I explained this to my fiance. He insisted he was still going out with his mates and I could just go to bed. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should have noticed how down/stressed/sick I was and forgone the night out with the lads to stay in with me? Granted I was tired but it would have been nice to both get an early night, maybe watch a movie in bed, and have some quality time together to help me unwind, given I had traveled to see him".

Could the above be how she sees it?

If so, there's not really a strict "right" or "wrong" here. You chose to value you commitment to your mates over the change of plans which swayed her. It's not a crime to not want to break a promise to them. But you *might* have considered, being so unwell and tired, that she'd like some company too and not be sent off to bed while you go on the beer.

scruff22

Dellnum wrote: »

I think that maybe the mistake you made OP was that you informed your fiancee that you were going out and didn't ask her would she mind first.

I didn't inform her, I had wanted both of us to go out but she then changed her mind

scruff22

cloudatlas wrote: »

' is it a case of women are from Venus and men from Mars' Don't be silly.

I also think she was being unreasonable and a tad controlling, she was having a bad day and she wanted to drag you down with her. You mention that this has happened before, are there any other examples of sulking and controlling behaviour. If there have been then perhaps you have something to think about?

I wouldn't say that she is controlling, no.

scruff22

woodchuck wrote: »

Was this your engagement party by any chance?? I think really think this is an important point to put everything into context. Even if it wasn't an 'official' engagment party, you had just recently gotten engaged and arranged to meet up with a lot of friends... so I would certainly see how this could be viewed as a celebration of your engagement by your fiance. If that is a possibility, then I can understand her annoyance to be honest. From her perspective that would mean that the two of ye planned to go out and celebrate your engagement together, but she wasn't feeling up to it and instead of staying by her side you decided to go off on a night out anyway without her.

You say she was in terrible form. But from what you said it sounds like it's because she had a bad week in work and was feeling under the weather. If it was me, I'd probably feel a bit abandoned too to be honest. It's a bit of an overreaction if it wasn't a celebration of your engagement that was planned, but if it was... then I think she had a right to be somewhat upset.

It wasn't an engagement party but we'd agreed to meet up with some friends, including a friend home from abroad and another friend who's birthday it was so we would obviously have been celebrating the good news.

pookie82

What I would say to you is this - I reckon if you guys lived together this would have been sorted ages ago. When a fight happens on a weekend and you only tend to see each other on weekends, the hurt can fester a bit if it's not completely sorted by the time you head off for your respective weeks. I'd be willing to bet that if you lived together, you'd have sorted this out by now. And at the end of a fight, there's nothing like a cuddle on the couch to make each other feel better about it and put it behind you. Something you can't do if your time together is limited and the fight drags beyond that.

If it's still going on at this stage, a good thing to do is ask her to explain (in writing maybe, more clarity) what exactly happened from HER point of view. Then explain what happened from yours, and see how they differ.

I find this a really good way of sorting things out. I sometimes do it (inadvertently, but to great effect) with my OH if I'm bothered about something. If we seem to just be at logger heads, I'll go "Ok, here's how I see what happened" and then he'll do the same. And when we both read one another's account and have time to put ourselves in their shoes, from their POV, it can work wonders.

It sounds a bit silly but it works. For me anyways. Give it a try. I've lost count of the amount of times I've taken something the wrong way and once it's spelled out to me from his POV I'm like "oh, ok. That's totally fair enough". And it's a lot easier to do over text, as opposed to getting riled up and raising voices.

Minderbinder

In my limited experience OP, if you apologize first then your future wife will follow suit. You can consider this good practice for marriage.

Dellnum

scruff22 wrote: »

I didn't inform her, I had wanted both of us to go out but she then changed her mind

Did you then ask her would she mind if you went out.

jackofalltrades

scruff22 wrote: »

This started a big row, with the accusation being that I was basically abandoning her while I went out on the piss. We rowed for about an hour until it became obvious that neither of us agreed with the others point of view and she was so annoyed that she didn't want to look at me. So I went out as pre-planned. This has upset my fiancé a lot and she is extremely annoyed with me.

What was she looking for, you to stay in for the evening so she could ignore you while you were in a different room.

A couple of previous/planned occasions informed my thinking and seemed to me somewhat hypocritical in the current situation. A similar situation occurred a number of months ago when I travelled down to my fiancé who was going out to meet her friends. I had been exhausted but still went on the night out, and would have gotten an earful had I protested my tiredness.

I think her blatant double standard between how she expects to behave and how she expects you to behave is the real issue here.
Until such a time as she addresses this I wouldn't waste your time trying to further understand how she feels on this matter.

In addition to the row about going out we also had a row earlier on in the day- on reflection I'd imagine the row was an inevitable side-effect of the ****ty week she had had, but it felt like I was getting the brunt of this although I had no hand in it.

Does this happen often that she takes her anger out on you?

ThatFatGal

I think the reason she got so mad is possibly

1) She was tired/sick/cranky from the terrible week she had -if you're in a state, whatever argument you have will always be worse than the one you have on your good day

2) She made an effort to come over to your town and instead of spending time together, you chose to go out with your mates - which is fair enough because it was already planned.

I think she was being childish and unreasonable. Personally, if I was in the same situation, I would just let my bf go out and let him have fun and I could just put my feet up watching tv or something. But everybody's different.

Does she do this often or is it just a twice-off kinda thing?

It's up to you whether you're ok with this kind of behaviour but it would definitely not be my cup of tea. It's silly having an argument like this if you're already engaged - you should've already gone through these things at the dating stage. Imagine dealing with this when you're married and with kids later on!

Maybe it is just that men and women are different - as one poster pointed out. I always try to be direct with my bf as we both like to know what each other is thinking.

Having read your post, I can see why she was upset (me also being a girl!) but I can also see why you think it is unreasonable too. Maybe you should just sit down with her and talk to her. Just ask her to say these things in more direct simple sentences - if she wanted you to stay with her at home, she just had to say it to you!

quickq987

This sounds like a very small argument that has become an ordeal. We all have different opinions on things and we will always differ from others in what we do in situations. I would have been angry too to be honest if I had traveled and my partner went out with his friends while i wasn't feeling well but that's just me. I would also have gotten over it pretty quickly. My advice - apologize. Its a minor issue that doesnt need any more dwelling on. Put it behind you and move on. Pride is a small price to pay for happiness (in this situation anyway)