Bad Engagement

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and I have a close female friend, who's currently living in another city to me.
She's been going out with a guy for just over a year, and within six months of going out they were engaged, and are due to be married in 2 months.

My concern is that everything she says about him and their relationship raises red flags. For one thing, he's forbidden her from seeing me, because he's afraid something will happen between us. The other thing is that he apparently gets angry and blows up at her over trivial issues.

The crazy thing is that she doesn't even seem to love this guy very much. When I ask her if she's sure she's happy with getting married so soon, her answer is always along the lines of "I really want to get married and have kids, and this might be my only chance." She's in her 20's by the way.

So anyway, I don't know what to do. She's clearly, as far as I can see, making a huge mistake in marrying this guy. And I'm really concerned that things could turn nasty with this guy. He already sounds controlling and jealous, with anger issues. I've tried to get her to really look at this from an outsiders perspective, but she just gets agitated and stressed. Is there anything more I can do, besides standing by and letting her make her own mistakes?

lifeandtimes

irwinirwin wrote: »

I'm a guy and I have a close female friend, who's currently living in another city to me.
She's been going out with a guy for just over a year, and within six months of going out they were engaged, and are due to be married in 2 months.

My concern is that everything she says about him and their relationship raises red flags. For one thing, he's forbidden her from seeing me, because he's afraid something will happen between us. The other thing is that he apparently gets angry and blows up at her over trivial issues.

The crazy thing is that she doesn't even seem to love this guy very much. When I ask her if she's sure she's happy with getting married so soon, her answer is always along the lines of "I really want to get married and have kids, and this might be my only chance." She's in her 20's by the way.

So anyway, I don't know what to do. She's clearly, as far as I can see, making a huge mistake in marrying this guy. And I'm really concerned that things could turn nasty with this guy. He already sounds controlling and jealous, with anger issues. I've tried to get her to really look at this from an outsiders perspective, but she just gets agitated and stressed. Is there anything more I can do, besides standing by and letting her make her own mistakes?

Sounds to me like you might have a bit of jealousy regarding this situation? Are you the one who wants to be with her instead?

Unfortunately no matter how much you care about this girl it's her decision who she wants to be with and marry,she's an adult and can make her own choices...you can voice your concerns but be prepared for an answer you might not like

XxMCRxBabyxX

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Sounds to me like you might have a bit of jealousy regarding this situation? Are you the one who wants to be with her instead?

Unfortunately no matter how much you care about this girl it's her decision who she wants to be with and marry,she's an adult and can make her own choices...you can voice your concerns but be prepared for an answer you might not like

I'm not sure that that's fair. Would you say that if the OP was female?

This second part is right though OP. That's only so much that you can do. If she wants to get married, for whatever reasons that she says, you have to let her. It's clear that you're concerned but from what you've said, you've already expressed that to her, so all you can do now is be there for her and support her when she needs it.

Tokyo

irwinirwin wrote: »

I've tried to get her to really look at this from an outsiders perspective, but she just gets agitated and stressed. Is there anything more I can do, besides standing by and letting her make her own mistakes?

You've expressed your concerns - after that there isn't much more you can do. It's her life to live at the end of the day, mistakes and all. All you can do after that is be supportive, and be there for her if things don't work out, as you fear.

Blue Iris

I think you're right to express your concerns to your friend. She is very committed to her decision so it will be very hard to get through to her.

I would focus on using examples to illustrate to her how decisions we make now can have very long term consequences. Think of something you decided yourself in the past that had negative consequences you never considered at the time or pick a bad decision a friend or family member made.

Finally I would say that the best gift any woman can give their future children is to pick the best father they can for them. Ask her if she thinks he's the kind of person who would totally be there for his kids? Would he get up to them during the night? Etc. If she answers yes to this then I think you will have to accept her decision but at least you will have done your best to be a good friend.

Mr. Remote Control

I'm gonna be honest. I think you're in love with her. I don't know if you know that or not, but I think that. Have you even met this supposed monster?

