Inappropriate contect on daughters phone

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a regular poster on Boards but going anon for this.

So long story short, I'm a separated father of a thirteen year old daughter who for the most part is a model daughter; very active, reasonably mature for her age, kind and well mannered.

She's had a mobile phone for the last four or so years, it was always a basic call and text job, last September when my ex upgraded her phone she passed an iPhone to my daughter. No with whatsapp, snapchat etc my daughter was able to keep in touch a lot more with her friends. My ex had said that she would keep an eye on what my daughter was doing on it and when ever my daughter was with me I'd watch over her shoulder to see what she was up to.

On Monday evening my she managed to drop her phone and crack the screen, so I picked it up from her today when I collected her from school. Figuring this would be a really good time for me to go through everything on the phone I told her she'd have to disable the passcode so they could replace the screen. i dropped her home a bit after dinner and when I got back started to go though it. The first thing that struck me was there were very few message's on the phone in any of the messaging app's, some of the app's had chats with friends but when you clicked on them the messages were all gone- obviously she didn't want me reading them.
The real kicker was when I checked her photos' there were the usual bunch of selfies of herself and her friends. But a massive amount of photos showing in the deleted folder (iPhone's now have a folder to store deleted photos for thirty days, presumably in case you accidentally delete the wrong photo), in the deleted folder there were again the usual mix of selfies and photos of friends, also screen shots taken from messaging apps, some random chat and others about relationships, the real child stuff "Will you go out with my friend" and a few where she was going out with someone. There were also screen shot's from "kik" messenger, from some guy who looked a few years older, showing her his meat and two veg, thankfully her reply was to "f*&k off".
Then I came across a number of photo's of her chest either in her underwear and a few without the underwear, followed by a "crotch shot" for want of a better word.

I had to travel to Limerick for something tomorrow but I've cancelled that so I can call up to my ex and talk to her about it. Now myself and my ex have at best a rocky relationship these days, we split five years ago and depending on what way the wind is blowing on a particular day we might get on or might not. TBH I don't care about but obviously it's better that we are on the same level with this and I don't see why we wouldn't be.
Then comes the really dreaded conversation with my daughter and to be brutally honest I've no idea of how to handle that.

I'm sorry this is half a rant and half asking for advice on this, but if anyone has any advice on how to approach this I'd love to hear from you.

Depraved

Don't tell her about the 'trash' folder, but do tell her that you are able to tell what photo's she has been taking and what conversations she has been having. (not knowing how you know will dissuade her in future.)

I would not go down the punishment route. If you do, it will only make her more secretive in the future. View this as an opportunity to teach rather than punish.

Sit her down, explain that you know what was on her phone, and make sure she understands that once shared, those pictures will remain on the internet forever and will be visible by anyone, including very dangerous people who could try to track her down and hurt her.

Also talk about peer pressure, especially from boys who might be encouraging her.

Get her to agree that you will be checking her phone daily until she has regained your trust and that if any more unsuitable messages/photo's are found that she will lose the phone until she is 16. Explain how deeply disappointed you are in her (emotional blackmail is a bit cruel but hopefully will protect her).

bp

Agree with the above, especially about the pressure on young people. Could she be forced to do this? Discuss bullying, self respect and maybe consider down grading the phone for a while.

As well as those photos being around for ever now (really focus on that in a general way), if either party is above the age of consent and the other isn't that *may count as child porn

How to ask this....are you sure it's her chest?

mada82

I'm not a parent so I won't advise on that part.

Regarding the pictures, why not say the phone shop found the pictures and you had to explain yourself to a guard for potential child porn.

DoYouEvenLift

mada82 wrote: »

I'm not a parent so I won't advise on that part.

Regarding the pictures, why not say the phone shop found the pictures and you had to explain yourself to a guard for potential child porn.

This may seem extreme but, when you think about it, a very strong solution. Explain how it's not okay to take photos like that until she's old enough to make her own choices as a mature adult. It'd probably scare her enough to not do it again while underage.

