Decision Time

LegacyUser

Never thought i'd be ever posting here but then again we all go through some **** at some stage.
Suppose I'm looking for some advice or hopefully someones who's been in a similar situation
My gf is a binge alcholic and has been progressively getting worse.Shes been hospitalised three times this year,
Due to the affects its had on her.Her tolerance is now zero.

She is a danger to both herself and those around her.Shes going to ongoing therapy but we've had a few sober weeks but then usally weeknights there'll be a problem.Shes had to take two weeks off from work already because of the problem.She doesnt drink at home anymore but she could fall in the door and swear blind she hasnt been drinking.
(Same thing again tonight)

Weve been together nearly 10 years and every promise she say I'll stop ,this lasts a few weeks.Love her to bits and was thinking of getting engaged this year hoping things were changing but Im just worn out with it.

Staring out the window waiting at 3:00am midweek and then staying awake so she doesnt aspirate is not something I thought id be doing in my late 30's.
She be a flood of tears for a day or two and be so remorsefull but i've seen it dozens of times before.
Really wondering whether im enabling her.
Would breaking up actually solve anything,really at a crossroads
weve talked numerous times,ive gone to her therapy with her but dont seem to be getting anywhere.

Sorry for the long post,needed to get it off my chest.
Maybe someone has been in a similar position.

LegacyUser

I have a lot of experience living with people with alcohol issues, I admire for your honesty and that takes courage, also you really care about your partner. It looks like a clear pattern has been well established here, like its getting progressively worse, especially if hospitalisation is required and no change. Sad thing to admit is that some never change and even with treatment and or thearapy there are no guarantees, the question you need to ask yourself is " am I willing to live my life like this?" I can only speak from my own experience and the constant disappointments and let downs and broken promises nearly destroyed me, it takes its toll on the concerned person or the partner, I walked away and went back several times, but in the end I could take no more, it is an illness that is progressive and denial is a symptom. Good luck to you, there is a good life out there for you, and remember you deserve the best

MrWalsh

I think you probably are enabling her. I say this because if you were a single guy and you met a nice girl and immediately she behaved this way - you wouldnt tolerate it, you wouldnt get into a relationship with her. Youre tolerating it because you fell in love with her - so now there is broken promise after broken promise, denial and unacceptable behaviour - but you are still there. Nothing changes in your behaviour - so whats the impetus for her to change hers? She knows she can carry on as is and you are still there. So for that reason - you are enabling her.

As things stand her health is at risk and so is yours - and both of your mental healths also.

The difficult solution - for you - is to detach with love. Tell her that this is it, line in the sand time. You need to walk away and let her decide what she wants to do. If she decides to get clean and stay clean, then you can decide to have a relationship with her again at some point in the future. She needs to do it for herself, so you deciding to stay or go cant be based on her deciding to be clean or not today - the best thing is to let her at it and then in 6 months, or a year or whatever, decide if there is anything for ye. It sounds horrible and difficult but its actually the best thing you can do for her.

Think about this. It doesnt cure her - but thats not in your power to do - its only in hers. But it does give one of you a healthier life and it gives the other a chance to really decide what she wants. Because the cycle she is in at the moment ironically isnt bad enough for her to really decide to resolve things.

Some of them never resolve their demons, my father died an alcoholic and destroyed everyone and everything around him, my mother died because of him and his kids were damaged badly from it all. Think about what you want for yourself for the future.

And go to Alanon if you are not already.

santana75

One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that you cant change anyone. Op you sound like a good guy whos gone above and beyond the call of duty on this one but you have to look after your own happiness. Youve done all you can and more so it is time to walk away. Who knows maybe that'll make her wake up and confront her problem? But you have to take care of yourself, life is too short to spend with someone whos determined to destroy themselves.