New gf is self-conscious

Snatchy

Hi guys - I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months. She is the best, most gorgeous girl I have ever met. I am madly in love with her and at this point, feel like I want to spend my life with her. I tell her this all the time (and yes, it's reciprocated).

However, she is deeply self-conscious about the way she looks. I'm not too concerned about it starting to affect our sex life - I am just struggling with the fact that no matter how many compliments I give her, I can't make her feel better about herself.

Any suggestions?

Littlekittylou

Snatchy wrote: »

I am just struggling with the fact that no matter how many compliments I give her, I can't make her feel better about herself.

Any suggestions?

It's probably just internal at the moment. It actually might not even really be about looks at all a lot of the time. And these things can wax and wane. It's really something she will have to do internally for her. And your compliments probably mean more than you realize.

Don't push it. You are still new and quite confusing to each other so you might understand each other better in time.

Don't worry about it. Just accept her and remember it's touchy. Maybe she is fragile or sensitive. People can be learning who they are healing is a journey. It's not your burden. It's difficult to explain but don't poke maybe?

This early I am sure there is a lot hidden beneath unknown to you both about feelings, trust and lives etc. Sensitive people can be guarded. I am sure you are not held to anything. Therapy can help. Just support a healthy environment. There can be a lot going on that you don't know even when you think you do.

She possibly is enjoying your compliments more than you think. Often it's more about what else had gone on or is going on in life. She possibly hyper sensitive to criticism. I wouldn't use it against her ever.

Often it's not about compliments but about everything else around them.

Don't harp on about it as an issue though. It might put a magnifying glass on the topic.

Shrap

Snatchy wrote: »

I am just struggling with the fact that no matter how many compliments I give her, I can't make her feel better about herself.

Some people have a really hard time with feeling good about themselves, and it can be a long learning curve of acceptance of who you are in all your aspects - physical and emotional. The best help you can give is just to love her as she is, and the feeling she will have of being totally accepted by you is going to have an effect. The more friends and family she gains over time who also love her just as she is, the quicker she will come to understand this and trust their opinion some day.

One day soon hopefully she will understand that her low opinion of herself isn't realistic or worthy of her, because so many other people think she's great and doesn't need to change.

From what I understand of men, there is a natural urge to try and "fix" a problem, even one that is belonging to someone else. I'm sure that's with women too actually, but a very male thing IMO is to want to give an answer that will fix the problem, and that's not really possible for anyone else. The solution has to come from within, so I'd suggest not wearing out the compliments. Ease off a bit, and only compliment her appearance when you get the heart felt urge to tell her she's gorgeous! Do tell her you love just as she is, and that she's just plain wrong about herself though.

Chucky the tree

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months. She is the best, most gorgeous girl I have ever met. I am madly in love with her and at this point, feel like I want to spend my life with her. I tell her this all the time (and yes, it's reciprocated)

Firstly, this all comes across as being a bit unhealthy. It's perfectly acceptable to like her, but to feel this way about someone after 4 months is just not a healthy place to be in, for yourself or your partner. It's not the foundations to build a healthy relationship on.

However, she is deeply self-conscious about the way she looks. I'm not too concerned about it starting to affect our sex life - I am just struggling with the fact that no matter how many compliments I give her, I can't make her feel better about herself.

It's not your job to make her feel better about herself, that's your girlfriends job and something she needs to learn to do herself if she wants to be in healthy state of mind. Suggest she gets counselling on her self-esteem issues and then I'd also really recommend couples counselling as well to work on your sex-life.

Shrap

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Suggest she gets counselling on her self-esteem issues and then I'd also really recommend couples counselling as well to work on your sex-life.

I do agree with your first paragraph, but I don't know if the OP's girlfriend is affecting the relationship with her not feeling comfortable about her appearance. The OP is certain that it won't have an effect on their sex life, for example.

If the gf (similar to another thread up here) is constantly looking for validation about her looks, then that's another story and it may cause relationship problems, but if the only problem the OP has is that he doesn't like his gf feeling this way about herself, then suggesting counselling is a bit strong I feel.

Pippy1976

Chucky the tree wrote: »

to feel this way about someone after 4 months is just not a healthy place to be in, for yourself or your partner. It's not the foundations to build a healthy relationship on.

That doesn't make any sense. He can feel what he wants after 4 months. It's not up to anyone else (& their perception of what's 'healthy') to say whether someone can be madly in love with their partner after 4 months.

In much the same way as there's no time limit on getting over losing a love, there is no time frame in which to fall in love.

Go with it. It sounds wonderful to me. She'll learn to love herself, the way you do, in time... don't push it.

Chucky the tree

Pippy1976 wrote: »

That doesn't make any sense. He can feel what he wants after 4 months. It's not up to anyone else (& their perception of what's 'healthy') to say whether someone can be madly in love with their partner after 4 months.

In much the same way as there's no time limit on getting over losing a love, there is no time frame in which to fall in love.

That's true, he can feel whatever he wants.

