Tired of being single

LukeCamps

Im in college and I'm out to everyone, which I'm happy about. However, I just feel so crap about being single. For months Id hide how I really felt to friends but I just can't take it anymore.
All my friends say just wait, it'll happen... But my self esteem is just so low I'm nearly giving up on the whole thing. I'm just becoming fed up. Dunno what to do. Any suggestions/help?

Ten of Swords

Are you actively trying to meet new people? Does you college have a LGBT society which might expand your circle of friends

LukeCamps

I try my best as someone who is socially awkward 😜 I'm in my colleges lgbt society, not really the best tbh...

Ash885

Join groups around college, not solely LGBT. Most of the better relationships I've witnessed happened through friendships from sport, drama soc etc... And there's really nothing wrong with being patient; I know it's a kick in the balls but wait till you're with someone you're very compatible with in lieu of dating a complete eegit for the sake of it. You'll get there!

Ten of Swords

Your friends clearly mean well but their advice to 'just wait, it'll happen' is rather simplistic in my opinion - do what you can to make it happen. You're out, that's the first and hardest hurdle dealt with. If their LGBT society doesn't suit you then go further afield, seek out groups or clubs outside the college, or try the pubs/clubs if you're into that.

Look the worst thing you can do is settle for someone just because they're there, don't lose hope

LukeCamps

Thanks for the advice 😊 but I find it really hard even making friends. I'm very shy and awkward around people, bot random and people I know. I feel like I have to watch everything I say, in front of anyone, which is tiring.

Ten of Swords

If you've identified this as a problem then you need to work on it, as far as I can see the best way to get what you want is to make the most of the opportunities being at college presents and that means more/new social circles and get yourself out there.

Do you have a group of gay/bi friends that you can go into town with for a night out? Talking to new people, as intimidating as that sounds, if the best way to cope with social anxiety, it they don't reciprocate then you'll never have to deal with them again - that's how I look at it anyway.

LukeCamps

Don't really have a group that would go into the town...besides, it's not the best place for gays to meet others... It's really pretty crap tbh

Ten of Swords

OK if pub or club is not your scene that's fine but it narrows your options somewhat. You're kind of back to clubs and societies, or apps if you're feeling really brave but I wouldn't recommend that if you're looking for a meaningful connection with someone.

LukeCamps

I do love pubs and clubs 😊 but I'd never go up to people and just start chatting to them... I get really self conscious, nervous and shy...

Ash885

^ Well I'm sorry but no one is going to go over to you to help you out on this department. You got to make the change you want to see in your life. My college didn't have a sniff of an LGBT society. I made friends through other socs. That in itself spreads outwards. I also use to go to the boards meetups on my own and it helped a good bit.

If you really want to go to the scene then go for it, plenty of people go on their own and I've met some of the most friendliest people in the gay bars. Not really sure what advice you're expecting right now

Aurongroove

I was the same as you, well, If I'm being honest I conquered my shyness before I came out, but it did return a little bit once I began trying to socialize on the gay scene.

It can be daunting, and Ireland has a real small pool of gay people, I practically know all 40 or so out people from Sligo down to Limerick because of the year or two I spent in the OutWest committee, and likewise Dublin and the scene there (Dragon, PAntibar, The George) They have bigger numbers but no where near as big as the likes of London, Central European cities or american cities.


My advice is, find communities like this one online, you might want to also check out gaire. But do plan a night out, even if it's in on the train, standing in the corner of panti bar for three hours, home again.
Set yourself small goals. My first one was "one drink" I went into dublin, had a drink, left.

the next time it was two drinks.
a drink and try to chat to someone. etc, etc.
you will always meet assholes, but those assholes may be stuck being assholes for their whole lives, where as you're only going to be shy and nervous at one strange of your life, until you over come it.
You will always meet folk who are very understanding and welcoming and supportive (I certainly did) and that makes all the difference.

Keep the issues of being single and being shy seperate; otherwise you'll give yourself a never ending feedback loop:
I'm single because I don't socialize
I don't socialize because I'm shy
I'm shy because I lack confidence
I lack confidence because I'm lonely
I'm lonely because I'm single


Find a point in the loop you feel is the easiest to over come, and focus all your enegry on that, without worrying about the rest of it.

I started with the "I don't socialise" link, and now I feel like I can go anywhere, with or without friends.

kjoanna

Don't give up, sometimes it takes time to meet right person.
If you are shy, try to talk to people online.
It doesn't mean you need to go out with anyone but sometimes chatting to other people might help to boost up you self-esteem.

floggg

LukeCamps wrote: »

Thanks for the advice 😊 but I find it really hard even making friends. I'm very shy and awkward around people, bot random and people I know. I feel like I have to watch everything I say, in front of anyone, which is tiring.

Firstly, without trying to negate your feelings on this, I think you should gain some perspective. If you are still in college, you are likely too young to really know what its like to be tired of being single.

Many people dont enter their first real relationship until well into their mid to late 20s (or later), so while you might feel you should have found somebody right now thats really not how these things work.

Secondly, can you tell how exactly you try yo make friends and meet people. What is it you are doing currently, and what do you think you could work on?

How do you perceive other people meet their partners? Do you think it just happens, or do they need to put themselves about to?

Lastly, why exactly does being single make you feel crap? What exactly do you think is missing from your life? What exactly do you think relationship will provide you? What do you think you can offer a partner?

Hope you don't think those questions are pointed or critical, but I'm trying to learn more about your situation and to try and get you to step back and think about it in a more objective manner as well.

Peregrinus

LukeCamps wrote: »

Thanks for the advice 😊 but I find it really hard even making friends. I'm very shy and awkward around people, bot random and people I know. I feel like I have to watch everything I say, in front of anyone, which is tiring.

Find people with whom you have shared interests, is the way to go. Preferably gay people, obviously. So join a gay choir, a gay hillwalking group, a gay group for whatever-it-is-you're-into-yourself. That way you have shared interests and shared activities to get you through the awkward how-do-I-talk-to-strangers? phase.

In short, make new gay friends and acquaintances with whom you have something in common, beyond both being gay. Maybe something will start there, maybe not, but you'll be widening your social circle. Through them you'll meet their gay friends, and so forth.