School reunion, should I go?

LegacyUser

I am going to try and keep this brief without going into much detail.

I live abroad and have a school reunion coming up soon. It's something I would like to attend, had a lot of good friends whom I lost touch with when I moved away (no facebook back then), so it would be nice catching up.

The problem is someone who used to be my best friend. We've know each other all our lives and lived close by growing up. We moved to different parts of the world but always kept in touch and visited regularly. A while back my girlfriend and I were doing a long distance relationship, and to cut a long story short, they started a very inappropriate relationship over email and sms. My girlfriend then moved back to the same country as me and around this time he also got a transfer to the same country as us. Something didn't seem right in my gut and I was right, they had a secret meetup planned, but I turned up instead. I confronted him, nothing physical happened, but that was the last time I spoke to him. My girlfriend and I then spent the next 15 months in counselling working things out and we are still together now and have a family. Some stuff came up during the counselling that if I'd known when I confronted him that night, then it probably would have gotten physical. Over the years he tried contacting me, but I always just ignored it. I want nothing to do with him.

The problem is, he will be there. He has a big ego and wouldn't miss an opportunity like this to show how great things are for him. And if I go, he will there trying to be all buddy buddy with me and I'm not sure how I would react. There wouldn't be many people there, so I can't really avoid him.

Is it worth the hassle of dragging up bad memories, and having to confront him, just to meet some old friends?

Mr. Remote Control

I normally try to think quite balanced, but I wouldn't be bothered at this very minute in time so I'll just give you one side, hopefully somebody else will come up with the balance that the following words will be lacking. I do accept there are plenty good reasons why one would attend. Nevertheless...

I say no, f*** it. F*** that. It'll probably be a sh*t night anyway and with all the drink involved, who knows what could happen. If you're in a good place at the minute and are apprehensive that the night might stir up bad feelings for you, then f*** that sh*t. Good feelings are good. Bad feelings are bad.

orthsquel

Your motivation for going would be to make contact with old friends that you have an interest in having contact with.
Your sole reason for not going is someone who hurt and betrayed you and that meeting them might drag up bad memories.

I avoided places and interests because people I fell out with were established in them and couldn't face having to deal with those people. It became a massive problem with anything that started up they'd be there, or somehow involved, or knew everyone. It soon became a situation of letting someone else's presence - and the fear of it - dictate where I would and wouldn't go, what events I would consider and if I returned and it isolated me. It's not that I was unwelcome, it was that I felt like I couldn't relax and be myself without the fear of having to deal with them, and the problem was with me, not them. Rather than dealing with the problem I removed myself from the situation, and I regret that.

There is no guarantee that he will be there. You can either choose to not go because of him and have him ruin the opportunity of getting back in contact with people that you are interested in knowing. Or you can go, put the brave face on, put the issue aside, see the people you want, and just not engage with him or give him the opportunity to force you to re-live bad memories.

Stavro Mueller

It really depends on your temperament. If you think that you could see yourself having a stand-up row with him in the middle of the floor, then stay away. If on the other hand you think you can mingle with everyone else and tolerate him being in the room you should go. I think it is going to be awkward though. If it was me, I'd tell him to get out of my sight and that I never wanted to speak to him again ever but then I'm grumpy Maybe you could go but be prepared to leave early if you think things will get out of hand?

Tokyo

Mr. Remote Control - I appreciate that you are trying to advise the OP, but I'm sure that you could have managed to get across your point - 'no, I don't think you should go' - without throwing five expletives into the mix. Please tone it down a bit in future.

Regards,
~Mike

seamusk84

Wouldn't go. Those things are just full of the section that wants to show off.
Your old sound friends won't be there.

whats_my_name

In these types of scenarios I don't understand how you can forgive one person but not the other....

orthsquel

Just an after thought OP and contrary to my advise - if you really feel you can't go, have you checked your old school's website if they have an online notice board specifically for past pupils wanting to get in contact with old friends? or even an existing facebook community page that exists specifically for your reunion? Maybe you could leave a message there although there's no guarantee the people you want to get in touch with will see it.

The Princess Bride

I'm going to take this other man out of the equation for a moment because of this.

old_school_reunion wrote: »

It's something I would like to attend, had a lot of good friends whom I lost touch with when I moved away (no facebook back then), so it would be nice catching up.

