Worried about my marriage

LegacyUser

We've been married 25yrs & have older teen children. A year ago my husband lost his job & hasn't been able to find work since & certainly not in his field although he had a couple of interviews they weren't successful. We are now in huge debt & will soon lose our home. Our sons at uni are struggling as we can no longer help them. We have had no life during this time. His friend has mentioned many times about helping to set him up with selling (something/anything) on-line just to try & get some money coming in but it never happens & he says things like " needs time " etc.

Anyway, my biggest worry is over this last year he has become more & more religious. We both have Catholic families but neither of us bothered with it much if atall. He would occasionally go to mass but not often. Now it is constant, every day & in the evenings it's prayer group meetings, planning religious events, setting up religious programmes. When he's at home he's on his lap top discussing these matters & reading up on religion, he has stacks of books beside his chair, files of paperwork - all related to religion, he reads the Old Testament as his night side book. I've tried to discuss why is he doing this & he says his faith is important to him, he enjoys it etc. When he comes home from these meetings he's almost "high" from them. He did have a relative who went the same way & everyone (him included) used to think he had gone bonkers but now he's the same. His relative has no family so not quite the same effect.

What I find so difficult, along with this sudden change about a year now & getting worse, is that if he had spent a quarter of the time he spends with the church he could have set up something that may have bought some money into our home. This religion is taking over his time, energy & thoughts. Whenever I mention our dire financial situation & the (very) likelihood of losing our home he just tells me not to worry it will get better, but it's not, it's getting worse. Also it's really effecting our marriage, he's not the person I knew, which was always a good husband & family man, now it's like a stranger who has switched off from us & religion has become his life. I told him I didn't think the amount of time he was spending with these people was normal, that I want some normality back he suggested I join the religious groups & help out with the Holy Communion preparations. I couldn't give a toss about any of that, we are losing our home, our children are worried sick & so am I. I don't know how he can go there every day & care when his own family is falling apart.

What on earth can I do. Plus he thinks how can I want to put a stop to something that is "good" that he's not out drinking or having affairs, but it feels just as bad to me.

LegacyUser

I am so sorry to read your story, I don't really know if i have anything practical to offer, but I thought if I replied, at least you would feel heard.

Can you approach the church leader (priest) explain your problems?
He (she) might than be able to direct your husband to dividing his time more realistically between home and family.

I am religious, it sustains me, but i always have been.
Some people tend to turn to God when things get hard.
What your husband has done is not turning to God. It is filling a vacum of his feeling of failure on loosing his job. He has fixated on it, like some sort of addiction.

Would a reality check of packing up the house... get him to break out of his bubble?

Like I said not much help, but i did read, take care.

MrWalsh

It sounds like he needs a doctor. Ive no idea of the correct medical term but its like he has had a mental breakdown and his coping mechanism is to become obsessed with religion. Its irrelevant that the religion is Catholicism, its the same as a cult the way he is behaving. He is using it to ignore his real problems. His mind is not his own.

Do you work? Can you support yourself independently?

Akrasia

Its a difficult situation. It seems like he's filling the work gap with religion. Perhaps instead of waiting for your friend to come through with this sales job,your husband could go back to education?

If he retrained he would have something to occupy his mind, a purpose to work towards and afterwards he might have better employment prospects and perhaps a bargaining chip with the bank regarding your home.

Maybe you could consider something similar? Now that your kids are almost grown up there must be something you've always wanted to do but never had the chance?

LegacyUser

I am very grateful for your replies. I've managed to have a half normal talk with him, at first he thinks I'm trying to destroy what he has but I've explained it's pure concern that I'm deeply worried about him. He insists he's fine (which is clearly not the case) & if he was in work he wouldn't have so much time for all this prayer, true of course. I'm hoping he can at least see that it's something you can't let get out of control, though I'm not convinced he can see any problem, but maybe there's a chance a little of what I said will sink in. It's actually quite scary on top of the worry, he's always been such a logical and rational person and certainly never to extreme over anything just a good honest hard working family man. I have no idea how this will develop and I guess a lot will depend on finding a job sooner rather than later, if not I dread to think how it might progress. I think I needed to write this down as I was so worried. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

bee06

I think the poster who suggesting talking to his priest/spiritual leader and getting help is a good idea. Maybe he/she can help your husband understand that it doesn't need to be one or the other. That you can have a balance between being religious and dealing with the tough financial situation that you are in.

Shrap

mytwopence wrote: »

What your husband has done is not turning to God. It is filling a vacum of his feeling of failure on loosing his job. He has fixated on it, like some sort of addiction.

I like this part out of this post. Genuinely sounds like the head in the sand ostrich syndrome, in that someone who effectively blanks a problem by "having faith" it'll all get better in the end frequently spends more time topping up on this faith than addressing the actual problem. It wouldn't have to be religion at all - in a lot of cases I've seen it's come down to the person dropping pragmatic friends in favour of the ones who agree with them and support this "having faith it'll all get better" nonsense.

I wish I had advice for you on what sort of next step you can take when you're under so much pressure financially OP. At the moment, you and your adult kids are on your own to try and help yourselves, and perhaps a meeting with a Social Welfare case officer wouldn't go astray, to at least put your cards out on the table and try to come up with a plan for either you going back to education (support available) or straight into the work-force?

Also, from what I've heard about people in danger of losing their home, the topmost important thing is to keep an open line of communication with the relevant financial institution and to look for help with this from MABS, etc. If your husband is in such limbo at the moment, it falls to you to try and get your head around where you stand and to make a plan. I wish you all the best with how it pans out for you OP.....

