I don't even know where to begin..

Anon8888

Honestly, I don't even know how to start this out.. but I get the feeling it's going to be quite long, so please bear with me. These last couple weeks have been, without a doubt, the worst of my life. My husband of 5 years and I had a falling out about a year ago, I think it when things really starting to go downhill. They hadn't been all rainbows and sunshine before that, but it was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in and out of work on a medical leave due to several health issues, and he started lying and seeing another woman behind my back. When I did manage to make it to work, my shift was until midnight at a call center, so I rarely got home before 1am, which means all of his evenings were free for whatever he wanted, which mostly seemed to include cheating on me with this other woman. I even found texts of them detailing a plan for him to bring her over to our home, for her to park around the corner, etc, and a quick exit strategy for her to leg it out the back door in case I came home early. Obviously I found out eventually, and screamed at him to an extent I didn't know I was capable of, that he needed to stop seeing her immediately or that I was gone. He hardly even sorry for it and acted like I was the mum who took his toy away.

I thought it was something we could get over, but his lack of trying to make it better really took a toll. He wouldn't even talk to me about it and still, to this day, has not admitted to the extent of the affair. Then I found out a few months later that they had started texting again and talked nearly all day every day. He opened up to her about everything and anything. I had not told a soul about anything reguarding what had happened, but one day I was just talking to a friend online and it all came flowing out. Up until that point, I hadn't allowed myself to feel angry or really feel anything about it. It was finally real.

Shortly after that, I decided I couldn't do it anymore and needed to get away for a while. I planned a trip to Galway and Dublin to see some friends and be a tourist for a while. It was an amazing trip, and I got to feel what it was like to be happy again, and ultimately made the decision that I didn't think I could be in this relationship anymore. What really cinched it was when I got home, and found he had seen this woman and had her over at the house while I was gone. Not only had they had sex, they had decided that they loved each other. (All of which I confirmed from texts on his phone).

Well.. we had the difficult conversation that I didn't want to be married to him anymore, and that I knew what had happened. He eventually agreed to go stay at his parents' house for a while until we figured out what arrangements to make and next steps from there. I told him to stay away from the house for a while, and he seemed reluctant. That evening, I had a friend come home with me to make sure he wasn't still there, and found he had left his computer behind. I was dying to know what else had happened with this woman, so I turned on his computer to check his emails.

This is where it gets really bad.

Not only did I find more emails back and forth between them, but I also found some awful stuff on his hard drive. Proper bad.. as in, inappropriate photos of underage girls. I was completely taken aback and didn't know what to do. I asked the friend who was with me what she thought I should do, and she said I needed to call the cops about it. We also consulted another good friend of mine, and he said the same thing. That if it was found out another way, that I could me implicated for it as well. Finally, I called my friend who works in the legal field, and she agreed, that I needed to call the police. So, with very, very heavy heart, that's what I did. And they came, took a look, made a few calls to superiors, and took the computer into evidence. They advised the detective put in charge of the case would be calling me to let me know what the outcome was once their lab had a chance to completely scan the computer. I felt sick over the whole sitation.

Since then, my husband was not so keen to stay away from the house, and continued to badger me about when he could come back. I told him I could get him any of the stuff that he needed, and he ignored me and said he was coming to get it himself. His family is made up of some crazy people. I didn't feel safe, and with the help and advice of a few close friends, I changed the locks on the house. Well, lo and behold, while I was at work one day, he and his insane, alcoholic brother, came to the house and broke in the back door. They ransacked the place, not only taking his things, but anything of value, included several of my personal items. They also disabled the garage door and a broke a few other things in anger. He also tore up our wedding photos and broke the frame it was in. I got an angry text about needed to sit down and think about what I had done, and that he wanted his computer back. He was convinced I changed the locks to keep him away from his stuff and lord power over him, and claimed it was his brother that did the ransacking and "looting." Didn't take any responsibility for his actions, or bother to try and talk to me rationally when he discovered the locks had been changed. The past week has been a back and forth of starting to get some of my stuff back, and angry texts.

