Boyfriend becoming distant

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks so much for reading as I would really appreciate perspective on this! It's not a big problem compared to others but still is beginning to upset me! I'm in my mid twenties and I've been in a long distance relationship for two years and it will definitely be long distance foe the next two years due to work contracts. There is no way to change that. We live in different parts of Ireland so see each other twice a month or so.

Recently my boyfriend has become quite distant. When I call him he rarely answers and takes a while to text back. I rarely expect any contact from him on nights anymore. He always says that he was too busy or that his battery died. I trust him completely and I really doubt he would cheat. This is different because he used to always send me a nice message when he was out with work or his friends.

Its a big change also because he was always very keen in the relationship and used to be great for making an effort. In fact I was the one who was unsure about getting into a long distance relationship and he encouraged it.

I decided to say it to him last week. I told him I felt as though I was alone and that we never talked anymore. He agreed that he had been busy and that he would make an effort but he also said that I was a lot needier than I used to be and that was part of it too. My friend told me to try be less available this week which I did but it kind of meant we just didn't talk at all!

The thing is he hasn't changed at all- I'm at home now and he's on a night out and not answering my calls or texts. I feel so ridiculous as I'm normally so independent. I have a good career and lovely friends but I just feel as though I might as well be single in the evenings. I find it hard to believe he's suddenly that busy- its just as though he has stopped making any effort.

In other respects he is a lovely guy and we are very similar and he tells me he sees us getting married someday and that we have a future together. That said I feel as though he is just not as into it anymore despite what he is saying?

I would really appreciate opinions. If a guy says that he wants to be with you forever but starts decreasing his attention is that a bad sign or just a normal relationship routine?
I don't plan on having another rant at him instead I am thinking of just breaking up? I don't want this to turn me into a nagging girlfriend.
Thanks

Typer Monkey

It does sound like his interest is waning OP. I've never been in a long distance relationship but have seen it advised that contact, and reliable regular contact, is essential.

You made your feelings known, he said he'd make more of an effort and yet he's done nothing to address your unhappiness. That doesn't bode well.

He did also say that you've become more needy and you've responded by sending him unanswered texts and ringing him while he's on a night out. So you haven't actually listened to each other or responded at all to what the other has said.

Maybe have one more go at resolving your issues and try to agree on a plan but if he's still ignoring you (which is what 'being distant' really is) then the relationship may just have run it's course.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

as much as you might not want to hear this, distance is a tough obstacle to face in any relationship and sadly, not everyone can cope with being far apart from their partner for extended periods of time. It does sound like your boyfriend is not happy with the status quo, backing away from the relationship somewhat.

With physical distance being a huge factor in the relationship, LTR's are at best, difficult. For some it's too much, and the relationship can become stale, and it sounds like your partner has reached this point. It seems like he's filling his time with nights out and new activities, becoming emotionally distant and less supportive in the process. That deosn't mean that he's cheating, it may just be that he no longer sees a future with the two of you together, and is letting go at his own pace. Which doesn't make him a bad person - it is more than likely a struggle for him, caught between what he still feels and what he no longer feels.

Ultimately you need to have a proper conversation with him, not just to figure out where you both are right now, but whether you see a realistic future together with each other - something you can work towards. But you should also bear in mind that you've already tried talking to him about it but nothing has changed, you're spending more time feeling sad about the relationship than feeling happy, and your boyfriend is no longer there for you when you need him to be. Perhaps your relationship has just run its course?

DukeOfTheSharp

Long distance is a pain at it's core, but it's made worse when one of the two parties starts to act differently and you don't notice even more given the fact that you rarely see them constantly.

Honestly, given how he's treating you and that whole 'needy' bit, I'd say he's just trying to deflect blame and avoid the topic of how he's acting. I've been in your spot before with and OH that started to get distant so I brought it to them and refused to back down, to the point where they had to accept their crappy behaviour and face up to being generally unfair in our relationship. Now, you've tried this, but there's no point ranting, you need to have a clear, concise talk with him about the situation, saying that you feel alone and neglected, when all you're really asking him to do is pick up a phone and do something simple - and if that's too much for him, that he should jog on. You'd be surprised how many people are just lazy, and the shock of a talk like that puts the fear crossways in them. It's not on you to control how he acts, only he can do that, and he's attempting to put it back on you as your problem - that's ridiculous, and I'd be outright insulted if anyone said that to me.

pookie82

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Long distance is a pain at it's core, but it's made worse when one of the two parties starts to act differently and you don't notice even more given the fact that you rarely see them constantly.

Honestly, given how he's treating you and that whole 'needy' bit, I'd say he's just trying to deflect blame and avoid the topic of how he's acting. I've been in your spot before with and OH that started to get distant to I brought it to them and refused to back down, to the point where they had to accept their crappy behaviour and face up to being generally unfair in our relationship. Now, you've tried this, but there's no point ranting, you need to have a clear, concise talk with him about the situation, saying that you feel alone and neglected, when all you're really asking him to do is pick up a phone and do something simple - and if that's too much for him, that he should jog on. You'd be surprised how many people are just lazy, and the shock of a talk like that puts the fear crossways in them. It's not on you to control how he acts, only he can do that, and he's attempting to put it back on you as your problem - that's ridiculous, and I'd be outright insulted if anyone said that to me.

Completely agree with this.

If anything, in long distance, the communication between meet ups is just as, if not more, important than time spent together, given that you probably communicate over the phone way more than you do in person.

So when that starts to seriously lag, it's unfair of the other person to suddenly palm you off as needy.

Maybe the trials of LD are becoming too much for him. But if that's the case, he needs to admit this, and not make you feel neglected and like you're overreacting if you try to bring it up.

A simple "it seems to me you're beginning to have less and less time for a gf if you're so busy my phone calls go unacknowledged for hours at a time. Please don't do me the disservice of pretending nothing has changed. Do you still want this or not?"

You need to be forthright, and hopefully from there he'll come clean.

LegacyUser

OP, if he's on a night out, why are you calling and texting him?
Imagine how those in his company would feel if he answered those interruptions?

retro:electro

It does sound like his interest is waining, but why are you calling him and texting him when he is on a night out? You say he's not answering my "calls and texts", how many times did you call him op?! Honestly that's not a great way to go about this, especially since he told you recently you had become increasingly needy.

Tigger99

Telling you that he wants a future with marriage is just words. His actions are telling you something very different. To be honest I'd be inclined to not contact him for a while, not to play games and see if he responds, but to think about if this is really making you happy. You expressed your concerns and you are accused of being needy. Well as someone who has been on both sides of this before, its natural to feel needy/seem needy if the other person is all of a sudden less interested.

writer_lady170

I'd be inclined to agree with the rest of you, I've just out of a long to medium relationship of 2 and half years. I do think that a long distance relationship is extremely hard and the communication is essential. In the first year of the relationship it was good, the communication was regular, almost too regular but that's another issue entirety. After the first year together things between us had changed and he was becoming more distant, in the end it mostly me making the effort and I got sick of that and broke it off with him.

I think try and have a chat with him again and have a serious chat about the future, but bear in mind you've already spoken to him about it, that's my 2c cents anyway

Best of luck:)