December2012

Firstly
- Have you spoken with MABS? Are you getting financial advice?

- Are you looking for work?

It seems like right now you will have to do the things you are complaining that your husband does not do. You'll jabe to take charge and steer this ship.

Secondly, he has all this stuff to do because he has time. He cannot spend all his time "dealing" with the problem. I agree that he should be actively looking for work.

Maybe you could help him with that -get him to see recruiters, community welfare officers to see about training, Solus. Of course he has to deal with the legalities and financials. But he is allowed a hobby. And he is allowed to be religious.

Keep him busy, even with jobs around the house or free fun things for both of you to do.

IlmoNT4

He probably cant face the difficult situation....in the land of religion, everything is mostly happy clappy, pray to God and everything comes out all right. Its a comfort to some people to imagine there is someone watching over them.... I think he cant cope with what has happened and the religious stuff is a place to go where he is accepted and told that hes loved and all that stuff religion people go on with.

I think sadly, its going to be down to you to try and save your home. I dont think he can see reality and he doesnt want to see that. I'd try and take him to the doctor

Could you work?
Have you engaged with your bank re mortgage?
If your children are at university then their old enough that you can talk to them about whats going on, dont keep them in the dark.
Do you have family to help you out?
Can you sell your home and move some where smaller?
Vincent de pauls can help out with emergency food etc
Have to talked to your service providers like the ESB etc about a payment plan?
Do you have any pension that you could tap into now?
Any insurance policies?
Have you talked to the social welfare about what they might be able to do for you?
Could you rent out your house and move into a rented accommodation?

orthsquel

I have to agree with all the advice already given.... I think it's time that if you haven't gone to family and friends and have instead dealt with this alone, now is very much the time that you talk openly about what is going on with family and friends, for your own sanity and so that you are not alone in dealing with this.
I'd see his behaviour as harmful; it's not just re-discovering religion, it is beyond burying the head in the sand, it is to the point of a form of self-medication as a reaction to a situation that is outside of his control and no different to drinking all the time of taking drugs, because he is abandoning his responsibilities and obligations in favour of immersing himself in this, this, crutch or addiction. It's not uncommon for anyone retired or unemployed to be at a sudden loose end looking for ways to pass the day and some people can really struggle with that; others can do the whole social groups, volunteering, getting out and about and still progress in coping with their situation and move on all the while having a healthy balance.
Tbh I'm not sure what to advise, or what you should do, I don't really know what would be healthy, helpful or harmful in this situation because in many ways I don't see what you can do; like you can't really help someone see there is a problem if they don't want to see it and make changes, like it is with alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, because it's them that has to realise it's a problem and want to change it and I don't see how that same realisation can be achieved when it's not drugs but something else but still within a harmful and addictive or obsessive behaviour. Perhaps the only few ways out is that him taking back control in his life that an immersion in religion gives him that being made unemployed took away. In the end even getting him interested in a course might be difficult because he might have feelings of fear of being a failure or not getting a job at the end of it or being fearful of even going on a course or dreading starting it and might push him further into his religion.
With that said, perhaps it would be no harm to contact support groups related to addiction and see if they have any advice.
In the meantime I think that you should most certainly open up to family and friends, ask for their help in coping with not just your husband, but with general support in dealing with your mortgage even in just going with you to MABs or contacting whoever you have the mortgage with, just so that you have support while dealing with all of that.

LegacyUser

Find out which priest he thinks most highly of, and have a chat. I know a lot of priests, and they'd all be very concerned at any group taking away from family time or home responsibilities. Becoming an escape away from the real world. Thats the exact opposite of how priests see things - they see the the home/family as absolutely central.

A priest might not actually tell him to cool it - thats not really what they do these days. But he very well might hint that a family needs the full integration of all members in difficult times, something like that.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your time and comments, they are very much appreciated. I hope I didn't come across as anti religion as I'm not and I respect all religions and everyone's right to practice it, but this level, especially as it came about during a time of great stress, was not normal to me, it felt like bordering on the madness. We have talked about it and it's because I don't want to ever tell him what he can or can't do that I've held back but I felt the time had come to make him stop and look. He says he's fine with it, that he enjoys his faith and likes to put something back into the community ie the work he was doing with parents of Holy Communion & Confirmation children. BUT I believe it has dawned on him that perhaps it was getting too much. What started off a little just seemed to snowball into full on.
I mentioned we had a relative who became very fanatical some years ago (& still is) This man was a multi millionaire with global businesses but lost everything in a couple of really bad investments, it destroyed his family, he lost everything & went completely religious to the point he can think nor speak of anything else. When my husband lost his job it was him who got his involvement with the Church started. I'm not blaming him, my husband is an adult, but it didn't help. I reminded my husband how he felt when this relative first became extreme (which was shock & concern) & that is how I am now feeling.
It's strange how the line from being religious to fanatical is almost invisible, there's no set day or time you can quite put your finger on & I'm beginning to see how this can happen because (normally) by the time it's there full on the process is already complete. He has reassured me that he is no where near where this relative is & never will be (hopefully). Yesterday he didn't go to mass/meetings, he hasn't stopped but he definitely needed to take a breather & today he is spending the day with his friend working on a business plan. There's obviously a ton of other problems to sort & I feel we can start working on them without the prayer books getting in the way. His brother has stepped in to cover our home for a couple of months, he is wealthy but that's not the point, no one likes having to take help but it does give a little thinking space.
Thank you all.