Yesterday, I got a call from the detective handling the case about the computer. He informed me that they would be calling him in for questioning this week or next, and that he would most likely be getting arrested. I was in shock. I knew it was a good possibilty, but part of me never thought that would actually happen. I'm completely in a tailspin and I don't know what to do with myself. The guilt of turning him in is completely eating away at me, and I don't know how to handle it. I've told a handful of friends for support, who continue to tell me that I did the right thing and that it isn't my fault, but I continue to feel awful. Even after he had cheated on me and betrayed my trust over and over. Like I've condemned him to death.. his life may essentially be over. I feel like I'm the one that betrayed him, and I know that's how he is going to look at it as well. And then there's the other thing of if he actually goes to prison. Real, proper prison. What will happen to the house? I can hardly afford the mortgage on my own. What about divorce at that point?

I'm not looking really for legal advice, but I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I needed to get it all down and out into the universe. It's a burden I've mostly carried on my own, save for a few trusted friends. As I can't really talk about it with many people, any kind wordd, support, or advice would be really great right about now.

sadie06

I'm never really at a loss for what to say to someone on this forum, but it shows the extremity of the situation you find yourself in. No wonder you are in a tailspin! I hope you at least feel unburdened typing it out.

Compartmentalising your marriage difficulties from reporting your husband's online activity, your main issue seems to be guilt and confusion over whether you did the right thing in turning the computer over to the police.

You most certainly did. You did not do this impulsively, or in a fit of rage. You consulted with three friends over whether or not you should make the call, and all agreed that you should. If your husband has nothing to hide and there is an explanation for the images that are on his hard drive, he can give his version when questioned.

You would feel far worse in years to come if you said nothing. You would always be wondering if his interests went further and if you should have done something.

It's great that you are talking to friends. Continue to do so. Re: separation, seek legal advice asap.

ABajaninCork

Gosh!!

I for one salute you. You've shown real guts to sack your no-good hubby off and to grass him up to the cozzers for the photos. Well done you.

But - You really have to look after yourself now. First of all - report the break-in and the damage to the Gards. You'll need a report for the insurance anyway - if they cover you. I guess your hubby can't break into his own house, and his brother was a 'guest'. But get it on record anyway.

I would also see about getting a barring order. Cover your back.

Get legal advice also.

I wish you luck, girlfriend. Stay strong!

LegacyUser

Wow OP, fair dues to you for doing the right thing in this situation.
Do NOT, repeat do NOT, dream of feeling any guilt in terms of the child-porn found on his computer! That is his crime, and the punishment from the authorities will fit that crime.
You might feel regret at turning in your husband, but imagine how much more regret you'd have felt knowing that young children either abroad or in your vicinity were at risk, and you knew but did nothing. You are - absolutely & definitely- to be commended for fulfilling your civic& moral duty here. Well done, seriously. Stay strong.

Sound Bite

You had absolutely no choice but to do what you did.

Even if you hadn't in all likelihood one of your friends would have reported it given they also knew.

Fair play.

KKkitty

OP do not feel bad at all. You're going through so much right now but please don't blame yourself for any of it. He chose to cheat, he chose to have that horrible stuff on his laptop and he wasn't there for you when you needed him to be. You didn't ask for your medical issues or anything else he's done. Your conscience should be clear and you should move on with your life starting from now.

orthsquel

I hope too, that is a weight of a burden off your shoulders!

You should listen to your friends, they are right, you did do the right thing. And you were very strong to follow through with it too.

You don't need to feel guilty about any of it. It is not your behaviour that has caused him to conduct himself in the way that he has nor is it your behaviour that is responsible for whatever the consequences of his behaviour or activity result in. It is his behaviour that is responsible for whatever consequences there are, not yours.

Sleepless and Manic

Oh my god, what an absolute nightmare.

Well, you did the right thing. Can you leave the house for now and stay with family for awhile?

Anon8888

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Oh my god, what an absolute nightmare.

Well, you did the right thing. Can you leave the house for now and stay with family for awhile?

