New GF more sexually 'advanced' than me

LegacyUser

I met a girl about 3 or 4 months ago after being single for over a year. We hit it off and inevitably had sex and everything was cool.

After a few times, one night she started talking dirty to me. I was ok with this and have done it once or twice with previous partners but never to her level.

She likes to be called filthy names and tells me how filthy she is and how she is just there for me to do whatever I want to her, whenever I want. This doesn't happen every single time and I've found that she leaves it up to me to start it off and then she will keep it going. Recently on the way home from a night out she told me she was so horny that she wanted to have sex in the nearby bushes so we did because I was drunk and I didn't want to seem like a prude. But I didn't really enjoy it.

We've talked about many different sexual things, and she has done them all. She told me that she is submissive and to be honest I had to google what this exactly meant in terms of a sexual relationship.

I know some guys would welcome this into their lives, I wonder am I truly a prude or should I just be more open minded? My last relationship was a 'lights off - under the covers' kind of thing and I didn't enjoy that. I always felt like I wanted someone that was more adventurous but my new GF is the complete other end of the spectrum.

She is very loving and cuddly at all other times and all in all we do have a great relationship but I just wanted some advice as this is not the kind of thing I want my male friends knowing or having mental images of!

While I do enjoy the sex, I don't really know what to say sometimes and feel like I'm repeating myself. Also, I wonder if this is a girl I can trust? I probably sound insecure or old fashioned but the names she calls herself are ones we, growing up, would call girls that sleep around at the drop of a hat.

I love this girl, but this is all quite new to me and I would like to read the opinions of people who like or don't like this and why? I trust her but we're only going out a few months so my impressions of girls that are labelled, what she likes to label herself, is that they can't be trusted. I hope I don't sound like a twat. Thanks!

LegacyUser

Ok well first off, you are being insecure. Your girlfriends kinkiness has nothing to do with how faithful she is. End of story.
With regards to everything else the simple answer is talk to her. Don't have sex you don't enjoy, it's not healthy. Tell her if something is too much and talk about your boundries. You're not a prude, you just have different tastes.

nc19

It's only a bit of fun in the throws of sex!!!

I'm sure if you called her some of those names outside of a sexual situation she wouldn't be too happy. Just go with it and be creative!!!

baby and crumble

Lots of people (a lot more than you might suspect) like quite adventurous sex. So long as it's all done safely and possibly within a solid and functioning relationship then it's fine- it's just a like she has, like preferring wine to beer etc. it's just preference. But it has to be two way- if you're really not enjoying something sexual then you shouldn't have to do it. Nobody should feel pressured to do anything, but you should try and be open to new things. Just because she's been with other people it doesn't mean she doesn't respect herself or doesn't expect respect from you. A good sub/Dom relationship is built on trust and honesty.

Tigger99

I can understand why the bushes sex would feel very full on. I think you need to be able to say to her that it's a bit much for you. As for the names, i can completely see why it might feel weird but she must trust you a lot to feel that comfortable with you. But then again if it's too much, you have to say it to her.
I really don't think her wanting you to call her those names is any indication of her behaviour with cheating etc.

Queen-Mise

I'm not sure if advanced would be the correct word to use - she knows who and what she likes.

Could you say that she you to be her dom, without finding out if you are comfortable in that role?

As others said - talk, find out exactly what the limits are (as another poster said, what she likes being said in sex, would be very different in reality), you need to tell her what you are and are not comfortable with.

There is the potential for a good relationship - go with it. Although admittedly the first time you encounter it is daunting. Very different to stumbling through the early stages of a relationship. :rolleyes:

beks101

Yeah I don't think this is an experience thing necessarily, it sounds more like a preferences thing and perhaps her confidence being a bit better than yours between the sheets. I can understand why yours hasn't developed quite as much if sex was a bit of an unmentionable in your last relationship.

You need to have a conversation about your mutual turn-ons. Crack open the wine some night and get the chat flowing - "so obviously you're into dirty talk. What else turns you on? I really like to / really like it when you / get so horny when you..." etc etc.

Great sex is about being open-minded and at the same time, asserting your boundaries. It can be a tough balance to strike, but the only way you do it is through communication. NOT by going along with something you're not into because you don't want to come across as a prude.

If you're not into outdoor sex or dirty talk, TELL HER. If it was me, there'd be no greater turn-off than my partner really not being into something but doing it anyway. His pleasure and enjoyment is a big part of the ride (ba dum tish) and a big part of how I get off - if he's not feeling it, I'm not feeling it. Your gf is likely the same. All you need to say is "yeah, that's not really something I'm used to. Can we tone it down a little until I get comfortable with the idea?" And then see how you feel over time. It might excite you one day or it might not. Stay open minded but stay honest.

And to repeat what's already been stressed - someone wanting to be called a slut and a whore in bed, DOES NOT ACTUALLY MEAN THAT THEY ARE ONE! In fact it's probably the taboo of the whole thing that turns them on. Street angel, house devil kinda thing. It is merely role play.