MarkR

There was a very good public service video, which I can't seem to find for the life of me. Showed two cartoon kids sending pics for a laugh, one recipient screenshots it, then everyone, including the bus driver, nan etc set his bits.

Anyone think they have a link to that?

jopax

Sorry to hear about your predicament, my daughters aren't teenagers yet so I don't have personal experience of this age.

However I would agree with the other poster on saying that the phone shop highlighted the issues/dangers of these photos on your daughters phone.

I would not tell her you were snooping on her phone, although she was clever enough to delete certain photos.

Also in the future she is only 13 so you do have a choice in what kind of phone she has, as another poster said could you downgrade it.

If possible it would be good to both of yee could confront her together on this.

I would be very strict on her after this, you can show your concern for her welfare obviously but also she is still a child and has to tow the line.

I wish you all the best with this difficult situation.

On the positive you have discovered them so you can deal with it now.

Also well done on being vigilant.

iguana

She may have just taken the photos for her own exploration and titillation. I imagine most teenagers would take 'naughty' pictures of themselves with no intention of anyone else ever seeing them. Just because they were on a communication device may mean nothing more than the fact that the same device is also her camera. I think you need to tread very carefully here, while it's obviously important that she fully understands the full implication of sending the pictures, sending them to anyone may well be the furthest thing from her mind. She did delete them after all and perhaps that was something she was always planning on doing regardless of giving you her phone. This could be nothing more than her own private way of coming to terms with her own body and coming on strong with a heavy handed lecture alongside the knowledge that her father has seen those photos could have long lasting consequences in terms of her relationship to her body and her burgeoning sexuality.

If this had been an entirely private act, ie if you walked in on her masturbating and she didn't notice, what would you do? Personally I'd make a quick exit and never let my child know I'd seen him because it would be a trauma I'd rather spare him. In a case where he had photos of himself on a phone/computer I'd obviously have to say something but I'd find a way to do it with minimum embarrassment for him. Maybe do something like watch the recent C4 drama Cyberbully together, which while being OTT, would give you a good opening to discuss the potential consequences of having private photos on a phone/computer due to the awfulness that would follow if they were passed around and how easily such photos could be accessed by someone untrustworthy.

volchitsa

The photos of herself - is there any way to know if she sent them to someone?

I'd worry most about inappropriate contact with someone else, so if I were her mother's (or father in your case, but I'm sure her mother will be just as worried) I'd want to be sure the texts/photos of the man you mentioned weren't linked to the photos she took of herself, but if they aren't, then isn't it possible she simply wanted to know what her genitals looked like? It's pretty normal to be obsessed with that sort of thing at that age, and girls can't just look in a mirror the way boys can.

Not quite sure whether the pics of her chest would fit into the "self-exploration" scenario though. And it's never a good idea to have these photos in a phone which can be lost or stolen anyway.

So I'd want to have a talk with her - but be very careful about the risk of damaging the relationship so she feels she can't talk to you at all. I definitely wouldn't punish her for it - either she'll feel you've immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion because you think the worst of her (if you're wrong) and even if you're right, unless she is already feeling overwhelmed by what's happened she will almost certainly take it as personal intrusion.

You need her to know that you're worried about her, not that you're angry at her.
IMO - but as someone with young adult children who's been through various issues, so I do have an idea of what it feels like for you!

And best of luck with dealing with things - but it does get better, honestly!

LegacyUser

I remember getting into trouble for similar, I was slightly older though. Make sure she knows that anything that goes online or that she sends to someone will be around forever. she will probably be embarassed abput you finding out which will put her off doing it again too.
Make sure she knows the dangers and that your dissappointed, just dont be too hard on her, i was grounded/pc and phone taken but nearly everytime i got them back i done the same thing.

slinky2000

Remember any pictures taken with a smart phone has the gps locations stored in it by default so it means anyone who receives the photo knows where it was taken.

So it could lead someone to her house.