is it time to end it?

LegacyUser

Hi all

Have it in my head to try not ramble but no guarantees so thanks in advance if you read all of and reply to this post.

Background is I've been with my oh for almost 7 years, living together the past 4 at this stage. I love him very much and 90 percent of the time I'd say we get on fabulous, we've been through a good bit together and he's stuck by me through a lot of stuff i know other guys might have just walked away from, which i'm grateful for.
In the early days of the relationship, there were things I wasn't happy about, which are not relevant and I made my peace with and decided not to try change him, because you don't love someone because of their faults, but in spite of , and like I say he is a really wonderful person. Kind, thoughtful, gentle, patient etc etc.
Now to our problem.
Due to stuff that happened when I was growing up, I have a bit of a rocky relationship with alcohol, though it has improved considerably to what it was at the start of our relationship, when we briefly broke up because I didn't like him going out with/getting drunk with a house mate of his because i thought that all men who drank were going to be violent(experienced this in the home)
I think, due to the addiction that was in the house when I was a kid, I have a really really hard time coping when stuff changes at the last minute, I'm fine when I have prior notice of anything, but something changes last minute and I just can't cope.
This happened yesterday when an opportunity for my bf came up to play a gig, with a female friend who he writes music with. Today is my birthday and he's gone out to another gig tonight(he stayed at her's last night after the gig they played) so he wasn't here this morning to wish me happy birthday.
I had some time to get used to the fact he was going out tonight though so didn't mind that so much. What I had, and have, a problem with is that he dropped everything for her and just fecked off the night before my birthday, knowing full well he wasn't going to be here tonight.
We have talked things through and are alright now, but my question is, is this an impasse we can't get through?
He says he always wants to play in some way which i don't mind, but don't fancy playing second fiddle to music like that where something comes up at 5 minutes notice and off he hops to do it. I also will admit that I don't like being here on my own, sometimes he goes home to where he's from and that can get to me from time to time just because I don't like being here on my own, but that's my issue. Also things like him meeting up with a friend and going drinking would make me slightly uncomfortable but I know I need help with that also. Just want to put all cards on the table so there's a full picture.
Of course I realise it's fabulous he has a gift and such an interest, but just don't think longterm this is something I can continue with. I know it's his right to play, just like it's my right to want to feel important, but my question is, am I being unreasonable or is it time to call it a day?
I really do love him a lot and if this is something I have to work on for us to work I don't mind I just need outsiders perspectives on this that's all.
I am moving to a new location soon so though i would hate to break up, for both of us if there is such a thing as a time to do it, this would be good as we could both get a clean break.
Thanks if you've got this far and hope I made sense.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't mean to be funny, but, you are considering ending a 7 year relationship because your bf went working? That's essentially what you're asking?

In life last minute changes happen all the time. If you don't like it then you are going to have a long upsetting time.

Your birthday is another issue. Birthdays aren't a big thing for me, so it wouldn't bother me if my husband wasn't around on the day of it. I certainly wouldn't be bothered that he wasn't around the night before it! But obviously it is an issue for you. Does he know birthdays are important to you? Over the course of your relationship have you (both) always made a big day out of your birthday?

I agree that if I was expecting something to happen and really looking forward to it, but then plans changed and it ended up not happening I would of course be disappointed. I'd feel sorry for myself for a little while... But I don't think I'd be considering ending a 7 year relationship because of it.

Is there more to this than you have posted here? Because if there is maybe this is just the last straw for you. If not, then it looks like you have lost interest in the relationship yourself, and are clinging to pretty flimsy excuses to end it.

Edit: Could you not have gone along to the gig with him? My husband used to play in a band. Not my type of music, but I used to go along with him to gigs the odd time, and always enjoyed it. Other times I'd prefer to stay at home and enjoy having the laptop and telly to myself!!

Mr. Incognito

Also things like him meeting up with a friend and going drinking would make me slightly uncomfortable but I know I need help with that also. Just want to put all cards on the table so there's a full picture.

Of course I realise it's fabulous he has a gift and such an interest, but just don't think longterm this is something I can continue with. I know it's his right to play, just like it's my right to want to feel important, but my question is, am I being unreasonable or is it time to call it a day?

You freely admit you have an issue with someone going having a beer because of your own personal history.

If you cannot deal with someone that is doing that on a regular basis playing music and that's his dream then perhaps you are not compatible long term.

I know myself if music was my hobby I wouldn't blow off my gfs birthday, or else I would do it with her permission and make it up to her by taking her somewhere special a few days later as a compromise.

It seems like he is being selfish, and you are being selfish and two selfish people who cannot find a compromise does not a happy long term relationship make.

strobe

It's unlikely you'll ever be in a relationship where you are their sole and single concern. There will always be times that someone will work rather than be with you, will go out with friends rather than be with you, will engage in a hobby rather than be with you, will go home rather than be with you, or will go on holidays with friends rather than be with you. No one will ever be able to give you their complete and unwavering attention, choosing to be with you forsaking all else, 24/7, 365.

There has to be a balance obviously, if someone always puts those things ahead of you on a consistent basis, and makes no time for you, that is completely unacceptable. But the impression I am getting is that you have a problem any time he chooses to do something other than be with you. Would that be a fair assessment or am I miles off track?

Dixie Chick

Can I ask, why did he sleep in the other persons house after the gig? Is it that he has no transport or lives too far away?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.
Thanks for all replies.
@Big bag Of Chips, just want to clear up this is not a career at present, but a hobby that a lot of money has gone and is going into.
They are planning to go traveling for a month soon, subject to grants etc and I just feel like it's a lot to put into something that up to this point he is not getting any financial reward for.
We have talked a lot and decided that we will wait till after they come back from traveling and see how things are then.
I can look at things with a different perspective after the event, and can absolutely see how it would and does look unreasonable. I of course want him to have interests and stuff, and it is really important that we have lives outside of the relationship.
There was a time when said friend and her partner used to stay here a lot, sometimes taking it upon themselves, and any time a gig was done where we live it was always here she, or sometimes her and her bf stayed, never any question, I did after a time say something though and that has decreased a great deal, but that was and is, where most of my dislike for her comes from. We only have a small place and when they stayed or if she or they stay now, they mess up everywhere and leave things all over the place, dishes, food etc.
I think it's just the idea that as long as there is music life will always be unpredictable to a certain extent, well where there's gigs involved anyway there will be. I know what I have to decide is if I can deal with it longterm, and furthermore deal with it longterm if it's only going to be a hobby and not a career. If it turns into a career fair enough, but hobby longterm and doing stuff like that skipping off with 5 minutes notice, not sure how i'd deal with that.
In fairness to my bf though, he has said if they don't travel this year he is going to really throw himself into looking at permanent employment and not be as involved in the music which is grand. I don't mind it on the side, I just think its a lot to base your life around, and I was just upset given it was my birthday.
Thanks for everyone who took the time to write, it's appreciated.

Big Bag of Chips

But why not go with him? Is your problem that he went off at 5 minutes notice, or that he went off with her at 5 minutes notice? You made no mention of not liking her in your first post!

You do admit to having an issue with him leaving you on your own. If he goes to a gig, or goes out with his friends, or goes home? This is your issue and is a bit unfair on him.

I'm just curious as to why this, on the face of it, very minor incident is causing you to question a 7 year relationship. You mention moving away? Do you want to make a clean break and go?

If so then I think you need to take responsibility for breaking up and not try to come up with something he is doing wrong to make it his fault. You admit yo not liking when he goes out, or goes home etc leaving you behind. It's not his job to stay by your side 24/7. Even the closest of couples need to be able to function independently.