Unforgivable and disrespectful?

LegacyUser

I've been with my (ex) girlfriend for approx. 3 years.

It seems to have all come to an end.

She says it has all been a lie and she can't trust me.

We started of with a not so serious summer leading up to Christmas. After the Christmas she said she waned to try again with her ex, but soon after she realized she wanted to be with me and we got together. We were good for a long time, we had the talk about pasts, myself with practically no experience, herself with a few and all was good.

Then one day we started to talk about kissing for some reason and I told her that I had 'Pop kissed' a couple of people for the New Years before her ex issue. She got very upset at this, I tried to explain that it was nothing, just something people do at New Years but she was having none of it. She still felt like I had cheated on her. When I mean 'pop kiss' I mean the kind that you might give to your friends or family on 'New Years', these weren't strangers.

She got over that. We were good for a couple of months and then facebook got involved. She decided to check my search history and apparently it showed that I had been stalking a girl dozens of times who I was friends with on facebook. I had previously deleted my history so when she got upset about it I couldn't check back to see what she saw. I admitted that I had looked at this girl but that I didn't stalk her dozens of times that it must have been because I had looked at some pictures that she had up. I then found out that facebook had a search history and it showed in the last two months I had looked her up 4 times. I understood that I shouldn't have been looking up the person but it was just down to morbid curiosity. I didn't message anyone nor was I going to. We stopped using facebook

That took a long time to pass. She felt that if I was looking up someone else then I wasn't interested in her. Which I can understand but no matter how silly it may sound, there was no ulterior motive there.

After that we were fine, a couple of situations where she said I was looking at other women when we went out which wasn't really true but it's hard to convince someone that when you're looking around at people, it doesn't mean it's because you are attracted to them.

After that we've had issues where people from my past try to contact me, people that I told her I had liked at one point but nothing happen and she would get really upset, even though I try to explain to her I don't reach out to these people. Nor do I continue it.

Which is what has cause this final decision because over the last couple of weeks silly things just keep happening. First thing was that I had gotten an email from a friend who I had also liked many years ago that she knew about. I told her what the friend sent me in the mail, I even suggested to her to read it but she said no, I replied to the mail talking about myself and my girlfriend etc and the friend replied back. In the replied my friend did not refer at all to my girlfriend, even though I had mentioned her numerous times and she also asked me to skype. The girlfriend asked me what did my friend say and I told her what she said in regards to life and family etc but not the fact she didn't refer to her or about wanting Skype. I wasn't going to Skype so I wasn't hiding anything.

A couple of days later her mood changes, she read the email and was annoyed that when she asked me what did my friend say in the mail I didn't tell her what she would have wanted to know, like the fact she didn't refer to my girlfriend or that she wanted to Skype. I explained to her that I told her to read the first email, I had no problem with her reading them and that I wasn't going to Skype with the friend. She also was upset because I had received a linkdin request from another friend I had liked a long time ago and had deleted it. I didn't delete it to hide it, I hardly use that site and I don't keep those kind of mails, no matter who it is, I delete it straight away. She told me that I don't tell her the things that she would want to hear, I omit things for whatever reason and thats her issue with me.

She calmed down and we were being intimate when she asked me to tell her a story. I used random names. I realize now that you should really make sure of the names you choose. I don't know if it's how my brain is wired or what but one of the names I used was of a girl that I barely knew from years ago. I had hardly talked to the girl nor had thought of her since but for some reason my brain decided to use that name. She thought the name was odd and decided to look it up on the net and found out that one of my friends was friends with the person on facebook that has the same name.

That was the icing on the cake, it was complete disrespect and I can understand that but it was a complete coincidence, never liked the girl, hardly talked to her, never thought about her but yet her name comes out. Even when she first asked me I didn't remember the name until I properly thought over it.

She was really upset, she wanted to end it there and then but she was civil and I thought she may come around but then a couple of days after I get a message from a friend who had met up with a girl that I had a little 'thing' with, nearly had sex but didn't but I had explained this already to the gf. So after her explaining that the issue has been with me omitting things, despite the troubles that we currently have I showed her the message which also had a voice message attached. There was nothing bad about it, just saying good to hear you are doing good. That topped it all off. For doing what she asked, she wanted to end it.

She asked me more about the relationship I had with this girl, I told her we had met up a couple of times years ago which ended in us nearly having sex but nothing serious. The gf told me that the first time she asked me about this I didn't tell her that we had met up a couple of times, just that ye nearly had sex and that that was so much more than what I originally had told her.

Basically, I don't understand, I haven't been unfaithful, I've been honest, I have done some stupid things but they weren't with ulterior motives in mind and most of the issues were out of my control. Anytime she would ask me about something the answer was never exactly the same, so she thought that I must have been lying but the truth is, I don't remember every detail like it was yesterday and as they weren't important to me, I don't dwell on them. So if you ask me the same question twice at different times, there's a possibility my replied could be slightly different.

