Help and advice needed on a relationship/affection

loveandhope

This is a hard post for me to put up but I need to voice it somewhere as I can't really speak to mutual friends and need some advice. I have been going out with my husband 8 years married for 4. During our 8/9 years together it was great we have been through lots of stuff together good and bad only thing that used to worry my husband was we were chalk and cheese in interests, he was into books, sport computers alone time I was sociable, outgoing into music, film, exercise etc and into other interests. Anyway he was never the buy a house, get married sort of guy but he did those things for me because he loved me I didnt push him it was the natural progression in our relationship, we had fun times everything was good physically and mentally.


About 8 months ago things had changed a bit in him and I put it down to a mid life crisis ie his work, health etc symptoms included late nights out with friends and at work, not wanting to come home, no affection/physical relationship for 7 mths. My ill sister lives with me but we have respite and even when there was a window of opportunity for us time he didnt use it. It made me feel frustrated, unattractive (though he says I'm not) and hurt.

His reasons are lack of common interests, feeling trapped (I hate using the word let but he goes out with mates to watch sports, have lads time I am cool with that some wives esp with kids would be controlling) so I am confused with that He says if he saw me in a club he would be attracted to me but because he knows me too long he doesnt feel in love with me a case of loving me as a flat mate but not a wife is this BS? I was a bit in denial and knew we were coasting a bit but to hear it straight out was like a thunderbolt naturally enough lots of tears, hurt, anger from me I know we have separate interests but we have a few mutual. I even said why dont we start new ones together but didnt like any of the 7 I listed off. I dont qualify this as being a reason to go our separate ways considering we have been though so much together (btw we dont have kids).

Anyway through my lowest ebb 3 weeks ago I was out with some non mutual mates and a cute guy showed interest we had stuff in common and we dancing and talking all night I kissed him but I didnt want any more as I was married he also was in a 5 yr relationship our stupid alcohol heads got the better of us and I stupidly slept with him I felt guilty but truth to say it was fantastic and liberating, if a very affectionate person hasn't had sex in 7 months with her husband it's very frustrating. The guilt set in next day and we mutually agreed it was fun and that was it as it was too complicated for both of us. I am due to do my first counselling session in two weeks with my husband I love him dearly and dont want this crap happening again.

All I want is the guy I loved back in the day and the physical affection. I got more affection out of a stranger in one night than I did out of my husband in 7 months. The guy just flattered me I know probably to get what he wanted but I was 10 years older than him and it gave me the boost of confidence I needed it just felt so good to get good sex again sorry for being crude. I have never had a one night stand before whilst in a relationship, as it went beyond my beliefs, but I have been so down something just had to give. I can't tell our mutual female friends as it is an awkward secret to keep esp when they all love my husband. I don't even know if I should tell my counsellor in private I dont want her branding me as a slut I feel bad enough as it is but I know I needed a release that night from someone who showed me affection. I would like to get a male/female perspective on this as I'm on my own on this.

LegacyUser

I know several couples who would have different interests and who would be regarded as chalk and cheese by some people who would know both of them.
The reality is that you trusted your husband when he went out with his mates or when he was involved in his own interests. Over the past few months he has being pulling away from you saying he feels trapped and has stayed out at night.
He then told you he feels the same away about as he would a flat mate. I can understand how this was so hurtful to you. You then tried to suggest things that you could do as a couple to be told I don't like this.
Along with this you have your sick sister living with you and even when you get respite he is not willing to make use of it.

The reality is that you have been coping with a lot over the past few months between your sister and your husband. I know how you feel when you are shown no love or affection for a long period of time. You meet someone who chats you up and makes you feel that you are not just put on this earth to be there or sort out everyone problems. This one night stand made you feel like a human being again.
I would not feel bad about this after how your husband has been with you for the past few months. I would just put it down to the fact you needed someone to give you a lift confidence wise. You know this man is involved and he knows your situation. You are not going to repeat this. Rather than beating yourself up about this I would think this happened, it made me feel better and it give me back some of the confidence I needed.

You have realised that your marriage has problems. You have got your husband to go to counselling with you which may not have been easy. Your willing to face up to the problems within your marriage and work on improving things between you both. I wish you the best of luck with the counselling.

The Princess Bride

My advice would be the same regardless of whether or not you mentioned about your fling.
Go to the counselling, bear in mind, that not all counsellors are good at what they do, not all are suited to the couple in question.It can take weeks of talking to make progress, you both need to realise there is no quick fix solution here.

You would definitely benefit from seeing a different counsellor by yourself, ideally before your couples counselling session- and telling them about your own feelings and about the fling.

As for your relationship with your husband, does it seem like you both comfortably moved from lover zone to friend zone, without meaning to?
Only time will tell whether this will change.

Best of luck.

loveandhope

I dont want to say any of this to friends a lot of my close friends and some that know we are going through a bad patch want to meet up, asking how am I? It is a hard secret to keep esp with a wine infused night but I have to keep it together. At the end of the day it will go one way or another. Couselling will help and in time we will get back a little of what we had in terms of laughter, doing stuff together affection and sex like a normal married couple or if it does go down the plughole I will have to admit that and let him go as he said he doesnt want this going on for another 5/10 years where we end up hating each other. It would hurt for me as everyone loves him but I'm hoping counselling will work I want my husband with me.