I can't help but think if I was getting married to - and dedicating my life to somebody, that I would want them hanging around with unknown-to-me males. Why would I be cool with that? Does this really make a bad person? I certainly hope not. I think if you wanna be friends with her you should be meeting him. If you value your friendship so much, surely you can accept the person she chooses to be with. Can't you all be friends?

Again, I go back to reality, I just can't imagine if I was him, I would want to be hanging around with my wife AND yourself. Unless of course we all clicked and you were the best of craic! That would be different. Or if I knew you didn't pose a threat to my marraige, my happiness and generally my life - but if I don't know you, how can I tell?

Hey, maybe you're dead right! I don't know. Maybe she isn't sure, maybe he is a bastard. But maybe he's not. Maybe he's sound. Maybe HE'S in love. Maybe she exaggerates to you. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe you are right.

If you do love her, why don't you just tell her that. Maybe she feels the same. Perhaps she doesn't. Perhaps she does. Perhaps I am talking sh*t.

Who knows?

He doesn't sound particularly like a monster to me. I know you've said he "sounds controlling and jealous, with anger issues." but you only know what he SOUNDS like.

If YOU were in love with somebody (else ) and wanted to spend your life with them, would you be really happy with them being friends with an unknown male? What is friends anyway?


And all you ladies out there!

Oh oh oh!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh!

Would you really be cool with your husband, now think about this for a minute! Would you really be cool with your husband hanging out with or texting some other woman that you didn't know? Really?

That's not to men and women can't be friends - OF COURSE THEY CAN!! But I go back to, what is friends anyway?

This is just my opinion. At this moment in time. All situations and people are different.

GAAman

Will just speak of my own experience. I basically was you op, a friend of mine got involved with a super controlling guy and despite my warnings dove headfirst into a relationship and quick marriage.

We talked less and less and then one day she deleted me from facebook without warning or a message and blocked me. Turned out he did it, with every fella that was on her facebook, and had her controlled to a T believing everyone had deleted her! He destroyed any self confidence she had and made her believe she was an inch tall.

Long story short, she got wise to his crap and sent him packing. We have reconnected but to be honest it isn't the same.

Best of luck with it anyway

ShaShaBear

If you haven't met this dude and you haven't seen your friend in a year (presumably since he's banned you from seeing her), then how do you know that ANY of what she has told you is true?

I'm thinking she suspects (rightly or wrongly) that you have feelings for her. In order to avoid her actually having to deal with you and possibly be put in a situation where she might have to rebuke your advance and lose you altogether, she has lied and said that she doesn't have permission to visit you and suggesting it would be at the cost of her relationship. So dealing with you only on an electronic level means she gets to keep you in her life while making sure she can keep you at arms length when it suits her.

As for suggesting that she's marrying him for the sake of it, she might be trying to spare your feelings. A lot of women, myself included, are guilty of "playing down" their current partners to men they have a history with. We don't really like to gush approvingly - it only really sounds appropriate to other women.

Wedding planning, especially in a short space of time, CAN be extremely hard on a couple (just like a new baby), if they are still going ahead and going strong, I'd be reluctant to think it's just because he is a control freak who barks orders at her (a family member would have stepped in by now).

tinkerbell

ShaShaBear wrote: »

As for suggesting that she's marrying him for the sake of it, she might be trying to spare your feelings. A lot of women, myself included, are guilty of "playing down" their current partners to men they have a history with. We don't really like to gush approvingly - it only really sounds appropriate to other women.

I completely disagree with this and think it's a huge generalisation on women. I would assume that it's more a minority than "a lot" would play down their partners to someone they have a history with. I find that really bizarre tbh. I wouldn't play down my husband if I ran into an ex boyfriend. He's my husband, I've moved on - why would you play down your partner just to massage the ego of someone you no longer care for? It's nothing to do with "gushing approvingly", it's about being respectful towards your current partner.

OP, all you can do is just be there for her as a friend. Talk to her and just ask her what the story is. I assume you don't have feelings for her? Or do you? Maybe she does love him or maybe she just thinks time is running out for her (although why she thinks that as she's only in her 20s is bizarre). Tell her you're just concerned because it seems like she doesn't have many nice things to say about him and you're worried for her. That's all you can do I'm afraid.