I don't know what I'm looking for but I love the girl and I wouldn't hurt her like that but from my point of view I think she is drawing the wrong conclusions that I'm caught up on other women, do you think that is true from what I've explained above?

Also, a massive issue is the fact she needs to make a decision whether to stay here or leave the country. Which I think is a major part of why she gets so upset.

Apologies for so much text.

retro:electro

Wow, that was mental torture just to read nevermind actually living it. She sounds like a complete and utter control freak and tbh you're letting her walk all over you. If I were you Id run for the hills.

Littlekittylou

She calmed down and we were being intimate when she asked me to tell her a story. I used random names. I realize now that you should really make sure of the names you choose. I don't know if it's how my brain is wired or what but one of the names I used was of a girl that I barely knew from years ago. I had hardly talked to the girl nor had thought of her since but for some reason my brain decided to use that name. She thought the name was odd and decided to look it up on the net and found out that one of my friends was friends with the person on facebook that has the same name.

Basically, I don't understand,

That's because it's insane.

beyondbelief67

I just don't understand why if you offered to let her read the email, and then told her about the reply, why you omitted the most important part about your friend wanting to skype ?
If my bf did that I'd think he was hiding something to and that there was something going on for him not to tell me that.

DukeOfTheSharp

What stood out to me is that she's thinking about going abroad, and it all kind of made sense (in a horrifically childish way) in regards to how she's acting. Self-sabotage is really easy when you want to do something, but are in a relationship - at least for some people - and it seems like she's screwed the whole thing up on the basis that she actually wants to go, and is trying her best to make sure that she has no attachment to you when she does. You can't be honest with her, because it'll cause hassle, and on top of all of that, anything and everything will set her off. You could very well have told her about the whole skype thing, but chances are you'd be in the exact same position you are now, because it didn't matter what your intent was, her intent was always to have a problem.

It sounds like she's profoundly insecure and unhappy in her current situation, and that she wants to go abroad, and she wants to absolutely destroy her relationship with you so she can go without any strings attached. I'd stick with being away from her, she sounds like she's not really mature enough to handle any form of relationship, especially when it gets in the way of her own narrative for her life.

Mr. Incognito

Boundary issues.

She is stalking your facebook and email.

No trust = no relationship.

Get out, the insecure one is usually the one cheating.

giggle84

Confused32 wrote: »

After the Christmas she said she waned to try again with her ex, but soon after she realized she wanted to be with me and we got together..

I told her that I had 'Pop kissed' a couple of people for the New Years before her ex issue. She got very upset at this.. She still felt like I had cheated on her..

She decided to check my search history..

a couple of situations where she said I was looking at other women when we went out which wasn't really true..

A couple of days later her mood changes, she read the email and was annoyed..

She also was upset because I had received a linkdin request from another friend I had liked a long time ago and had deleted it.

She told me that I don't tell her the things that she would want to hear, I omit things for whatever reason and thats her issue with me.

She calmed down and we were being intimate when she asked me to tell her a story...??

She thought the name was odd and decided to look it up on the net and found out that one of my friends was friends with the person on facebook that has the same name.

For doing what she asked, she wanted to end it.

My head is wrecked reading that so your head must be melted altogether. The lines above are what really stood out to me. All of this is her issue, not your's. She obviously has trust issues but I'm not sure what you've done to deserve it.. I mean checking your Facebook and reading your emails?! Really?!

I think you should take some time apart here and really think about whether your life is better in this relationship or out of it. It shouldn't be this hard.

Big Bag of Chips

I would find it almost impossible to make up a story and use a name that I have absolutely no connection to whatsoever. Checking friends of your friends to see if the name you used is in their lists?

The girl is doing her best to drive you away.

There is also the possibility that she has a guilty conscience herself. The people I have know who are adamant that their partner is cheating, or going to cheat, or looking for somebody to cheat with are often the ones doing that themselves. And they judge everyone else by their own standards.

I think this is not going to go anywhere for you. Apart from cutting yourself off from the entire outside world and only speaking to her, there is nothing you can do.

She will always have a problem. You will always be wrong. Even if you tell her every detail of every conversation you ever have the problem will then become that you actually have these conversations in the first place. Let her go. And find a girl who's a little less obsessed the next time.

IlmoNT4

I think you should break up with this person and get them out of your life

I felt ill reading your post, most of it makes no sense, lifes too short for this nonsense... Why would you even want to be in this type of relationship. It sounds awful.

Grandeeod

Facebook yet again.:rolleyes:

OP? Someone said earlier, run for the hills. Take the advice.