Calibos

Of course one would have no choice but to spell out ones discomfort with the idea of outdoors sex if it was suggested in advance sober (eg. lets drive up to X this evening for some outdoors fun), but when suggested with drunken horniness on the way home from the pub then one could probably avoid it by actually using her submissive kink, horniness and anticipation against her so to speak. Like telling her that you'll take her when and where you chose and she can wait and stew in her juices till you get her home where you'll bend her over the kitchen table and do x, y and z to her..............

ie. You are turning the potential for a mood breaking heart to heart about your sexual limits into a scenario where you drive her even wilder with anticipation.

Littlekittylou

Hi OP
I like you have very little experience of some of what you mention. The outdoor sex thing though ...go prepared... it's ****ing freezing.....
I don't know who you are interested in hearing from.I am deffo not the female 'sub' type. I think that's who you want to hear from is it? I am not too experienced in adventurous sex either.

The name calling thing is called 'humbling' i think. I am not sure i I took you up correctly. So apologies if i have not.Don't worry secrecy and discretion is possibly just as important to her.I would stress CONSENT, Is everything for you both. Not just that but that you are both doing this to make yourselves happy.Subs either female or male sometimes like to feel ...how do I put it ..unlocked...to have something directed at them to feel unlocked and relieved.Or to stir things up. For someone else it might be something else for her it's the dirty talk.Some words she might be favorable to some she might not to. for some it might be 'you are despicable or disgusting' that are ok for others 'you are slutty etc' This is an important point though. A sub is an equal person first and a sub in this way after that. Submission is a vital facet of who the male/female is, so you never act in ways that are disingenuous, exploitative, or demeaning of their submissive sexuality.In order to act upon details you need to talk first. You need to hear the subs fears and desires. For instance some of the words i mentioned. They may react favorably to some and not so to others.A good dom knows that really subs need to feel safe in their submission whilst still keeping the direction and energy there. It's to make them happy not unhappy. That's why consent is so important and that BOTH of you are ok with everything. She might want to call you an honorific or something.How much this submission pervades an individuals life is up to them really. But it can seem natural to them. They need feistiness. They need fire.

You must understand how to live out a fantasy without living in a fantasy. In reality, you do not consider yourself entitled to submission or acts there of as emotional one upmanship. Often a legitimate difficulty for subs is trying to understand what may be best left in the realm of fantasy for them when it comes to doing it in life they back off. I would urge you to communicate. These types of relationships can go wrong. I am not saying this one will it seems healthy so far.

But even subs can get abusive. Subs sort of require a type of attention and if they don't get it then they can want negative attention even, which seems odd to me and you i know. They can try to provoke certain reactions because they find it difficult to directly ask. They like a cranky anger type response. Also you need to make sure you don't abuse your role. You need to understand her etc. I don't want to say too much. But it sounds like she wants to please. Or wants to consent to.

She is not more advanced. She is different.I think you need to discuss what her expectations and needs are.

So long as it's all done safely and possibly within a solid and functioning relationship then it's fine- it's just a like she has, like preferring wine to beer etc. it's just preference.

This.

While I do enjoy the sex, I don't really know what to say sometimes and feel like I'm repeating myself.

I guess you could think of it as theater. I imagine you will get better at it.If you feel comfortable with it then that's cool. I could imagine myself feeling like a noob too.It's a sort hyper sexual theater. You allow a sub a release maybe? An expression of something? Be honest with each other and enjoy a full relationship. And if you are doing anything you can always look online or read to make sure it's done safely etc.

I would judge her on her character. Different types of people are into S&M . Is she empathetic? Is she kind? Does she want you to be happy ? Her degree of emotional integrity with you is really the rule on whether you can trust her or not. I can't tell you about that I don't know her. What is her integrity and respect for you like in the relationship?

If she is happy in the role of a sub that's cool. If you are happy doing it that's cool too.

She is very loving and cuddly at all other times

That's important.

I would never ever do anything I was not comfortable with personally i could never do the sub thing it's not my deal maybe the dom thing i dunno . So talk about it with her.The truth is that they secretly desire their partner to be the dominate and to feel safe in their submission to them. I would think they want to know it won't be abused in any way on any level. There is this whole thing of 'humbling.'
Just be honest and communicate. Consent is everything. This seems normal to her or natural i guess.




These types of relationships are different for everyone though how it goes depends on the couple.Make your desires clear too and your aversions. I don't know if you are a dom or if you label yourself this way. You are an independent, whole person and you celebrate your dominance as a piece of that whole. You are not dependent on anyone's submission to validate your dominance. That's why you ALWAYS ask consent. Being confident in your sexuality does not mean denying public boundaries though....do it in the bushes not on the green!


Just to say male and female subs maybe don't fit stereotypes. They can be domineering in other areas of life or not.

Yes it’s difficult for most everyone to find a compatible partner but in the case of a submissive with very strong and sometimes extreme fantasies, there is often recognition that it may be even more difficult to find someone compatible.