OP here. Thanks to all for your replies so far. They are so very much appreciated.

Unfortuantely I don't have any family where I live now, and just a handful of friends. I moved away from home for a job after graduating college. I did stay with a friend last week for a few days when the break ins were happening (which I did report, but there was nothing they could do since he has the right to "break-in" to a property we own and destroy whatever he wants) but since I have pets, the kennel was costing a small fortune and I had to come home when things calmed down. But we'll see what happens when he does get called in by the detective and whether or not he gets back out

retro:electro

Anon8888 wrote: »

OP here. Thanks to all for your replies so far. They are so very much appreciated.

Unfortuantely I don't have any family where I live now, and just a handful of friends. I moved away from home for a job after graduating college. I did stay with a friend last week for a few days when the break ins were happening (which I did report, but there was nothing they could do since he has the right to "break-in" to a property we own and destroy whatever he wants) but since I have pets, the kennel was costing a small fortune and I had to come home when things calmed down. But we'll see what happens when he does get called in by the detective and whether or not he gets back out

You need to tell the guards that you fear for your safety and what he might do if they release him. It's good that you reported the break ins as this will stand to you that he can get destructive even in his own home. You need to have someone stay with you when they bring him in because if they do release him you'll want to be on guard. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't have children with this monster, for various reasons.
You 100% did the right thing.

bp

You absolutely did the right thing - if you feel guilty for telling the cops remember that you have saved some children from a continuing horrible fate - That was very brave.

Get a protection order, have friends stay and good luck

Dave!

Wow, tough times OP.

FWIW I think you've done the right thing all along, and it's good that you've reported the break ins, etc.

You need to make sure that you're safe, make sure the Gardai know everything, maybe ask a family member can they come stay with you for a while if possible.

You'll figure out the mortgage stuff. Talk to MABS about it, I'm sure there are ways and means. Staying in a relationship like that for the sake of the mortgage is not a good idea.

Look after your health too, I'm sure this is and will continue to be a stressful situation. Don't give him the benefit of beating yourself up over it and hurting yourself. It's all his fault, he brought everything on himself, he's not the victim here.

Take care

Littlekittylou

You must consider counseling after something like this.

I respect and admire your tenacity, courage and ethics. You have made a great difference and helped stopped or attempted to stop and protect young people. You are a motherfunking super hero. It's rare some one is tested like this and comes out so golden.Do you realize how amazing you are? Some people don't report.

The guilt of turning him in is completely eating away at me, and I don't know how to handle it.

So unfair. He possibly feels nothing. Unfair for you to feel guilt. You were the one who did the right thing.

You will never regret this. Society owes you a big thank you. Thank you.

Please look after you take some counseling if you need to.

Neyite

Well done op. you have done the right thing, what I would say is that now you have proof of his violence towards you when he smashed up your posessions, you can make a case to the gardai that you need a barring order for when he gets released, that next time it may be you, not your stuff. And if you can get that to apply to his family too.

You did the right thing, and that took strength. Be proud of this. He had images of child sex abuse. Gardai can determine whether files get saved deliberately or if they were downloaded accidentally. Which presumably they knew when they arrested him.

It's worth notifying your mortgage holder of current difficulties. They might be able to give you some breathing room or explore options for you.

ManOfMystery

You 1000000% did the right thing. And you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

If a friend of yours came up and asked what your thoughts were about her hooking up with a guy who was a known cheater, possibly violent, and possibly also possessing paedophile tendencies, what would your reaction be? That's who your husband has unfortunately turned out to be, so if you are feeling any unnecessary guilt whatsoever - shed it off immediately. This is all on him.

No doubt this has all come at a huge shock to you. Stay strong and good luck with everything. The best outcome you can hope for now is that he actually does get locked up, and his antics exposed to the world.

ShowMeTheCash

Go get legal advice immediately for two reasons.

1. You are looking at a divorce but have combined assets and debts this on its own is complicated and you need to protect yourself.

