How can I give support? What could I say?

Littlekittylou

I know someone whom I think is going through a tough time.

I am having trouble coming up with reassuring words. I don't know the whole of the circumstances.

I would imagine they have been tested to the extreme. I want them to hang in there. Whatever happens they just have to be ok, that's all.

People are independently minded and from their own conclusions.

I keep telling them to think of beautiful things. There is great beauty and laughter in this world. And happy things. But it's quite stressful. I wonder how they can be helped??

The only thing that gets rid of darkness is light.

How can I show them it will pass?

bp

Just be there I suppose - ring (not text) or meet up in person for general chats. Go for walks with them (fresh air helps) and let them talk if they want.

Rubberchikken

tell them if and when they want to talk you'll be there to listen. sometimes just spending time going for coffee, window shopping, walk, can help someone who is having a tough time.
there aren't any words that will be the 'right' words but your support will show them that this is a great world filled with great people and things and that all bad times do pass.

you sound like a great friend so well done for thinking of this person so kindly:)

LegacyUser

You're a kind person.
Having been through some horrifically bad times myself, I found my close friends did the complete opposite and stayed away from me! "Thought I'd leave you alone, you seemed to be having a rough time."

Possibly the worst thing anyone can do if they suspect or know their friend is having a hard time is to "leave them be". Our friendships have utterly changed since I realised they weren't interested in being available when the chips were as down as they could be.

Being there, contacting them regularly, offering to see them in person whenever it suits is enormously helpful.

Emme

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I know someone whom I think is going through a tough time.

I am having trouble coming up with reassuring words. I don't know the whole of the circumstances.

I would imagine they have been tested to the extreme. I want them to hang in there. Whatever happens they just have to be ok, that's all.

People are independently minded and from their own conclusions.

I keep telling them to think of beautiful things. There is great beauty and laughter in this world. And happy things. But it's quite stressful. I wonder how they can be helped??

The only thing that gets rid of darkness is light.

How can I show them it will pass?

How do you know it will pass? It might even get worse in the short to medium term.

The best think that you can do is to be there for your friend and give solid practical help when it is needed. I have been going through a very tough time myself for the last year with no sign of improvement and if somebody said to me "There is great beauty and laughter in this world. And happy things. The only thing that gets rid of darkness is light." I would feel like decking them. Right now I'm too busy coping to appreciate great beauty, laughter and happy things. No offence to you but that's how tough things are at the moment.

I have lost a lot of friends because of what I am going though now and the only ones who are left are the ones who are willing to give solid practical help. I will do the same for them if they need it in future.

Tokyo

Littlekittylou wrote: »

How can I show them it will pass?

Im my experience, you can't 'show' people that things will pass - the best you can do is be there for people while they are trying to make their way through it themselves.

Be there for your friend if they want to talk to you about it, but bear in mind that there's a difference between being there for somebody on their terms, and injecting yourself into their lives with the intent of making everything better for them as you see fit.

Littlekittylou

Thank you all. There is not really a lot i can do.
mike_ie

but bear in mind that there's a difference between being there for somebody on their terms, and injecting yourself into their lives with the intent of making everything better for them as you see fit.

Don't worry i respect boundaries. I really do.

Thank you for your replies. I am confused by it all really.

Rubberchikken

if you've never experienced a really tough time i guess it's confusing and hard to understand. try not to figure it out because i don't think it's possible, just be there if and when needed.
it's not something that can be fixed with a plaster and maybe it'll never be 'fixed' but in the meantime just be their friend.

LynnGrace

beentheresomeadvicee wrote: »

You're a kind person.
Having been through some horrifically bad times myself, I found my close friends did the complete opposite and stayed away from me! "Thought I'd leave you alone, you seemed to be having a rough time."

Possibly the worst thing anyone can do if they suspect or know their friend is having a hard time is to "leave them be". Our friendships have utterly changed since I realised they weren't interested in being available when the chips were as down as they could be.

Being there, contacting them regularly, offering to see them in person whenever it suits is enormously helpful.

Emme wrote: »

How do you know it will pass? It might even get worse in the short to medium term.

The best think that you can do is to be there for your friend and give solid practical help when it is needed. I have been going through a very tough time myself for the last year with no sign of improvement and if somebody said to me "There is great beauty and laughter in this world. And happy things. The only thing that gets rid of darkness is light." I would feel like decking them. Right now I'm too busy coping to appreciate great beauty, laughter and happy things. No offence to you but that's how tough things are at the moment.

I have lost a lot of friends because of what I am going though now and the only ones who are left are the ones who are willing to give solid practical help. I will do the same for them if they need it in future.

Totally agree, practical help is the way to go.

There are no 'right words', in my opinion, but letting someone know that you are there for them, in tough times, is important. It might be as a listening ear, it might be checking in with them every now and then, to see would they like to meet up, or is there anything that you can do.

Tough times for whatever reason, illness, bereavement or whatever, can really show who your true friends are.
I've been both sides of this. I've had the (now ex) friends who gave the line about 'not wanting to intrude'/ 'wanted to leave you in peace' when things were tough, and I would have appreciated contact from them. It translates to me as 'I didn't want to know'.

I've been there for others when they needed it, and they have been there for me. It's an old saying, but I truly believe that 'a friend in need, is a friend indeed'.

shaymus27

If this person could listen to someone who had been through something similar, they might be able to see that they are not alone.
They might be able to relate to someone who had been through it and how they coped or continue to struggle but cope on an on-going basis.
They may also be able to open up and confide in that person whatever it is that they really feel as the other person will have been open and vulnerable to them in revealing their own struggles.
You might tell this person to ring you any time day or night if they really feel low or if there is someone else they feel closer to that that person suggests the same to your vulnerable friend.
Meet-up, ring but the occasional text just to say hello as well lets the person know you are thinking of them and is support in itself.
Maybe encourage other friends to do the same - knowing people are thinking of you is more support.
If things get bad they may have to do something they will probably resist - admit they need help and seek help from someone who is qualified and competent to help. They won't admit it so someone may need to convince them in a loving compassionate but focussed way.

descheness

Sometimes it isn't always the words that are most important. It's just expressing that you are there for them and actively listening to them.