Quite simply, good friends keep in touch. The girls I'm still great friends with today, are the ones I wrote to back in the days pre mobiles, FB etc..& stayed in contact with because they were worth it.

I had both a college and a school reunion in the last decade - it became obvious not long into both why I'd not kept in touch with so many-because they were merely classmates I got on with rather than good friends.
And the ones who'd been unbearable back then, were still the same 20+years later.

About this man- it's great that you & your girlfriend sought professional help and moved on with your lives.
He doesn't know this, chances are he's moved on also but you don't know this & seeing him again just might bring those ugly memories back to the surface again for you?
Personally, I can't imagine any reunion being worth that.

If you decide to go, enjoy- but I think you need to rethink if it's worth the potential of him being there.

Sunny Dayz

I know some people have rightly pointed out that true friends stay in touch. But I know myself that I'm not the best at staying in contact with people, with life family and work taking up so much time. I had lost contact with a friend from college for years, found her on Facebook and while we are not as pally as we were before, it is nice to have made that contact and to know she is still in my life. Go and meet up with old friends, have a catch up, you will be glad you did.

Rubberchikken

to answer your question - is it worth going and dragging up old memories to just meet up with old friends - i'd say no.

only go if you think you would enjoy meeting people you were in school with and if you think you could handle whatever this guy would do/say.

but if you think it'll end in any kind of hassle then don't bother.
sometimes people who act all big and macho are covering up a big inadequacy. you have your partner and family. it's possible his life hasn't turned out as he hoped. maybe behind the bluster lies a very insecure individual who would wither at the first put down.

but it's hard to know if it's worth going to all the trouble of going to see what happens. only you can decide.
best of luck

Mr. Remote Control

Hey man. I just wanna try again, minus the expletives. I think the very fact you posted here shows you don't need any of this (Ahhhhh, I'm trying really hard not to swear) stuff. I could very well be wrong, but I just think it's not worth it. Having re-read your post again I can't help but think that you did so well to work through the... stuff... you went through - and that can't have been easy. It's admirable that you came through it all.

I'm trying to think here, is my post/advice poor or incorrect. Is it not right? Is it poor. Poor in the sense I'm suggesting you don't go because of somebody else. But I really don't think it is. I think the best course of action is to say...

Flip that flippin' stuff!! I don't need that flippin' stuff in my life right now!!

bee06

I personally wouldn't go. Why risk the months and months of counselling with the possibility of dragging it all back up. As for the old friends, chances are what will happen is you'll have a laugh, all promise to make more of an effort to keep in touch and never see each other again until the next reunion.

tinkerbell

I wouldn't go. Good friends keep in touch, might not be regularly but they still keep in touch. You aren't friends with these people anymore, they are just old school friends now. Personally I've never been to a school reunion - I think they are cringeworthy and pointless. I keep in touch with only a select few from school, I'd have no interest though in going to a reunion making small talk with people who are now essentially strangers.

DoozerT6

bee06 wrote: »

I personally wouldn't go. Why risk the months and months of counselling with the possibility of dragging it all back up. As for the old friends, chances are what will happen is you'll have a laugh, all promise to make more of an effort to keep in touch and never see each other again until the next reunion.

^^ basically this but I'll add my own 2c:

OP, you live abroad, so this reunion will come at some financial cost to you as well, not to mention using up your holiday time. Are you sure your old friends are even going to the reunion? I didn't go to my 20 year reunion, by all accounts it was a very small affair. Have you been in contact with these old friends much/at all since your schooldays? I can't help but worry that you're building up the reunion into something bigger than it is....only to come home from abroad to a function room at the back of a pub, with a few trays of cocktail sausages on the tables, and maybe only a quarter of your old schoolmates there.

The other issue - your ex-best friend - would also give me pause. This wasn't just a petty falling-out, there was as significant betrayal involved and this sent you and your partner into counselling. That's a bit more serious than for instance, him 'forgetting' to give you back your Father Ted boxset and then ignoring your calls. You say you're not sure how you'd react to him possibly goading you....so why on earth would you risk something physical happening, and possibly having another negative impact on your relationship, when you could avoid it?