2. You say your husbands computer but the courts might not draw the same distinction. You obviosuly have access to the PC? You are making a nieve assumption that you may not be questioned over these pictures or that your husband does not say something like you downloaded them or you downloaded them together.
As soon as you found them and called the Gardi you should of called a solicitor this is very serious!

Taltos

OP - I know someone who went through something similar so my heart really is with you in this.

Right now you have to focus on you, it'll be all too easy right now for things to get on top of you. As soon as you can make appointments with
a) Solicitor - to protect yourself from any fallout and possibly to discuss separation/divorce. Key thing is to ensure you are protected here and not put at risk due to your husbands choices, and I mean your home as well as much as is possible. They'll also advise you what you can/should say to friends/family/colleagues/employer
b) Counsellor - counselling, initially twice weekly, then weekly and less frequently is pretty much what we consider saved the person I know. They went through an horrific time with nightmares, panic attacks, self doubt - all added to by the lies of her husband. He even convinced her GP that she needed a scan for a brain tumour... It took time but this safe outlet helped her deal with her demons to a large degree.

Whatever else though - never ever for a second blame yourself for any of this.
You made the only right call you could make.
You are not responsible for the actions of others, only your own.

But do get some advice asap on what you need to do to protect yourself and if you haven't already reported the break in do so immediately.

Faith

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

2. You say your husbands computer but the courts might not draw the same distinction. You obviosuly have access to the PC? You are making a nieve assumption that you may not be questioned over these pictures or that your husband does not say something like you downloaded them or you downloaded them together.
As soon as you found them and called the Gardi you should of called a solicitor this is very serious!

I second this 100%. I worked in the general area of sexual offenders before, and I've watched them blatantly blame their wives, children, husbands, friends for downloading the images - anyone but themselves. Make no mistake, your husband will not accept the blame for this easily and will go to unimaginable lengths to absolve himself of any blame. Get a good solicitor ASAP, even if it's just in case!

Also, to add to what everyone else said, you definitely did the right thing. You did something that must have been really difficult for you, so well done! Your husband is unfortunately a truly nasty piece of work. Not only is he a blatant and unrepentant cheater, he's possibly a sexual offender. I know your head must be absolutely spinning, but it's just as well that you've found out and left him before any children were involved. Look after yourself, OP. I'd strongly suggest going to see a counsellor too, because you're really being put through the wringer.

Anon8888

OP here. Thanks to everyone so far for your support, advice, and concern. It feels a bit better to get it off my chest, I suppose. It's been extremely scary to say the least. He's just not someone you'd expect for any of this.. he's always been a seemlingly normal, laid back, nice guy. He's not the man I thought I married, and I'm also dealing with that heartbreak as well.

A few things.. I defo reported the break-in as soon as I discovered it. They have the incident on file and linked to the computer case.

I'm also not naive enough to think he won't try to blame me - I'm sure that he will. I've talked to the detective about how he's threatened me in that if I ever turned the computer in, he'd try and drag me down with him. That was one thing that almost kept me from turning it over in the first place, that I'd be to blame too. Not that the detective necessarily has *my* best interests at heart, but he's well aware that most people in this situation will try and blame their partner or whomever else they can do get out of it. I have gotten legal advice, and I can hire someone if it comes down to it, but at this point we'll see what he says when he's interviewed by the detective. Due to a number of factors, one being the fact that I was the one that turned it over, and the other being dates/timestamps on different things during my work hours or while I was on holiday, it's improbable (but no, not impossible) that I would also get in trouble. But please trust me when I say that I'm defo plenty worried about that possibility, however improbable it might be.

I've not saught out a counsellor/therapist at this point. I'm honestly really not a fan of them. I'm a fairly private person unless I'm very close with someone, and the last therapist I tried to see didn't work out because I couldn't trust this stranger with personal information about me, thus there wasn't much they could do to help me. Maybe I will see one in the near future, as I do take everyone's advice seriously.. I would tell a friend in my situation the exact same thing.

I'm trying to take care of myself the best I can but it's not honestly something I've really given much thought. I just don't think I'm all that special/important? I dunno. I've just always been more concerned with taking care of others.