Still can't get over breakup

LegacyUser

I'll cut to the chase. I still can't stop thinking about my ex, several months later after a breakup (June). Since then I have tried to move on with some success, but recently I have her clouding my thoughts. We were together nearly 4 years. Guess I still miss her

I don't talk to her and she's in a different country so I don't see her. I don't get updates on fb.

Chatting to her closest friend recently, she tells me how unhappy my ex is where she is, homesick etc. A fella she was seeing there treated her like crap. My ex was very eager to skype her friend that evening so she could see the 2 of us, I said I didn't want to. As I was already having these thoughts that evening probably made things worse.

I have gone out every weekend, been on many dates with different women since and slept around but that didn't really help.

My situation: I feel miserable in my job. I feel trapped at home. I want to move out and start a new life but feel like I'm being held back.

All I really want for now is just to get my ex out of my head.

Thank you for reading

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I can identify with you about your head being full of thoughts of your ex. My head is crammed with persistent thoughts in the fallout after a messy break up I had last autumn. Like you, I'm not in touch or getting FB updates or seeing them about but I just wish the thoughts would stop and let me get on with things in my life.

In my case, the break up wasn't my choice. You don't say what happened in your case but it can really hurt and take longer to get over when it is not your choice.

If I could flick a switch to reset my head, or even at this point to erase the whole relationship and the pain and hurt that followed, I would.

I hate it that what's happened has caused me to feel miserable in my old life and the lifestyle that I was happy with before all this happened. I've been taking all the usual advice, doing everything I can think of to work through this turmoil. I'm not there yet and it's obviously going to take a while longer.

It's a slog but we have to keep going, don't we?

Oryx

If you were busy, if your job was good, life was exciting and you had met someone new you clicked with, you probably wouldn't miss your ex half as much. It might just be that in your current situation its easy to look back and dwell on something that was good.

You did the right thing not talking to her. It would only heighten your feelings.

road_high

buipp wrote: »

My situation: I feel miserable in my job. I feel trapped at home. I want to move out and start a new life but feel like I'm being held back.

This. Why do you feel this way? The world's your oyster mate and if not happy and feel stuck in a rut you and only you can change that. I know it's scary but you can do it.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies.

My breakup I'm sure was influenced by others (among other issues I thought I resolved). She moved away and pretty much her flatmates all left their OH's, she joined suit.

I don't know how I feel about the actual breakup, I was pretty much the only person talking to her on a daily basis from home, sending her stuff. I don't want to get back with her but yet still think of her. Her eagerness to see and chat to me that night led both myself and her friend that she may come back to me, which ever since has probably made things a lot worse for me

I have a new partner, only recent, I feel comfortable with her and not clouded. It's not fair for us that I'm like this though

road_high wrote: »

This. Why do you feel this way? The world's your oyster mate and if not happy and feel stuck in a rut you and only you can change that. I know it's scary but you can do it.

There is currently too much holding me here at the moment that I won't go into. I have had setbacks this year so far, just a very bad run of luck

beks101

Fair play on the No Contact. Breakups are a long and winding bloody road, and they can hit you hardest right when you think you've been making decent progress. One step forward, two steps back.

It's been 8-9 months since the split, which is just a fraction of the time you spent together. What you're going through is totally normal and part of a process.

I don't agree that if things were rosy and you had met someone new you connected with, you'd have well moved on by now. I think it's like a bereavement and the feelings come and go in waves, lessening with intensity over time. I'm sure you'll agree that kick-to-the-gut feeling has long since passed and now it's a different feeling - probably a sadness, wistfulness. It's just the next step.

And I'd say the way you're feeling about your life is probably a by-product of those feelings. It's bloody hard to get back on the horse and see the joy in every day when you're still pining for someone who you had pinned your hopes and your future on less than a year ago. Breakups make you reevaluate everything:

buipp wrote: »

My situation: I feel miserable in my job. I feel trapped at home. I want to move out and start a new life but feel like I'm being held back.

Right, so what can you do to change these things? Your ex is your ex and you're doing what you need to do in trying to move on there. The feelings suck and you will just need to sit them out.

But the part I've quoted. These are things you CAN change. You are not powerless, you have some control here. Can you look into job opportunities? Polish up your CV and cast out the net? Upskill? Look into moving out into an apartment of your own or a flat share? Empower yourself here. There's a certain amount of initiative and action that you need to take if you want to pull yourself out of a rut, no matter how negative your mindset is. You CAN change these things. It will involve a bit of strategic thinking and a lot of hard work and perhaps discomfort; but it's completely possible and doable.

And finally, the dating thing. Maybe take the focus off that for the moment. Your head is not in the right place and you're not emotionally available. I've dated lads who were where you currently are, and with all due respect, they were absolute head melters! It's not fun to be that girl who gets invested when her fella is a million miles away.

You're not really ready to meet someone new just yet, are you? Put your focus elsewhere. Try to change the things you said were making you miserable and build a bit of happiness for yourself. Once that starts to happen, everything else will follow.

lisasimpson

yes it crap sometimes its not always about the length of time you were with the person. well that's what im finding at the moment short length of time and my head is all over the shop. tried going on a couple of dates myself but didn't work either. found myself thinking of the one im missing. so taking a break from that scene for a while. trying to keep busy, to be distracted. really wish there was a pill to get rid of the thoughts of someone

Colser

lisasimpson wrote: »

yes it crap sometimes its not always about the length of time you were with the person. well that's what im finding at the moment short length of time and my head is all over the shop. tried going on a couple of dates myself but didn't work either. found myself thinking of the one im missing. so taking a break from that scene for a while. trying to keep busy, to be distracted. really wish there was a pill to get rid of the thoughts of someone

If there was such a pill it would be a best seller without a doubt..

OP heartbreak is very under estimated IMO...I never really had any empathy for anyone that broke up as I felt it was something that was easy to move on from but when it happens to yourself you realise what a total body blow it actually is..There really is no quick solution to the pain(in my experience)..It will get easier but you just have to be kind to yourself and force yourself to get back out there and enjoy stuff in the mean time.:)

Littlekittylou

It's more that you don't have much going on in your life that makes you happy. Focus on that.

Bring in NEW happy things. And time will make it easier. Find a purpose find a passion.