Many subs male or female have fantasies which have been developed over many years, sometimes leading to a focus on extreme and/or specific situations despite not having experienced anything. This may lead to misunderstandings with potential partners between fantasies and actual desires as the sub may not even be able to recognize the difference at first. This may also lead to last minute fears of experiencing extreme situations or fears of disappointment and rejection. To help alleviate the stress of fear, take things slowly with a potential partner and become comfortable communicating before you get to a potential point of fear.Reality will likely be different from fantasy in many ways, it may be more or less enjoyable but expect that reality will typically be more intense of an experience i would imagine.

An issue for male submissives (and I can’t speak on this regarding female submissives) is that it is not common to find a dominant woman who just wants to play casually without any sort of relationship. Often a dominant woman will want to get to know a potential submissive before engaging in any BDSM-related activity. I mention this because it is common for submissive guys to get frustrated in not finding a partner right away for casual play.

Your desires are equal to hers.

I have not a lot of experience with this. But it's a part of a bigger relationship.

I love this girl, but this is all quite new to me and I would like to read the opinions of people who like or don't like this and why? I trust her but we're only going out a few months so my impressions of girls that are labelled, what she likes to label herself, is that they can't be trusted.

I honestly don't know if you can trust her.But it sound like this is a part of a whole person. I don't know why she likes it. Ask her:-) Do you like being the dom though? Sorry if that is even what she thinks of it as.

Remember you are equals in this relationship.

A good sub/Dom relationship is built on trust and honesty.

And so much more.

If someone wants to do kinky things you have no interest in move on. If there are red flags to how respectful or mature they are move on. I think there are newbies and novice discussion groups and workshops. I do know people men and women who are into it. Some of them my friends and people I respect.

Oh if you are going to do any serious ...physical stuff. ...learn how to do it..don't get in over your head before you learn! I would also think about your and her expectations. It takes time to know the reality of what you are looking for and to find a compatible partner. Both also need to be healthy. Having some kind of sadistic or masochistic personality disorder is NOT what it is about. Subs may lack an aversion to pain or have aversion to pain. But you guys are equals. The mark of a true dom is someone who asks for consent. It's subs who often can't ask for consent and need the permission or to top from the bottom. It's not about getting something over on someone emotionally. That is about losing control over yourself your life and your thoughts not gaining it. Remember this. Also I stress people that do this are psychologically healthy...or should be.


She has her preferred role. As I say I am not the most 'advanced' myself sexually. You mentioned that you sort worry about how to please her. First, you have to change the way you are thinking. Instead of trying to please her, think in reverse - think of how you would like to be pleased but in doing this working in unlocking her sexually while working in both of your desires. You might have something that brings it out in her that she sensed or spotted. I dunno. If you put out a dominant energy, maybe subs will pick up on it.

The desire to please through submission is not something i would be into. Why? It's just not. I have no desire to be humbled. I would not make a good sub My thoughts ideas and emotions are not easily influenced through external info and I have no desire for them to be. Not saying all subs are like that. Or that’s the way the relationship goes. . Might make a good dom though never really tried.
She spotted you as a quality dom. She felt you showed respect etc and A Dominant who lies is not a safe Dominant. Cheating is not consensual and again this is not a good idea for either of you. She saw you as a Dom and not a vanillla horndog looking to get some nookie. She respects you and sees you respect her. Some people think that being a bully means they’re being dominant. Bullies tell you how things are done and get upset when you disagree. You don't seem that way. Anyway I guess make no assumptions. Some people are doms some are sub some are switches and some are none of those. What turns YOU on?

Talk to her. If you are comfortable it’s a journey. I know people really value privacy on this though. Don’t worry it’s in the safe! Remember the SSC of BDSM Safe, Sane and Consential. So, there is a safety, trust aspeect of it. Which has a lot to do with the whole BDSM culture. Intimacy and trust. Don't be a fool and intrude into someone else's lives by performing dominance or submissiveness. You need to build rapport, trust. Being aware of these things is very useful.

Again I know very little about this. Maybe you could look online or better yet just talk to her. Some don’t want anything abusive but just to be sweetly taken charge of. Ask her What would make it the perfect scene for you? What turns you on? What turns you off? What would keep you coming back for more? I think you have to be comfortable with your role. Understand what you want and what your partner wants.


What she is in this role may not be who she is as such. Talk to her.

Littlekittylou

I can understand why yours hasn't developed quite as much if sex was a bit of an unmentionable in your last relationship.

Lots of people role play etc. See if you are comfortable mixing it up etc. Talk but go slowly and never do anything you don't want. gentleness, warmth, care light and love is also part of sex that deep meaningful part of sex is very important.

coca corolla

coca corolla wrote: »

While I do enjoy the sex, I don't really know what to say sometimes and feel like I'm repeating myself. Also, I wonder if this is a girl I can trust? I probably sound insecure or old fashioned but the names she calls herself are ones we, growing up, would call girls that sleep around at the drop of a hat.

I know this probably isn't right, but this made me laugh. I'm assuming you mean she wants to be called a slut or some form of this? Just because she wants to be called this at certain moments doesn't mean that she is going to go off sleeping with other people. Absolutely not. It's all a little bit of fun horseplay.

It does sound like you're very inexperienced. Talk to her about what you are comfortable and not comfortable with. She sounds like a pretty great person in every other regard, so she should be able to understand and appreciate how you feel.