MagicMarker

I could only get through half your post before I was forced to stop. Op, your girlfriend is a crazy woman. Get the hell out of dodge.

kylith

She is going out of her way to find things to start a row over, and at this stage you're probably afraid to say that you were served by a woman in a shop in case this looper starts an argument.

Ask yourself if you really need this drama in your life.

Dellnum

The best thing you can do OP is to just say "there is nothing in this contact or any of the contacts I have had since I met you, take it or leave it". Quit explaining things to her. If she keeps looking for explanations then tell her to get lost that you are not going to be interrogated like this every time someone contacts you. If she cannot handle this then let her go. It is not meant to be.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. She is a great and wonderful person and a catch and a half so it really does upset me it has turned out this way.

It seems when it all boils down, she says it's the differences in the stories about my past that gets to her. Apparently I originally I didn't go into full detail about the girl I 'nearly' had sex with and that I had played it down. So when she asked again about it and I explained it, she said that what I had originally told her painted another picture in her head than what I just told her.

I had told her I hadn't seen anyone naked. I had also told her I hadn't slept with someone before. So when she asked me again the other day about the relationship with this girl I made sure to tell her exactly what I remembered. I said it was dark, she was naked or close to naked and we nearly had sex. It didn't happen due to lack of adequate protection so we just fell asleep (Slept together in her opinion). This was at a house party with a bit of booze involved.

As I stated above, she said that that was a different picture than before that I had told her I had dropped the hand and she couldn't remember if I had said that we nearly had sex. Maybe I did downplay it but not intentionally and it compares nothing to what we had....

So that's that. From all the replies ye have given, it seems that she is the issue but if you had asked your partner something and they gave you a story and if you asked again after that there was something different about it, how would you feel?

Chucky the tree

Confused32 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. She is a great and wonderful person and a catch and a half so it really does upset me it has turned out this way.

<Mod Snip> No need to quote entire post.

No she's not. She's a horrible person. Also it's quite common for people who are cheating to go absolutely nuts over board when they are the ones who are cheating.

ManOfMystery

Confused32 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote entire post.

Ultimately, it's all irrelevant. It happened before she came along, and it's not like you told her a totally different version of events - you said before that you nearly had sex, and the situation now is still that - you nearly had sex.

She's crazy.

LegacyUser

Confused32 wrote: »

I've been with my (ex) girlfriend for approx. 3 years.It seems to have all come to an end.She says it has all been a lie and she can't trust me.We started of with a not so serious summer leading up to Christmas. After the Christmas she said she waned to try again with her ex, but soon after she realized she wanted to be with me and we got together. We were good for a long time, we had the talk about pasts, myself with practically no experience, herself with a few and all was good.

So she broke up up with you to go back to her ex, then she realised the grass wasn't greener or he wasn't going to tolerate her psychotic behaviour and she comes back to you and you take her back! If somebody dumps you to go back to their ex is that not a major RED FLAG that you really don't mean much to her at all. She is now making out that you are a liar and she can’t trust you when she is cleary the one with the trust and insecurity issues. Checking your email, fb and and girls who you fancied or were nearly with is crazy behaviour. Seriously who does this?? That is not trusting relationship and considering she was willing to dump you at the drop of a hat and go back to her ex says it all op.

Confused32 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. She is a great and wonderful person and a catch and a half so it really does upset me it has turned out this way.

So she's drop dead gorgeous if she is a catch and a half !! but juts happens to be a seriously insecure and immature person.

Confused32 wrote: »

So that's that. From all the replies ye have given, it seems that she is the issue but if you had asked your partner something and they gave you a story and if you asked again after that there was something different about it, how would you feel?

Who you dated /fancied before is none of her business, why are you are feeding the drama by telling her about other girls and stories from your past its none of her business. Whats in the past should stay in the past.

strobe

You need to draw a line in the sand with her. "My past is my past, it's irrelevant, I'm with you now, and I've no interest in anyone else. But this constant interrogation is gradually undermining our relationship. Leave the past in the past. If you can't do that, we're both going to be unhappy. I want you to take some time to thi k about thi g and decide if that's something you're willing, or able to do. If not for both our sakes, we should probably part ways."

I know you don't want to break up with her but the present situation is unsustainable and you will break up either way unless she commits to changing her current way of doing things. If she's not willing to make that commitment to change, just end things now for both your sakes, it's the fairest thing for both of you, as staying together is just delaying the inevitable.

Melisandre121

OP your girlfriend sounds very insecure, it really sounds like she could use some counselling to deal with those issues. This behaviour is unacceptable and you need to start making that clear to her. Your past is really none of her business, and neither is your Facebook.

Fubrege

You are her back up plan, I 'd hazard a guess she was dumped by her ex and still pines for him, she thought she had a chance of getting him back but that didn't work out so she came back to you. Don'the be anyone's back up plan. Drop her and move on.