But as I also said expressing it to his girlfriend, especially when she has low self-esteem is not a healthy thing to do, it is also not good for a healthy relationship.

He tells her it all the time, why? I mean he probably does it so she will feel better about herself but it's extremely unhealthy to get a person to link their happiness to another. It's basically what happens in any emotionally abusive relationship. One person basically convinces the other person that they need them so badly that they can't/shouldn't leave them because their happiness is so dependent on the other person.

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Go with it. It sounds wonderful to me. She'll learn to love herself, the way you do, in time... don't push it.

Says who? After she links her happiness to the OP? Is that healthy? No one should be in a relationship to be happy, it's extremely unhealthy. People should be in a relationship to make themselves happier.


In saying all that the OP seems like a decent guy, I just don't think he realises the potential damage he could be doing by constantly bombarding this girl with declarations of love to improve her self-esteem.

bee06

OP, gaining self confidence and being comfortable with oneself is a long, gradual process and that might be hard for you to understand if you don't have low self esteem. Telling her how great she is and her actually believing it will take longer than a few months. You need to let her work through this herself and not go over the top with the positivity because you could end up making her feel uncomfortable. A normal amount of positive expression of how you feel about her and see her is great but going over the top in an effort to push her to be self-confident is not.

Chucky the tree

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Firstly, this all comes across as being a bit unhealthy. It's perfectly acceptable to like her, but to feel this way about someone after 4 months is just not a healthy place to be in, for yourself or your partner. It's not the foundations to build a healthy relationship on..

I'm sorry, but I have to counteract this. Your saying it is unhealthy is a bit unfair. Every person is different, every relationship is different, and what makes one relationship healthy could make another relationship unhealthy. There are no guidelines or rules to follow - so, if the OP wants to be madly in love with someone after 4 months, then so be it. It is a perfectly natural feeling.

To use a practical example -
A woman close to me proposed to her now husband after 6 months of their being together. They are now happily married with a beautiful baby boy.

So, you might find that crazy, but it worked for them.

Regarding the OP's GF, if someone has had self-worth issues for a long time then it would really have sunken deep. As someone mentioned, it is something that they need to work on. You can compliment them, which you should keep doing, but don't go overboard, and keep making them feel appreciated, but it is up to them to realize it.

Just give it time

MistyCheese

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just give it time

How much time though?

[Deleted User] wrote: »

To use a practical example -
A woman close to me proposed to her now husband after 6 months of their being together. They are now happily married with a beautiful baby boy.

Yeah but how long have they been together? A year? 5 years? Who's to say that in a year or two they won't be in the process of a divorce and custody struggle?

dudara

OP - does your girlfriend have low self-esteem and if so, how does it manifest?

TBH, I don't quite get that from your first post. What I do get is that you give her compliments and you think she doesn't take them well. Some more info would be useful before giving advice.

Scarinae

MistyCheese wrote: »

Yeah but how long have they been together? A year? 5 years? Who's to say that in a year or two they won't be in the process of a divorce and custody struggle?

And who's to say that they will? My parents went on their first date in March 1977 and got married in October of the same year, and they're still together and happy (and no, my Mum wasn't pregnant - she just said that they knew it was right so why wait). Anyway this is irrelevant to the OP's question.

OP, compliments are nice but it's not that simple to fix deep self-consciousness that she may have had for years. You seem to be taking it personally that your compliments aren't enough. Don't go overboard with them because it may just make her feel awkward.

Snatchy

Thank you for the replies, everyone.

To answer an earlier question, my gf does show signs of self-consciousness. By way of background, she has had to struggle with a long-term physical condition (back-related) that she has had since her early teens (we are both mid-20s now) and which has prevented her from not only doing the physical things/sports she used to love doing/playing but has also, naturally, had a massive emotional impact on her. She has tried every treatment available over the years but nothing seems to have worked. As this is still a new relationship (and I have obviously not been a witness of her history of attempts to treat her issue), I feel positive about the idea of there being some level of hope regarding finding the right treatment to at least ease the level of pain/discomfort she experiences on a semi-regular basis - however, as it is a highly sensitive topic for her, I am also very careful about articulating my enthusiasm regarding "other things to try" to her.

This has had a (significant) part to play in damaging her self-esteem. She is worried about things like having more weight around certain parts of her body than she thinks she should have and gets quite upset about it (although again, in my eyes, she is absolutely beautiful and I remind her of this regularly (although hopefully not to an annoying/falsifying level)). It manifests itself in things like, for example, her saying last week that she is fearful of revealing her legs to any degree around my parents (who live in a Mediterranean climate and who we are both going to see in a few months time) because she is worried that they'll think that she's fat and "not good enough for me" - this is of course completely irrational and ridiculous. Her plate is full enough as it is - she leads a very busy life with a hectic work schedule and is also pursuing a masters and I just feel that her worrying about things like her appearance and "not being good enough for me" have the potential to, at times, bring her to psychological boiling point. I love her to bits and her level of fragility at times, causes me a significant amount of concern. I'm just not quite sure of how to deal with this. Is the best thing to do, simply to leave it and let her deal with it herself and just be supportive and there for her? I get the logic with that but as someone already mentioned earlier, my natural inclination is to try and "fix" this.