The Princess Bride

In both your posts, you mention that everyone loves your husband.
That really means nothing if you both aren't in love with each other.
Everyone isn't married to him-you are.Everyone isn't married to you-he is.
Their relationship with each of you isn't -and will never be- that of husband and wife.

You don't have to tell your friends anything -it's nobody's business. If they can't understand this, they're not true friends.

One of the most difficult things a married person ever has to do, is admit that their relationship with their spouse has changed and that they are no longer in love.

See how the counselling goes, that's about all you can do for the moment.

loveandhope

Thanks all I guess when I was young my thing was meet a guy and be happy like my own parents were. A break down is like failure but the lack of affection is a mix of hurt and anger for me I don't want to waste my 20/30 odd years living without love/sex if I can make an effort he should too. This is why this night happened I felt bad but I also felt good that a guy in his 20's stood me out from the crowd and flattered me in more ways than one I felt it was long awaited and it felt great. I know it was bad to do but I don't want to continue in a loveless marriage.

njs030

I agree with counselling, but staying with him just because you are married isn't right either.
If it's not going to be fixable than aren't you better off breaking up and having some short term pain, rather than years of unhappiness?

Your counsellor won't think badly of you about the one night stand, and could help you explain it to your husband if you decide to tell him.

loveandhope

Sorry wont let me edit rushed typing lol

Thanks all I guess when I was young my thing was meet a guy and be happy like my own parents were. A break down is like failure a lack of affection is a mix of hurt and anger for me.
I don't want to waste my 20/30 odd years living without love/sex if I can make an effort he should too
This is why this night a few weeks back happened, I felt bad/guilty but I also felt good that a guy in his 20's stood me out from the crowd and flattered me in more ways than one I felt it was long awaited and it felt great. I know it was bad to do but I don't want to continue in a loveless marriage.
Hopefully in a few months I will be in a happier place all I can do is suggest nice things to do, not pick fights and try better I knew it wasn't on a good track but seemingly the marriage wasn't as good as I thought was in denial for a long time. I guess it's a fear of break down and starting over after so long. It's easy when you are single harder when you are older, married and look after a dependent.

LegacyUser

You mention that your sis who is ill is living with you. Is it possible that this is putting a strain on the relationship, and that he no longer sees it as 'you & him' but that it is, in his view, 'flat mates' as in he doesn't feel relaxed in his home, or comfortable being intimate with you?

loveandhope

Well just giving an update on whats been happening good and bad. We have mutually decided to end our relationship. Main reasons falling out of love (but in love together as good friends), no sexual attraction on my part, laziness, no interests together. It was still coasting along the same way (going to do counselling end of this week). It kinda came to a head on Sat out with mutual friends watching match and he was just peed off that he had to come all the way out other side of town instead of watching game with his mates in city. But he said he would do it for me as he didnt want me sitting in on my own being miserable. One of my friends is getting married in the Summer and they were talking dresses and happy etc and I was getting overcome a bit I was trying to hide it ( didnt help that my dog of 15 years was diagnosed with heart failure day before so I was upset over that too) anyway, I turned to him and said I dont think I can be here and he was discreetly getting pissed off with me cos I made him go all the way out to this pub he didnt like. He was just in bad form and had an attitude all day after the match we got in a taxi and went home (if he wasnt dying of a cold he would have gone into town without me) I sat him down in the study (Sister was upstairs asleep so it was ok) and told him was counselling worth it if this is gonna happen all the time with you. He was agreeing and saying he was totally miserable and didnt want this happening to us where it will just fester more and more. He would prefer to leave on good terms and be best friends. I told him I kissed someone two weeks ago as I was craving love, affection and flattery I have not had sex in months or affection in a few weeks I don't want to settle for this for the next 30/40 years of my life. Anyway he had told me also that he had kissed someone before Christmas a person he knew and she had got through a break up so it was a mutual shoulder to cry on. When we told each other this and agreed that it was probably for the best and we would be best friends to each other it was like a weight had been lifted esp for husband. His personality just changed straight away he was crying and just had felt like this for so long and was putting pressure on him therefore being a pissed off at me all the time, working and partying late etc he just did not want to come home to me. He wants to have his own space but will still contribute to mortgage as he knows I don't work. He still wants to contribute to be there always to help with my sister and said if I need him for anything he will be on call all the time. That night we talked more and had a laugh more than in the last couple of week it was so refreshing to talk to the person I used to know. As they say he was becoming bad husband material but an excellent friend. (in the past we would sit in a pub trying to think of what to say to each other) this night though we chatted, hugged got a takeaway and watched a film and I really enjoyed the night no physical affection involved just like living with a roomie and having a laugh. I guess it is a bit harder on me as I have been with him for so long and I will miss him but to be honest he was spending half the week in friends houses or hotels near work, no affection at all, no interest in house and was just using the house to come and go so it wasnt really a proper marriage. I feel both of us can move on now even though I still am in some denial and would like it to work but I would prefer a good friend than a miserable marriage. We agreed that we will still socialise, go to gigs and in time go on hols together that is how close we are We both fell relieved annoyed that it went this far but stuff kept happening and we would just paint over the cracks and move on when there were always underlying issues that I didnt want to deal with cos I thought I could change our problems. Anyway hopefully I can find love again I just need time to heal and having a laugh with friends as it can be a very delicate and emotional time for us.