Not sure what to do at this stage ... 3 months on

greengirl31

My mum passed away in November after a long illness …. Her death wasn’t a surprise but it was sudden in that she went downhill quite rapidly. But her quality of life was very poor for the previous year so even though we were heartbroken, it was a relief that she wasn’t in any more pain.

I took about 3 weeks off around my Mum’s death … about a week and a half of which was following her death. We had the funeral and various family members returned to where they came from. This was coming into December. As well as working, I also study part time and I needed to get some assignments in before Christmas. So my focus in December was to get those done and just get to Christmas … I had almost 2 weeks off then and I’d use that time to just chill out and reflect I suppose.

I felt so much better in January. I was well rested after the break that I felt I really needed after all that had happened in the previous few months. I faced into the new year knowing it was going to be tough because it was a year of firsts without Mum but I felt I was strong and I could manage. I got back to college and work and all was going ok. I felt I was coping reasonably well with the death of my mother too … perhaps too well. Anyway, this week things seem to be different.

A couple of weeks ago, we took Mum’s ashes to be buried with her parents. I hadn’t really thought about it too much and didn’t think it’d be like another funeral but it sort of was. Since then, I haven’t been able to focus on anything … I haven’t opened a book in over a week, I’ve barely said two words in work and the slightest thing is irritating me – all of which is very unlike me. I just want to just stay in bed.

Maybe I just need to vent by writing this but I’m just not sure what to do at this stage …I'm almost in tears at my desk ....

Foggy Jew

Sorry, Greengirl. I have no answers. You seemed to cope very well with the immediate aftermath of your Mam's passing, - as you say, maybe too well. Perhaps now that the dust has settled, you are only beginning to experience grief. You are very recently bereaved. Be kind to yourself.

Lisha

Greengirl31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm Sure you know that grief is a long term thing with many different stages. Each stage must be experienced and worked through. Which sounds easy and logical on paper I know but it really is a biitch to live through.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the space and time to work through this. Every emotion and feeling you have is valid and needs to be experienced. Maybe if you set short term goals like work/study/holiday deadlines and just focus on that until life just finds its own momentum again. Make sleep, good diet and exercise a priority and hopefully you'll start to feel a bit better.

I knew 2 different people who cared for very ill relatives untithey passed away.
One thing that surprised them was how much time they had and how empty their lives seemed without their ill relative to consider. They thought their lives would be easier, especially when the Ill person's suffering was over. But all they felt for a long time was empty and without person. What I'm trying to say is that the life you are living now is so different and you just need to give yourself time to adjust.

Best of luck Geeengirl31 and take care of yourself.

greengirl31

Thank you both for your replies ... I think i'm just going to see how I am this week and perhaps take a couple of days next week ... I'm feeling like i have loads to do but no interest in doing any of it - hopefully i'll snap out of it fairly soon though !!
I had agreed to go through some of Mum's stuff at the weekend but i might put that off for a bit

Alf Veedersane

Hi Greengirl,

I'm really sorry for your loss. I can appreciate where you were because it's a lot like where my Mam was. She wasn't very poorly in her last year but maybe that's just because she had been weak and tired through the chemo and it took its toll and she spent all her time indoors.

The time before the funeral and after it are the easiest to deal with. There's a lot to do and you're kind of catching up with things when you go back to 'reality'.

You're only getting to grieve now. It takes some time.

So just don't be hard on yourself. Deal with it as best you can and ride it out. Remember the good times.

My Mam always said that she'd hope that she'd done enough to be remembered with a smile than be remembered with tears.

That said, the latter aren't too far off now writing this.

It's not that it ever gets 'easy. You just learn to deal with it better.

So just take time and like a previous poster said, just pick small goals to eat into any workload and don't think of all the things you haven't done but focus on what you're picking off from that list.

Frigga_92

Greengirl, very sorry for your loss.

I've always found that grief happens in waves. Like you say, you were feeling okay and now you're not. That is normal.

Do you have a good GP that you feel you can speak to?
Some colleges offer counselling services to students, would you be comfortable talking to a counsellor at college?

I would recommend speaking to your course leader/coordinator if you feel your course work may be suffering or may start to suffer. My husband's father passed away when my husband was in his second year of college. My husband had been his father's live-in carer for 10 years so they had a very close relationship and his death took a toll on my husband.
His course coordinator couldn't have been more helpful and made time to meet with my husband regularly just to have a chat and make sure he was coping with study and his workload and if he needed any help with anything. She really became his primary contact in the college for the remaining 2 years of his course and was so helpful to him.

As another poster said, the aftermath can be a busy time, the funeral and then feeling like you need to get back to your normal day-to-day living and then obviously Christmas would've been a big distraction for you also as you say yourself, come the new year you felt the motivation that we all feel but on a far greater scale.

Be kind to yourself, take time if you need it, ask for help if you need it.