Your advices are much appreciated,

S

Chucky the tree

Snatchy wrote: »

I'm just not quite sure of how to deal with this. Is the best thing to do, simply to leave it and let her deal with it herself and just be supportive and there for her? I get the logic with that but as someone already mentioned earlier, my natural inclination is to try and "fix" this.

Your advices are much appreciated,

S

Is your natural inclination to try and fix her back issue as well? I mean do you offer to do some DIY chiropractor work on her to make it better? If she had a lump on her breast would you try and fix that yourself? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you'd say no to the last two questions so why is her mental health any different?

gsi300024v

Snatchy wrote: »

Hi guys - I've been with my girlfriend for 4 months. She is the best, most gorgeous girl I have ever met. I am madly in love with her and at this point, feel like I want to spend my life with her. I tell her this all the time (and yes, it's reciprocated).

However, she is deeply self-conscious about the way she looks. I'm not too concerned about it starting to affect our sex life - I am just struggling with the fact that no matter how many compliments I give her, I can't make her feel better about herself.

Any suggestions?

So is there anything negative you think about yourself, if someone came to you and said it wasn't true, would you instantly stop thinking it?
Nope,

Strawberry Swan

Her self consciousness comes from a place deep within that she has probably been carrying for a long time, probably from her teens which are a terribly self conscious time anyway. How she dealt with her back issues then most likely set a negative pattern for the future. Her psychological issues also sound like they are about her core person, that she is fundamentally broken and if she fixes her back she will fix herself. I personally think she needs to separate her physical self from her internal self and learn to love and accept herself for who she is right now. Counselling is the best option for her as this seems to be a long term issue and it will take time to change her thinking. CBT in particular may suit but it's not for everyone.

I strongly disagree with people who say that you have no role to play in helping her to feel better about herself. Being there for her to talk when she wants to talk is very important. When she says negative things about herself it's important that you focus her back onto the objective positives as it challenges her negative thoughts. She needs to learn to do this herself, to replace her own automatic negative thoughts with positive ones. And positive doesn't mean false just as negative doesn't mean false. It's what we choose to focus on that's important. Over time, the positive thinking will take over from the negative ones. That's if she wants to change her thinking pattern. Some people love to wallow in misery but from the other things you say about her, I doubt it very much.

I believe that just you being there, cuddling her, being affectionate, looking at her with loving eyes, listening to her; it all helps and she is very lucky to have such a lovely understanding boyfriend who wants to help her get better. But at the end of the day, we cant change anyone else. We can only change ourselves.

Snatchy

Strawberry Swan wrote: »

Her self consciousness ...

Thank you very much. This is massively helpful. Thank you.

LegacyUser

Strawberry Swan’s advice is great.. And to the people who have told you you shouldn't try to "fix" her because you can’t, I think they've said it badly, but they have a point. You can’t "fix" her, but you can’t ignore her either.
She has to get over it herself. But she wants your support, otherwise she wouldn't be saying these things to you. She’ll probably need that soft love approach, telling her she’s beautiful,etc. but this is useless in the long term if she does nothing to try to improve.

If she’s actively trying to improve this, stick with it and support her. If she isn't, sit down and have a serious discussion about it. About how you don’t think it’s healthy for her to think this way, and how it’s making you feel that she acts like this and that you're worried about her/feel like she needs help. Either she'll realise she wants to improve this aspect of her personality and she’ll put in the effort to do so over time. Maybe it’ll be counselling, or she'll take up an exercise class to tone up and feel more comfortable with her body (I know it’ll be hard with her back problem but there’s something for everyone, I hate to sound like this guy, but yoga is great for most people! I also know this may not be the healthiest route but some people just need to be comfortable with their body before they can improve their mind) but as long as she's genuinely trying to do something to improve
Or she may do nothing. She may just keep doing what she’s doing and complain about this now and again, and let it bother her, without trying to change. Some people can’t be helped/don’t want to be helped. If this is the case, maybe she's not for you.. It’s obviously bothering you enough that you felt you had to ask for advice, and I can tell you from experience, if she does nothing about it, it will get worse with time, and it will wear you down. You'll likely find yourself in a worse mood, her negativity rubbing off on you.

You've only been together 4 months. You say you're madly in love with her, but you only know the beginning of a relationship version of her. You're probably starting to get comfortable enough with each other to talk about important things like this, you’ll begin to see what she’s really like, not just the super fun version that most people present when they start dating someone new. And you’ll soon discover whether this is someone you can deal with long term or not.

PS. Be careful how you articulate yourself when talking to her, don't make her feel like she's a project you have to "fix" - in my experience, girls like this can often take the smallest thing the completely wrong way and the whole point gets lost in a stupid argument over nothing