Feeling guilty about dad moving

LegacyUser

Basically because of me my 52 year old father will have to start work as a lorry driver over 3 hours from where we live. He'll also have to live out of the lorry. He says he's fine about it but I can't imagine any quality of life for him while working. It will "only" be for during the week, but the beds at the back of those lorry trucks can't be good for anyone

The reason it's my fault is because I failed the college year last year, my first year, due to some mental issues of my own, and couldn't afford to repeat the year. I'm now living back at home. I had the intention of working for the year, but no matter what I tried I couldn't get work. I signed on and have saved every penny, while also contributing financially at home. I've even offered to go to england to work with an uncle on a construction site but mam won't allow me to. She won't even allow me to look for jobs outside commuting distance from home.

Dad has had very little work in the past 4/5 years. Something is about to come up for him locally but won't start until July at the earliest. We've been living week to week really since the recession began. He never retrained because this local work was always going to happen, was just a question of when.

I feel guilty because dad wouldn't have to go for this job 3 hours away only for trying to get more money so I can go back to college in September. I feel that if i was in college as normal then he'd survive until the local job came about. A 52 year old man shouldn't have to live like he's planning to, it's a fit young mans game. I have a recurring dream of him dying alone away from everyone and everything he knows. Even though it's only temporary, things for him will be miserable for those months.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't be too worried. 52 isn't 62 or 72. My father is in his 60s and has driven all his life. He loves it. He enjoys overnights. He could sleep anywhere any time so that helps. It sounds like the family don't have much money, so obviously your mother would prefer you to get jobs within commuting distance. Could you afford rent, bills, food, transport etc living away from home? Would you be still looking for financial assistance from home, occasionally?

More important is that you get yourself sorted out and in the right frame of mind for going back to college in September. Are you ready for it? Will this year be different? Are you making step to ensure it will be different? If you go back and nothing has really changed then you run the risk of failing/dropping out next year.

Take this time to think about what it is you want. Do you want to go to college? Would you prefer to work for a few years and go back to college later when you are in a better place, both mentally and financially? Is the course one that you love and are excited about doing?

You don't have to answer those questions here, but think about them yourself and see what answers you come up with. I doubt your dad is taking this job purely because of you. My Dad, in his late 60s, has I job that most people think is heavy going. He really enjoys it though. It's lovely that you're concerned, but give your parents more credit to make decisions for themselves! You have to consider that your dad would rather work than rely on social welfare. And this is a job he's looking forward to trying out.

Rubberchikken

i think your dad will be well able to do this job and sleep in the truck. parents who only want what's best for their family will go to any lengths to ensure they're ok.

you need to look after yourself and show your mom what you're capable of. let the year in college go. you've been saving hard so you need to decide where to go from here.

take care

Lux23

I understand how you feel, but I think your dad wants to do this for you. Do everything you can to help out, cook, clean, look after his chores while he is away.

Dark Phoenix

I think OP you need to have a think about whether you want to go back to college and whether you are able for it. College is not for everyone. are you satisfied that you have relieved the mental health issues that you had last year? Have you determined the cause of these? Was it college related and are they likely to recur again if you go back to college?
You cannot change what happened last year but it would be a pointless sacrifice for your dad to do all this work for you to go back to college in September only to fail or drop out again for the same reasons plus that would be very hard on you too.
That said Id suggest you talk to him, explain your concerns, see how he is feeling. You going back to college might not be the only reason he is taking the job so you might be worrying unnecessarily

anncoates

Parents will do whatever possible to help their children. I'd do it in an instant for my kids. Don't beat yourself up about it but do try and look after yourself if you go back to college.

the_syco

guiltyFeelings wrote: »

due to some mental issues of my own

It comes down to what triggered these, and have you considered assistance for the issues? It would be better finding out the reason of the issues, and sorting them out whilst you can, than running into them again later in life.

LegacyUser

Ex amateur truck driver here.

Man, I used to love sleeping in my truck. Maybe it was because I was always tired - nevertheless, I did love sleeping in my truck. Granted, I didn't live in it; I might as well have though but It's a great job and your father will love it no doubt. It feels great to work, and your father will know this. So don't be feeling guilty. While you're feeling guilty, he'll be there feeling great, listening to the radio and will generally be happy out.

And sleeping out of a truck? We slept on the ground for hundreds of thousands of years. He will literally be grand. Put yourself in his truck boots, if you were sleeping out of a truck, wouldn't YOU be grand? Sure you would.

And 52?

As someone else pointed out, 52 is not 72 or even 62. It's a grand age to be working.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the helpful replies. I guess I'm just worried because he's not a young 52 or even a 52 52. he spend 21 years working 7 days a week, so he's paid his dues in that sense I feel. Something I left out in my op is that he has borrowed a lot of money from me over the years, 5 figures actually. he felt bad about borrowing that money from me because if I had that money myself I'd have been able to repeat the year straight away. I don't ever think of him as owing me money, he's obviously spent a lot more on providing for me over the years. its probably a source of personal embarrassment for him. I suppose he feels guilty about borrowing that money from me, and I feel guilty about him having to go away to take this job

Stavro Mueller

Would deferring college for another year be an option for you? It'd give your dad the chance to take that job locally.

Faith

It sounds like your dad's situation is entirely his own making, and has nothing at all to do with you. You failed college due to mental health issues, yes (which is more than understandable, by the way), but you said yourself that you had the money to repeat immediately. You would have repeated straight away if your dad didn't borrow money from you. You're contributing financially to the household and you've done pretty much everything in your power to find work.

You say your dad hasn't worked for 5 years, and has been struggling financially since 2008. He's just been waiting for this local work to start, without spending his time training or upskilling. Sounds like your parents financial situation is appalling regardless of you.

There's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. It has nothing to do with you. To be honest, the fact that you're taking all of your dad's poor decisions on your shoulders speaks volumes about your mental health issues. They're clearly still relevant. I think the best thing you could do is work on getting yourself healthy so you can move on with your own life. Your parents are adults and can look after themselves.

LegacyUser

@Stavro Mueller: Unfortunately no, I'm not able to defer. I was granted a medical repeat and only have to pay the student contribution rather than the full fees. I won't be able to avail of this in any other year or any other college so I have to go back this year

@Faith: My father has had work the past few years, but it's only a few weeks here and there, the nature of an unstable career I guess. He'd average about 3 months a year since the recession. I guess it's just hard to look at him as having made bad decisions, he does have a bit of an attitude of it being other people's fault for him having little work, which is true in some ways and just him being blind in others.

LegacyUser

Have you / will you be applying to SUSI for a third level grant ?

I dunno what your situation is but here's the eligibility criteria http://www.susi.ie/Should-I-apply/General-criteria.aspx. Ordinarily they don't fund repeat students as you need to be progressing in order to receive the grant but in your case, having received a medical exemption from the college you would be considered for the grant this year.

They will assess the household income for 2014 but if you have a change in circumstance (less money than last year) mention it in the application and they will assess your income for 2015.

I hope it works out for you and this may ease the financial burden. Best of Luck